i have no more tears to sacrifice

I walked through the store, finishing some school shopping for senior year. The school year's end was rapidly approaching so I decided to finish my shopping before back to school rolls around again. I used my allowance and the money I earned from the porridge shop. I put a couple blouses and skirts into my shopping bag, and also stuffed more black and white tights and a new pair of black flats for school. I paid the cashier and walked out, paper bag in hand. I went into a supplies store and bought some notebooks and new pens and pencils. I walked out and sighed. I fixed my hat and my long coat. My dark-brown heeled boots clicked against the cobblestone road as many teenagers went by going in the arcades and toy stores. I began walking home, hands in my pockets when I spotted two familiar faces. I turned my head and my heart cringed. It was those two again. Yi-Jeong and his fiancé. I stared at them as the girl clung to him joyfully. She pointed out many stores and they seemed to have a good time. She acted so lady-like. Like I could ever compete with her. I turned my head back around hesitantly and bumped into a man.

"My apologies." I quickly said. He held my shoulders and I looked up.

"Ji-Hoo," I paused and pointed at his hair.

"You really cut it." I mumbled. He smiled, brighter than ever. I smiled happily and he turned me back around by the shoulders. My heels didn't agree with him.

"Sunbae, what are you doing?" I asked. He swung and arm around me and we began walking back to the city of shops.

"What a better way to show off my haircut then to walk where there are many people." He whispered into my ear. I rolled my eyes playfully and smiled.

"Whatever," I said. He chuckled and pulled me closer.

"You're finally starting to come back."

My expression softened.

Maybe I am.

We went into many shops and even until the evening. My hands didn't feel cold once. He even brought me to the lake to look at the reflection of the night sky. I loved every minute of it. We were sitting on the park bench now, not even talking but just admiring. I looked at all the couples passing by and couldn't help but be a little jealous. I decided to start conversation.

"Yi-Jeong's fiancé is really nice." I whispered. He looked at me and glanced off.

"Have you met her?" I nodded.

"She's beautiful too. She's so lady-like; probably an even better potter." I said.

"You're not sad right?" He asked. I was about to say more but his question caught me off guard. After a while I answered.

"No. I'm just frustrated I guess." I muttered.

"Frustrated?"

"It just seems like no matter what happens, I can't compete with all the other rich people here. I am always trying to be myself, but women and girls like that just make me feel so weird, like I'm not meeting their standards as a female." I said. It might've sounded ridiculous but I didn't care.

"You're perfect." I scoffed and looked down.

"Right. And you're the most perfect man ever." He grabbed my hand gently.

"No matter what you think you are you are still Seung So-Young to me. Whenever someone says your name I always think of the strong-willed, intelligent, and humble girl I have always admired. In my eyes, you are one-of-a-kind."

I stayed quiet.

My hand trembled under his.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I don't know if I can keep lying to myself. I keep saying that Yi-Jeong and his wife are a great couple, but I know I'm lying. For the only reason to make myself seem like a better person. I know I'm not saying it right to his face but," I paused and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I still love him."

"So-Young."

"I keep telling myself that I'm so worthy to be the love of a rich guy, but I'm not. I shouldn't have ever come to Shinhwa. Then I wouldn't have to have gone through this," I muttered into his coat. He hugged me tightly.

"I want to let go. It seems so easy but when I actually do it it seems impossible."

"I am always by your side. Please remember that."

"What's going to happen when he's gone?" He hugged me tighter.

"Don't cry. Yi-Jeong wouldn't want you to."

"Sunbae," I paused and wiped my tears.

"Help me." I whimpered.

"Shh," He rubbed my back.

'I wish things would just be how they were always. I didn't know you, and you boys didn't know me. It would've saved me my lake of tears,' I thought.

But here I am, crying into my first love, while my true one is spending time with  his fiance.

I winced.

The next day I decided to take a walk early. It was even right before sunset. I didn't even know where I was walking. I just wanted to get away, if that were ever possible. When I came to a stop to look at the sunset, I hands covered my eyes. I figured it was Ji-Hoo again. But I knew it wasn't. I grasped the hands tightly and took them off my eyes.

"Yi-Jeong." No answer. I hesitantly turned around and revealed a tired-looking boy. I wanted to hug him so tight, so hard that he couldn't breathe. I wanted to kiss him, to make him forget about his life alike mine, so we could just run away together. Oh how much I wanted to just say I loved him, and cry into his chest once again. All my regrets came full circle.  He stayed quiet and wrapped his arms around me.

"Why?"

"Why have you hurt me so much that I don't even have anymore tears to sacrifice?" He nuzzled his nose in my hair.

"To protect you." I stayed quiet.

"I did it all to make sure you were safe. To make sure I wouldn't hurt you in a way without any excuses."

"What are you talking about," I mumbled.

"I went out with those girls, because I knew if I spent time with you that night, I would've abused your body, your heart. So I took it out on those mindless women." I stepped far enough so we were a few feet away. I stood with my scarf flying through the breezy wind and my hands out of my pockets.

"He told me the news that night. He told me that if I didn't marry someone successful, then he would do something that I could never fix. He would've hurt you." He said. I felt like vomiting. This all came too fast. I held back my tears. He continued on.

"I don't want to get married. I didn't want to choose her! Do you know how it feels to marry someone who already broke your heart?" He shouted to me. I sighed and looked at him, tears clouding in my eyes.

"Do you know how it feels to constantly have an empty void in your life, because you saw your lover out with other women? Do you know how it feels to wait for them, just to find out they ditched you? So Yi-Jeong!" I shouted. His jaw clenched.

"Do you remember what you told me that day at the airport?" He stayed quiet.

"You told me if you conceal your feelings, how will they know if you actually mean it? It's the same as not caring for them. If you truly love them and are willing to do what's right for them, then you'd show your care wouldn't you?" I said.

"If you did love me, how come you didn't tell me the truth? Are you sure I wasn't a distraction!?" I screamed, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"That's all you and your friends do huh? Hurt the women you love? Because from what I've seen, you're only true talent is breaking girl's hearts. A habit that'll never go away." I then started running when he grabbed my wrist. He turned me around and grabbed my face.

"Do you remember what you asked me, that day? You asked if  it was okay for people to conceal their feelings to ensure the happiness of another. You asked me and I gave you an answer. I said it's not the same for caring for them, because I did. But I said you are willing to do what's right for them, didn't I? I would give anything to make you happy. Why can't you understand that?" His eyes became watery. I clenched my teeth and let the tears spill out. I then began feeling light-headed and fell into his chest.

"I hate you so much. . ." I whispered. But then, everything went black.