𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟐𝟏

trigger warning!

sexual assault and manipulation will be mentioned in this chapter.

i have put 2 sets of stars surrounding the possibly triggering scene, and i strongly advise you to skip past it if you are sensitive to these topics.

please remember that, if you are a victim of assault, you are never alone and there will always be someone you can speak to. whether it be an authoritative figure, a friend, or even me, know that you are never alone.

please read this chapter with caution.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE boys will be boys

❊ ❊ ❊

"LEAVING SO SOON?" Ward asked, confused at my behaviour. "You haven't touched your food yet."

"I think Noah left something in my room. Better to get it now than to forget later." I put emphasis on the boy's name, Rafe's reaction bringing me a strange thrill. "Also, sorry Rose, but I'm not touching that meatloaf."

I took one last glance at the unimpressed faces at the dinner table before heading for my room, wanting to get high as fast as I could.

I couldn't stomach looking at Rafe for another sober moment.

"I still don't know why you hired another Pogue after what happened with John B." I heard the woman's voice fade progressively from across the hall, choosing not to care for her sour attitude.

The same squeaking noise from my Converse returned once I started sprinting up the stairs, the ability to breathe normally becoming restricted with every step. Being a smoker had its ups most of the time, but right now I surely wanted to have normal lungs.

My body fell against the railing of the 2nd storey, allowing me to catch my breath for a moment. Stabilising myself with the help of the hallway walls, I stumbled into my bedroom with the bag of cocaine still safe in my hands.

The door made an unexpected slamming noise as I closed it, the sound making me jump.

"Sorry!" I shouted, not wanting to anger the family any more than I already had.

I gripped onto the corner of my desk, placing the plastic baggie down on the surface. Rafe's ring fell onto the floor, the sight of it repulsing me even further.

If I wasn't upset about last Saturday as it was, I certainly was after tonight's appearance. All along I knew that involving myself with a Kook would end badly, but I never imagined letting myself get this bad.

I hated every part of the situation. I hated how he treated me. I hated how he touched me. I hated how he spoke to me. I hated how he looked at her.

But, most of all, I hated myself for not being able to hate him. Despite hating everything about him, I couldn't find the guts to hate him and only him.

My emotions confused me more than his behaviour. Any sane person wouldn't have gotten themselves into this mess in the first place, and clearly I didn't fit into that category.

I drove myself insane because of him, yet somehow I didn't want to stop.

And I think that's what I hated most about him.

The fact that I couldn't let him go.

I shook myself out of my daze, running my fingers through my hair before emptying the remaining contents of the powder onto the oak desk. The high that cocaine gave me was awful, but I needed to do anything I could in order to clear my mind.

Picking up a ripped clothes tag, I started to form slim lines out of the drug. The paper wasn't an ideal tool, but it was the fastest thing to use. I watched the powder coat the wooden surface, rolling up the same tag I used into a cylinder.

"Starting without me?" Noah's voice sounded from across the room, startling me instantly.

"Fuck. They don't teach you how to knock in Dartmouth?" I breathed, feeling my heart rate start to rise.

"Calm down, princess." his arm hugged around my waist, his hand resting at the end of my dress. "You might wanna slow down on those lines."

"Where's the fun in that?" I held my hair at the back of my head, using my free hand to keep hold of the rolled up paper.

My nostril hovered over the white lines, inhaling it in an instant. The drug burned the inside of my nose, feeling as if I had set fire to my skin. I took a sharp exhale before snorting the second line, the pain of the powder only adding to my distraction.

"Don't be greedy, Camille." the boy used his hands to move my waist, taking his round of cocaine.

He threw his head back as the substance entered his system, the discomfort on his face making me break out into laughter.

"What's funny?" he breathed, wiping the excess off his septum.

"Your- your face." I pointed towards the boy, the intoxication starting to catch up to me. "It's funny."

"I was wrong for thinking you're a Mary." Noah shook his head, finishing off the last line mid-sentence. "If anything you're a Mary Magdalene."

"Religious insults, classy." I scoffed, stumbling backwards onto my bed. "Is that what y'all call sluts at Ivy Leagues?"

"Wouldn't call you a slut."

"Oh, you respect women now? So much for comparing me to a biblical prostitute." I tilted my head toward him, his body standing close to my legs.

Every gram of coke I had taken suddenly hit me all at once, leaving me with no care for my actions. I stared at Noah for a few seconds before bringing my arms around his neck, bringing him down to face level.

Our lips connected with the help of our highs, fuelling our energy with a sudden intensity. His hands traveled to my knees, spreading them open to provide room for himself to stand. My fingers raked through his hair, keeping his face firmly on mine.

Although I knew it was Noah I was kissing, I couldn't help but think of mine and Rafe's kiss in the speakeasy. There was something about the spark between us that no drug could erase, but being with someone else made it return.

I didn't want to think of anyone but Rafe at that moment- I don't think I physically could. The thought of him was a drug in itself, and frankly one I was addicted to.

He brought me a high that couldn't be compared. No matter how much I pretended to hate him, I would always be drawn to our connection. If I couldn't have him, at least I could have the memory of his touch.

***

I felt the boy's hands move underneath my dress, snapping me back into reality. As much as I would've wanted Rafe's hands to be on me, it wasn't fair for me to string Noah along for my own benefit.

"We should stop." I tore my lips away from his, moving backwards on the bed.

"I guarantee you no one's missing us right now." his hands continued travelling further up my dress, reaching the sides of my hips.

"Noah, I'm serious."

His lips glued back onto mine, continuing to kiss me as I stayed still. Not being able to think straight, all I managed to do was continue to move myself away from him.

"Don't pussy out now. I thought you weren't a virgin."

"Get the fuck off me." my leg made contact with his stomach, pushing him away from me completely.

He dusted off his suit jacket before glancing down at me, a bitter smirk spread across his face. The look he gave me showed that he wasn't used to being rejected, his actions proving my theory.

"You do this to Rafe too? Spread your legs for him like a whore and then back out at the last minute?" he spat at me, fixing the buttons on his shirt.

"The fuck did you just call me?" I scoffed, sitting up on the bed.

"You're a coked up whore, Camille. No wonder your little boyfriend found some other bitch overnight."

I looked up at the boy with pure disgust, his words completely repulsing me of any attraction I ever felt for him. Whether it was just the drugs he was on or if he acted like this when sober, I knew I wanted him out of my sight in an instant.

"Listen, it's Midsummers tomorrow. Either you show up with me and stay quiet for the whole night, or I tell the whole island about you and Rafe's little fling. Can't wait to see the reaction on the faces of your dirty Pogue friends when they find out you've been slumming it with a Kook."

Noah's threat made my stomach turn over, making me want to throw up with each word that came out of his mouth. His actions today were awful enough, I didn't want to even think of attending Midsummers with him.

"Why would you want to be seen with me anyway?" I asked, trying to plead my way out of his blackmail.

"You're a pretty face. Pogue or not, it's better to have any escort than none. Plus, I can't lie and say that seeing Rafe jealous doesn't bring me joy."

"You're fucking disgusting." I shouted, standing up from the bed.

"It's your choice." he winked, walking out of the bedroom.

***

I fell back into my mattress at the sound of the door closing. The past few moments left me completely numb, both from the drugs and Noah's behaviour. I closed my eyes as I took a series of deep breaths, trying to steady myself.

The sound of a muffled argument interrupted my focus, not allowing me to compose myself in the slightest. My eyes screwed tighter, fighting back the tears that had started to surface.

I thought back to all the events that put me in this position; the night at The Wreck, the Boneyard party, the day I got fired, May's accident, moving into Tannyhill, the night on the mainland, and today.

Over the span of 2 weeks, my life had turned upside down. All the happy moments I had over these days seemed to lose their value, since all I could think about was how insufferable my life had become.

I had lost my job, almost lost my mom, and lost touch with my friends.

On top of everything, I lost the last hope of happiness I had.

Rafe.

It was pathetic of me to find happiness in him anyway, but there was just something about us that I couldn't let go of. Knowing he had probably taken everything we had and reused it with Amelia made me question how special I was to him, yet somehow I still didn't want to forget that night.

I had thought that getting with Noah would lead to getting over whatever I felt towards Rafe, but it ended up working the opposite way.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" his voice sounded in the room, a short wind following as the door swung open.

His presence came like clockwork, almost as if I had thought it into existence. I wiped my eyes before sitting up on the bed, seeing him standing in the open doorway.

"What a way to make an entrance." I joked, trying to mask my tears. "None of you Cameron boys know how to knock?"

"Since when are you fucking my cousin?" he continued shouting.

"Rafe—"

"Answer the question, Camille!" his hand made contact with the bedroom wall, a few picture frames falling down at the impact. "Since when are you fucking Noah?"

"The fuck is your problem? So you can bring that bitch over but the second I even breathe the same air as another boy, you go ballistic?"

"I saw him leaving your room." his voice cracked.

"Well done, you have eyes."

"Did you fuck him?" he repeated the question for the third time, tears starting to streak down my cheeks.

I was disgusted because of what had just happened as it was, and the last thing I needed for my sanity was Rafe screaming at me over it. I stared back at the boy, my vision glossed due to my bloodshot eyes.

"God dammit, Camille. Did you fuck him or not?" he hit the wall again, a sob escaping my lips.

"You're scaring me, Rafe."

He went silent as he stared back at me, his face dropping once he noticed the fact that I had completely broken down into tears. I sobbed quietly, looking emptily into his eyes.

I had never been so scared of him before. Hearing him yell about Noah only resurfaced the fear I felt when he wouldn't get off me, and his anger wasn't helping me deal with the situation.

I stayed paralysed on the bed, the only noise heard in the room being that of my sobs. My emotional wall broke down, any fear of vulnerability I had disappearing in a matter of a few moments. Shutting my eyes, I allowed every last tear to flood my face.

3 short footsteps sounded before Rafe's arms wrapped around me, his hands holding on to the side of my head. He pulled me into his chest, resting his chin on top of my hair.

My sobs became muffled as I cried into his body, the comfort allowing me to release every pent up emotion. He placed a soft kiss on the top of my head, wrapping his arms tighter around my body.

We stayed in that position for what felt like hours. He kept me close to him until I had cried out as much as I could, ensuring I wasn't alone after tonight's events. No matter how much the sight of him and another girl hurt me, I was reminded that he truly cared for me.

His hands moved my face up to look at him, our glossed eyes linking instantly. The pads of his thumbs trailed over my tear-stained cheeks, wiping away any final droplets. I kept my focus glued on his face, not being able to see any trace of his previous anger.

Having discarded all my fury towards him, all I was left with was an unfamiliar feeling in my gut. He made me feel this way almost every time he touched me, but I still couldn't pinpoint what that feeling was. It felt like a mix of nerves and excitement, thrill and anger.

Hatred and lust.

"What have you done to me, Rafe?"