Chapter 20 - Anastasia

I walk out of the emergency room for the last time today. My whole body hurts; more than usual, and not in the good way. I want to collapse right here right now. But I can't, not yet. I have to go home and take a shower with boiling hot water in order to wash this night away from my body.

Actually, it's not night anymore. The sun came up hours ago. I lost track of how many RedBulls I finished, but at some point during the night the surgeon's lounge was packed with them and also several cases of snacks. I think I know who is responsible for that.

I take my sweaty scrub cap off and carry it in my hand as I walk down the hospital's hallways. I check on my patients one last time and greet Daphne before heading out.

"Morgan!" someone calls and I debate if I should stop or just keep going home.

I want to cry.

"Not today... I can't keep my eyes open for much longer" I admit

"It's not for work" Sloan says as he walks with me, "I just want to gossip" he admits

"Gossip is not a good thing" 

"Oh, so we only like gossip when it's about me?"

"Exactly" I chuckle. But I stop, "Why? Did you hear something about me?"

"You're interested now?"

"Speak" I demand.

"There no gossip. I just wanted to mention how refreshed and confident you looked today. And tell you that I saw your supposed rebound lurking outside" he reveals

"Harvey is still here?" I ask, feeling a warm feeling in my chest

"Yes. Do I need to call security?" he suggests

"No, no. It's ok" I can't even hide my smile.

"That means my advice worked?" he smiles

"I guess..."

"Ha! Told you"

"Shut up. I still have to figure some things out"

"The whole point of a rebound was to not overthink it" he reminds me

"I know. But there is history with Harvey... Sort of..." I mention

"Rebounds aren't supposed to be complicated" he sighs

"Well, this one is. But I don't want to deal with that right now. I just want to go home and sleep for another twelve hours"

"Alright" he stops, "Knock yourself out. You did good today"

"Thank you" I smile a little. "By the way..." I stop him, "...he loved the girls" I point at my tits

"Of course he did, I built them"

"He loved them so much, he made me actually feel things. Not something crazy, but it certainly wasn't nothing!" I tell him.

It's been 4 years since my nipple-sparing mastectomy and breast reconstruction surgeries. But I've been telling him time and time again that I have no feeling in my breasts. And he always told me that nothing was wrong, it'll come with time, and that I should try some massages to get the nerves going.

"Oh no, was Dickson that bad?" he assumes

"Bad? No. A little selfish, maybe"

"You poor child, you needed that rebound more than I thought"

"Shut up. And don't tell anyone"

"I make no promises" he says and goes his way before I can protest.

And I walk away. I don't run. I don't scream. I just stumble into the hallways, sucking in deep breaths of cool air like I've been drowning all night.

The truth is that I have been drowning lately. And maybe, just maybe, I know one person that didn't make me feel like drowning; one person that made me feel alive.

I spot Harvey immediately, sitting on a bench right outside the hospital. "You suck at being invisible" I chuckle as I sit besides him.

He look surprised, "I thought you didn't want to be seen together and start rumors" he reminds me

"Right now, that's the last thing I care about" I admit and close me eyes for a second.

"That bad, huh?" he assumes, as she offers me his coffee.

"Worse" I reply, and take a sip. "Fifty-seven kids were brought in during the last twelve hours. I treated thirteen of those. Two had non-critical injuries on their hands or legs. Three died in the emergency room or came in with no pulse and we couldn't revive them. I scrubbed into eight surgeries from most critical to most stable. Five of those went really good. Two will have permanent nerve damge. And one died on my table" I reveal.

Harvey wraps his arm around me. I relax and rest my head on his shoulder.

"I stayed with her for a bit longer. I made sure to remove the bullets from her body and stitch her wounds up before I notified her parents. After that, I went down to the morgue and did the same for the three others that didn't make it on my watch. I removed twenty-two bullets in total" I continue, keeping my eyes closed in order not to cry. I've already been crying a lot.

"You're a goddamn superhero, Ana" he says as he holds me.

"Superheroes don't get exhausted"

"Um... Yeah, they do. The people had to carry Spiderman after he saved the train"

"Spiderman? God, I'm dating a 5-year-old..." I sigh

"Dating?" I feel his cheeky smile against my head. "Is that because of my RedBull and snacks donation to every doctor and nurse's lounge?" he wonders

"It's part of it" I chuckle.

"And I sent in a delivery guy, so I wouldn't draw looks by your ex or anyone else" he adds

"You are awesome"

"I know"

"And humble"

"Never claimed to be"

"Right" I chuckle. "But Matt didn't come in tonight anyway. I guess he was busier..." I assume

"And you were stressed they'd say you moved on too fast" he points out

"Honestly, I don't care. I'm more sorry that I changed our plans" I admit

"I told you it's ok. Those kids and their families needed you more. I have to get used to sharing you"

"Not gonna lie, you being polygamous had crossed my mind" I tease

"I didn't mean that kind of sharing!" he protests immediately

"I know, but I love teasing you" I admit. "Did you really stay here all night?" I wonder

"I tried to go back to the hotel like you told me around 3am. But I couldn't just sit and do nothing, let alone fall asleep while I knew that you were in a battlefield here" he admits

"It was a battlefield" I agree. "Fifty-seven teenagers and only five pediatric surgeons in the hospital..." I sigh.

"Can I ask how did you decide to specialize in pediatrics? I mean it sounds emotionally draining"

"It is..." I confess. "But it's also so rewarding" I smile. "It's not just medicine in miniature. They are children, they believe in magic, they like to play pretend, they are curious, they hope, they cross their fingers and make wishes. Despite popular belief, most of the times they are more resilient than adults; they recover faster and survive worse. We believe in miracles and magic. We have tea parties and we love Halloween. We put potions and fairy dust in their IV's to give them superpowers to beat the bad cells that are making them sick" I explain in a playful tone.

Harvey looks at me with a soft smile across his lips. "A goddamn superhero..." he repeats and kisses my head.

I smile too, "Thank you for staying, Harvey" I say

"Anytime, sugar" he replies.