40 | ❝ HOW TO COMPLICATE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IN A SHORT TIME... ❞

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CHAPTER FORTY

❝ HOW TO COMPLICATE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IN A SHORT TIME... ❞

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TRIGGER WARNING!

This chapter contains an 18+ scene. Be warned. If you're uncomfortable, we recommend skipping to the next POV after this point.

[season 3, episode 5 + own storyline]

ROSIE POV

THE DAY OF THE ARBITRATION HEARING WAS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF HER LIFE. She just didn't know how bad it would be. That was the worst part.

"You look nice in your uniforms," Marrie said, eating pancakes Lissie had prepared. Her parents were getting ready to leave for the trial, where the entire team would be questioned. "I'd like one of those too."

A few days earlier, the girl had confessed to her parents that she wanted to follow in their professional footsteps. Rosie and Chim weren't entirely happy with their daughter's idea, as they knew the realities of the job, but they weren't bad parents to trample on her dreams. They only hoped that sooner or later their daughter would change her "career path." If that didn't happen, they planned to pass on all the knowledge they possessed.

"Thank you," Rosa replied. Despite her nerves, she tried to put on a good face for the bad performance.

"Me too," Chim laughed, kissing Marrie on the top of her head. "You have to listen to your aunt."

"We can do it. It's not the first time I've stayed with her."

Buckley also kissed her daughter and then said goodbye to her friend. She was grateful that she tried to occupy the little girl's time so that she would not feel the lack of contact with Buck.

Finally, they stepped out into the hallway.

"Are you stressed?" Chim asked her when they were far enough away that their little "rubber ear" couldn't hear. "I see you are..."

"I have to testify against my own brother, Chim!" "She called as they entered the empty elevator. — I guess it's normal to feel afraid.

Han didn't comment on this, but silently grabbed her hand to reassure her, for which she was grateful.

ROSIE WAS CALLED INTO THE ROOM FIRST, WHICH SURPRISED HER. She was sure Bobby would be the first to go, but it was her turn.

Everyone was already waiting inside, including her younger brother, whom she hadn't seen since their last meeting at the fire station. His expression said he was sorry, but she didn't believe it. If he hadn't meant to, he wouldn't have sued the department.

She sat down next to the lawyer representing the fire department. She tried to remain strong, but she felt as if she were falling apart inside.

"Firefighter Rosaline Buckley," the clerk recited.

She nodded to indicate that everything was in order. She placed her hands on the table, trying to mask their trembling.

Her brother's lawyer looked at her carefully, being quite measured but surprisingly polite, although to Rosie it was merely a smokescreen.

"Thank you for coming, Miss Buckley," the man said. "You've been at the 118th for what? Fourteen years?"

"That's right," she replied. "Of the current squad, I have the longest tenure at this station, along with my partner."

"You're talking about Firefighter Han, am I right?"

Rosie frowned.

"Who I meet off-duty is not the subject of this hearing. I know the law as well as you should, and the very fact that the parties' private affairs are being brought up here demonstrates a lack of professionalism."

"As far as I know, relationships in the same unit are not acceptable..."

Rosie slammed her fist on the table, trying to control herself.

"There are no complaints about our work. If there were, our superiors would have made this clear, but they haven't for many years, so let's move on to the actual reason we're gathered here."

The lawyer agreed to this request.

"Returning..." he replied, glancing briefly at his notes and then back at her. "In your many years of service, both in Los Angeles and Chicago, you served under several captains during numerous crises. Everyone around you considers you to be... How did my client put it, quoting his girlfriend? Ah yes! A woman of steel."

Rosie knew Lissie thought she was, even though she knew it wasn't entirely true. She felt like Lissie's monologue was leading to something specific, and that was what terrified her.

"But it's probably not what everyone around you thought... Is it true that you had mental health problems in your youth?" he asked. "Depression, suicide attempts..."

Rosa tried to be tough, but after what she heard... It terrified her.

Seeing her brother's reaction, he, too, was shocked by what the lawyer had said. After all, he had no idea about her ordeal. She knew Buck hadn't told him because he had no clue... The bastard had been rifling through her files, especially her medical records.

"Everyone has their own struggles," she said calmly. "But as I said, my life isn't the subject of this dissertation, it's my younger brother's."

"I'll get to all of that in a moment..." the man began. "Moving on... Your disappearance ten years ago..."

"I SAID IT WASN'T YOUR BUSINESS!" she snapped angrily, and the department's lawyer agreed.

She had no intention of letting him drag her own child into all this, and she had a feeling that was where he was headed.

"After all that, you returned to work without a problem... The icing on the cake, so to speak, is your injury from a few months ago. A blow to your spine caused a hematoma that pressed against your spinal cord. You could say you brushed against a wheelchair..."

Her heart began to pound because as soon as he mentioned it, an image of Austin leaning over her, then over Lissie, flashed before her eyes. She felt as if every beat he gave her was new.

"I saved my friend who was kidnapped by a degenerate," she said, then looked at her brother. "If necessary, I would do it every time to save her."

"Your friend is Captain Nash's daughter, Melissa," the lawyer replied. "Is that why he let you go back to work? Out of gratitude?"

"You lie like a dog!" she snapped, rising from her chair. "Captain Nash treats each of us equally. Even after returning to the unit, I wasn't taken on any missions for several weeks..."

"But after such a serious injury, which could have resulted in disability..."

"I FOUGHT FOR ALMOST HALF A YEAR TO GO BACK TO WORK!" She raised her voice, but tried to control herself. "I did it smartly, compared to my brother, who didn't listen to anyone in his family!"

"That doesn't change the fact that compared to your brother..."

"If he'd thought for a second that he had a life outside of the guard..." she began, then looked Buck straight in the eye. "That he has two older sisters who love him terribly, nephew and niece who miss their favorite uncle, a super-awesome girlfriend who's got his back... Not to mention the entire group of friends who did everything they could to help this idiot stand on his own. If he'd thought about all the people I know he loves dearly, we wouldn't be here, and my family wouldn't be falling apart because of his stupid decisions."

With those words, she left the room, despite Buck's attempts to stop her. She ran forward, oblivious to everything around her.

She felt like everything she had held inside for years, especially the fact that Austin had beaten her so badly... She knew that inside, she was breaking into a billion pieces.

LISSIE POV

LUNCH WITH MADDIE AND JOSH WAS SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT HER FROM THE 118TH ARBITRATION HEARINGS. She knew her father was nervous about it because he'd never been in a situation like this before. And he still insisted that Buck wasn't ready to come back yet. She was also worried about Rosie, because she was going to have to face her brother, who was definitely going crazy.

Lissie herself felt... cheated.

She wanted to explain the whole situation with Buck because she couldn't bear the thought of him not telling her sooner. She was starting to think that everything that had gone on between them had meant nothing, at least not to him. If it had, he would have somehow warned her, but now she couldn't even call him to tell him that he'd pissed her off with this whole thing, that she'd naively trusted him, and he'd taken advantage of her.

"Someone's lost in thought here." Josh nudged her with his shoulder and looked at her with concern. "You're pretty quiet today."

Lissie sighed heavily.

"Sorry," she said, placing her glass of iced tea on the table. "I was lost in thought."

"I think I know what you're talking about," Maddie smiled sadly at her. If she felt torn between trying to understand Buck as he fought to get back to work and hurting everyone around him, the eldest Buckley was in an even worse situation. "I couldn't sleep last night because of what Buck had come up with."

"You know, I partially understand his desire to return to work. It's clear that the fire department is his life, and honestly, I don't know many people who would find a job they care about so much."

"That's how I explained it to myself," Lissie muttered, looking out the restaurant window for a moment. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling a wave of tears coming on, tears she'd already shed several times out of helplessness. She took a deep breath and looked at them again. "Later, I decided he was completely crazy. He was so mad at Rosie for going back to work, but she focused on getting better first, and only then on returning to the fire department. He was fixated on one thing at all costs. We told him to slow down, but he didn't!"

Lissie slammed her fist on the table, furious again at her boyfriend's stupidity... She didn't even know if they were still together. If they were, going back to the way things were wouldn't be so easy. If not, well... This relationship would end before it even began.

"Hey," Maddie said, reaching for her hand and squeezing it gently. "I know Evan made a mistake with the lawsuit, but I also know perfectly well he didn't mean to hurt you in any way. I'm sure all is not lost between you two... He cares about you, I know that."

"Thank you, Maddie," she smiled briefly, "but I still find it hard to believe. I'm starting to think that what happened between us was just the adrenaline rush from the tsunami and..." she sighed softly, lowering her head. "It meant nothing to him."

"Now you're the one talking nonsense," Josh replied with complete confidence. "I don't know Buck as you do, but damn, girl, when that boy looks at you, he doesn't see anyone else. His eyes light up, and believe me, Liss, I'm telling you. Being gay, I have a better sixth sense about love."

Lissie snorted briefly, brightening up a bit.

"Since you have such great sense, maybe you'd better tell me what's going on between you and Ian?"

Josh blushed immediately, and his hand with the cup wavered on the saucer.

"What's that supposed to be?"

"We're the ones who lie, but not us," Maddie interjected with a smile. "You've been falling for each other. From the moment you met."

"I know Ian liked to... experiment," Lissie began, trying to put a mild spin on her friend's adventurous sexual life.

"You mean to tell me he screwed everything that moved?" Josh filled in for her, raising an eyebrow. "I know that. He told me."

Lissie was shocked.

"This is something new. Ian is maturing and no longer a child. I wouldn't expect him to admit it."

"So let's just say I live by the belief that whatever will be, will be. Two gay men can also be friends."

"Nobody's saying no," Lissie replied. Not wanting to prolong this topic, which Josh was clearly uncomfortable with, she decided to finally do what she'd been meeting with them for in the first place. "Listen, I have something to tell you. About my return to work."

"Please tell me you've finally decided to do this," Josh said hopefully. "I miss our trio in dispatch."

"Actually... I'm not going back."

"What?"

Maddie and Josh spoke simultaneously.

"I've decided to try the Fire Department again. I even had a talk with the Chief, and if everything goes well, I'll get a spot at the Academy in two weeks to re-train. Fast-track it, since I've already worked for the Fire Department."

Maddie and Josh didn't respond immediately, just stared at her in shock. She wasn't surprised at all, as she still couldn't believe the commander had decided to help her out a bit and find a date for her to join the training. It felt like a dream.

"On the one side, I want to be mad at you," Josh finally said. "But on the other side, I understand that you want to go back to what you were doing before."

"We will support you and keep our fingers crossed for you to succeed," Maddie added.

"She'll definitely crush all the newbies. If she acts the same way she did in the control room, everyone else will learn from her."

Lissie smiled because she was afraid of how the two would react to her decision.

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a call from Rosie. Lissie excused herself and answered, knowing she must have already finished her arbitration hearing.

"Have I reached the emergency services?" Rosie said on the other end.

And Lissie knew something was wrong.

"What's going on?" she asked immediately, feeling an unpleasant knot tighten in her stomach. "Little Flower?"

"I think I need help."

Lissie didn't need much; she just started gathering her things. Rosie sounded drunk, which meant this whole interview couldn't have gone well. She shouldn't have been surprised after Suzanna's account of the lawyer, but he must have done something to get Rosie in this state.

Or Buck.

She sincerely hoped it was the lawyer's fault, not Buck's. Even though he, too, was partly to blame.

"Where are you?"

"At the apartment," Rosie hiccupped into the phone. "I drink. And I cry. Alternately. Depending on the moment."

"I'm on my way to your place," she said immediately. She told Maddie and Josh that she'd explain everything later and refund the money for her order. "Talk to me, Rosie. Don't hang up."

"I have a jerk, not a brother," she muttered quietly. "It happened. Maybe it would be better if I died..."

Lissie felt as if her heart had stopped.

She had to get to Rosie as soon as possible.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER, SHE ENTERED CHIM AND ROSIE'S APARTMENT. She'd contacted Han earlier because she felt no one knew where Rosie was. She let him know she was on her way over and to give her some time to talk, and to pick up Marrie for her. He was clearly concerned, but he couldn't tell her what had happened at Rosie's hearing because when he came out of his apartment, she was already gone. He only told her that Buck's lawyer had been ruthless.

At first, it seemed like no one was in the apartment. Only later did she notice Rosie, sitting on the floor behind the couch. She had her head resting on the seat, a whiskey bottle beside her, her hand resting on it.

"Rosie?" she said gently, not wanting to scare her.

Buckley looked up at her and immediately saw tears in her eyes. Lissie dropped her backpack on the floor and sat down next to her, taking her in her arms. She knew that if Rosie calmed down, she would start telling her what was troubling her.

And she wasn't wrong, because Rosie soon began to speak incoherently, but the general gist was that Buck had told the lawyer everything that had happened in their lives—not just in the past year, but even years before. With each passing moment, Lissa grew increasingly angry at Buck.

"My own brother," Rosie sighed sadly. "I'd expect a blow like that from anyone, but not from him... I thought we had each other's backs, but he took advantage of everything that was happening in my life."

"And he had no right to do that. Everything that the lawyer said isn't true... You fought to get to where you are now, but you did it wisely. Not at any cost."

"So what if apparently the others think Bobby brought me back to active duty because he feels guilty about saving you..."

"That's not true, you hear?" Lissie forced her to look at her. "That has nothing to do with it. Remember what Suzanna said about that lawyer? That he'll stop at nothing, and that's his dirty tricks. Buck told him about it because he's naive, and he took advantage of it, but he wrongly thinks everyone gets special treatment in the 118th except Buck. Evan's an idiot."

Rosie snorted briefly, and Lissie bit back a smile as she saw she'd managed to momentarily amuse her. Her anger at the youngest Buckley, however, didn't subside—in fact, it only intensified. She was certain that if she saw him now, she'd tear him to pieces.

"Thanks, Liss, but apparently that's how he sees it." The woman pushed the bottle of alcohol away from her, then straightened her legs and placed her hands on her knees. "The worst part is that I thought I was on the mend. Therapy with Jonathan helped me, and I felt like I was slowly coming to terms with my childhood, my trials, and what happened with that son of a bitch... I was wrong. I'm so damaged, I can't get over it. I can't be happy, and my loved ones are only suffering because of me."

"That's not true," Lissie shook her head, intertwining her fingers with Rosie's. "Recovering from trauma is a long process. I know what I'm talking about..."

"In my case, it doesn't seem to make any sense anymore."

Rosie sniffed.

"You know what Jonathan told me after I took my medication?" Lissie began calmly, and Rosie gave her a look that was already a success. "That's when we try to heal, sooner or later, we fall. We lose all our previous success, and we regress to what we were before. Only to rise from it with new strength and perspective. Just because it feels like it's over for you now doesn't mean it is. You have me, Marrie, and Chim. Maddie, Seth, and all 118th. We love you, Little Flower."

"It's a pity the same can't be said about my brother."

Lissie just sighed silently.

"I can't answer for him, but I know what might cheer you up."

"Nothing can do that..." Rosie said seriously.

"Even the fact that I spoke to the Chief?" This definitely piqued Rosie's interest, as she immediately looked at her with a slightly more focused expression. "He agreed to let me return to the Fire Department if I passed the accelerated training and the final exam again."

"Really?" Rosie visibly brightened, if only for a moment. "Will you be working at 118th with us?"

"You know it's not a sure thing..."

"It is," Rosie interrupted firmly. "Bobby will do anything to get you on our team. You should know that by now."

IN THE AFTERNOON, ROSIE FELL ASLEEP, AND LISSIE WAITED FOR CHIM AND MARRIE TO ARRIVE. Rosie immediately went to her mother's room to lie down next to her and support her, and Lissie approached Han with utter determination in her eyes.

"Lend me your car keys," she said, holding out her hand to him. "I need to take care of something quickly."

"I want to know what?"

Chim handed her the keys, but did so relatively hesitantly.

"Probably not."

"Is what you want to do legal?" Lissie tilts her head to the side, considering for a moment. "I have a feeling it isn't."

"If you find out someone strangled Evan, you'll know to provide me with an alibi."

Chim looked at her in shock.

"Are you going to see him? What the hell for?"

"To tell him what I think about what he's doing."

"You were also forbidden to contact him..."

"And?" Lissie twisted the keys around her fingers and seemed unfazed by the prohibition. "Do you see that bothering me in any way?"

"No..." he said uncertainly. "Honestly, I'm starting to be afraid of you, and I'm glad it's not my fault."

Lissie propped her hand on her hip and looked at him, almost appraisingly, and above all, suspiciously.

"That remains to be seen." She reached for her backpack and slung it over her shoulders. "Keep an eye on the girls."

"You speak as if I never had..."

Nash extended her hand and pointed with two fingers first at her eyes and then at him, showing that she was observing him.

TO SAY LISSIE WAS FURY WAS AN UNDERSTANDING. She resisted showing it around Rosie, but the truth was, she wanted to hit something—or rather, someone, and someone specific. As soon as she heard what Buck and his lawyer had said about the entire 118th... She didn't even know what to think. All the emotions tied to the lawsuit began to boil over within her—how he'd treated her father, Rosie, and most of all, herself. She tried to understand him; she'd been in a similar situation herself, wanting to go back to work, but he'd done it at all costs, over dead bodies. Evan didn't care what this might do to his relationship with the others, with his siblings, and... with her.

She felt betrayed. And she didn't care whether she should get closer to Buck or not. He hadn't had the courage to talk to her before this happened, so now he would listen to everything she had to say.

She knocked on his apartment door and, while waiting, leaned her hand against the doorframe. The first time, no one answered. Then she knocked a second time, more forcefully and nervously. She wanted to shout through the door to him, because she knew exactly where he was. There was no one he could meet right now.

Finally, after the third time she knocked, the door opened. Buck stood there in a plain T-shirt and sweatpants. She resisted the urge to stare at his flexing muscles and tattoos, his boyish, charming, slightly bewildered look. A smile lurked on his face, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"Liss..."

"We need to talk," she said firmly, surprising them both by pushing him aside to make way. Buck closed the door behind her, then turned to her.

"You shouldn't come here... We can't contact each other."

"I don't care!" she snapped, throwing her backpack onto a chair at the table. "How could you do that?"

"I just want to get back to work," he replied, as if he didn't think she knew exactly what had happened. But her attitude convinced him with each passing moment that it was completely different, and her reaction only made him feel more guilty. "I thought you'd understand completely..."

"I understand?!" she repeated after him in shock. "I understand wanting to get back to doing what you love, but you do it at all costs, and you don't consider that by doing so, you're hurting others who have always supported you when you needed it."

"I have to get back to the Fire Department, Lissie. Without her, I have nothing. I'm worthless."

"Work isn't everything you've got. Have you ever wondered how Marrie feels when she can't talk to her uncle? Or how Rosie will feel when you bring up her past problems that have nothing to do with your suspension?"

"I didn't intend to use it against Rosie. I only told my lawyer about it to be honest with him. I didn't know he would use it."

"Congratulations, really," she clapped ironically. "If you're fighting for your job, you could lose everyone who cares about you. Including me."

Lissie reached back for her backpack, figuring she had nothing more to say. She started to leave, but then Buck spoke, stopping her in her tracks.

"Of course. As always, you side with everyone but not me."

"Excuse me?"

She turned on him, furious. It wasn't that she was angry with him anymore. Now she was simply angry that he was talking nonsense. Lately, she'd been the only one who stood behind him and tried to understand. She didn't tell him he was overreacting, but she actually supported him.

And he..? How dare he!

"Rosie is your friend, but you only see one side of this," he pointed out. "From the moment you came to me, you haven't given me a moment to explain my point of view."

"Because I understand your point, Evan! But what you're doing is wrong, and when you realize it, it might be too late. Rosie is your sister, and you've hurt her completely. You've hurt my father, who treats you like his own son. You've hurt me!" She shouted directly into his face, the very thing that hurt her so much. "You promised you wouldn't do it, and it happened less than a week later!" She punched him in the chest, slowly losing all control. "Tell me, did you have a great time watching me fall in love with you?!"

"What?" He shook his head. "I didn't do anything for fun... I love..."

"Don't you dare say that if you don't mean it," she interrupted him quickly, punching him again, this time on the shoulder. Buck took a step back, surprised by her unexpected force.

"Do you really think I would say something like that to you just for fun?" He started to defend himself, but at the same time, something in his voice changed, as if her words had touched him.

"You tell me!" She took a step toward him, closing the distance between them. "Did you really mean it? That it wasn't just adrenaline after what we'd been through..."

Buck stepped forward to meet her. He stopped just in front of her, and she had to tilt her head up to meet his gaze. Normally, it didn't bother her that he was significantly taller than she, but now it was quite the opposite.

"Never," he replied honestly, and with a decidedly calmer tone. "I want to be with you, and I want my job back. Of all the people I'm close to..." Buck placed his hand on her shoulder, and she didn't shake his touch. He was one of the few people whose touch didn't bring back any bad memories. "I don't want you to be mad at me."

"It's a bit late for that... Why didn't you talk to me about it?"

"Because I know what you would tell me."

"And I'd be right, because this whole lawsuit you came up with"—she jabbed him with her finger—"is a ridiculous idea. I know that when you told your lawyer everything, you did it because you generally trust people. If you'd known it would be used, you wouldn't have said a word, but your actions hurt everyone. Rosie completely broke down... And for that alone, I want to strangle you right now."

"How can I fix this?"

"Evan, I won't tell you what to do, because as you can see, you don't listen to anyone anyway."

"Now you're being unfair..."

"I'm just telling you how it is. If you want to fix anything, you have to figure it out yourself."

She wanted to pull away from him and walk away, but she couldn't. He didn't even hold her tightly, nor did he try to hold her back. He simply stood there, staring into her eyes, and she saw him analyzing every word. She had no idea what conclusion he'd reached—perhaps she didn't even want to know. She only knew that when he moved even closer, somewhat tentatively, waiting for her reaction, she didn't move away. She also didn't say a word about the proximity bothering her, because the truth was, she'd have to lie. From the very beginning, Buck had been one of those people she'd felt safe with, even when she was battling her own demons and no one knew what she'd been through.

She wanted to say she didn't know what had led to this moment, but that would be foolish. From the very beginning, she'd felt—or perhaps her subconscious had known—exactly what would happen the moment she arrived at Buck's that evening. The suppressed emotions and longing, the adrenaline of the argument, were the perfect trigger. Nothing held her—them—back.

As he placed his hands on her hips and she on his chest, their mouths met in a shared kiss. Buck deliberately leaned over her, pressing himself harder against her. The kiss awakened something within them.

It was wild, hot, as if that single gesture would determine whether they would ever be able to breathe normally again. Buck pressed her against the wall beside the stairs, and his hands traveled to her jacket, almost ripping it off. Lissie moaned into his mouth, and the sound made them break apart for a brief moment. They stared into each other's eyes, as if searching for an answer to an unasked question—were they really sure? Each had different fears, but the desire was the same—they wanted this.

They have wanted this for a long time.

Lissie pulled his shirt up, then tugged at the fabric at the back to quickly shed the excess clothing. She'd seen him half-dressed earlier, but only now could she feel free to touch him, run her nails along his ribs, trace every tattoo he hid. But now wasn't the time to focus on that. Their desire was stronger, and if she ever had the opportunity again, she promised herself she'd devote significantly more time to appreciating every inch of his body.

Buck untied the belt of her dress, but noticing the number of buttons separating him from her body, he quickly stopped and pushed the fabric up to her stomach, finally feeling her skin beneath his fingers. He touched it carefully, examining it, as if studying the most complex map. There was no space between them. They had never been this close—physically and emotionally—before. Yet, it still wasn't enough.

And this time, even her body couldn't resist the touch.

"Don't stop," she whispered as she felt him kiss her neck. She slid one hand through his hair and the other into his pants, finding his crotch. "I want this."

"No..." Buck shook his head, stepping away from her for a moment, as if coming to his senses. "Don't do something on the spur of the moment... You're mad at me. And I don't want..."

"I don't care what you want, Evan." She tugged at the ends of his hair so they could look into each other's eyes. Buck stopped all his movements because he would never force something on her that she didn't want, even if he himself was dying to do it. "I want you, Buck, and I need you."

"I beg you, tell me to stop," he whispered to her, almost pleadingly.

Lissie looked at him, offended, letting go of his hair.

"You don't like me?" she asked painfully. "You don't want to take me to bed and fuck me?"

Buck stared at her in shock, then his gaze softened. He placed his hand gently on her cheek, and she thought it made absolutely no sense. Just moments earlier, they had been kissing passionately, and now he treated her as if she were about to fall apart. She didn't want that. Not now.

"I really like you, but I told you sex isn't everything..."

"I don't believe you... I know how you treated your previous girlfriends."

Buck sighed heavily and tilted his head forward.

"You're not like them."

"So I'm worse? Is that it? You don't want to sleep with someone who's already been..."

"No," he interrupted her quickly. "Don't finish that, because it's not true. It doesn't change anything for me, but I want to know that you're—"

"Ready?" She finished for him.

There was a brief moment of hesitation. For a moment, she thought they shouldn't be doing this, that she wasn't ready for this yet... But then all rational thought vanished, leaving her with only the knowledge that if she didn't feel him, if Buck didn't make her come with his name on her lips, she would burn alive.

"Do you think I'd let you touch me like that if I weren't?" She reached for his hand and placed it between her legs. The touch alone sent a wave of heat through her body.

"Lissie, please..."

Whatever he wanted to say, it didn't matter at all because she silenced him with a single kiss that made him completely let go. After all, he was just a guy completely crazy about his girlfriend.

He resumed his work, pushing aside the fabric of her underwear to reach the sensitive spot between her legs. She gasped as she felt him massage her, touch her, forming little figure eights, and then slowly inserting a single finger inside her. It was a new feeling, yet one she'd known before, a feeling she'd lost in the recesses of her mind. Even though their movements were hurried and their kisses were tense, Buck was devoting every second to preparing her, and she wasn't sure if she should be grateful or not. She knew that first-time sex after so long might be painful, but for a brief moment, that didn't matter. Except for finally feeling him inside her.

Buck grabbed her around the waist, then pulled her down, and she noticed he had placed her on the steps. She was surprised, but she didn't argue and simply opened her legs for him.

"It'll be better for you this way," he said, kissing her face. His fingers returned to her hot core, and she pushed her hips forward to meet them. "I won't hurt you, Lis. Never."

"I know," she replied, gasping for breath. "I believe you."

He smiled directly against her lips, then kissed her again. She reached for his pants again, to at least try to return the favor and help him prepare, but when she took him in her hand, she felt he needed no help—he was hard and ready. And incredibly sensitive, because as soon as she touched him, he let out a long moan and immediately pulled her hand away as if burned.

"If you start touching me now, I'll finish before I even start, and I don't want that."

He kissed her jaw.

"So don't hesitate," she replied cheekily. "I'm ready. You made sure of that. Nothing will happen to me."

Buck wasn't convinced at first. Doubt returned to him for a brief moment, but when he looked at her for any sign that she had changed her mind, he couldn't see anything.

"Tell me again you want this..." he asked one last time. If she changed her mind now, he wouldn't hold it against her. "I just want it to be special for you."

"I want this," she assured him again.

Apparently, his need had finally become too much for her to handle. He rested his forehead against hers, then slowly began to thrust into her, and when he did, she opened her mouth wide. Filled, yet shocked by the feeling of being so completely filled, he was practically made for her—they were made for each other. They fit perfectly. If she felt any pain, it was quickly forgotten as she wrapped her legs around his hips, practically trapping him.

Even if it was just to release his negative emotions, Buck tried to be careful and not rush his movements. This was especially difficult for him, because he'd craved this from the moment he realized he couldn't live without her. He wanted to be as close to her as possible, and the way she squeezed so tightly and sweetly around him made him feel like his heart was about to stop with emotion. He wanted to give her the ultimate pleasure, to explore her body and the sounds she made when he found her sweetest spot, but when she lay before him—when she met his movements—he couldn't help himself. He sped up, sensing that not only was he on the edge, but she was also approaching her limit.

"I want us to come together," he rasped, and she moaned loudly at the thought of their shared sensation. She tilted her head back, and Buck immediately took advantage of this, kissing her neck.

He returned his fingers to her clit, and that, combined with his movements, made her whole body tremble. With each thrust, she let out a silent scream that somehow folded into his name. She dug her fingers into the skin of his back, unable to control how hard she did it.

"Don't finish inside me," she reminded him, and he admired her for still thinking for both of them in such a state. He couldn't let this moment of weakness between them bring her another trauma. He wanted her to remember it as something good and happy, even if it was brought on by anger.

They both needed each other like oxygen. They realized this when Lissie screamed loudly as she came, and at the same time, he pulled out of her with difficulty, drenching her thighs with his own sperm.

They were breathing heavily and labored, trying to steady their racing hearts. Lissie allowed herself to embrace him, burying her face in the crook of his neck. Buck didn't press the issue and simply wanted to show her that he was always with her. He placed his hand on her head and kissed her hair, giving her time to react.

The adrenaline slowly ebbed, and then Lissie realized what had truly happened. And she wanted to curse herself, and especially Buckley, because...

He was damn right.

It was hard to tell how much time had passed when Lissie finally pulled away from him enough for them to look each other in the eye. Buck was a little afraid of it, because he didn't want to see the regret in her eyes.

"It's okay," she assured him quietly, but he wasn't sure if she was just saying it to reassure him. Somehow, she must have seen the concern for her in his eyes, which didn't surprise him at all. Lissie smiled briefly, but as quickly as it appeared, it vanished even faster. "I'm fine."

Buck nodded, though that didn't calm him down at all.

"I'll get you something to drink," he offered, and before she could stop him, he rose. He adjusted his pants, and she watched him move around the kitchen. Realizing her dress was still hiked up, she pushed it back down.

She'd just had sex with Buck. And she had no idea what to think; her heart was racing. She had many doubts, and one—the one that told her she'd done it too soon—was by far the loudest. The only thing she was somewhat certain of was that she didn't regret it. She cared about him, and... She'd often thought about a scene like this. And Buck... had been as gentle with her as he could be in such a situation.

When he returned to her, he was decidedly unsure. For a moment, she thought he might have begun to regret the whole thing and now didn't know what to say to her without hurting her. So he tried to pull away, leaving her alone on the stairs to recover. But when he reached her, he held more than just a glass of water, which he placed beside her. First, he handed her his sweatshirt with the fire department logo, and then a wet towel.

"You want me to—?" Buck stopped mid-question, merely pointing at her legs. When she looked back at the same spot, she saw white stains of his semen, and when she looked back up at him, she was sure her cheeks were flushed red.

She didn't understand what was making her suddenly feel completely embarrassed. After all, he'd just seen her half-naked, and what's more, he'd been inside her, giving her the best orgasm of her life.

"Could you..." She cleared her throat quietly and looked at the floor, unable to look at him. "Could you turn around, please?"

Buck nodded wordlessly, and she quickly brushed away the remnants of their lifting. She set the towel aside and then pulled on the sweatshirt they'd lent her. Once it was on, she pressed her nose to the collar and inhaled immediately, inhaling his distinctive scent, mingled with the perfume he wore and the fabric softener. She sighed softly and closed her eyes, then pulled her knees up and pulled the sweatshirt over them as well. It was big enough for her to do so easily. Only then did she signal him to turn around.

Buck did so slowly and sat down next to her on the step above, giving her some space. The silence that fell between them wasn't awkward, but it was definitely heavy. As if they both wanted to let out what they were feeling, but were also afraid to.

"I don't regret it," she finally gathered her courage and said quietly. At first, Buck felt as if he hadn't heard her clearly. His blood pounded in his ears as he replayed each word, and when he realized how they were beginning to make sense, he turned slightly toward her, but said nothing. He wanted to, but he felt he couldn't rush her, and that wasn't all. "It's just..." Her voice trailed off for a moment. "I feel like..." She sighed heavily and buried her face in her hands. "I don't know what I really feel, but I think it was too soon for me... You can say 'I told you so.' "

Buck sighed heavily.

"I have no intention of doing that... Why didn't you tell me? I would never do anything you didn't want me to..."

The pain in his voice was immediately audible. She didn't want him to feel guilty about her because the problem wasn't him; it was her. She quickly turned to him and grabbed his wrist, longing to feel even the slightest touch from him again.

"I thought I was ready... I'm sorry..."

Buck shook his head and linked their fingers together, opting for just that gentle gesture.

"Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for... I should have stopped myself and checked if this was really what you wanted... I was selfish because..." He looked into her eyes, and she saw only pure sincerity in them. "I've wanted this for a long time, but only if you're ready." Buck ran his free hand through his hair, and she immediately saw guilt in his eyes. "I would never... Without your consent... You need to know that..."

His tongue was getting tangled, and she put her fingers to his lips, understanding exactly what he wanted to tell her.

"I know," she smiled briefly at him. "You didn't do anything wrong. I wanted you, and I still do..." His eyes lit up, and she felt a warmth flow through her body. She'd known long ago that she was lost because she'd fallen in love with him. "I feel like I'm slowly getting myself back, but not yet as much as I'd like. I need more time..."

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I hate that you're suffering because of me..."

"You didn't hurt me, honey." She didn't know what had possessed her to address him that way, but she didn't regret it, especially when Buck's gaze never left hers, and she could see every emotion flickering through his eyes. She leaned her elbow on his shoulder, threaded her fingers through his hair, and pressed their foreheads together. "Quite the opposite."

"I want you to know it wasn't a coincidence. I love you, Liss," he said softly, but she heard him translate all the emotions he felt for her into those three words. Her heart raced, and tears welled in her eyes. In her wildest dreams, she'd never thought she'd ever feel anything like this, if only because she didn't think she deserved it. Yet she couldn't stop her heart from feeling what it felt.

She was afraid of it, and at the same time, she wanted to surrender completely to this feeling.

"Stay with me tonight," he asked quietly. He placed his hand on her neck, slid his fingers to the back of her head, and began to gently massage it. "I don't want you to go and be alone now."

"Okay," she nodded. "I'll stay."

"I don't expect anything," he assured her immediately. "I just want to spend the night with you, even if I have to sleep on the couch."

BUCK POV

HE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. Lissie had come to him and stayed with him all night. He hadn't expected her to agree after what had happened, but he was glad she hadn't. If she had been completely offended, he probably wouldn't have been able to handle it. Anyone could have been angry with him and felt like they'd been cheated on, but with Lissie...

That would have completely devastated him, even if he knew she would be angry with him.

And he wasn't wrong, but when she came, and then when she let him touch her, and finally when she agreed to stay with him for nothing, he felt hope.

He didn't remember much of what happened that night. He clearly saw them both tucking themselves into his bed, though he'd tried to give her space and offered to sleep on the couch. Eventually, they ended up lying face to face on his bed—Lissie was still wearing his sweatshirt, and somewhere along the way, he'd found her an old pair of sweatpants that were too small for him, but he hadn't had time to return them to the store yet. They might as well have found a new owner.

They didn't talk because they didn't need to. Lissie smiled at him gently, then snuggled up to him, and they fell asleep.

So when he woke up, he could still smell the unmistakable scent of her perfume. It was almost as if she were still with him, but he felt no added weight, and the space on the bed next to him was empty.

Buck sat up and ran his hand over his face, trying to wake himself up.

"Liss?" he called, expecting her to have simply gotten up and gone to make her favorite tea, which he always kept out in the kitchen so she wouldn't have to search for it. Along with the Stitch mug he'd bought at the supermarket one day just for her.

But silence answered him.

He didn't care that much because she might not have heard him clearly, or she might have gone to the bakery downstairs, because he knew she loved buying fruit rolls there.

Buck went downstairs, running his hand through his hair, and as he glanced around the kitchen, something didn't seem right. The sweatpants Lissie had slept in were perfectly folded on the table, and next to them was a white piece of paper with his name written on it. He recognized Lissie's handwriting immediately.

I didn't want to wake you up, but I had to take care of something.

I'll call you later. - L.

He reread the message she left him several times, and for a moment, he felt something was off. It felt like he was going back in time, back when that recording had surfaced, and she had been avoiding him at all costs.

"Lissie, please, not again..." he sighed heavily, then reached for his phone.

On the first ring, he hoped she would answer. On the second, he grew impatient. After the third, he hung up and then called again, but the same thing happened again.

Buck decided to write to her. He didn't expect much—just enough to know she was okay, wherever she went.

Lissie, just let me know everything's okay.

However, as with his calls, he received no response. Moreover, when he tried to contact her again, he only received a reply that his subscription was out of range, meaning she had turned off her phone.

"Damn..."

Buck began pacing nervously around the room, wondering who might know where Lissie was now. Rosie and Bobby were the first people that came to mind, but he knew he couldn't contact them because they wouldn't answer his calls once they saw his name on the phone.

He knew this scenario before. Lissie ignored him when things got serious, and she had to confront him, just like she had after that video... She ran away from him when she started to fear what might happen next. He was helpless because he thought she finally trusted him enough to tell him if something was wrong...

When he heard his phone ring, he immediately reached for it without even looking at the screen.

"Liss?" he said hopefully.

It wasn't his girlfriend, and on the other end came the cold, mean voice of a lawyer.

Buck had had enough. He knew what he had done was wrong and had to end it.

He had to fix this, and most importantly, talk to Lissie.

THE LAWYER LOOKED EXTREMELY PLEASED. When Buck entered his office, he was hanging up the phone. He greeted him and then handed him a piece of paper with various numbers on it.

"I have some very big, very good news for you," the man said, pointing to the piece of paper Buckley was holding. "This is the city's offer," he announced, pleased. "They want a settlement. It's a starting amount, but we can negotiate. You'll be a billionaire, and you won't have to work anymore."

"Excuse me?" Buck didn't quite understand what he meant. "What does that mean?"

"Did I make a mistake somewhere?" The lawyer reached back for the paper, checking it over, then looked back at Buck. "No. Everything's correct. That's exactly what they're offering."

"Nothing more?"

"They're offering you millions..."

"I don't want money, I want to get back to work," Buck said firmly, stepping closer to the desk. He pointed at his lawyer, whose attitude was starting to irritate him. "That was our goal. I didn't do all this to get money, but to get back to doing what I love. To be with my team."

The man only laughed briefly.

"You don't really think they'll welcome you with open arms, do you? Especially after I questioned them all..."

"I told you about it not for you to take advantage of it."

During the hearings, he himself was surprised that this was used, because he didn't want any of this. What his friends and family had done previously had nothing to do with his returning to work. He trusted this lawyer to be honest with him—he'd just seen how much it benefited him.

"I don't think you fully understand all this, but actually, I did what you asked me to do... We won. Now you can take your money and forget about being in the Fire Department and about your mentally unstable sister. You'll easily find yourself a new girl who you'll have much more fun with than with that cowardly prude."

Something had changed in Buck's attitude. Before, he was just angry, but now...

Now he was furious.

He was out of control, and the trigger was what he heard about Rosie and Lissie.

No one had the right to speak about them like that in his presence.

Buck didn't know exactly how it happened, but one moment he was glaring at the lawyer with pure hatred, and the next he clenched his fist and punched him in the nose as hard as he could. He heard a crunch, but for now, he didn't care if he'd broken any bones. The lawyer clutched his nose in pain and fell backward into his chair.

"Don't ever talk about them like that, especially not my beloved," Buck said, wagging his finger at him. He reached for the slip of paper with the city money on it, then tore it into several pieces. "I don't care about money, especially money that would cost me my relationships with my loved ones."

A CALL FROM IAN WAS THE LAST THING HE EXPECTED. He and Garcia had become friends, but they hadn't had the opportunity to work together until now. And that was partly why Ian wasn't called in for questioning.

"Ian?" he said heavily, sitting on the couch in his apartment. Garcia had been the only person to call him on his own in recent days. "Did something happen? Something with Lissie?"

"Kudos to you for asking about my hermana right away," he said on the other end. "And for your information, she's fine."

Buck breathed a sigh of relief. At least that much.

"Do you know where she is?" Buck asked hopefully. He didn't expect to get an answer from him, because if he was right, Lissie had either gone to Rosie or to him.

"I know where he will be in an hour."

Buck straightened up on his couch.

"What?"

"Buckley, can you use your brain for just a second?" Ian snorted, and Buck was pretty sure he rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I'm even doing this, but I can see my friend falling apart before my eyes, something she's never done for something as trivial as a fight with a guy, so get off your ass and come over here and talk to her."

"Why are you doing this? After how I treated you all..."

"I'm surprised too, believe me. And I'm not doing this for you," Ian clarified. "But for my sister, who's crazy about you."

"Thanks." Buck was already getting up from the couch and heading towards the exit. "I'll repay you any way you want. Just say the word."

"Yes, yes, I'll remember that and use it when you least expect it."

His heart raced all the way to Garcia's apartment, then even faster when he knocked and waited for someone to open the door. He didn't have to wait long because Ian appeared a few moments later in shorts and a black tank top. He didn't let him in immediately, but stepped out into the hallway, closed the door behind him, and gently pushed him backward.

"Before I let you in, you're going to hear me out," he said firmly. Buck just nodded, wanting Ian to get to the point as quickly as possible. He couldn't stand the fact that Lissie was on the other side of the wall, and someone was stopping him from talking to her calmly. "First of all, this whole idea of your lawsuit is utterly stupid, and you're an idiot for doing it."

"I've already figured that out," Buck muttered discontentedly. He started to take a step toward the door, but Garcia blocked his path. "I guess there's something else?"

"You're finally getting those brain cells moving, bravo!" Ian applauded ironically. "I just have one more thing to say," Garcia pointed at him. "Hurt my Lissie, and even the Italian mafia won't help you."

"I don't know any Italian mafia, Garcia. What are you even saying to me?"

Buck raised an eyebrow and looked at Ian as if seeing him for the first time.

"Okay," the boy nodded. "Because my grandfather was a Mexican boss, and if you know anything about it," Ian ran a finger down his neck. "Just remember. Well..." He patted Buck on the shoulder and smiled innocently, as if he hadn't just threatened him. "Go talk to her nicely, and take advantage of the fact that I'm going for a run. I'll come back, and maybe I'll find you two kissing on my couch."

Ian ran down the hall, and Buck watched him for a moment, wondering if everything he'd just heard was true. Although he should have expected anything from Garcia. But now wasn't the time to dwell on whether Ian was the heir to the Mexican mafia.

Buck pushed open the door to the apartment, or rather, a small studio apartment, as he could see the bathroom and the combined living room and bedroom within sight. Despite this, the entire room was immaculately clean, and he wondered if Ian was such a stickler. Looking further, he spotted Lissie sitting on the couch, stirring her mug of steaming tea. This time, her blond hair was delicately pinned back with a small clip, and silver sun-shaped earrings dangled from her ears. She wore a simple graphic T-shirt and jeans, and to him, she looked like the most beautiful girl in the world.

She looked completely different than yesterday. Calmer.

"Liss," he said quietly, drawing attention to himself.

Lissie turned around from behind the couch and looked at him in shock.

"Buck? What are you doing here?"

"Ian told me you'd be here."

Nash sighed heavily.

"Of course," she shook her head, but he could see a playful glint in her eyes. She leaned her elbow on the back of the couch and fixed her gaze on him. "Has he ever threatened you with his Mexican mafia boss grandfather?"

"How do you know that?"

"I see your dread, and this line always works on everyone."

"So this is a lie?" he asked, moving toward her. "To scare every boy away from you?"

"Only the ones he wants to protect me from, so yeah," she laughed briefly. She made room on the couch, and Buck took advantage of this and sat down next to her. They were silent for a moment, but he couldn't tear his gaze away from her.

Buck tried to find the right words to start a conversation about what had happened, but he couldn't. Everything he could think of seemed utterly pointless. Above all, he didn't want to scare her, because he knew she hadn't run away that morning without reason.

Apparently, Lissie also sensed that he had come here for a reason. But what surprised him most was when she reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. This made his heart skip a beat, but he didn't pull away, merely extending his other hand toward her.

Lissie smiled at him briefly, and then he saw her tense slightly.

"I'm sorry I ran away this morning," she confessed honestly, surprising him again. Last time, she'd pretended she hadn't been avoiding him, but now she was straight up. "I should have told you right away, but when I woke up and started thinking about it all too much... I got scared."

"What?"

"Everything?" she replied, unsure herself. "I think so. Sometimes I overanalyze what happened, what might or might not happen, how I should have acted..."

"You woke up and started thinking too much about...?"

"Us," she nodded. Buck saw tears in her eyes, and when one rolled down her cheek, he wiped it away. "Did you really mean everything you told me? That you loved me?"

"Every word," he assured her with complete confidence. "I know almost anyone can tell you those words mean nothing to me, but that was back then. I'm not the same guy because you made me want to be better. I was an idiot with that lawsuit, and I want to fix that. I hurt everyone I care about, but what hurts me most is that I broke the promise I made to you, because I hurt you too, and you were the only person who supported me."

"You know perfectly well that's not true." She placed her hand on his cheek.

"I'm sure no one from the 118th wants to see me now, but I want to fix this. And what's between us." He looked her directly in the eye. "If that's what you want. I'll understand if it's the other way around."

"I want this," she assured him quietly, and for a moment, he thought he'd misheard her. "I didn't want you to think otherwise. What happened yesterday... I don't regret it, but..."

"You need more time," he finished for her, and she nodded. "I'll wait for you, as long as you need me. I only want you, Lissa Nash. All of you. With everything you've been through, with all the demons you're constantly fighting... With every wonderful moment you're experiencing that makes you want to be here. Just don't run away again," he pleaded, and more tears welled in her eyes, but this time she smiled at him simultaneously. "Even when things are bad, and you're scared, when you think too much..." He leaned toward her, pressing their foreheads together, and she let out a short, amused snort. "Just talk to me. I don't promise I'll always know how you feel, and I know I won't, but I'll try to understand. For you. For us. Because I want this to work out. I want it so damn much."

"Small steps?" She suggested timidly, and he smiled. "Shall we go back to how things were before the lawsuit?"

"Small steps," he agreed.

Lissie said nothing, but the gentle kiss she initiated first was answer enough.