𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟑𝟏

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE second thoughts

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THE WARM FEELING of water running down my back drowned out any previous thought I had. Ever since Rafe and I spoke in the kitchen, I didn't want to think about anything. He had noticed my lack of focus, and him pointing it out only made matters worse.

I was never the type of person who liked having things pointed out about them. Whether it was my emotional distance, my alcohol abuse, or the fact that I simply looked upset, I hated having any matter spoken out loud.

Most of all, I hated when someone would tell me I'm not 'myself'. I never understood that phrase, seeing as I wouldn't get close enough to anyone to let them know what I really was like. I was obsessive, manic, and frankly a person that people shouldn't get close to. I knew that very well, hence why no one on the island would ever grow close to even tolerating me.

Yet, people still persisted.

The Pogues still persisted.

Rafe still persisted.

My body turned to face the shower, submerging myself completely under the water. I didn't want to think of him, I lied to myself. I knew I did. Yet, maybe if I continued repeating it in my mind, then one day it'd become true.

I trailed over each mark he left with my soaped-up palm, the floral-scented liquid masking over them for a brief second. It would be another lie for me to say that I didn't enjoy the bruises, since it signified that I was the person he gave them to. It was masochistic for me to think that way, but I would preserve anything he left behind as long as it meant I could treasure what we had.

After another series of thoughtless moments, I stepped out of the marble-interior shower, struggling to see clear amongst the steam I had created. The single white towel I brought into the bathroom wrapped around my body, leaving my hair to run down my exposed back. When I was younger, there wasn't a feeling I detested more than that of wet hair.

Little did I know what other feelings there would be for me to hate later down the line.

I left a path of soaked footprints leading to my bedroom, wanting to get myself ready as fast as I could. It was inconsiderate for me to treat Tannyhill like I normally would treat my home, but that word seemed to lose its meaning with time. At this point in time, I didn't even know where 'home' was.

After the horror I witnessed a few weeks back with May, it definitely wasn't the same house I had lived in for the 17 years of my life. It was far from the Figure 8 mansion I found myself in currently, even if I was spending the majority of my days here.

Home wasn't a building, per se, but more a state of mind.

I shut the door behind me once I stepped into the barely decorated guest room. The only part of these 4 walls that slightly resembled me was the clothing scrambled over the floor, which had now disappeared by some bizarre occurrence. Knowing I was the only person who was staying in this room, I stared at the neatly organised interior that replaced the familiar mess.

My eyes fell onto the twin-sized bed in the corner, seeing a perfectly laid outfit resting on top of my floral bedsheets. The pair of denim shorts I bought on the mainland sat alongside an olive-coloured bikini, the clothes paired with a small blue card which I recognised more than I wished to.

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You took your time getting ready, thought I could help speed you up. I'd start missing you if you took any longer.

-R

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The paper stayed in between my fingers, a small smile casting across my lips as I read the words over and over again. With each time I'd tell myself that I should stay away from Rafe, he continued to rope me back in with either his words or his actions. If I was being completely honest, he could just look at me with his dilated pupils and I'd find myself by his side again.

He had some sort of magnetic hold on me; one that I couldn't resist no matter how much I should've. I was glued to him like a moth is to a flame, the only escape possible being to blow the fire out. However, each day spent in his company was proving only to add gasoline to the flames, leaving a short amount of time before everything burnt to ash.

Playing with fire is fun, after all, regardless of whether you get burned in the process.

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"I've outdone myself once again." Rafe stood at the end of the staircase, his sunken expression turning into a proud one the second his eyes fell onto my body.

"Rafe Cameron, the professional stylist." I stopped at the second to last step, my head towering over his for a change. "Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

His hands rested on either side of my waist, holding onto the curves as if they were made to fit each other. I watched his eyes pace up and down my tanned skin, smirking once he noticed the hickeys he left being entirely on show.

"You're beautiful, Cami."

"It's just a bikini and shorts, don't get yourself too worked up." I glanced down at his black Levi's, laughing softly at my own joke.

"I hate you." his arms fixed around my upper thighs, pulling me off my feet.

"You know you love me, Cameron." I roughed up his gelled hair, always having preferred it scruffier.

"Those words are bold coming from you."

The soles of my Converse set back down onto the hardwood floor, Rafe's grip not moving from around my waist. Despite not being fully happy, I couldn't lie and say that he didn't manage to spark up the last remainders of that feeling. Each time our eyes met one another brought me closer to forgetting everything he'd done- something that was far too familiar than I liked it to be.

He made me weak, and it wasn't long until the metaphoric walls built around me were to completely crack.

"So," he resumed, "pharmacy?"

"Not trying to become a mother at 17." I chuckled, following by Rafe's side.

"And I'm not trying to become a father at 19." his hand traveled into the back pocket of my shorts, holding onto me as we walked.

"If you were trying that hard, you would've had a condom ready."

"You're never gonna let go of that, are you?" he shook his head. "Always the guy's fault."

"Precisely." I stood up on my toes, reaching to press my lips against his cheek. "Look at you, my smart boy."

"Yours, huh." he used the hand in my pocket to spin my body around, steadying me by grabbing hold of my waist once more.

My arms laid on top of Rafe's polo collar, pulling him closer against me. Truthfully, I hadn't registered what I said until he pointed it out. Ignoring how much I needed to distance myself from him, the word just rolled off my tongue as if it was second nature. There wasn't an ounce of regret in me, since I did wish he was mine.

The harder part was realising that he wasn't.

"Did I say something that was untrue?" I asked, knowing the answer full well. "Doubt you're begging for any other girl as much as you are for me."

"Not sure I'm the one who's doing the begging. Need I remind you of last night, or are your legs doing the job for me?"

I tore my face away to hide my defeated smile, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right. He brought his hand up to cup my cheek, positioning my head to how it was previously. There was obviously no shot at winning against him in that situation, so I simply stared back at him like he wanted me to.

"Have I ever told you how gorgeous you are?" he tucked my damp hair behind my ear, almost predicting that I wanted it out of my way.

"You've told me many times." I said, feeling the skin on my face warm up.

"And I've meant every single one." he paused his sentence, leaving his jaw hung open as if there was something else he wanted to say.

"Are we ever gonna get out of this house?" I quickly changed topics for his benefit.

"Right," his hand moved from my cheek to his pocket, pulling out a set of keys I hadn't seen before. "you up for a ride on my bike?"

The last time I had seen Rafe ride his motorcycle was the night of the party, the memory making me realise just how drastically things had changed since then. For a split second, it was hard to believe I ever used to hate him, considering the person I grew to know recently. Though he appeared different to me now, it didn't magically erase everything he had done in the past- despite my mind choosing to forget about it most of the time.

It gave me more of a reason to keep my distance, but how could I possibly do that now that I was addicted to him?

If I was to learn anything over the time I got to know him, it was that there was no going back after everything we shared. It wasn't like I particularly wanted to anyway. After all, I started seeing life in a different way in his company. Life was something worth living by his side; every day bringing another crazy thing for me to experience.

However, it wasn't long until I was bound to become the only crazy thing left.

"I'm up for anything." I grinned.

"That's my girl." his lips pressed against mine in a way that was different from all the kisses we'd shared before.

He pulled away to put his helmet on, leaving me to admire him with a warm feeling in my chest. I had noticed how attractive Rafe was many times before, but watching him now made me see a new side to the usual sight I was used to.

Be it a result of his words or our short kiss, I felt closer to him than I did in any previous moment. There was a sight that met my eyes which I wasn't used to seeing previously, although I was still staring at the exact same person. It was like I was experiencing everything for the first time again; every touch, every kiss, every lustful moment.

Except, something had changed. It was unclear if it was for better or for worse, but I liked it. I had never usually liked change, but some part of me was even happier than I was beforehand. Regardless of how long I could look at him for, I still wasn't able to pinpoint just what had shifted.

All I knew was that I wanted to spend every moment possible with him, even if it cost me my sanity.

His company was a prize worth paying anything for.