Chapter 3 - Anastasia

I considered going inside the house a hundred times. I fantasized about putting my father in his place. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. And I was afraid that I was going to break down in tears as soon as I walked through that door. I nearly did when I saw Sarah. And then Harvey... But, instead, I grabbed some alcohol and checked in to the closest decent hotel I could find.

I kick my shoes off as soon as I step into my room. I head to the bathroom immediately and turn the water on. As I wait for the bathtub to fill, I grab my phone and call Matthew. I take a sip of vodka straight from the bottle before he picks up.

"Dickson" he answers, probably without seeing the caller ID

"Hey, it's me. I just got to a hotel and I think I want to stay for a couple days longer to cool off and come to terms with this as much as I can" I say

"Of course, do whatever you need. How was the funeral? I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier, I was in surgery" he claims

"It was... fine" I answer.

"Where is the lucky guy?" Harvey wonders

"He couldn't come. He had some appointments he couldn't reschedule" I lie

"Your mother died, and he can't move a meeting to be with you?"

"Not meetings, but patients. He is a neurosurgeon" I explain

"Still--"

"Let's not continue with this" I cut him off before I have to make more excuses for him.

I can't believe a man I haven't seen in 14 years comforted more in the 10 minutes we've talked than my own fiancé -my soon-to-be husband- has in the last 24 hours. Am I asking for too much?

"Actually, I think I'm going to stay for more than a couple of days. Have Liz reschedule all my appointments and give my surgeries to Dr. Robbins" I say

"Stas--" I hang up before he responds.

I undress myself and step in the bathtub. As soon as the hot water touches my skin, every muscle in my body relaxes. But the growing pain in my chest that I've been carrying since last night becomes unbearable. And I finally break down. I cry, I sob, I scream. But I don't bother anyone because I'm all alone. Like always, it's just me and a bottle of vodka, in a strange hotel's bathtub.

I'm sorry, mommy. I miss you.

•••

"I'm bored" I complain to Harvey, because he has been studying all day in the firm's library looking for... whatever... I don't really know

"I don't care" he replies.

I sigh.

I look at him as I move in my chair. He is attractive, I'll give him that. And he is always so well put together. If the lawyer gig doesn't pan out, he'd make a fortune as a stripper. I'd be happy to contribute to that cause. And, with his ego, I bet he's already thought of that.

I sigh again.

"Will you stop making noises? I'm busy" he says

"Yeah, I see that. Is this what my dad meant by fun?" I wonder.

"Why don't you go complain to him and leave me alone?" he suggests in order to push me away

"I can't. He'll start saying that we have a deal, blah, blah, blah..." I trail off

"Hm... What kind of deal?" I finally have his attention

"When I was graduating highschool, he wanted me to go to Harvard. I wanted medical school. We fought, and agreed I would apply for both and we'd see from there. Fast forward, I didn't get into Harvard 4 years ago so he had no choice but to let me go to NYU where I was accepted into their biology BA program. Now that I'm finishing that, we had another fight when he saw my application for Hopkins. So we came to another deal; Apply to Harvard again, along with my med school applications, while I also shadow someone in the firm until I get an answer from them" I explain

"Medical and law are two completely different subjects" he states

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious, I know. But I passed my LSATs and now he is obsessed with me following in his footsteps. I only took that fucking test so he'd leave me alone, but it did the opposite" .

"And what will happen if Harvard accepts you this time?" he asks

"I have no idea" I sigh.

He eyes me suspiciously. "I don't believe you" he says

"What?"

"Something tells me you know exactly what you'll do"

"Well, whatever I do is my business. Not yours. So go back to your research"

"No, no. This just got interesting".

I stand from my chair, "I'm going for a walk" I say

"Bring some coffee on your way back!" he orders

"I'll make sure yours has rat poison" I state as I walk away

"My favorite" I can literally hear the smirk in his voice.

But I don't really go out for coffee. I just grab my things from my car and head down to the gym. I'm tired of sitting on my ass all day, I need to get my blood running again. Running always gets me going. So I put my headphones on and hop on the treadmill.

Not even 10 minutes in, someone knocks the headphones off my head, scaring me. I grab them in the air and stop the treadmill. But I roll my eyes when I see who it is behind me.

"I didn't expect from you to abandon me like this" the canary sings

"You can't spend even one hour without me, Specter?" I wonder

"It's rude to leave my shadow alone, even in the gym" he replies.

I roll my eyes. I turn the volume of my headphones up and start the treadmill again. Surprisingly, he leaves me alone for the rest of my session. He starts with 15 minutes on the treadmill to warm up, and then moves to the other equipment that's right in my field of vision.

I watch him do 2 sets of 10 reps on the press, and 3 sets of 10 reps on the cable pec flys. He is flushed, his forehead glistens and there is already sweat gathering on the neckline of his black t-shirt. I take a breath and look away, but then his movement catches my eye again.

He grabs two dumbbells of 20kg each and carries them to the incline press. With the dumbbells on his thighs, he lies back on the bench setting his hips and upper back on the bench. He opens his legs further and roots his feet into the floor, actively pressing his knees out. In this position his sweatpants create a tent-like shape over his crotch.

Unapologetic, I stare at him push the weight up and pull it back down again and again. His chest goes up and down accordingly as he exercises. He is more flushed and there are visible drops of sweat running by the sides of his forehead now. I shouldn't be so attracted to him or his current state.

I cut my workout short and grab a towel. "I'll go get a shower and see you at the office" I say

"Want me to join you?" he smirks while breathing heavily

"Absolutely not!" I respond as I leave.

•••

I stayed in that tub for hours before I finished that bottle and drag myself to bed. But I woke up less than two hours later and started crying again. I started feeling a bit better only when the sun came out. The sun always makes me feel better -which is sad considering I live in Seattle. So I took a real shower and started getting ready to go out for a walk.

Desperate for some fresh air, I get dressed, grab my coat and almost run outside. But my phone starts ringing as soon as I step foot on the sidewalk. I sigh and take it out of my pocket. It's a number I don't recognize, New York area code.

"This is Dr. Morgan" I answer

"Hello, Anastasia" his voice brings me goosebumps, but not the good kind

"Da..." my voice goes out, "Daniel" I finally reply.

"I hope I'm not bothering you, darling. I saw you at the funeral yesterday..." he mentions

"Yeah, sorry about that" I reply ironically

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I mean, the fact that you didn't even tell me about my mother's passing made me assume that you didn't want me there" I remind him

"Of course I wanted you there, and I was wishing you'd come over to talk"

"You have a weird way of showing it"

"I wasn't sure you'd want to hear from me. That's why I called your aunt. But I spent all night thinking about you. It hurt me that you never came over" he admits

"Imagine how much it hurt me when you disowned me and forced me out of the town" I mention.

"I know I wasn't a good father to you, I recognize my wrongs" this is the first time in my life I've heard him admit that he is not perfect. "Your mother's last wish was that you and I could make up and be a family again. I truly want to apologize to you, be honest and find a way for us to move forward together"

I take a moment to think. "We can meet at Central Park. You have one hour to get there and convince me that you are sorry and that you really have chanced" I state and hang up.

I didn't give him a specific spot on purpose. However, he found me within 20 minutes on top of the Gapstow Bridge. When I was little, we used to come here and throw rocks in The Pod right after we visited Central Park Zoo. It was our favorite spot for daddy-daughter dates. Did he bring Sarah here too?

"Thank you for coming, Anastasia" he speaks first

"Unlike you, I keep my word" I reply.

"I see... Well, I'm here to--"

"Why were you so embarrassed about me not choosing to follow in your steps?" I cut straight to the chase

"I was wrong to have expectations for your life. I was wrong to expect you to follow in my tracks. It's just that spend 18 years fantasizing about the day you got accepted into Harvard law, I had everything set up for you. And you wrecked everything, which turned out to be a good thing. When you got rejected, I was disappointed and angry. I got blinded by the negative feelings and let them outshine the good ones. However, now, I can't help but be so proud of all the things you've achieved knowing all the things you went through; all the things I put you through. And I was too much of a coward to reach out to you" he explain. "I will regret my actions for the rest of my life, Anastasia".

All that sounds good... But I want to test him a little more; see how much he has changed.

"I've told you a couple of lies too" I confess. "At 16, I told you I wanted to be a doctor. You said I'll change my mind"

"I remember"

"At 17, when we were sending my college applications we agreed that if I get into Harvard I would go there. But if I didn't, you'd let me do my undergrad in biology"

"And you got rejected, so I kept my word and funded your undergrad at NYU" he reminds me

"And at 22, when I was finishing my undergrad and was preparing my med school applications, you said that you'll only pay for my medical degree if I sent in an application to Harvard again and spent 2 months in the firm under some first-year"

"We prepared the application together, but you got rejected again. That's when I got angry and decided to not keep my end of the bargain. I also tried to sabotage you by messing with your Hopkins application" he confesses openly which is a good sign right now. "Luckily, you kept Stanford a secret from me" he chuckles.

"Well, I never got rejected from Harvard. I passed the LSATs the first time, and was accepted both times. But I lied and showed you a fake rejection letter that I had printed out" I reveal.

I wait for his reaction. I expect him to walk away or yell at me.

"I understand" he says, catching me off guard, "You did it so you would have the opportunity to follow your dreams. I'm happy that you did it, and I'm ashamed of my reaction"

I nod and look up for a second, trying to blink away my tears.

"Unfortunately, you are not the only person I hurt, Anastasia. The way I treated you and Alicia will be the greatest regret of my life"

"What about mom?" I question, not understanding how he hurt her too

"I will explain, and any reaction you have to the truth will be justified. Because, as I mentioned on the phone, I am ready to come clean to you about everything"

"Let me hear it then".