𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 𝟐

author's note!

listen to the song above if you wish to cry more. i apologise in advance.

— nina xx

EPILOGUE TWO the last page

❊ ❊ ❊

To Rafe,

My Rafe.

God, I really don't know how I'm supposed to start this. You're probably reading this right now with a bitter heart, cursing my name, and wishing I had the willpower to stay. And, for that, all I can say is that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I had to drag you along with me. I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this, and I'm sorry that I've now left you all alone. There are countless things I could keep apologising for, but what's the use of a few smudged lines on a piece of paper? Me saying sorry won't console you in any way, no matter how much you might wanna convince yourself that it will.

I'm the last person you should be hearing this from, but you don't have to force yourself to be happy so that others around you feel better about themselves. Writing that down just contradicted every single thought in my mind, as that's all I've ever known life to be, but that doesn't mean you have to follow in my footsteps.

Did you notice today's one month since we started talking? It's crazy how much God must hate us considering what we've been through in these 30 or so days. We both know I'm like the least religious person ever, but is it bad to say that you were my most heavenly experience?

Saying that has to be some form of blasphemy, but it's not like I can really be punished for it anymore. I feel like there's always been some metaphorical gold thread tying us together at all times. Something brought us together and, the more I got to know you- the real you- that knot tightened and eventually brought me to your arms. You have every right to hate me right now (trust me, I know how that feels), but that can't erase the fact that the universe intended for us to meet. It doesn't matter if I'm gone, I'll be tied to you regardless.

The days spent by your side were easily the best days of my life. Rafe, you taught me how to enjoy my life again. I can't remember the last time I smiled as much when you weren't around. Sure, we weren't the healthiest of pairings, and it hurt like shit to be dragged around in the shadows for the first few weeks. That's not your fault though, if I were you I'd keep me a secret too.

I'll forever be glad that we made it out together after everything thrown in our direction, even if that isn't the case now. I vividly remember that night when we planned our future together, when he hoped to run away and leave this town for good. Every part of me still wishes we had a shot at that but, realistically, you deserve so much better than me.

I fell so fucking hard for you. You can even read over all the times I wrote about it in here, and you'll see that I'm not lying one bit. I loved you more than I should've- fuck it, I still do. It's not physically possible, but I know I'll continue loving you even as a pile of bones in a casket.

Speaking of caskets, please don't make people see me at my funeral. I hardly had the balls to speak about my dad to you, but May insisted on him having an open casket, and that shit was terrifying. I don't want you to see me like that. You shouldn't have the last image of me in your mind as what I'll look like when I'm laying there lifeless.

Truth be told, I don't want you to stay hung up on me. You deserve a chance at happiness, and you won't find that if you keep reminiscing on me. Loving me will pass someday, and you'll find a girl who will treat you better than I ever could. She won't love you more than I do (no one can, I don't care what they say), but she'll love you for a lifetime that I couldn't provide. She'll patch up the parts of you that I've shred, and you'll get over this.

Take it from experience, you might feel like you'll never get over me. That's not true. Loving will pass for you like it can't for me, and you'll get to live all over again. You don't deserve to destroy yourself at my expense, that's why I'm letting you go.

I know if I'd stayed around any longer I'd only force you down to this hell with me. Please ignore what others say about you, our shared days made me realise that you're truly a good person, whether you want people to see that or not. You once told me that only I deserve to see the best of you, but that's the furthest from the truth.

No matter if I want to keep you all to myself like the selfish bitch I am, others have the right to be blessed with the Rafe Cameron I knew. You cared for me even when I least deserved it, and that small ounce of care kept me here for longer than I should've.

I've overstayed my welcome on Earth. The world wasn't built to contain both of us at the same time- it's like someone knew we'd be a force to be reckoned with. This is why I'm allowing you to stay behind whilst I move on, because you deserve to.

I can't help but keep telling you what you deserve, and I can tell you're rolling your eyes every time I say it. You can hate me all you want for how I've chosen to show you that, but it's clear that I'm willing to make any sacrifice to prove your worth.

Rafe, you are honestly the best thing to come out of this fucked up island. I don't care if you think I'm emasculating you again (see, I remembered that word), but you really were my angel in this living hell of mine. You blessed my final days with those stupid eyes of yours, and your stupid smile, and your stupid fucking book.

As much as I hate Shakespeare, he seems like the only guy capable of describing how hard I love you. I would laugh whenever you compared us to Romeo and Juliet, but that truth really came back to bite me on the ass. Just, whatever you do, don't be as dumb as Romeo was.

The sirens are getting louder again, so I have to cut myself short. I could keep rambling on about how much I love you for hours and scribbling down those thoughts into this piece of paper, but not even that could fully explain what I feel towards you.

There will be a lifetime where we meet again. Where the world is fit to take the power of us both, and where the stars are written for us to stay together. I've learnt from my mistakes in making promises I can't keep, but I vow to continue our beautiful mess someday. Don't take this as a goodbye, but rather as a 'to be continued' to our story. Just know I'm doing this for the better.

Please be happy for me, Rafe. Live like I couldn't.

Love from your Juliet,

Camille Fox