Twenty-Six

Kyungsoo

There was one positive thing that came from Kai leaving. I was beginning to look so depressed that my parents finally took notice of me. I didn't think it would be the best time to come out to them, so I didn't tell them what was going on. Still, they insisted if I wouldn't talk to them that I talk to someone. A few days later, I was at my first therapy appointment.

"How have you been feeling lately, Kyungsoo?" my therapist asked me as I kept my eyes on the ground. "Your mom and dad told me that you seem distant, depressed even. Is that you how feel?"

I scoffed. "Since when do they notice me?" I replied, my eyes still facing down.

"Is that what you want to talk about today? Your parents?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Then what should we talk about? We don't have to talk about anything serious yet. We can just spend some time getting to know each other if you prefer that instead." I exhaled but didn't answer, hoping she would take the hint. "How long has it been?" she asked, sending me into a state of confusion.

"How long has it been since what?" I questioned, finally making eye contact with her.

"Since this person left." I was still confused as to how she worked that out, but I answered anyway.

"Almost two months," I said. "But how'd you know that I was missing someone?"

"There are different types of depression," she began explaining calmly. "There's major, dysthymia, postpartum, atypical, bipolar, psychotic. There are numerous others, but the type I believe you have is situational depression."

"What's that?" I asked.

"To put it in simple terms, it's when life gets you down," he explained. "It happens to everyone on different scales. It can be anything that happens in life that makes you sad. Death of a loved one, disappointment, and in your case, being separated from someone very special to you." I sighed a little as I shifted in the chair so my legs crossed each other. "Your parents told me they work a lot, so you're usually alone, which tells me you don't mind it, being that you're used to it. So if your depression is related to be alone, I figured it had to because you got used to having someone around and then they left. Am I right?"

I began moving my leg up and down. "I know I shouldn't feel like this," I began, my eyes starting the process of forming tears. "He said he'd come back. He promised. But I just can't help but feel like he won't. Like he'll forget me or find someone else." 

"Have you tried contacting him?" 

"No. I don't know how to or even if I would have the courage to."

"Well then find out," she said. "You seem to be troubled by the lack knowledge and control you have, so in that case, I think it'd be better for you in the end if you got in touch with him. True, your worst fears may come true, but wouldn't you rather know it for sure than let the thought haunt you?" 

I thought about it for a while. She made a good point. If our relationship wasn't going to work, I didn't want to be left in the dark again. 

"I don't even know how find him," I said. "His parents won't ever look at me again, let alone tell me where he is or how I can contact him. That's the whole reason he transferred."

"Then we'll figure it out together," she said, leaning forward and laying her hand on top of mine. "You're not in this alone, okay?" I nodded with a sigh, managing to smile a little bit for the first time in weeks. 

Kai

Zelo, Taemin and I were watching a scary movie in their room one weekend. It was safe to say that they were my friends at this point, as I spent most of my time with them. They couldn't really compare to my friends back home, but I was thankful for them all the same. I would have definitely gone insane if they weren't around.

"Ew, that's disgusting," Taemin scowled, burying his head in my shoulder to hide his eyes.

"That's fucking awesome," Zelo said from the very end of the couch. We both looked at him as he stared at the screen, shoving a few more pieces of candy into his mouth. I laughed and shook my head. 

"I'm thirsty. You guys want anything?" I asked as I lifted myself from the couch.

"Not unless there's Vodka in there," Zelo said, making both me and Taemin laugh. 

"What about you, Tae? You want anything from the kitchen?" I asked.

"I'll go with you. I need to take a break from all the blood and guts," he said. I laughed again and nodded, heading over to the mini fridge near the door. I handed him another soda and then grabbed one for myself.

"Thanks," he said.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I said after I closed the door, causing him to stop in the middle of opening the can.

"Yeah, sure."

"How do you cope so well with Minho being gone?" He moved his eyes to the ceiling in thought as he sighed.

"I don't know really," he said. "I guess I just keep telling myself everything will work out the way it should in the end."

"But how do you know that he hasn't forgot about you?"

"Because, despite what others think of him, he's not the type to break his promises or say things and take them back later, you know?" he explained as I focused my attention on him. "My mom always said that love is patient, so it requires patience. If you are separated from the person you love, you have to believe that one day you will be with them again and just wait for the right time. If it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. It sounds bleak, but it's the reality of it sometimes." I moved my eyes to the floor as I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said with a dim smile.

"Kai, you'll see him again," he said. I looked at him, sadness evident in my eyes. "From the way you talk about him, it sounds like you really love him."

"I do," I said, the thought of him making me smile a little.

"Then it'll all work out because love is still a force to be reckoned with. I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm a hopeful romantic." I smiled and so did he.

I guess I had to be hopeful to, at least while I was still so powerless. We had come this far after all. Besides, I figured that if we could make it through this, we could make it through anything.

Kyungsoo

It took me quite some time to collect enough courage to write him. With a little investigation, I was able to find a private boarding school about two hours from me that was associated with the church Kai's parents went to. Now I just had to write the actual letter. 

I had the pencil and paper right in front of me, ready for use. I just couldn't figure out what to say. I didn't want to sound to depressed, even though I was, but I didn't want to seem perfectly fine either. I didn't want to sound too weak, but I didn't want to sound too strong at the same time. How do you tell someone you miss them like crazy without sounding desperate?

I finally forced myself to sit down and just do it. I had no other choice at this point. If I didn't, I'd eventually drive myself crazy with worry.

Upon sealing it securely in an envelope, I wrote the school's address on outside of the envelope and placed a stamp on it. I was scared to send it though. What if he didn't get it? What if he did get it and just didn't care? I wondered if he'd write me back or if he would just stuff it away somewhere in a drawer and let it collect dust. All these question ran through my mind as I stood in front of the mailbox.

But I had come this far, so I had to do it. I opened the thick, plastic tab, slipping the letter in there with extra care. After I shut my eyes tightly for a few seconds, hoping that it would find its way to him.