King Of My Heart

I came to from the jostling movement of being carried upstairs. When my eyes opened I felt blinded by the overhead light of the living room shinning down on me. I didn't move my head to signal I was awake, but I saw the tattooed arms of my carrier, letting me know Noah was the one holding me. Calmness washed over me, I was with him, I was safe again. He walked us to his room and through into the bathroom, where I lulled my head back so he could see I was awake. With my head craned back I could see his face, his expression was difficult to read, he was upset for sure, anger or sadness I couldn't tell. he turned his head to look down at me and gave a crooked half smile before shifting me in his arms to sit me on the edge of the bath tub.

He sat down on both knees in front of me and began meticulously working on taking my shoes off. After undoing the straps, he began pulling the shoes off, separating bloody skin from crusty shoe, I heard him sniffle. At first I thought I imagined the noise to make myself feel better in the painful silence we sat in, that was until I heard it again. His head was hung low so I couldn't see his face as he worked, when started on the second shoe the truth was confirmed when I watched a tear fall from his face and onto my ankle below. I held my breath as I watched the single tear roll down my skin, gathering dirt with it as it went, leaving a clean line behind it like a snail trail.

My heart was beating rapidly now and only increased more when Noah lifted his head, bringing his eyes to meet mine. His were glossy and reddening. "I'm sorry" we both spoke at the same time in broken, cracked voices.

"No, No," he shook his head as he brought his hands to my knees and squeezed. "You didn't do anything" he pushed out as he broke eye contact, choosing the floor instead. "I should have never-" he choked out as tears took over.

"Hey" I brought my hands to his face, cupping his cheeks with shaky hands, "It's okay, I'm okay" I reassured him as his eyes found mine again. Seeing his tear stained face broke me to pieces, more pieces than I was already in.

"It's not okay, Alex," his voice shook as he spoke. "I left you, I should have never left you," he lowered his head till his forehead rested on his hands that still held my knees. "I shouldn't have got so angry with you," he went on, "I know why you did it, I understand, and I'm so sorry."

"Noah," I moved one hand to brush through his hair in an effort to calm him. "What I did was inexcusable, you can't be mad at yourself for that." my other hand went to his back, my fingers rubbed circles into the back of his neck and between his shoulder blades. "I love you," the words came out quiet like a mouse.

"I love you so much, Alex, I can't lose you, not again." he kept his head in my lap as he spoke still. If there was a knife in my heart, he just twisted it.

"You're not going to lose me, Noah." I felt tears in my eyes now. "Never again." my throat tightened as I spoke, trying to keep the tears at bay. "You're never getting rid of me" I joked with a chuckle as I tugged on his hear forcing him to lift his head to look at me. he forced the smallest hint of a smile. "Will you shower with me?" I asked softly.

"Yeah," he nodded as he spoke before slowly standing up. He helped me to stand on weak legs before assisting me with removing my dress. "What happened?" his voice was monotone now.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I stepped halfway into the shower to turn the water on. I turned to look back at him, he was holding my dress with great inspection obvious on his face.

"Your dress is ripped, what happened?" he asked again as he lowered the dress onto the vanity. silence hung over us as I contemplated my choice of words. Here I am standing in front of the one person I can't lie to, holding in a truth that is sure to crush him. "Answer me." his voice is harsher now.

"I had an accident." I opened my mouth to speak again but he cut me off.

"What happened?"

"I-I," I stopped and sighed, "I got grabbed," holding his gaze hurt more than I ever thought it could, I watched his expression go from stern, to understanding, to stoic in a matter of seconds. he took two large steps to cross the bathroom and suddenly my feet were off the ground. I was in his arms, he used one arm to guide my legs around his waist as he stepped into the showers. He began muttering softly as he buried his face in my neck. It was "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again. I let him go on, knowing he needs to get the words out to feel better.

I hated seeing him like this, but sometimes there's nothing that can be done to comfort someone when the grief is so much. So I did what I could, I held him, ran my fingers through his hair, kissed him, told him it was okay, how much I love him, how none of it was his fault no matter how much he didn't believe me. It took awhile for him to let go, to set me down. He kissed me passionately, one of our more intimate kisses to date probably. It wasn't sexual intimacy, it was pure human intimacy, one that reassured us both that we'd be alright, that we'd get through this just like we've done before. It was the kind of intimacy that confirmed to us that maybe soulmates were real, and we must be each other's.

Noah took extra time and care with doing his favorite love language task. He bathed me like he worshipped me, he kissed me everywhere. He told me he loved me a hundred times. I couldn't help but relish in it. It felt like an honor, when he let me do the same for him. It felt sacred to kneel for him now; it was no longer a sexual form of submission we dabbled in, it was now, me saying I love him, I'd do anything for him. I washed his tattooed legs with care before peeling my eyes away to look up at him.

"You're so beautiful, you have no idea." he shook his head as if in disbelief. he held out his hands which I gladly accepted before gently standing back up. He move his hands from mine to my waist where his pulled me towards him. Skin to skin with another person never felt so comfortable, so complete. His lips pressed to my softly, yet still translated to much love it was like nothing I had ever felt before. Our lips moved together for the longest time, never once requesting or demanding entrance to the other's mouth, it wasn't needed, this was more than enough. He pulled back just enough to speak, his lips still moving against mine. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."