𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐔𝐒 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑

BONUS CHAPTER.in memoriam.

❊ ❊ ❊

TO CAMILLE,

I still struggle to believe you're gone. It's been a few months and, for the first time since summer, all 4 of us finally are willing to accept closure. I mean, some of us definitely closed off faster than others, but now we're doing it together.

The Wreck feels weirdly empty without you. Everytime JJ, and John B, and I go in after a surf, I still look for that red bikini of yours, even though I know you hated the uniform. Mike changed it since... everything, which will probably make you even more mad. But, hey, at least it's gone for good, right?

We also never get free food anymore. Maury doesn't man the kitchen anymore, so there's no leftovers, and no one to sneak them to us. Maybe that's for the better though, we don't need anyone else getting fired at our expense.

Actually, it was my expense. I'm sorry for basically forcing you to give us food that one night, and I'm sorry for letting the responsibility slide off me so easy. You always called me the smartest of the group, but I kinda think I'm only smart on paper. I wasn't smart when it mattered.

You wanna know what else has changed? I've started smoking. Well, not as much as you, because not even JJ smokes that much. You're a champ— said it a couple times in the past and I'll say it again. For me it's just weed, and just sometimes. Whilst you had your own things going on, we did too, and somehow along the way I lost my scholarship.

Thinking about it, I think you were my biggest supporter with that scholarship. You of all understood what it was like to work so hard from nothing, and I guess now we both understand what it's like to lose it. Your case is way worse though, Cami, and I'm sorry it had to be that way.

That's all I really have to say. I'm sorry. We all are. The way everything went down on your birthday was poorly handled by all of us, and I want you to know I wish I could've acted different. Wishes won't get us far in life, you helped me learn that.

I hope your last moments were happy, and I hope one day I'll be able to smoke with you like you always wanted.

— Pope

❊ ❊ ❊

Camille / Cami,

Am I still allowed to call you Cami? I know we ended on a pretty bad note to say the least, still that doesn't mean you ever stopped being the same old Cami in my eyes. The same Cami I loved.

I don't think I ever told you I fell in love with you. I mean, I know I'm with Sarah now, and you were with Rafe, and what we had was never that serious. It was still love though, well, at least on my end.

You were my first everything. My first time, my first love. There's no one I would've rather wanted to share that with. You gave me a feeling of comfort that no one could replicate, because you knew what you were doing, because you knew what to say and do.

You always knew what to do when shit got tough, didn't you? I probably burdened you with my problems more than I do JJ, which is a hell of a bold claim. But, it's true. Everyone knew you were the most together person out of us 5, and I guess that's why we never saw what really was going on with you.

When I lost my dad, it was your words that really hit home. You told me that dads are always running a relay race, and what they leave behind is yours to carry on. How funny, looks like you were in that race too, if you knew it or not.

Big John used to tell me you had Charlie's smile, in the same way you told me I had his. I get May was a tough nut to crack and, regardless of everything that's happened, you really did know the exact way to handle her.

Not just her, though. You knew the inside and outs of all of us better than we knew ourselves. You were observant as hell, sometimes too much. I'm sorry I could never do the same for you.

The Chateau is here waiting. It was, even when I said it wasn't. It's a free for all, you know? I shouldn't have ever given you the impression that it wasn't. If I look hard enough, I can still see your imprint on the couch, and of course the cigarette burns you left behind. That's what gives it character. That's what gives us character. You.

You will never not play a role in my life, Cami. I kept that photo of all of us at The Wreck and, someday, when mine and Sarah's kids point to the girl in the red swimsuit, I'll tell them all about you. Their cool aunt, who was a little kooky, and who meant the world to me.

Don't hog all the waves in the afterlife, I'm still up for a surf if you are. You're a better surfer than Pope, let's just hope you still have it in you.

Sarah and Wheezie send their best.

JB.

❊ ❊ ❊

Dearest Cami,

I'm starting this by saying I'm still pissed off with you. Rafe, really? I mean, John B was bad enough, and I could look past that, but Rafe? I'll criticize your choice in men another day, I did enough of that for 2 years. Now's the time to apologise.

I treated you like shit when you needed me most, and you're free to hate me for that forever. I hate me too. I hate that I was too brave when it mattered least, and not brave enough when it came to your funeral.

The day May called to break the news, I didn't even wanna pick up the phone. I hate her for how she treated you, and I still do, but nowhere near as much as I hate myself.

I hate how I just kept everything secret, even though I think we both can take partial responsibility for that. Best friends shouldn't keep secrets, right? That was our thing, 100% honesty. And we broke that.

The boys have had it with how much I complained about you, I'm sure. I don't think that's particularly reassuring, but it's transparent. I mean, if it was me who got with one of those jerks from The Wreck, you'd never let me hear the end of it. But you wouldn't have left me, which is what I did.

I was more mad over you picking someone that wasn't me than the fact that you picked Rafe. That's not to say I'm justifying it— he put you through shit and you fell for that? Enough about him, though. I need to say how I feel.

Felt. Feel. I don't know. All I know is you, and the fact that I was so deeply in love with you. As friends, or more, I don't know. You were just... the center point of my life, always. The sun to my moon.

You found another galaxy, and I have to accept that. I won't say it doesn't hurt, because it does. Every day without you hurts. Every memory stings like a bitch, and I hate it. I hate you, but not as much as I love you.

I kept your Midsummers flower. It's been a while, and it's always been on my nightstand, but now I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to let you go because, irrespective of the love and hate I simultaneously have for you, you would've wanted me to let it go.

Actually, I don't know what Rafe's Cami would've wanted, but this is what I imagine my Cami's wants to be. Except you're not my Cami anymore, since I lost you a long time before anyone else did.

I don't mean to be selfish, but you can't deny that even John B or JJ never came as close to you as I did. You're my girl, always were, always will be.

I'm sorry. Smile down at me, one last time? I miss your smile.

From Kie.

❊ ❊ ❊

To Cami,

I miss you. I never stopped. I miss your laugh, your hugs, your peachy smoky scent, everything that made you you. I also miss when we used to park outside the country club and poke fun at every single Kook. What happened to that?

What happened that made you want to choose Rafe? I'm not mad, I'm over being mad. I just wanna know. Did he treat you right? Did he love you, Cami? Better than we could?

I know he did, but some part of me doesn't wanna believe it. Your funeral was beautiful, from what I saw. He did a good job, I'll admit, even if I don't want to.

I had a drawing of you in my pocket that I wanted you to take. It was done from memory, which no true artist ever should do, but it worked. The picture of you in your Midsummers dress stayed with me for a while, and it still has.

You were beautiful, and I hope that still stayed. Alcohol can do a number on most, but not you. Never you, you wouldn't let it hurt you that much.

Except you did. I guess having me as your one and only driving instructor didn't pay off much, did it? I'm joking, I hope you can tell I'm joking. I just keep wondering what the hell possessed you to get behind that wheel, but the answer isn't mine to receive.

May stopped being friends with Luke. I know it's for the better, and I know it's what you would've wanted, but I miss seeing her around. She was a familiar face, you had her eyes. I'll miss looking into them.

She's also gotten engaged, to Dave. Great man, he has your and her best interests at heart. I think that's why he kicked me out of your funeral, but whatever. No bad blood, I'm sure he'll treat her well. She is well, all because of you.

You pulled us all back into reality. I can only speak for myself, but I think all of us finally get that we're not one, we're four. We were five, and that's how it should've been. I'm just happy you found your one, you deserved the happiness while it lasted.

In the moment, maybe I was angry at you and Rafe. I didn't understand it, and I can't say I understand it much more now. But, then again, no one ever understood you. Quiet Cami, who only ever spoke to confuse people. You were too damn good at hiding with your words, yet I still love that about you.

I just wish we could've talked more. I wish you could've told me what was up, you know I was always there to listen. Who knows Pogue Life better than us two, right?

I'm glad you got your Figure Eight dream in the end, even if it wasn't perfect. Betting on you being the first Kook out of us was correct. When you put your mind to something, everyone knew you could get it. And you did. Just wish you wouldn't have lost it, being a Kook kinda suited you.

Live a Pogue, die a Kook. Only the best of both worlds for you. You loved dreaming big.

Keep dreaming, big sis. Meet you on the other side soon.

From your little bro,JJ.

❊ ❊ ❊

With their respective letters and gifts in hand, the Pogues all stood gathered in the Chateau backyard, forming an orderly line in front of the one tree in the area. A heart was carved into the bark, the name and years of life of their former burnt into the wood, illuminated by candles and fairy lights alike — a heart wrenching sight for a heartwarming evening.

The death of Camille Fox united the four friends more than is moral to admit. It was a bright and bold sign for them to start being more attentive, more focused on the struggles that mattered. That being the struggles each and every one of them had going on in their personal lives.

Camille was the product of all of their struggles, piled into one person who, for that reason, met her end. It was a wake up call for all and, after months of silence, distance, and solitude, they were finally ready for closure.

"We all wrote everything we needed to, right?" Kiara was the first to speak up, taking her role as the leader of the ceremony. The boys each confirmed the statement in their own ways, prompting her to breathe in and say, "So that's it."

"Yeah, I guess." John B added.

"That's it." Pope copied, "JJ?"

JJ Maybank, toying with two folded pieces of paper, said, "I don't know, man."

"What d'you mean?" asked Kiara, voice soft.

"I don't know, this shit all feels wrong." the blond's volume raised with frustration, "Why should we get to do this when we're the reason the whole thing happened?"

"JJ, we've been over this—" John B attempted to intervene.

He interrupted, "No! That's not enough, bro. It never was. We shouldn't even be doing this right now, okay? She should be here."

"Well, that's life. It has to end for everyone." Pope inserted his view.

"Not at 18!" JJ protested, eyes welling up with tears.

Without further words, Kiara rushed to the boys side, taking him into her arms as they both began to sob. The two were arguable most grief stricken out of the group, due to their closest relationship with the girl, and hence their emotional reactions.

It was the same when the news first struck. They were all affected, not to be mistaken, but it was JJ and Kiara whom it hit most. It's since stayed that way, and there was a mutual worry that things weren't changing any time soon.

"It's okay, it's okay." Kie made her efforts in consoling herself and her friend, pulling him arms width apart, "I know— I know it's tough. But, JJ, we have to let her go."

"We already did, that's the problem."

"I know. Look, it's now or never." the girl assured, holding the boy's face in her hands, "We agreed this was the right thing. Who would we be to back out?"

He swallowed, "We don't back out. Not anymore."

"Not anymore." she nodded, returning to the ceremony with a deep breath.

From the patio table that was brought over earlier, Kiara retrieved the wooden box that was awaiting their gifts, already half-filled with dried flowers and other memorabilia of the sort. Her letter was folded and placed on one side, allowing her to pull a bracelet Camille made off her wrist and add it to the collection, only after a brief moment of rolling the band in between her fingers.

Once done, she passed the box to John B— who was at the start of their procession— and turned back to the table, picking up a bottle of peach liqueur and a pack of Marlboro Reds that the group bought for the occasion. She opened the screw top with urgency, chasing down a gulp and following through with the order things were being passed in.

John B had already placed his letter amongst all else, taking a moment to pause and search for his gift. What he then procured was a blue lighter, the very same that Camille had lost at the Boneyard party, and that the boy had woken up early for that next morning in hopes of getting it back to her. Too little too late, he supposed, but the item served as a reminder of how she would always lose her lighters, and maybe now she'd constantly have one on hand.

Continuing the order, Pope tucked his letter in, paired with the fabric hair tie Camille had once placed on his wrist, and that he had since never taken off. For a girl with locks like hers, someone had to keep a band on standby for her, and now was the time for him to retire his useful role in her life.

Finally, the box had landed in JJ's hold. He took the longest moment of reflection out of all, skimming over his letter one last time and placing it to rest alongside his chosen sketch. He then was passed the drink and the cigarettes, from which he took the finishing sip, placing the gifts at the foot of the tree whilst also inserting a cigarette between his lips.

Once the line was restored, the group simultaneously pulled out their lighters, flames to the end of their sticks. Kiara hummed a faint, "For Cami," which urged the boys to do the same, all while taking their first inhale of the smoke that Camille loved so much.

Not a word was said for the rest of the evening. That's the beauty of grief; it brings people together, all who have so much to say yet, when the moment arrives, nothing comes of it. Nothing but the mutual understanding that one of their friends had met her untimely end, and it was only a matter of time until the cycle would repeat.

The Pogues, now being a group of four, knew that one day, one of them would have no one holding a memorial for them. Cami thought the same would be for herself, but they wouldn't let that happen.

Friendship outlives people, but they weren't just friends. They were a family, and everyone knows families have their momentary conflicts. But that's all it is: momentary.

Camille Fox was tied to her friends for life— whatever that word meant.