Chapter 15

The walk up the stairs seems longer than usual. After stepping out the car I immediately question my decision. Is this where I want to be? Maybe it’s not where I want to be but it’s where I need to be.

I plop on down on Adrienne’s bed and wait for her to bring me the bottle of wine.

Michael sits down on the opposite side, resting against the headboard. Adrienne hands him a bottle of beer as she places the two wine glasses down on her nightstand.

“No glass” I whine. “Just give me the bottle.”

“Shane, we have some class” she scolds me.

“No we don’t” I shoot back, grabbing the bottle from her and ripping the cork out. Ah, I love the sound it makes when it pops open.

I press the bottle to my lips and take a big gulp. “Sorry” I say to Michael with a shrug.

“For what?” he asks like he has no idea what I could possibly be apologizing for.

“Ruining your night with Adrienne. The mess your room will be in tomorrow…”

“It’s not your fault my roommate’s a dick.”

After Ashton asked me to come inside and talk to him I seriously debated getting out of the car and doing just that. Maybe he had a good explanation for not showing up. But it’s Ashton and I know he’ll sweet-talk his way out of it. I had to stop letting him win. So if I got out of the car I would be doing just that.

So I told Adrienne to drive off. As I looked out the back window I saw was Ashton standing there like a lost puppy. Quickly that face was replaced by red cheeks and clenched teeth as he slammed his fist on the trunk of a car sure to leave a dent.

“I’m proud of you” Adrienne nudges my arm.

“Me?” I laugh. “I’m proud of you. The way you went off on Ashton. Thanks by the way.”

“I know you would do it for me.”

I nod my head in agreement. Even the most of the time when either of us suffers a heartbreak we turn to wine and girly movies. There’s been a few times I went off on her exes but we just try to be there for each other to pick up the pieces.

“Can we order please? I’m starving” Michael complains. It wasn’t until he said it that my stomach started growling. I need to get some food in me so that I’m not too hung over tomorrow for class.

“What do you want Shane?” Michael asks.

“Chinese. Pizza. Calories. Carbs.” Might as well eat my feelings and drink until I’m numb.

After what seems like the longest half hour of my life, there is a knock at the door.

“Food!” Michael cheers with excitement, practically running towards the door. “You are not the pizza delivery person” he says and looks back at me. I instantly know what he means.

“Let me in” Ashton demands.

“I can’t” Michael sighs, shaking his head.

“Please” his voice is softer now. “I just want to talk to her.”

“Just go back to the room. When she’s ready, she’ll talk.”

“She can speak for herself.”

In order to keep a physical fight breaking out for no reason, I push myself off the bed and walk to the living room. Adrienne would kill me if there was blood on the carpet or her television was shattered to pieces.

I don’t say anything as I walk towards him. The first thing I notice, like always, is the dry blood on his fist – either from the car or he continued to pound his fist into the brick on the building. He has dark circles around his eyes and he’s visibly upset.

My first instinct is to wrap my arms around him and forget this ever happened. For some reason beyond my control I have strong feelings for him. He’s an angry person with an uncontrollable temper. He’s forward and direct and it’s something I’m not used to. He lives life without a care. Maybe that’s what attracted me to him.

I get wild here and there but I care what everyone thinks of me, most of the time. I know my actions have consequences so I think of others before doing or saying anything. Ashton has no filter or will power. So why do I like him?

I use my better judgment. Without speaking a word, I slowly shut the door in his face. One single tear slides down my face. Michael pulls me to his chest.

“Hold it” he whispers against my hair. “Don’t let him hear you cry.” I nod my head and hold back from losing it completely.

“Fuck!” Ashton screams in the hallway and stomps down the stairs.

“I’m sorry” I apologize again. “I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“Will you stop apologizing?” Michael stares down at me.

“I’m sor-, you’re right.” I wipe my face of any tears or mascara that may have run down my cheeks. “It’s time to get over him.”

“That’s the spirit!” Adrienne calls from across the room. “At least you got out before things got serious. Actually” she puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head. “I don’t think Ashton would ever get serious. With anyone.”

I know she was only trying to make me feel better but it stung worse. Thinking about it, Ashton isn’t the kind of guy to settle down. I’m not that naïve. I know I’m not going to be the girl he changes his way for.

But he was starting to become serious. Or he had the potential too if he wasn’t stubborn or scared – whatever reason some guys are afraid to commit.

He drove all the way to my home just to apologize. He spent the weekend with my family and he was nothing but polite. If he honestly didn’t feel anything for me then he would have been his usually obnoxious, rude self. He wouldn’t care if my mom took a liking to him, which she did.

I believed his apology. He told me I was never nothing to him. There is only so much I can take of him playing with my heart before I have to walk away. Maybe being stood up was the final straw but I knew deep down it wasn’t.

Already all I want to do is walk back to campus and crawl in his bed. If it weren’t for Adrienne I would do just that.

“Are you going to eat that?” Michael looks down at my uneaten piece of pizza. I’ve been so lost in my own head that I didn’t realize it was getting cold.

I push the plate towards him and he snorts out a laugh. “You have to eat Shane.”

I nod and pick up the cold slice, taking a large bite out of it and chasing it down with a large gulp of wine.

“You know… I’ve never been stood up before” I say matter-of-factly. Not once. Not in high school where guys tend to me a little more flaky.

“That’s cause Ashton is the only one dumb enough to” Adrienne adds.

“You have to give him a break” Michael says to her.

“I will not” she fires back.

I don’t want my problems with Ashton to come between them. I feel like since they’ve started dating all their arguments have been over Ashton and I. Michael is on my side sometimes but he still defends his friend. I expect that. I’m okay with that. I wish she were too.

Because if I were the one to fuck up I would want Adrienne to be angry with me, not Ashton but if Michael said anything bad about me I hope she would defend me too. I know she would so she needs to understand where Michael is coming from and not attack him for defending his friend.

“I’ve known Ashton since high school. I hated him at first. We all did.”

I shouldn’t ask questions but out of my own curiosity I have to. “What changed?”

“After he slammed Luke into a locker and busted his lip we stopped hanging around him. Everyone needs friends no matter how much they pretend they don’t need anyone. He eventually told us all the shit he went through. He’s had a tough life.”

“What happened?” I ask.

Michael shakes his head. “That’s not my place to say.”

“I think you should stay away from him” Adrienne speaks up. She only wants what’s best for me. It kills her to see me hurting but I can’t get over Ashton as easily as I got over other guys in my past.

“I agree” Michael says and I’m shocked. “But… he does live with us and you should always feel welcome at our room.”

********

It’s been days since I’ve seen Ashton. I take the long way down the hall so I don’t risk passing him when heading for the staircase. I know where some of his classes are so I try to get to the building early so I don’t bump into him.

It shouldn’t be like this but I know the minute I see him I’ll either break down or start apologizing to have him back in my life. And I have nothing to apologize for. He should be groveling at my feet.

Secretly I wish he would. I think that when he showed up at Adrienne’s apartment and I shut the door that was it for him. He’s not going to put much more effort into it. He’s probably already found some other girl to mess around with and turn her life upside down.

“Hey you” a familiar voice says. I snap my head in that direction and see Nathan jogging towards me. He’s a sweet guy that made me feel a little wanted while I was waiting for Ashton to show up at the restaurant.

He’s wearing a plain blue t-shirt and jeans. Completely different then his fancy waiter uniform. He has light brown hair and green eyes. He resembles Ashton a little. I guess I have a type.

“Hi” I greet him.

“Didn’t think I would see you again.”

“I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t” I admit. I curse myself in my head when I realize how rude that was but it’s not how I meant it.

“Ouch” he huffs.

“The other night was so embarrassing. I was hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone who was there.”

“Well I’m glad I ran into you” he smiles at me with her perfect white teeth. I return the smile as we walk in the direction of my next class.

“So Nathan Reilly, what’s your major?”

“Business, yours?”

“Fashion.” He laughs and nods his head. “That obvious, huh?”

“Only fashion majors wear heels to school.”

“These are wedges” I defend. And they go nicely with my outfit. Plus some girls like to dress up that doesn’t mean they are all fashion majors.

As were walking I notice Ashton walking towards us, probably on his way to the cafeteria. He’s with Luke and they are both looking really good. Ashton is in a tank top, showing off his muscles and jeans with sunglasses covering his eyes. Luke’s hair is pushed up. He’s wearing tight black skinny jeans and a t-shirt. They both look like models walking down the runway.

“Hey guys” I say, trying not to make things awkward.

“Hi Shane” Luke leans down to place a kiss on my cheek. Ashton blows out some air that makes his hair on his forehead fly up. He completely ignores me as he pulls Luke away. “I’ll text you later” Luke says.

They are gone by the time I can say anything back.

“So that’s the guy” Nathan states.

“Yup. That’s him.”

“Lucky you have me tonight” he grins. I give him a puzzling look, confused as to what he just said. My plans for tonight were to sit in my room alone and finish off a carton of ice cream. “Dinner’s on me. I’ll move some plans around.”

Oh. He’ll move some plans around so I won’t feel like a pathetic loser as I watch Titanic for the twelfth time this week so I can remind myself that my life isn’t that bad.

“How charming of you” I smirk.

————-

After class I call up Adrienne. She’s in Michael’s room and promises me that Ashton is not there.

I want to tell her all about Nathan and my plans for tonight. Maybe this is the step in the right direction – making the first move to get over Ashton. Nathan seems like a great guy and deserves a chance.

Adrienne squeals when I tell her the news. She’s happy for me. She already likes Nathan more than Ashton.

“Do you even know him?” Luke asks out of nowhere.

“What?” I crane my head in his direction. I don’t know much about Nathan but that’s why they call it dating – you get to know someone.

“I’m just saying that you don’t want to get hurt again. It sounds like you really like this guy.”

“I do not” I shoot back. Okay, I can see myself liking him but that doesn’t mean I feel anything towards him yet. He’s kind and sweet and nice to stare at.

“He’s nice and he’s not Ashton” I add.

“There are plenty of guys like that” Luke argues. I don’t know what he’s getting so worked up about.

“But all the nice ones are taken” I pout and throw myself on the couch next to him.

“Not all of them” he turns towards me, a smile playing across his lips.

“And by my roommates” I remind him.

“I am not with Danielle” he defends himself.

“How do you know I was talking about you?” I narrow my eyes in on him. He pulls me closer and starts tickling my sides.

“So that’s how it is?” he laughs as he continues my attack. “Calum!” he calls. “Shane’s in love with you” he teases and I hit him in the stomach. He lets out a loud ‘oof’.

“I’m going to be late” I fight my way out of Luke’s arms. Just between you and me, I really don’t want to. I can’t describe what I feel towards Luke. It’s completely different than what I feel towards Ashton. I don’t think Ashton and I would ever get into situations when we are laughing so hard our stomachs start to hurt. Is he even capable of laughing?

I’m so comfortable around Luke though. Luke is the guy I turn to for advice or simply just to talk to. We get a long so easily and I enjoy his company. I won’t lie, I’ve thought about what it would be like to kiss him and date him. Honestly if it weren’t for Ashton I might have pursued Luke.

But Ashton. I get a rush when I’m with him. He makes me feel alive. They say there’s a thin line between love and lust.

If you take away his anger problem, I’m in complete awe of him. His features are flawless. I’m fully drawn to him. Even if his feelings don’t match mine, I know the sexual passion and lust he has for me is equal.

“I still don’t think you should go out with that guy” Luke says before I leave the room.

“What do you have against him?”

“I’ve heard things. Just know that you’ve been warned.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. He’s heard things? I’ve been warned? Can Nathan really be worse than Ashton? What could Luke possibly have meant?

After dinner, I find out exactly what Luke meant. How I didn’t see it is beyond me. I’m usually good with that.

The dinner went well. He was polite and kept complimenting me. I was blushing all throughout the night.

It wasn’t until he asked me to go to a party that the truth came out.

“Who’s party is it?” I ask him because I don’t want to run into anyone I know – mostly Ashton.

“My boyfriend’s” he answers.

“If you don’t mind just dropping me off back at the dorms, I’m tired.”

I won’t lie – I had high hopes for tonight. I’m not mad at Nathan for not telling me he was gay because he didn’t have to tell me. He was trying to be a good guy cheering up a girl when she’s upset.

I was looking forward to kissing those soft lips of his but that wasn’t going to happen. I really thought Nathan was going to be the one to get my mind off Ashton.

But if I’m being honest the entire time I was thinking about Ashton. I was wondering what he was doing. How he was feeling. I hope he’s just as miserable as me even though I know that isn’t the case.

As soon as Nathan drops me off at my dorm building, I head straight for the bus stop. I text Adrienne to meet me at O’Malley’s for some shots. If another guy can’t get my mind of Ashton, than vodka can.

After almost two hours and eight shots later I am ready to pass out. I tell Adrienne that I’m fine and I can make it back to campus alone.

I drag myself up the stairs and head straight for Luke’s room. I swing the door open. “You were right Luke! He’s ga-” I stop myself from finishing that sentence when I realize I’m in the wrong room. Or the right room but there is strange looking people here.

Ashton grabs me by my arm and forces me into the hallway. “What the hell are you doing?” he snaps.

“Looking for Luke.”

“Luke?!” he barks. I don’t owe him an explanation nor is he getting one. He can think whatever he wants. “Wrong floor” he growls. “And what did I tell you?” he continues on. “You need to stop going in random rooms. Someone could take advantage of you” he yells and tears threaten to form in my eyes.

“Why do you care?” I scream back at him.

“God damn it Shane!” He punches the wall on the side of my head. “Don’t be difficult right now. Just go upstairs and go back to your room.”

Maybe it was the alcohol talking or I just missed him. “Only if you come with me” I say flirtatiously.

He bites his lips and shakes his head. “I can’t Shane” he breathes out, his forehead falling against mine.

“Well then I’ll hang out in here with you” I say taking a step back towards the room.

He pulls me back harder than before. “Those guys are dangerous” he says lowly. “If anything happens to you, I don’t – I don’t know what I’ll do.”

All I heard from what he said is that he doesn’t want something to happen to me. “So you do care about me?” I smile up at him.

He lets out a loud huff. “Shane, please. I need you to go.” He is starting to beg now.

Against my better judgment, I ignore him and push my way back into the room. Around a table there are three large men. One of the guys is around our age but the other two look to be around 30 years old. What is Ashton doing hanging around them?

They are all so serious that I can’t help but laugh. “Lighten up” I joke.

One of the men stands up and wraps his arms tightly around my shoulders. It wasn’t until then that I was terrified. My heart starts to beat out of my chest and he can tell just how nervous I am.

“Now what do we do with her?” he turns to the other men in the room. It reminds me of a scene from The Sopranos. This is the part where they murder me for seeing or hearing something. I swear I didn’t see or hear anything.

“I’ll take care of her” Ashton says through his teeth, pulling me away from the man’s grip and holding me against his side.

“Do you know her?” another man smiles and it sends a chill up my spine. He is covered in tattoos and missing a tooth. He has a scruff and is playing with a knife in his hand.

“Of course not. She’s just some drunk girl that walked into the wrong room. I got this” Ashton explains to them. Sobering up, I realize I should just keep my mouth shut and do as he says. I trust him.

“Where are you going so fast?” the man who is missing a tooth asks. “We can have fun with this one.”

“And when we’re done with her you can have her” the guy who was holding me adds. I want to yell at them for being sexist, degrading pigs but I know that will only get me in more trouble.

Ashton is trying to control his anger as the men talk more and more about what they would like to do with me. It’s making me sick and I know Ashton is two seconds away from going postal on these guys.

He forces me out of the room and up the stairs. He is angry and taking long, loud breaths.

“You can let go of me now” I say and he loosens his grip on my hand before dropping it completely.

We stop at my door and I unlock it. I expect him to walk away but he follows me into my room. Might as well use this time to get answers. God knows when I’ll talk to him again.

“What was that about?”

“You look nice” is all he says to me.

“No, don’t do that” I argue. “Don’t try to change the subject. Who were those guys?”

“Just some old friends. Don’t worry about it.”

“They wanted to kill me” I shout at him.

“Get over yourself” he scoffs. “They weren’t going to kill you.”

“But you said-”

“What did I say?”

“Forget it. Have a good night.” I crawl into my bed and cover myself with the blankets.

“Are you okay?” he asks barely above a whisper. If the room wasn’t so quiet I wouldn’t have heard it.

“I’m fine. You can show yourself out” I say to Ashton as he still standing in the doorway.

“Is that what you really want? For me to leave?” he questions.

“Yes” I answer without missing a beat. With a heavy sigh I hear my door shut and then the common room door shut.