Chapter 40 - Anastasia

I literally snap out of sleep and jump off the bed. I don't even check where I am, I instinctively run to the bathroom. I double over the toilet and throw up. I stay there for a moment in case another wave of nausea comes.

And as my mind wakes up, I realize that I'm at Harvey's place. I don't even remember coming here, let alone falling asleep.

"Ana, I love you but I thought we agreed on no babies for now" Harvey says as he approaches and hands me some tissues

I roll my eyes and I rip the paper from his hand and wipe my mouth. "This is just from..."

"From your breakdown earlier?" he assu

"Yeah..." I admit as I proceed to wash my face. "Thank you"

"Anytime" he replies, rubbing my back.

I smile back and take a deep breath. "What time is it?" I ask

"2:40" he answers

"Shit... I have to be in the hospital in 4 hours" I sigh

"No, there is no way you are going back so early"

"There is actually. My last shift ended last night. I was supposed to have last night and today off, so I'd take nightshift tonight" I explain

"You had a terrible shift yesterday, you spent all night in the hospital with Haley, and now you only slept for 4 hours" he reminds me

"It's ok, I've had worse" I reply.

"Ana, this isn't an excuse. You really can't keep going like this. You're exhausting yourself and I'm worried"

"Please, don't. If I get too tired, I'll fake fainting or something" I force a reassuring smile on my face as I begin to gather the limited things I had brought with me. "I'll call you when I land in Boston" I kiss him quickly

"You're going to be the death of me, woman" he sighs

"Love you too!" I say and leave before he changes his mind and tries to stop me

"Make sure you eat something!" he shouts as I shut the door.

There is no way I can eat while my stomach feels like it's turning faster than a washing machine. I'll grab a bite later when I feel better. Until then, I have one more thing I want to do...

The cab brings me to a building in Manhattan. I walk inside and find apartment 5C, like the address refered to.

I take a deep breath and I knock. It opens, and I finally see Monica Eaton in front of me.

"Can I help you?" she asks

"Ms. Eaton..." I tighten my fist, "You probably don't know who I am--"

"No, I know who you are" she reassures me with a neutral expression

"Good, then I should cut right to the chase. I only have one question, if you could spare me a moment" I speak softly, despite my anger towards her

"Ok. But keep in mind that you might not like the answer".

I nod. "He is over 20 years older than you. You knew he was married. You knew he had a family. So, why did you do it?" I ask

"Honestly... I didn't care. I was young, pretty and I liked his attention. That's all it was to it" she explains.

She didn't care... She didn't care she was with another woman's husband. She didn't care that the woman was sick. She didn't care about the family she was breaking. She just liked his attention.

I don't say another word, in fear I might explode or exposure the fact that Harvey talked to me about her suing the firm. I simply turn around and walk away.

•••

Sometimes I admire my own ability to leave my personal problems outside of the work when I step in the hospital. Unfortunately, today is not one of those days.

First thing I did was to check up on Haley. As soon as I got there, Marcus and Katie pulled me aside and gifted me a really nice bracelet to thank me for taking such good care of their daughter and them in the process. They thanked me again and again; I almost broke down right then and there. Because, today, I don't feel someone that should be thanked and glorified in the slightest. After all, I lost Daphne and I can't just forget that.

However, I managed to keep it together and go back. I splashed some water on my face, hoping to feel better. But the fatigue never went away. I didn't feel like myself, and I found it extremely difficult to fake my smiles around the rest of the kids I saw. Even the smallest task seemed so fucking hard and exhausting. I even had to reschedule a surgery because I was unsure I could stand in there for too long.

In total, I went through the 10-hour nightshift by avoiding serious situations and fighting to keep myself from drowning.

Harvey is right; I'm not ok. I'm exhausting. But I don't feel like I deserve to take some time off. I can't afford to step back and relax. There are so many things--

"Dr. Anastasia Morgan?" a delivery guy stops me outside my apartments door

"Yes?" I reply

"You've been served" he hands me a folder and walks away.

Great. Now the Anderson's are probably suing me for killing their daughter. This is the exactly thing I needed today...

Feeling the tears come in already, I get in my apartment and rip the envelope open.

Thanks to my limited training in the firm on my early days, I quickly realize that I'm holding a subpoena and not a lawsuit. But the relief doesn't last long, because then I notice the signature at the bottom of the paper.

In a matter of a second, all my exhaustion turns into anger. I grab my phone and call my fath-- Daniel.

"Anastasia! I assume you received the document I sent you" he answers immediately, sounding all smug

"Like it's not enough that you are representing your mistress, now you are calling me to testify in your favor? In what world would I do that?" I chuckle

"Don't worry about that, you won't be testifying in my favor. You'll just be testifying against Mr. Specter" he reveals

"What are you talking about?"

"Ms. Eaton told me you visited her and asked her a few questions"

"Questions that have nothing to do with Harvey or the firm" I reassure him

"Well, Ms. Eaton is concerned that Mr. Specter revealed confidential information to you regarding her lawsuit, and that that it was the reason of your visit. So, she had to report him to the bar. They are starting an investigation on him, and the hearing date is on the subpoena, I believe".

I scoff. "You wanna know the real reason I visited her? It was you. You fucking piece of shit! I wanted to see if she had any remorse for almost breaking up a family, taking advantage of a sick woman's husband. But she told me that she didn't, she just liked the attention and money you gave her. That was all you were to her" I reveal.

"Your insults are not going to get to me, Anastasia. Because, at the end of the day, you can't say any of that on the stand"

"Is that really all you care about?" I sigh

"At the moment, yes. And since you are not a lawyer, I shall remind you that you will be under oath when I ask you if Harvey Specter talked to you about my clients case, and you will not be able to plead the 5th because you won't be incriminating yourself. I will see you in court, darling" he ends the call there.

Since you are not a lawyer... Darling...

I throw my phone into the wall with a loud groan. The device shatters into pieces that spread on the living room floor.

What if he wins? What if Harvey loses his license over this? Over an irrational decision I made? He will hate me and I'll lose him too.

"What else do you want from me?!" I ask out loud to whoever could be hearing. The universe? God? I don't care at this point.

As my anger and frustrations grow, I feel my chest getting heavier. It's almost like my brain has forgotten how to breathe automatically and I have to do the work. But my lungs never get full.

I begin to get lightheaded, so I sit down and put my head between my knees. At the same tears escape from my eyes landing on the floor, and I close my eyes to stop paying attention to them. Instead, I begin to count my breaths.

"It's ok. Follow my lead..." I hear Harvey's voice in my head, "Breathe in deeply, through your nose. And out through your mouth...".

I try again and again, but I can't get my breathing under control. The frustration drives me even more angry, and the anger drives me even more frustrated. It's a neverending circle.

I wish Harvey was here. I wish he was always here but he is miles away. And I just shattered my phone...

"Please..." a painful sob comes up my throat. I cover my mouth to stop any other from coming out. Unfortunately, that only makes everything worse.