I can't do this

Mallory

I couldn't keep it. Mammy said she didn't want ending up like her and this..

This was the icing on the cake.

She's gonna be so disappointed.

She'll probably never speak to me again.

Serena's grip on my knee tightened. "Mal..."

I shook my head, blinking back tears. "She'll hate me." My voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. "She told me she didn't want me ending up like her, and now look." I let out a shaky laugh, but there was nothing funny about it.

Serena's face softened. "Your mam loves you, Mal. Yeah, she might be mad, but she's not gonna hate you."

I wasn't so sure about that.

"She'll never look at me the same again." My voice cracked. "I don't even know if I can tell her."

Serena sighed, rubbing my back. "Then don't. Not yet. You don't have to do anything right now except breathe, okay?"

I exhaled shakily, nodding.

But the thought wouldn't leave my head.

I couldn't keep it.

I couldn't tell my mam.

And I couldn't tell Kian.

Because if I did...

I might lose them both.

Serena stayed with me the rest of the night. We slept at mine and didn't talk about it again, but I knew she was watching me, making sure I didn't completely fall apart.

I barely slept. Every time I closed my eyes, my mind raced—what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to hide this?

By the time morning came, I felt like a ghost. I moved through the motions of getting ready for school, but nothing felt real.

At breakfast, Mam gave me a strange look. "You look wrecked, sweetie."

I shrugged, pushing my food around my plate. "Didn't sleep great."

AJ snorted. "Maybe if you weren't up texting your fella all night—"

"Shut up, AJ," I muttered, my stomach twisting.

He just smirked, shoveling cereal into his mouth.

Mam's eyes lingered on me for another second before she turned back to her tea. "Well, don't be falling asleep in class. You've exams coming up."

Exams.

Right. Like that even mattered now.

I left the house without saying much else, but as soon as I stepped outside, I felt my chest tighten.

Kian was waiting at the gate, hands stuffed in his pockets, that lopsided grin on his face when he saw me.

My heart clenched.

How was I supposed to look at him and act normal when I had the biggest secret of my life hanging over me?

I forced a smile as I walked up to him, but I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

Kian frowned slightly, tilting his head. "Y'alright, princess?"

"Yeah," I said too quickly. "Just tired."

His gaze lingered on me, like he didn't quite believe it, but he didn't push. Instead, he slung an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side as we started walking.

"Tired from what?" he teased. "Thinkin' about me all night?"

Normally, I'd roll my eyes and fire something back, but I couldn't even manage that. My stomach felt like it was in knots.

Kian must've noticed, because his grip on me tightened slightly. "You sure you're okay?"

I nodded quickly. "Just a lot on my mind."

That wasn't a lie.

We reached school, and the second we stepped inside, Serena caught my eye from across the hallway. She gave me a look, one that said Have you told him yet?

I quickly looked away.

Kian didn't notice. He was too busy messing with Dean, throwing a playful shove at him as we headed toward our lockers.

I swallowed hard.

I had to tell him.

I just didn't know how.

The day dragged on, every second heavier than the last. I barely heard a word my teachers said, barely processed anything outside of the pounding in my head. My hands were shaking, my stomach twisting, and no amount of deep breathing could settle me.

Serena kept throwing me worried glances, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I wasn't ready to talk about it. Saying it out loud would make it real.

And I wasn't ready for it to be real.

At lunch, I sat with my tray in front of me, untouched. Kian was beside me, laughing at something Dean had said, completely unaware of the storm in my head. His hand was resting on my knee under the table, his touch light, absentminded. Normally, it would settle me.

Now, it just made my chest tighten.

I needed to get out of here.

The second the bell rang, I was on my feet, mumbling something about needing air before slipping out of the cafeteria. I could feel Kian's eyes on me, but I didn't stop.

I barely made it to the back of the school before I felt his hand wrap gently around my wrist, stopping me.

"Mal," Kian said, his voice softer than usual. "What's goin' on with you?"

I swallowed hard, my back still to him. "Nothin'."

"Don't give me that." He tugged lightly, and I let him turn me to face him. His brows were furrowed, his gaze scanning my face. "You've been off all day."

I exhaled shakily, willing myself to just say it.

But I couldn't.

I felt my eyes sting, and before I could stop myself, I stepped forward, burying my face in his chest. His arms came around me instantly, his hold firm, steady.

"Mal," he murmured, his chin resting on top of my head. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

I gripped the back of his hoodie, squeezing my eyes shut.

I had to tell him.

I just didn't know how.