Chapter 45 - The Poison of Lust

A/N: No but the way I would treasure this note ⬆️

PS can't decide how I feel about this chapter 😅 but here you go...

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Though the bar was busy, the muted glow of thinly spread lanterns put most of the room in flickering shadow, giving the illusion of privacy. Scents of cigar smoke, spilled drinks and perfume weaved through the air. A low hum of conversation permeated the room, broken by occasional bursts of laughter and the clinking of glasses.

Severus raised a crystal-cut tumbler to his lips, savouring the smoky, honeyed flavour as it slid over his tongue. He sat alone at a small round table, his back to the exposed brick wall, his travelling cloak draped over his chair. As his fingers rotated the tumbler on the scarred wooden tabletop, his eyes roamed the room and its patrons.

This excursion to one of his more familiar Parisian haunts had been unplanned.

An hour earlier, Severus had been lying in bed, as befitted a regular February weeknight. He had been replaying Asha's and his latest duelling lesson in his mind.

They were now five sessions in, and his 'student' had advanced drastically. Never before had Severus found teaching so enjoyable and rewarding. Their sessions were dynamic, fast-paced and focused. Asha listened carefully, understood quickly and asked brilliant questions. Unlike in potions, she poured everything into her duelling homework, and the power of her spellcasting was flourishing rapidly.

Asha challenged Severus whenever she disagreed with or didn't understand the strategies he taught her. He would always allow her to 'try it her way' and once or twice he'd had to admit she had a point. It had reached the stage where Severus came away from their lessons feeling that he himself had gained a little insight into the finer aspects of the duelling art.

After Asha's head injury during their second session, Severus had altered his vague lesson plans to reduce her risk of injury for as long as possible. Not only did he hate hurting her, but he also felt the need to mitigate situations that involved getting too physically close to her. Something about seeing her flushed from exertion, hair a mess and eyes alight... it stirred a beast within him.

It was at that moment, lying in bed, that Severus' mind had begun drifting. To places he did not want it to go. Again.

His lust was infuriating. The very touch of his skin on the silk sheets reminded him of Asha's Yule Ball dress. And everything that lay beneath it. Asha was so beautiful... And was now keeping him awake at night. More than once, he'd wondered if his usual nightmares and insomnia were preferable to this persistent desire.

Lust. It was getting all tangled up in his admiration and care for Asha. Severus had been so preoccupied with keeping an eye on her these past six months that he hadn't found the time for his usual... escapades. It was no wonder he was suffering from such desire when he had gone so long without someone else in his bed.

Flinging back the covers, Severus climbed out of bed, dressed, and grabbed his cloak on the way out. He needed to get that girl out of his head!

So here he was, in a city far from home, playing the game that always worked for him.

An attractive red-haired woman stood at the bar with a group of friends. As they waited for their drinks, she turned to look at Severus for the third time that night. Lounging in his chair against the wall, he stared back, fingers still toying with his glass of whiskey.

He didn't smile. He didn't wink. He didn't move. He just gazed at her, letting his eyes wander up and down her curvy form once. Her tight sapphire dress left little to the imagination.

Severus watched as the barman levitated an array of drinks over to the group. The redhead plucked two from the air and whispered something to her friend, before weaving her way over to his table.

"You look lonely," she teased, her voice slightly raised to be heard over the surrounding thrum of conversation. Severus noted the American accent.

"Do I?"

She smiled flirtatiously and pulled up a seat next to him, sliding over a drink as she sat down. She looked to be in her late twenties, with intelligent blue eyes and a habit of twirling her fiery hair around one finger.

"Aren't your friends going to miss you?" Severus asked lazily, picking up the gifted drink.

"Oh, I think they'll cope." She ran the tip of her tongue along her painted lips as she gave him a once-over.

Sometimes it bothered him how easy it was. On other nights, he revelled in the fact he could draw beautiful women to him without a word. It's only because they don't know you, he often reminded himself once back in his solitary day-to-day. These women wouldn't be so keen on you if they understood what kind of man you truly were.

Now that he had this woman's full attention, part two of the game ensued. Severus asked open-ended questions while divulging very little about himself. As she shifted closer and he hung an arm over the back of her chair, he murmured compliments and quick-witted remarks in her ear.

He knew his voice did something to people. There are moments when I think my voice does something to Asha... The thought rose unbidden in his mind. No. I am not here to think about her! He forced himself to focus on the woman in front of him. It wouldn't be long before he was unzipping that skin-tight dress, caressing her soft skin and tasting what she'd been drinking.

The woman stroked a manicured hand up and down his inner thigh while her other draped over his shoulder. Usually, at this point, Severus would be experiencing great surges of desire and touching her in return, preparing to vacate the bar and apparate somewhere more private. Preparing to have an extremely pleasant, stress-relieving evening.

Instead, he felt empty.

What had happened to all his pent-up lust from two hours ago?

Severus wondered what Asha was doing at this very moment—what she was thinking. It was late. He imagined her beautiful sleeping form in her dorm room. Her hair loose and shining in the moonlight. Asha, surrounded by people yet ultimately alone. So perfect and elegant yet so unbelievably deep and bright and fierce. His chest constricted. The feeling caused an ominous kind of panic to start seeping into his blood. Stop.

He was dragged back into the bar as the redhead trailed a tantalizing fingernail down the back of his neck. He hummed in response to whatever it was she was saying. Her gesture made him think of Asha's scar. Of the way she'd reacted beneath his fingers as he had touched her that night. The way she had turned on the spot and grasped his lapels. The feeling of her warm body flush against his. The thin fabric barely covering her...

Now his desire swelled. For fuck's sake.

Suddenly, the feeling of this witch draped over him and whispering seductively in his ear was deeply unappealing. He wanted her off him.

She was insubstantial. She was immaterial. She was nothing. Nothing compared to... This woman was like an empty chocolate wrapper. All shiny outer promise, no delicious, rich, dark substance. Not like...

Merlin help me.

Severus downed the last of his drink and leaned into the woman's ear. Her wandering hand paused extremely high up his inner thigh.

"Forgive me," Severus said softly. "You are an exceptionally beautiful woman. I am sorry for wasting your time."

Then he stood up, swept on his cloak and left the bar.

Half an hour later, he was back where he started. Lying shirtless in bed, arms crossed, glaring at the ceiling. The only light was the orange glow of the dying hearth. His sheets were cold.

Infuriatingly, his desire had increased once again with proximity. Now that Asha was only corridors and staircases away, he felt he could sense her presence through the layers of cold stone that separated them. Her existence tugged at him, like it was wrong for them to be so far apart.

It was starting to feel like he was living his life only for the moments when he saw her. Like that was the only time his life was full and complete and right. The only time he was whole. Which was ridiculous. Had it been so long since he'd had a close acquaintance?

Part of him desperately wished Asha would walk through his door this instant. He yearned for it. He imagined the click of the enchanted lock opening—no doubt she was capable of thwarting it—and her dark, clever eyes meeting his as she slipped through the door.

Before he could say anything, she would insist he didn't talk, didn't move. And this would somehow be enough to prevent him from resisting. Enough for him not to stop her as she crawled on top of him and slowly enveloped his mouth with her own.

His insides fizzed. To feel her mouth on his. Merlin, she had the most stunning mouth. Naturally full, gorgeous lips. A deviously quick tongue. If he could only know the feeling of brushing his tongue against hers. If he could only show her how good he could make her feel just by kissing her.

His blood heated. Lust pumped through his veins like poison.

He didn't just need to kiss her. He needed her to like it. To relish it. He needed her to lose herself in him like she had the night of the Yule Ball. Once again, he recalled the delicious feel of her tense body pressed against him. Her fast, shallow breaths, hot on his neck.

Severus' restless fingers rubbed back and forth along the silk of his sheets. The sensation triggered another tangible flash of that exquisite black dress draped over her skin like water. In his mind's eye, he ran his hands along every gorgeous curve of Asha's body.

Then he was sliding her dress from her shoulders. It snaked down her body and pooled at her feet. Her warm, wet mouth was on his. Her breasts soft against his bare chest. Her beautiful lips toying at his neck. At his chest. Around his—

He inhaled raggedly.

With his head full of her scent, her warmth and her body, Severus slipped a hand between the sheets, succumbing to his need to satisfy the hard heat between his legs.

She joined him under the covers. Pressed her naked body on top of his. He ran his hands up and down the curves of her hips and waist, imagining the way her body would respond. Her hips rolling, in search of friction. Her little sigh of delight as he grew hard between her legs.

Merlin. To picture Asha in that way. To imagine her desiring him. Wanting him. Thirsty for the stimulation and satiation he could give her.

He saw a pink flush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks, the way it had that day in the duelling room. Her whole body hot and tingling with arousal under his touch.

Fuck. He needed that. He needed her. More than anything. Beneath the sheets his hand moved in deft, desperate intent to rid him of that need. To release some of this aching, forbidden desire that was entirely for her.

Now, Asha was whimpering his name into his ear. She wanted, needed him to make her feel good. And he obliged.

His mind flooded with delicious visions. Her gasp as he sank inside her... The slick tightness of her. Her fingers clutching, pulling, dragging at his hair...

All of it drove him closer to the edge. His legs shifted against the sheets, hips stirring. It felt so fucking good to be doing this while she painted every corner of his mind. Her skin, her breath, her touch practically palpable.

He was cradling her head as she whimpered... Her never-ending legs were wrapping around his waist... Her swollen mouth was gasping desperately into his...

His toes curled.

Oh, fuck. Asha.

Severus' breaths were heavy and uncontrolled. His free hand gripped the edge of the mattress.

Asha, that strong, brilliant, unstoppable force—moaning, gasping, trembling; just for him... Asha... coming apart for him.

His hips began to buck slightly, needing to move, needing to... needing to... The pure aching pleasure between his legs rose up—yes, yes, just like that—reached a body-locking peak—

And released. Rolling through him in several strong, blissful waves. He exhaled, forceful and jagged. His body continued to clench and hum as he was finally coaxed into a state of much-needed satiation.

Severus lay there, breathing hard and deep as the final pangs of his climax subsided.

His bedroom was now almost completely dark. Only a dim red radiance of coals shone from the fireplace.

A few moments of limp, hazy relaxation were all Severus got.

Disgust hit him like a bucket of ice water.

His stomach turned. How dare I invite her perfection into even my mind, to be marred by the revolting lust of a deplorable, irredeemable man. How dare I fantasize over a moment of vulnerability of a young woman who was, by her own admission, 'drunk and lonely'.

He, who was so much older, and so tarnished by the reprehensible deeds he hadn't even dared to disclose to her. She, who had offered up so much of herself in the spirit of a trust he did not deserve. And Severus had let her. Encouraged her. All because I was greedy for her secrets. All because I couldn't stand the idea of not knowing her.

And now he was dragging her through the filth of his depraved mind for his own sick pleasure. He seethed. Get some fucking control you weak, pathetic excuse of a human being.

Severus ripped the covers aside. With a wave of his wand, the condemning evidence was gone. He went straight into the bathroom and ran the tap, splashing cold water on his face. Then he braced his hands on either side of the basin and stared witheringly at his reflection.

All his most terrible and most familiar feelings reared up in his chest—a dragon, readying to breathe flames of pure hatred, disgust and contempt. Clenching his fists, he let the fire blaze within him.

Then it was all too much.

He cut it off with the muscle memory of an expert. Emptiness filled the space in his chest.

According to the record affixed to the inside of his bathroom cabinet, he was supposed to go at least three more nights without taking Potion for Dreamless Sleep. But tonight, he didn't care.

Despite the fact it certainly wasn't advisable to take with alcohol, he snatched a decent-sized vial from the rack. The enchanted parchment traitorously marked down the date, time and dose. Severus slammed the cabinet shut and downed the liquid before crawling back into bed.

Tomorrow, I will get it together.

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A/N: wtf did I just write aaaaah!

FEEL FREE TO SKIP ⬇️do vote tho :P

lmao "tomorrow" = me every fucking day

The more I think about it the more I wonder why the fuck I felt inclined to write this... but ngl - as a terrible feminist, I do fuuucking love a man's pleasure. My appreciation for women's pleasure is a relatively new development in my life lmao not fourth wing being my therapy ahaha

sidenote: I legit think my sexuality was half broken and unplugged until I sorted out some of my trauma (not sex related trauma btw) - super weird and interesting to go through (the healing bit, not the trauma bit lol. And no I haven't mentioned that to my therapist because I STILL have issues with shame and vulnerability - but we done come a long way gosh dang it! shouts out Brené Brown. To the point where it's actually harder to write Asha these days. In a previous chapter draft I had listed all her feelings and had to go back and delete it because I was like AIN'T NO WAY Asha is giving any time of day to figuring out this mess of feels

And then this chapter ended so dark ahahaha oh god. but Sev is a dark dude so IT'S WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR. (Also that's SEV saying all those awful things about himself - NOT ME 😭 It's canon that Sev fuuucking hates himself right? Or is that just in my head... It just seems so true to me)

Yay do I get to change my story rating to mature now? This is just lil taster! First time publishing smut so I felt I needed to rip the band-aid off before things get really wet and wild lolll

PS seriously need to figure out the username of my only irl who knows about this and block him lmao

Has anyone read The Stars on the Staircase? 👀 I created a reading list called Fantastic Filth just for that story ahahha

Oke imma go hide in a hole now

Vote to lessen my shame (ahaha jkjk ...but totally vote 🙈)