Berdar angst fic

I've gotten uncreative with names I think I'm just gonna put descriptions as names lol

Anygays, thank you @Slayingshroom  and @ayani_star for recommending Berdar angst. I'd say this isn't exactly my special field but you know I can't say no to something like that.

This work is a canon compliance and canon extension, and since it's angst, here we go

Disclaimer ⚠️ Mention of self harm, panic attacks, dissociation, major depression and psychosisIf you're uncomfortable with these or are easily triggered, read at your own risk

Okay now that that's out of the way, I hope you're excited for the story, it's angst from beginning to end, and this is probably all the angst you'll be getting from me for whump-tober lol

TagsCanon compliance DepressionAngstEmotional hurt/comfort Panic attacks Angst with happy ending DelusionsSlight fluffDomestic fluff

(4.7k words)

Enjoy!

They hadn't meant it. Berdar was sure they hadn't. They would never on purpose make him feel left out. And they couldn't know what's been going on in his head lately. He was good at hiding it, after all. Maybe one could argue that he didn't need to hide it anymore, not after two years of dating.

But it just so happened that Maurice was going through a rough time at the moment, his mom got him into legal trouble recently and now he was in constant stress, having to justify himself before the law. She was trying to ruin him after moving out from home, and they all knew that. They had promised to support him in any way possible. Berdar had promised.

So he didn't say anything when he woke up in the morning, sitting up in their shared bed, seeing Tim and Maurice curled up together. He didn't bat an eye when Tim scooped Maurice's big frame into his arms, patting his head and peppering his fact with kisses.

He decided not to be bitter about it. They weren't excluding him. He was still welcome, still loved, still their boyfriend. But something about Tim giving Maurice all that extra attention was giving him a really foul feeling. He hated it.

He couldn't even explain it if he tried to. He looked over at them, sitting together, cuddling, being affectionate, and he was just watching. Just observing them how they acted together. As if he never existed in the first place.

Okay maybe that was a bit harsh, Berdar thought. They weren't excluding him. They were just not actively including him. It wasn't their job to do that anyways. Berdar decided he'd seen enough. He got up from his chair to get himself a cup of coffee. So what if it was 5pm? He could drink a coffee whenever he liked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"You alright?" Tim entered the kitchen behind Berdar, reaching for a mug on the top shelf. Maurice had been the one doing most of their interior designing, so some things were out of Tim's reach. Berdar silently reached for the mug and put it down on the counter for Tim.

"Yeah," he said, shrugging a little. Then he grabbed his own coffee and took a sip. Bitter. His face scrunched up.

"You sure? You've been a bit quiet," Tim asked again, starting to heat up water in a kettle and getting out a tea bag.

"I'm alright." Berdar put down his coffee, staring at it for a moment. His brain took a moment to work again before he opened the fridge.

He grabbed for the oat milk without thinking and poured it into his coffee. Cow milk was a rarity at their place since they lived together. Maurice had probably given a good reasoning, but Berdar didn't remember any of that. He would drink any kind of milk his boyfriend liked.

"Alright then," Tim smiled, pouring the tea before carefully carrying the mug back to the bedroom. Berdar just looked after him for a moment. Of course he was alright. Why wouldn't he be? A bit of a bad mood never killed anybody.

He picked his coffee up again and took another sip. The taste of the oat milk made his mind jump to Maurice. He'd love to hug him now. He shrugged and gulped down half of the coffee at once. His brain wasn't functioning right. He really needed to get it back on track somehow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Berdar was sitting in front of his book. A read he had to due in three weeks. He'd already procrastinated on it for almost a month now, never even getting started. His gaze fell onto the floor of the room where he had his little working station set up. It was pretty cluttered. A mess filling the space and slowly letting the wooden tiles on the floor disappear. 

Maurice had already told him to clean the place last week. For some reason, he hadn't been able to do it. Or maybe he didn't want to? Maybe he was being lazy. Maybe he should be more disciplined, like his boyfriends. They always got their work done on time. Tim was managing university pretty well. They didn't hear him complaining or neglecting his study room.

Berdar would just have to be more strict with himself. He could do it if he really tried. He opened the book and stared blankly at the first page. His brain was refusing to take in any of the words. It fell right through his mind. No matter how hard he tried to hold onto it, it escaped from his grip before he could commit it to long-term memory.

His solution was to stay up longer, reading the book. It wasn't really productive anymore, but he figured, if he already couldn't sleep, might as well make use of the time. Maurice had asked him with a little frown if he wouldn't come to bed with them, but Berdar told him he'd just finish this chapter. What a lie it had been. He knew it was, but maybe he had just convinced himself he could keep his word.

So now he was spinning in his chair, staring at the walls, the book resting in his lap. He felt like throwing up, but mentally. Physically he was okay. At least as okay as one could be at 2 am, filled with caffeine and a massive headache. It was fine. Once he'd finished this book, he wouldn't have to stay up long again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Maurice was out a lot the next days. Tim just said it's about the legal matter, but to Berdar it all sounded the same. His mind wasn't really comprehending what was being said, it was like he could only hear "he left—", and nothing past that. He left. He left. Berdar stared at the wall until he heard Tim calling his name for what seemed not the first time.

"You alright baby? Disassociating?"

"Guess so, yeah." Berdar shrugged, going back to his study room without losing another word. He left. He left. He left. Berdar sucked in a breath and shook his head, lightly hitting his head with his knuckles. He needed to snap out of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Berdar?" Maurice poked his head into the room with a smile.

"Hm?"

"Whatcha doing right now?" Maurice slipped inside, walking up behind him.

"I'm reading the book I got due."

"Ah yeah. Guess what? I got the money thing down!" Berdar raised his eyebrows, looking up at Maurice.

"Oh that's... That nice. I'm happy for you." Maurice clapped his hands excitedly, while Berdar was trying his best to remember what this had all been about.

"They said that we can probably avoid trial, and that I might even get compensation!"

Berdar tried to hide his confused expression, just nodding along and congratulating his boyfriend. Maurice seemed excited about it. Berdar didn't know what was going on. Had Maurice told him about this? Probably. He probably just forgot. How stupid of him.

"Sooo, I was wondering if you've got time now. Y'know, now that the issue it practically resolved, and we all got some free time on our hands. At least Tim and me, for the day. What about you?" Maurice grinned, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

Berdar thought of something to reply, his eyes falling back onto the book. He didn't feel like having sex. That was for sure. But how to tell that to his boyfriends without upsetting them or raising suspicions?

"I, uh... I'm not really done here. This book is due pretty soon, so—"

"But I'm sure you could need a little break, right? C'mon, you'll relieve some of that pent up energy. Hm?" Berdar felt sick to his stomach. His absolutely perfect boyfriend was asking him for intimacy, and he felt absolutely nothing. Fuck. Was he falling out of love? Was that what this was? It couldn't be, right?

"Not today, baby. Sorry. I'm in study mode right now, not really feeling it," Berdar replied, trying his best to make it sound convincing. If he really WAS falling out of love, they couldn't know.

There was no way he could ever hurt them like this. If he had to pretend to have feelings he didn't have for the rest of his life, he would gladly do it just for the sake of not hurting them.

Berdar was blankly staring again while Maurice just sighed and pressed a kiss onto his forehead, saying it was okay and they'd find another moment when he felt more in the mood. Berdar snapped out of it right as Maurice was about to slip out of the room again.

"Wait—" Maurice turned around, looking curious, maybe almost hopeful."Uh- you and Tim can do it without me if you want to. I'm alright. I didn't wanna ruin it for you."

If he was actually falling out of love, he needed them to get used to this happening a lot more often. And what better starting point than now?

"No, you know we don't do that. It's not an option, baby. Just get your studies done and come cuddle later. We'll be waiting for you," Maurice replied, his voice really soft now. Berdar would probably be melting into it, if there wasn't that nagging feeling of guilt, telling him what a disappointment he was to them.

If he really was falling out of love...he would destroy their lives. He didn't deserve them. He was ashamed of himself for even the possibility that he could be ever falling out of love with these perfect beings.

Berdar wasn't spending much time going out these days. He was preparing for exams, he said, so his boyfriends usually gave him space when they noticed him getting emerged into his studies. Any questions if he needed help were usually met with a lighthearted "pfft" and a dismissive hand gesture.

The couch in Berdar's study room had slowly began to turn into his second bed, allowing him to spend nights on his own, just staring at the ceiling and asking himself how this could be happening. He had been holding on for so long. How could it all come crashing back now?

In a few days would be Maurice's birthday. He would be turning 20. Berdar had to pull himself together. He couldn't ruin that for his boyfriend. Even if he just so happened to be falling out of love with him... He needed to make him a perfect birthday.And if Maurice asked for him that night, for his love and his touch... That's what he'd get.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~As it got darker outside, their apartment filled with more people. It wasn't a big place, but Maurice had insisted on celebrating his first birthday away from home in their own place. Tim and Berdar had been really quick to give in, unable to say no to Maurice even in their dreams.

Maurice was the happiest he could be, excitedly greeting all his friends. None of his family was invited, obviously. Just a bunch of friends, some of which Berdar knew, some he'd never heard of. But he would make conversation with some of them tonight, for the sake of his boyfriend's happiness.

At some point, someone yelled something incomprehensible, and next thing they knew, music was blasting through the apartment. Most people were in their living room or Kitchen, where the food was. Only the bedroom was taboo. Even their study rooms had people sitting around with drinks and snacks, chatting along.

"Isn't he adorable?" Tim spoke next to Berdar's ear, almost making him jump in surprise.

"Who is?" Berdar asked, caught off guard, before realizing how stupid his question had been. "Oh, yeah— yeah he's really cute tonight," Berdar agreed, looking over at Maurice who was giving out pieces of cake to a small group of friends.

One look at Tim told Berdar everything he had to know. This man would be dragging his birthday boy to bed after the party. And he would be part of that, if he wanted to or not. He would have to live with that today. Falling out of love or not – he would never dare to ruin Maurice's birthday.

There were a good 30+ people in their apartment by the time the clock hit 12. Everyone cheered loudly, and someone somewhere in a corner popped a confetti bomb.

Well that would make for one nice clean-up, Berdar thought. But he smiled and clapped like everyone else, almost choking on air when Maurice slung his arms around him and pulled him into a kiss. His face was probably getting impossibility red as he tried to keep his breath steady. Just act normal. It's just a kiss, nothing weird, it's just a kiss, just kiss him like normal—

When Maurice finally pulled away to repeat the same thing with Tim right next to him, Berdar felt like his heart would explode any second. His breath was ragged and unsteady, his mind running in circles.

He hadn't had any alcohol tonight. He'd purposely not had any, knowing it was no good idea in his current mental state.

Berdar looked around, all sounds blurring together to a mess, and he reached out for the table for leverage. The next moment he realized that his body hadn't moved. He'd somehow thought that it did, but he was still frozen in place. He didn't know what was happening to him or around him, all sounds being too loud and dull at the same time.

He could recognize Maurice when he tried to focus, seeing him getting hugged by his friends. Berdar opened his mouth to ask someone what was going on, why they were here, why it was so loud and why he was standing in this crowd, but no sound came out, and then again his lips were closed and dry, not moving an inch.

This wasn't real. It couldn't be. Suddenly everything felt so dull and unreal, his body just felt nothing anymore. No feelings. No clear thoughts. He had to snap out of this. Immediately! Now! Right now!

He tried to move again, he felt like crying but he didn't, eyes dry and hands searching for the wall. Was he really moving, now? It seemed like it.

He stumbled through the hallways, away from the crowd, looking for a quiet space. Somewhere without people. He felt like he was floating, almost, the person accidentally running into him felt like they were walking right through him.

As he entered his study room, he could see half empty bottles standing around, his mind barely recognizing the faces that were looking up at him. He shook his head, or maybe he didn't, he wasn't sure. He turned around again and left, finding the door to their bedroom.

It wasn't locked, so he stumbled inside and pulled it shut. He was panting now, growing slowly insane with the lack of sensations he was feeling. As if someone had put his brain in a white room with no sound and no people, everything was so far away and out of reach that he yelped in surprise when his knee hit the bed and he almost fell into the sheets face first.

Berdar scrambled to get into the sheets, the soft fabric of the comforter almost feeling like he was gripping into nothing, yet somehow still overstimulating when he pulls the blanket over his head.

He hadn't noticed his breath speeding up, nor the shaking of his hands, he could only continue to grip and pull on the blanket, trying to get it impossibility closer, but it was so cold and he couldn't feel the warmth he was craving, his mind refusing to acknowledge any kind of sensation on his body.

Everything was dark and dull, and he still couldn't feel anything. He didn't know what was happening to him, his mind kept circling back to the kiss.

The scene kept replaying in his head, for a second he almost thought he was there again, feeling the warm lips press on his. Why had it felt so overwhelming? Why had he panicked so much, gotten so worked up? Why had his face burned with embarrassment and a feeling of nausea, as if he needed to throw up his brain and disappear into the ground at an instant?

He was falling out of love. It was really happening, it must be that. Berdar gripped for his hair, pulling on it. The stinging pain was filled through his loud mind and his thumping heartbeat. He pulled harder, trying to feel. Hoping to feel anything at all. Even if it was pain.

He let out gurgled sounds, not caring if he sounded like a dying animal, there was no one there anyways. Just him and darkness, and the desire to feel again. He needed to reach through that fog that was keeping him trapped, he had to break through this weird veil—

The first sting was almost unnoticeable. Too soft, too careful, too scared. The second one was deeper. Berdar hissed, the pain spreading through his whole body.

It was almost euphoric, running through his veins and leaving him shuddering and panting with the need to feel it again. And again. And again. As many times as he needed to feel like he was in his body again. Like he was normal again, feeling sensations again.

It only took a few minutes until he was clutching his wrist, pain making all of his cells scream in agony, but his mind was blissed out for the moment, happy to have the control back.

He could feel it all, every drop that fell onto the floor, staining the soft carpet that he'd gotten Maurice. His boyfriend loved everything soft and fluffy, he'd been so excited about the fur-like carpet. Now he was ruining it. He was ruining it, he was—

What a disappointment he was.

No wonder he was being like this, he had fallen out of love with them. No wonder he was ruining everything on his special day.

He had to make up his mind about this. He couldn't stay here. Not like this. Knowing that it was all his fault, just because he couldn't love them right anymore.

His fingers dug even harder into his wrist, the sting suddenly filling him with dread. Dread of being seen like this. Messy. Disheveled. Pathetic.

Berdar's heart skipped a beat when he heard his name being called. He had no idea how much time had passed since he had disappeared into their bedroom.

He frantically pulled his sleeve down, but it was a sorry excuse of an attempt to hide anything. The white fuzzy carped beneath him was stained and had probably spread the sticky liquid on his clothes too.

All he could do was stare numbly at the door as it opened and the wide smile of his boyfriend turned into an expression of horror within seconds.

The door fell shut and Berdar heard the steps coming closer before he saw Maurice's face in front of him, reaching out carefully to cup his cheek.

"Baby? Are you with me? Can you hear what I'm saying?" Berdar wasn't even sure. He tried to reply something, but could only hear himself making a pained sound.

He didn't want Maurice seeing him like this. It was his own fault, he didn't love them anymore, and he was paying for that now. Maurice shouldn't have to deal with him. It was his birthday. He was ruining his birthday—

"Hey, hey, breathe, Berdar. Breathe. Slowly. Give me your hand." Maurice took his hand, giving it a tender squeeze, before kneeling right in front of him and starting to breathe loudly, trying to help Berdar to find a rhythm. He reached out carefully to feel Berdar's pulse on his neck, eyes never leaving Berdar's.

"It's, it's m' fault—" Berdar babbled, trying to catch his breath. Only now he realized that he'd been crying all this time, and that's why everything was looking so blurred to him. "'ts my own— 'ts... my fault for..."

"Shhhh," Maurice shook his head, placing a finger over Berdar's lips."Breathe."

Berdar tried his best to take a deep breath, but it kept breaking off and making his body shake. The door opened again now, and Tim peeked inside.

"Oh you're here, people were already asking—" Tim stopped mid sentence, his expression dropping the same way Maurice's had, and it felt like a stab to Berdar's heart. He hated to be the reason for the look of terror on his boyfriend's faces.

"Oh my god, what happened?" Tim sank down next to Maurice, shifting closer, trying to assess the situation. His gaze fell onto Berdar's messy hands, and he immediately reached out for Berdar's free hand and tugged up his sleeve. Berdar hissed and tried to stop him, but Tim only got up quietly.

"I'm dealing with the people. I'll be back with a first aid kit."Right before he left the room, he turned around again to look at Maurice. "That alright with you?"

"Of course," Maurice assured, as if it was the most obvious thing ever. "Send them home."Tim left, and Berdar only stared at Maurice through tears.

"I ruined your birthday," he mumbled, reaching out for Maurice before dropping his hand again. Maurice shook his head.

"You didn't ruin it. It's not your fault. I've had a good birthday, don't worry. The party is officially over already, they're just staying as long as they like right now. Some already left. Don't worry about that now." Maurice's voice was calm and steady, making Berdar feel a little bit better.

"It's still my fault," he muttered. And as much as Maurice tried to convince him otherwise, Berdar kept saying it again and again, like he wasn't hearing anything. By the time Tim came back, Maurice had given up trying to change his mind. He wasn't going to let go of this thought for now.

Berdar disassociated again while Tim tended to his wrist. He hadn't told Berdar about this, but Tim had put together a first-aid kit specifically for situations like these at some point, and right now he was glad that he had.

Berdar was staring blankly at the wall, barely noticing that it had gotten quiet in their apartment.

When Tim was done patching him up, Berdar blinked himself out of his thought tunnel to look around. His eyes met Tim's, then Maurice's, and he felt like curling in on himself as he met with their concerned looks.

"It's my fault," he whispered again, knees pushing up against his chest. Maurice sighed now and reached for Berdar's hand again.

"Why do you think that?" Was all he asked, waiting for Berdar to talk to them.

"I..." Berdar's gaze fell to the floor. Could he really tell them? What if they hated him and he couldn't live with them anymore?

"You can tell us. We won't be mad," Tim assured him just in that moment. Berdar nodded slowly, trying to find the words to say what he was trying to bring across.

"I think... I... I fell out of love, I think." His voice was quiet and shaky, and barely above a whisper.

He expected some kind of dramatic silence, gasps, shocked faces. But instead he just felt a hand run through his hair slowly and Maurice giving him a warm smile.

"I think we can fix that. Let's give it some time, yes? Maybe in a few days this will all look differently."

How could he be so calm about this? Had they not understood Berdar correctly? He was falling out of love! They couldn't be together anymore!

"But I... What if- aren't you gonna break up with me?" He looked over at Tim now, who only had a slight frown on his face, letting out a pained sigh before opening his arms.

"Hug?"

Berdar stared at him wordlessly for a moment before shuffling forward to curl up in Tim's embrace. Tim hugged him close and patted him over his head slowly.

"You could've told us that it's getting bad again," Tim told him softly, letting Berdar rest his head on Tim's chest. "You know we'd be there for you if you're feeling an episode coming in."

Berdar froze up for a moment. What was that? He peeked our from Tim's shirt, looking up at him confused through teary eyes. "What..?"

"You can tell us when your depression is getting worse, Berdar. We can't always tell if it's just studying that's making you sit alone and get quiet, or if you're dissociating again and getting trapped in your head. We talked about this."

"But I..." Berdar stopped talking, thinking back for a moment. It had all started with his study room getting cluttered again and him not remembering Maurice's situation with his legal matters. How could he not have noticed the sudden memory loss? The constant dissociation? The isolation?

"Berdar," Maurice leaned on one arm now, placing the other on Berdar's back to rub it gently. "You can talk to us when you're feeling worse. You know that, right? We want to be there for you. And your psychosis is never your fault."

Berdar stared at him in silence. Psychosis. What a big word. He hadn't ever used it to describe himself. Maybe medical professionals have, yes. Maybe his boyfriends have. But he would maybe never get used to it.

"I'm not.... falling...out of love?" He muttered, staring down at the floor again.

"Doesn't matter if you are," Maurice assured him, threading his fingers through Berdar's hair. "We still love you. Delusions or not. You can always tell us when something like this is happening."

He was right, Berdar realized. Last time he went through a major depressive episode, he had thought that it was a punishment from God who was mad at him for being homosexual, and he had "come out as straight" to both his boyfriends, who had not batted an eye before telling him it was alright, and hadn't made a big deal of it.

He realized how patient they were being with him, and came to the conclusion, sobbing quietly, that he didn't deserve them. Tim rocked him back and forth slowly, whispering quiet reassurances to him while Berdar was soaking his shirt in tears.

It would probably take a while till he was back to feeling everything and having a clear head. He was still pretty convinced had he'd fallen out of love with his boyfriends, nevermind the painful tugging at his heart and his desire to sit in Tim's arms like this for the rest of the night. But this wasn't anything they'd never encountered before, and they would deal with it.

He had no idea for how long they had been sitting like this before he had fallen asleep. He just knew they hadn't left, and they wouldn't leave, even if something in him wanted him to believe that. Even if he would go through this a million more times, they wouldn't let him go through it alone.

They would puzzle him back together like always. They would help him clean up his depression room, make sure he ate and slept enough, and flood his senses with acts of love and affection till he was back to feeling like himself, able to love them back like he wanted to. Like he would have all this time if he had been able to.

But some things take time. Time that they have enough of.

That's all for today :)I actually used a spinning wheel to decide which request to write first haha

Just to set the record straight, I'm no mental health professional nor do I have any personal experience with psychotic depression or similar. This story is purely fictional and no accurate representation of any mental illness.

Hope you enjoyed the angst, and for everyone who's not a fan, I'm definitely going to write smut again for next time cause it's more fun and way less depressing than this xD

I still had fun writing this, so lmk what you think, especially those who recommend it and see y'all soon <33