My Tears Ricochet

I gripped the edge of the counter till my knuckles turned white. Three pregnancy tests laid flat against the countertop all slowly loading results. We just got back home last week and although I don't think it's possible to get pregnant this soon after what happened. I couldn't stop the nagging voice in the back of my head. I had to take these tests. Yes three, it's always three now. The best two out of three is now my answer, I'm not having a repeat of last time, I refuse.

"Alex, are you ready yet, we're supposed to meet the realtor in twenty minutes" Noah called through the bathroom door.

"Just a minute" I called out before opening my eyes. All single lines. Negative again, this is becoming disheartening. I let out a shaky sigh before gathering the tests in one hand and tossing them in the trash can. I took a deep breath then let it out slowly before opening the bathroom door to reveal Noah leaning against the frame.

"Were you testing again?" He asked.

"Maybe," I shrugged as I passed him stepping into my room.

"We're going to spend a fortune on tests, we won't be able to afford an apartment." Noah pushed off the door frame and followed me to the bed where I sat to put on my shoes. He kneeled in front of me and took the shoe from my hand and proceeded to finish the task for me.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just can't help it ya know?" I sighed. "I just start feeling funny and then I think what if this is it? I think it's just anxiety." I tried to explain my convoluted thinking.

"Well you definitely have anxiety," Noah nodded in agreement.

"Thanks" I deadpanned.

"Sorry, it's the truth" he said sheepishly.

"I know" he stood before holding out a hand for me, I accepted and let him tug me off the bed and into his arms.

"I love you" he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you too," I said into his chest.

"So what do you think? Two bedrooms enough or would you like to see the three bedroom floor plan?" The realtor, Ben asked excitedly.

"Two bedrooms is enough," I murmured though Noah said it at the same time loud enough to be heard. It was a brand new never lived in apartment we were looking at. Open floor plan with two master suites. It was luxury and I was beginning to feel my concern grow over the price tag.

I stopped my wandering by the sliding glass door to the patio. "So what do you think?" Noah asked as he came to stand next to me.

"I think it's pretty expensive for an apartment." I sighed. "I feel like we'd be better off with a house." Noah nodded slowly before stepping away and turning back to Ben who was waiting in the kitchen.

"What about a house? Same price range" Noah asked as he headed in Ben's direction. Oh, this is gonna be a long day.

We ended up seeing two more apartments, which we rushed through because we weren't really interested before moving on to seeing two house. We departed from the Ben after the second house with lots to think about. "I don't know anymore." I sighed as I sunk in to the car seat.

"I like the second house the best. Three bedrooms give me room to write and room for a baby, it has a better floor plan, I like the kitchen" Noah began rattling off his thoughts. "What do you think"

"I just worry about the cost of it all"

"You worry about everything, Alex" he countered.

"Shut up," I laughed at the truth he spoke. "I like the second one a lot" I admitted.

"Enough to put an offer in?" Noah asked with hope in his voice.

"I think so" I nodded. "Let's sleep on it though."

"We can call Ben back tomorrow with an answer."

"I agree."

A couple weeks have passed since we decided to put an offer in on the house we agreed on. Our closing day got pushed back a few weeks unexpectedly due to some work needing to be done on the house before we could close. Currently Noah is driving us to our final walk through of the house before closing day.

Noah's hand rested on my thigh, he gave a gentle squeeze before saying. "You excited?" I looked over to see the grin on his face.

"I'll be more excited when we see the fence is fixed, if it's fixed." I sighed. There'd been a lot of back and forth over getting the fence fixed but we held firm and were going to wait till it was settled so it didn't have to fall on our list of responsibilities.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. We'll see soon enough, almost there." I heard him finish his sentence but just as he did it was like time stopped. It happened so fast yet I remember it so clearly. The terrible sound of metal on metal with such crushing force. Being pushed into the center console, suddenly unable to moved. The dampness now running down the side of my face that smacked the window that was now far closer to me than it should have been. "Alex!" I heard Noah's panicked voice though I couldn't see him due to my blurring vision. "Alex! Are you okay? Can you hear me" I looked in the direction his voice was coming from but darkness overtook me before I could focus my eyes on him.

I've been here before. Darkness, it was all just darkness. The only thing keeping me from thinking I'm dead is the sound of the room around me. The beeping, of the machines around me, the talking of the people who paced around the room, the door opening and closing and opening and closing. Soft spoken words and frantic demands. "It'll be okay sweetie" and "she's losing too much blood". Solemn pleas and unwanted statement, "Stay with me" and "we need another transfusion". No matter what happens around me I know that as long as I'm here I'm still alive.

"She'll be asleep for awhile okay? Maybe even a few days."

"Okay" Noah. He's here, he's okay, and he's here. "Hey beautiful," I felt his touch on my forehead, brushing my hair back. "I'm so sorry, this shouldn't have happened. Not like this."

I wanted nothing more than to pull myself from the darkness and run back to reality but no matter how hard I fought I couldn't move from my spot in the darkness. I have to make my way back. I have too.

It felt like forever had passed, everyone had come to visit me. I heard all their voices, all their kind words and offers of anything needed directed at Noah. He declined all help, said he was staying till I wake up. Hearing the sorrow in his voice only helped me fight harder. I couldn't let him live in this misery any longer. The boys had left awhile ago, silence had been hanging in the room like the smell of burnt toast, it was awful, miserable, almost unbearable. I had to get back.

It happened as suddenly as the accident that put me here in the first place. Without warning to myself or Noah, my eyes opened, wide and with a gasp for air. I tried to sit up but I was too weak, I could barely lift my head. Noah was right there. "Alex!" His hand in mine squeezed tightly as his eyes searched mine. "She's awake!" He called out. So loud it hurt my ears but I wouldn't dare complain.

I opened my mouth to speak and suddenly became aware of how dry my mouth and throat are, so dry I couldn't even speak. Nurses began rushing into the room and Noah was pushed back from the bedside. Still his hand didn't leave mine as he stood arms distance away, watching the nurses examine me, holding my hand tightly with reassuring squeezes. The nurses were asking so many questions it was dizzying. I was overwhelmed and overstimulated and I just felt like crying. Wait. I am crying.