Chapter 43 - Dazed

A/N: THE MEME THO. My 2020 self is feeling waay too seen rn (me trying to gaslight myself into thinking my mental health has improved since then lmao)

Btw my current Order of the Phoenix re-listen is STRESSING ME OUT. Harry is like drowning in homework and the pressure of exams, and everyone is angry all the time and it's making me feel LEGITIMATELY ILL 😂 I miss the good ol' throwing-snowballs-in-voldy's-face days

PS I'm way too excited to have learned what an em dash is lmao did you know - and — are different 🫢 or does everyone know that and my education system has failed me once again (more like my inability to listen in class) WHY IS THE EM DASH SO SEXY THO. Like, that's a good lookin' punctuation if I ever saw one. What's the finest punctuation - GO! 💀

Edit - oh my god Wattpad replaced my beautiful em dashes with ugly old en dashes. This is a tragic day

*

Their first duelling session had been incredible.

Asha had expected Severus' reluctant, "I'll think about it," during the holidays to take a lot more persuading. But to her utter surprise and delight, by the start of the new term, Dumbledore had arranged for Asha to be exempt from arithmancy classes once a week to practice duelling with Severus.

It had all been worked out. Arithmancy was the only subject none of her Hufflepuff friends took with her, meaning no awkward questions. Hermione Granger had agreed to share her notes for the lessons that Asha would be missing for 'personal reasons'. And most importantly, that particular arithmancy timeslot just happened to coincide with one of the potion master's free periods.

It all seemed too good to be true, both that Severus had agreed so readily and that Dumbledore had happily volunteered to bend school rules. Perhaps the headmaster thought it would help Asha to manage her 'magic addiction'... or at least make her less likely to drag a student into her duelling enthusiasm as she had with Cedric. Whatever the reason those two men had, Asha wasn't about to complain.

She had thought she was quite a good dueller - a natural, even. Well, Severus had knocked her down a peg or fifty. He'd completely annihilated her. By the end of the hour, she'd been a sweaty, breathless, utterly exhausted mess. Meanwhile, Severus still looked as though he were barely trying, hardly even lifting his wand. It. Was. Wild.

Immediately after the session, Asha had rushed to scribble down all she'd learned. And that was saying a lot, given she'd already memorised the Hogwarts library's worth of duelling books. But none of those texts prepared a witch to fight someone significantly more powerful than herself. Plus, those books followed duelling regulations. Severus had made it clear he would be teaching her how to fight dirty. The kinds of Dark witches and wizards Asha wanted to be hunting as an Auror wouldn't give a damn about 'tournament etiquette'.

This past week, she had been practising her shielding charm at every spare moment. Which was actually a fair bit, given how often she'd been alone on the grounds, trying to help out Hagrid.

Almost two weeks had passed since Rita Skeeter's article was published, and Hagrid still hadn't emerged from his cabin. Knowing all too well what it felt like to want to be left alone, Asha hadn't tried too forcefully to talk to him. Helping out with practical tasks had seemed like a far better - and easier - way to support him. Still, on Sunday, she had caved and slipped a note under his door, saying:

Hagrid,

You're an integral part of the heart and soul of Hogwarts. To the people who know you, to the people who matter, it changes nothing.

- Asha

PS, the skrewts are doing well

Naturally, the Wizarding World's horrified reaction to someone having a violent, untrustworthy parent hit Asha uncomfortably close to home. She'd been doing her best to block out the discourse, to shut down any thoughts about her own parentage. But seeing the vitriol thrown at Hagrid, and by seemingly sensible people-

"Quiet please, Mr Finch-Fletchley," rang the stern voice of Professor McGonagall, snapping Asha out of her reverie. "The lesson is not yet over."

This transfiguration class was lasting an eternity.

Asha glanced at the clock for the hundredth time as she drummed her quill against the desk. Two minutes to go.

Professor McGonagall was explaining their next homework assignment while a piece of chalk scratched out the instructions on the board. Asha jotted these down in her notebook like everyone else, all the while running through a completely different field of study in her head. She'd been waiting for this all week - and now that the moment had finally arrived, she was surprised to find herself feeling a little nervous.

At last, the bell rang and McGonagall dismissed the class. Asha stuffed her notebook, quill and ink pot into her bag, and bid farewell to Maive and the gang, most of whom were off to divination. Then she headed to the 3rd floor.

Once in the deserted side corridor, Asha slipped into a nook behind a tapestry of two centaurs. She tapped her wand three times on a particularly cracked stone brick. The back wall of the nook transformed into a door, which she pushed open and slipped inside.

Five minutes later, Severus entered the duelling room. He had just been rather harsh on his second-years. Perhaps overly harsh. Then again, the students had taken a frankly ludicrous amount of time to pack up their cauldrons, and he had far more enjoyable places to be.

His stomach did an irritating little swoop as his gaze landed on Asha. Her sleeves were already rolled up and the top buttons of her white school shirt were undone, her tie hanging abandoned next to her robes. She was in the middle of wrangling her long dark hair into a knot atop her head, her wand tucked into waistband of her skirt.

"More prepared for what's coming this time, I see," Severus commented.

"In more ways than my attire," Asha smiled, though a little shyly. That was odd.

"I should hope so," he replied. "Let us begin immediately, and see how your shielding charm has improved. As with the last session, blocking only. No rebound. You are to learn control and skill, not rely on luck or creating the chaos of haphazardly deflected curses."

"Yes, sir," Asha responded, her tone approximately zero percent respect, one hundred percent mocking. Her rare moment of shyness had vanished as quickly as it had come.

"Might I remind you that you were the one who wanted me to do this in the first place?" Severus hung up his cloak and strode to the other end of the room.

"Which is exactly why I'm being so obedient and respectful," Asha replied sweetly.

"I still can't believe that the realisation that you are, in fact, not the fantastic dueller you thought you were has not lessened your impertinence in the slightest."

"I'm practising my smug demeanour for the inevitable moment when my skills surpass yours."

Severus scoffed. "I'd very much like to see that."

"Come on then," Asha taunted. "The harder we work the sooner it'll happen." She took up a defensive stance, raising her wand.

Severus was pleased to spot the tense determination on her face. It was good that some part of her was taking this seriously. Now, he thought, she's had a whole week to train her shield charm; time to see what I'm really working with.

Better prepared for what she was up against this time around, Asha cast her shield preemptively, getting it up a split second before Severus sent the disarming spell flying at her.

In their first session, he had taught her how to sense when her shield was about to fail. She focussed on that, rather than the showering red sparks or the whizz and crack of the duel.

Immediately, Asha could tell her shield was holding well - much better than last week, anyway. She experienced a moment of pride before, impossibly, spells were firing at her even faster than last time. She swore, sensing her shield taking an absolute beating.

Trying to time it perfectly, Asha sidestepped just as her shield broke and poured all her concentration into casting a stronger charm. She felt ripples of power from the sparks that flew past her abdomen and hit the wall behind her. Then her shield was up again.

Feeling confident in its protection, Asha ducked around it for a split second and sent Expelliarmus hurtling back at Severus. The bastard didn't even flinch. With a precise flick of his wand, he repelled the spell with a small shield cast at his left shoulder, exactly where it would've hit him. Well, fuck me.

Severus let the duel go on for several more minutes, testing the limits of Asha's focus and endurance. She made a few more valiant attempts to gain an offensive position before blocking became the only thing she had capacity for.

"Wands down, Winters," he eventually called. She let her shield dissolve and slumped against the wall, breathing hard.

"Why does doing magic make me so puffed?" she gasped. "I wasn't leaping around that much this time, was I?"

Severus smirked. It was a shame she had knocked that instinct so easily. It had been rather amusing.

"Shocking though it may seem, it is hard to avoid breathlessness when you are holding your breath," he said.

He watched as Asha frowned - her confused little frown that made her eyebrows flatten and her bottom lip pucker ever so slightly.

"Am I?" She stuck her wand into her waistband and tried unsuccessfully to brush the flyaway hair from her face. "How would you know?"

Severus shot her a pointed look as she stood, still panting, her cheeks a delicate shade of pink.

"Okay, fine!" She raised a hand in acquiescence. "Note to self, don't forget to breathe."

A smile ghosted Severus' lips and he strolled over.

"Lack of breathing aside, that was surprisingly competent," he admitted. "You've improved remarkably since our previous session."

Asha shot him a doubtful look. She felt like she'd been quite as obliterated as last week, stronger shield or not.

"You have," Severus insisted. His eyes narrowed. "I trust you're not dragging any senior students into your practising?"

Asha rolled her eyes. "Of course not." She attempted to nudge him back toward his duelling post, eager for a rematch.

"Well, excuse me, if, based on your previous track record, I don't take that for granted."

"I thought everything pre-memory-restoration was Dumbledore's fault," Asha quipped.

The corner of Severus' mouth quirked, but he ignored her, getting back to business. "Let's try something new," he said. This quietened Asha.

"The disarming spell possesses moderate-level shield penetration. Though, in my case, it may be... stronger than average," he acknowledged, more to himself. "Whereas, hexes and curses can have a harder time breaking through shield charms. Additionally, they can - provided they leave you conscious - allow the duel to continue, even when an opponent is struck."

An unreadable expression brushed Asha's features. Severus surveyed her. He decided to take a risk.

"Learning how to recover and keep a cool head when in pain or partially stunned can be the difference between life and death," he said quietly. "Understood?"

A quiet foreboding curled down Asha's spine. So this is why they've been so accommodating with my hobby - Albus and Severus must truly believe something dangerous is going on, potentially within the castle walls. She looked up into those intense onyx eyes and nodded, ignoring the cold apprehension sinking in her stomach.

Severus' gaze softened as he saw understanding in Asha's own. Good, he thought.

"We're going to practice with Everte Statum," he said, registering that his voice had entirely dropped its professorial edge. "Your shield should hold up to it for longer, leaving you a chance to get on the offensive. When you get hit, focus on keeping hold of your wand, staying on your feet if you can, and getting a shield up to let yourself recover."

Asha spent the next half an hour being periodically slammed in the chest by a spell that - she knew from her training with Cedric - Severus was keeping at mercifully low power.

Over and over again, she was thrown backwards, only managing to land on her feet about half the time. Other times, the spell would hit her off-centre and send her rolling and skidding across the floor. Usually, she managed to get a shield up in time to recover, though she had a feeling Severus was going embarrassingly easy on her. She now knew full well how unbelievably quick he could be.

Occasionally, he would call out, "Good," when she managed to fire off a well-aimed retaliation at him, despite the fact he deflected every single one.

About forty minutes in, Severus couldn't believe Asha was still taking it. She refused to let him heal her scrapes and bruises, saying, "Isn't learning to fight through pain the whole point?". She was right, of course. But still...

"Go harder on me," Asha challenged, becoming increasingly frustrated with her own ineptitude and slow improvement.

"You are tiring," Severus drawled, standing with what was - in Asha's opinion - an obnoxious degree of composure given how hard she'd been working to take him down. It's not his fault you're so rubbish, she seethed. Logically, she knew she was being too harsh on herself. But as always, the feeling of impotence made her furious.

"Asha, you can't expect to advance far in a single session," Severus explained patiently. "Exhaustion inhibits both reflexes and spellcasting, let alone cognitive performance."

"Do you think that whatever it is - whoever it is - you and Dumbledore are so worried about will go easy on me because I'm tired?" Asha demanded.

Severus went still and a rare silence fell over the duelling room. A breeze gusted through the open windows, rattling things within the jumble of furniture at the far side of the room.

"Fine," Severus relented. "But you will let me heal you afterwards. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Ready?"

"Death Eaters won't ask if I'm-" Asha shut her mouth and whipped up her wand to block the spell already pelting at her.

She was starting to get the hang of precision deflecting, but the magic bombarding her now was definitely a step up in strength. She gritted her teeth, trying to remember to breathe.

She lasted about forty-five seconds before pure power rammed into her sternum. The force propagated through Asha's entire body as she was flung backwards. For a split second, the world narrowed to a tunnel as Severus and the room sped away from her. Then impact.

Severus swore. Asha had just hit the stone wall. Hard.

He dashed across the room, catching her under the arms as she slumped to the floor. Her head lolled to the side.

"Winters?" he insisted. "Can you hear me? Asha?"

She would be fine of course. But the thought that he had thrown her so violently made his insides churn.

"Asha?"

The seconds ticked by and still she didn't rouse.

Severus was just about to lay her down and check her head when she stirred, her lashes fluttering in rhythm with his relief.

"Mmm." Asha came to with a stabbing headache and light blaring into her half-lidded eyes. Someone was saying her name and brushing loose strands of hair from her face. She pushed the person away, trying to sit up. But she was already sitting up... sort of. As the world came back into focus, she registered she was slumped against the wall, Severus kneeling over her.

"Oh," she said vaguely. "Ouch. Hello."

As the haze over her mind started to clear, she reached a hand behind her head. Her fingers came back bloody. Severus gave a sharp intake of breath.

"I'm alright," said Asha, just now becoming aware of how very close he was to her. The spiced, earthy scent of him seemed to caress her very skin.

Severus lifted a hand and brought it behind Asha's head, his fingers threading gently through her messy hair. His other hand was firmly at her ribs, holding her upright. She felt him tense as he touched the wound - where her head must have hit the wall.

"Ow," she said, though it came out as a whisper.

"It's not severe," Severus murmured. Asha's skin prickled. This close, his voice was like liquid velvet. She looked up into his eyes, which were already boring into hers, filled with concern and... was that anguish?

"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Asha asked softly.

Severus blinked.

"Your head wound isn't severe," he repeated more firmly. "I can heal you here."

Picking his wand up off the floor between his foot and knee, he slid his other hand higher up Asha's scalp and gently guided her head forward. Passing his wand over her wound, he uttered incantations in a soothing undertone. The pain and dizziness immediately began to recede.

He let her lean back against the wall, keeping one hand cradled to the side of her head as if she might still need help holding it up. Then he continued to glide his wand meticulously over her limbs, healing her numerous scrapes and bruises from the session.

Asha was too busy watching Severus' face to notice. His lips barely moved as he recited the more basic healing incantations. Feathery black hair fell around his eyes, brushing along his cheekbones and jaw. A furrow of concentration marked the spot between his brows.

"How do you feel?" he asked softly once he was finished. "Does anything still hurt?" He dragged his gaze back up to meet hers.

Asha's heart stuttered. The way he was kneeling over her, his concerned voice and gentle touch in stark contrast to his solid, unyielding body. She had an overwhelming urge to reach up and touch his chest. To run her hands through his hair. To pull him closer. It was taking everything she had not to drop her gaze to his lips. Oh, god. To her horror, she felt a blush creeping up her neck. She couldn't speak.

When Asha didn't answer, Severus finally noticed his hand. His fingers were still entangled in her hair, his thumb having drifted to rest against her cheek. Now, his churning insides did an obscene kind of summersault. He was instantly hyperaware of the warmth of her skin against his palm.

For a moment that lasted an eternity, neither of them moved. Asha's cheeks were turning slightly pink, her breathing uneven and shallow. Eyes still locked with his, her full lips stirred, parting infinitesimally.

Severus' gaze dropped to her mouth and Asha's pulse doubled. Butterflies fluttered wildly in her stomach. It was hard to breathe. Something inside her was screaming for her to push herself up and press her lips against his. It would be so easy. He was so close... He was right there...

His hand was still cradled to her beautiful face... His left hand, Severus realised with horror. What am I doing?

Severus stiffened and abruptly stood up, leaving a cool spot on Asha's cheek where his thumb had been. Asha let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. What just happened?

"That's enough for today," Severus declared, suddenly austere. Asha shifted to sit upright against the wall.

"I pushed you too hard," he growled as he stalked toward the cloak hooks.

"No you didn't," Asha retorted, surprised at the forcefulness of her own voice.

Severus stowed his wand, pulled on his cloak and swept toward the exit, not looking at her.

He paused at the door, seeming like he might say something more. Asha could see the muscles of his jaw working.

"Keep practising your shielding," he said flatly. Finally his eyes flickered to her.

Feeling suddenly childish and pathetic sitting there on the floor, Asha sprung to her feet. And this time she was sure she hadn't imagined it. For just a moment, Severus' eyes roamed up and down her body. Perhaps he was doing a final check for injuries. Perhaps he was noting how completely dishevelled she looked. But perhaps... her whole body heated at the thought.

"Severus." The word slipped unintended from her lips.

The crease between his brows deepened and he pursed his lips. Agony swirled in the depths of those eyes.

"No," he said.

And then he left, neither of them quite knowing what either of those two words meant.

*

A/N: TEA