Chapter 12 - Anastasia

I took shift after shift until I was about to drop. I slept for less than 4 hours every day in awful on call rooms. And last night, I almost fainted during surgery which was very irresponsible and reckless of me. I held on but it could have ended very badly. That was my sign to go back home.

Thankfully, Matt wasn't there. I had the whole place to myself. So, I took a long shower and passed out in bed. Now it's 15 hours later, but I'm still exhausted. My whole body aches. I am also starving.

"Matt!" I call.

No answer.

I sigh and drag my limbs out of bed. I make my way to the fridge and look for something appetizing enough. I want something sour, but I have no energy to cook anything. I notice that Matt's meal prep is two portions more than it should have been today. He preps food for both of us every week, but it looks like he didn't use his so far this week. I thought he was at work when I came home last night, but it seems like he hasn't even been around in two days. And I didn't even notice.

I brush it off quickly. I grab one container of honey mustard chicken meal and throw it in the microwave. As I wait, I sit on the kitchen island and close my eyes again. I can't keep them open for more than a few minutes.

All I feel since the funeral is incredibly low. And now that I let myself relax, I can't get back up. I feel so low that I don't feel anything at all. My fiance has been MIA for two days and I didn't even notice. Yet, I feel nothing. And it's scary because I've been here before and I know what's coming. It would be nice to talk to someone, anyone. But the only person that would sit through that is my therapist, and that's because she's getting paid. It would be nice to have someone next to me that would actually ask me how I'm doing.

The ding of the microwave pulls me out of my thoughts. But I'm not hungry anymore. I wipe the tear that's running down my cheek and I hop off the kitchen island. I make my way to the liquor cabinet and grab a bottle of vodka. I take it back in the bedroom with me and collapse in bed again.

•••

"Anastasia, are you ok in there?" my aunt asks as she knocks on the bathroom door

"Yeah, I'm ok. I just need a moment" I answer

"Let me know if you need anything. I'll be right out here" she tells me.

I unlock the door and let her in. "I miss home" I admit

"I know, honey. I know" she wraps her arms around me

"Don't get me wrong, I love it here. The sun, the school, everything. I just wish they were here too..." I cry

"They'll come around. They just need some time" she reassures me. "By the time you become a doctor, everything will be back to what they used to. You just have to hold on for a while".

•••

Well, I held on. I held on for 14 years, but none of them showed up. Now, my mother is dead, my father still resents me -unless he can use me- and the one person that I always hoped would show up in my door one day has turned into another version of my father.

I hear the keys turning in the door, so I hide the bottle of vodka underneath the bed and run in the bathroom. I use a lot of mouth wash very quickly.

"Stas?" Matt calls

"Hi" I put a smile on as I walk out of the bathroom

"Wow, you're actually home" he chuckles

"Yeah, I exhausted myself enough. Thanks for leaving extra food for me" I mention as I move to the microwave that still contains my warmed up meal from a few hours ago.

"Sure. I thought you'd need it for the time I was not around" he replies

"Where have you been?" I wonder

"I went back to New York" he answers.

I don't react and continue to pretend to tidy up the kitchen.

"I went to see my mom" he explains

"That's great. How is she?"

"She is good. Interesting thing, she mentioned she saw you last week and also introduced me to your dad. He seems nice" he says.

I stop, and fight the urge to yell at him.

"Just don't trust him too much. He's not who he wants you to believe he is" I say, calmly

"Yeah, you've told me the story".

But you still spoke and sat with him.

"Stas, can you stop messing around with the kitchen so we can talk like adults?" he demands.

I drop everything and turn to face him. "What is there to talk about?" I ask

"I went to New York not just to see my mom, but also talk with her. Because that the closer we get to the wedding, the more I realize that you're just like her" he states

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Spending all her day at work, staying up late, ignoring her family..." he lists

"Your mother is a judge in New York. You think that was an easy thing to accomplish? She should be an inspiration, not something to avoid" I remind him

"Inspiration?" he chuckles, "For ignoring her family? For being the reason my family split up?"

"You know what I mean"

"No, I don't" he answers.

"Matt, you knew I was too career focused from the very beginning" I remind him

"I knew and I was fine with it because you were still rising. But I don't see you getting any better at managing your work-life balance any time soon, and the wedding date is already a few months away"

"Matt, you've been an attending for 10 years. I did a double fellowship after my residency, so it's only been 3 years that I've been a real surgeon and an attending. I still have a way to go and enjoy this position I fought so hard to get into. And did you really think I was going to change who I am just because I'm getting married?"

"Just because? We are starting a family!" he insists.

I sigh, "I really don't have the energy for this, Matt"

"Of course. Avoid confrontation, and then drown yourself in vodka and surgeries" he mocks. "You think some mouth wash is going to cover it?" he points out

"I've never had even a hint of alcohol in my system while I was in the hospital" I state, which is true.

"Sure. But if you want to spend half of your life at work, and the other half drunk, I'm not going to stick around for that" he warns me

"Some days, are just hard. And other days, I just can't clock out. I have to stay with the little ones who need company"

"And what about me?"

"Are you really comparing yourself to sick kids?"

"I'm just saying... You preach about me not putting you first, yet you do the exact same thing with me. It's either the kids or the vodka. It's never Matt"

"Then help me make you a priority!" I raise my voice. "Clearly, you see my problem. And you see that I can't handle it on my own. So why don't you help me? Do I have to spell it out for you? I have issues with asking for help... I have a lot of issues..." tears are rolling freely down my cheeks right now.

I take a moment to breathe. Matt states quiet. I wipe my tears away and try to keep myself together.

"But if you can't handle it, call it off already and go find someone easier to love. I don't want to burden you or make your life harder" I state.

"Woah, I didn't say anything about calling the wedding off. I still want to marry you" Matt says

"No. You want to marry the idea you have of me. You don't want this. You said it yourself, you don't want to marry another version of your mother. You want to marry the Anastasia that has her work-life balance figured out, the one that is ready to put everything behind and have babies. Well, I'm not there yet. And I'm not sure I'll ever be"

"You don't know that...".

That's the worst thing he could say right now. It means that he is hoping I'll change my mind. The Anastasia now is not enough for him. He is wishing I'll change.

"What happens if I never change my mind?" I question

"I..." his voice drops. He opens his mouth again but he doesn't find the words to say it.

I nod. "Got it".