A HEART I CAN'T HAVE

Song recommendation: Afraid by The neighborhood.

Warning: suicide attempt..

Seungmin eyes were focused on the small metal zip as his slender fingers held on it, Soon he pull the zip to close the back pack filled with books, Then afterwards pulling the heavy bag up to his shoulder letting it hang down from there.

The boy brushed through his brunette hair for one last time as the puppy like boy turns towards his roommate who was waiting for seungmin, all ready to go before the brunette.

"Let's go."

Seungmin tells his older friend hyunjin who nods his head. The brunette walks up to the door, opening it and after both of them exits outside he turns around to close their dorm room. Entering the key in to the key hole and locking it close then shoving the key in to one of his backpack pocket.

The dorm hallway was left cold, The rain happening outside harshly and the echoing sounds of it filled both hyunjin's and seungmin's ears as they wait for jeongin.

The brunette had his eyes transfixed on to the blue head's dorm room waiting for the younger to step out of his room anytime soon.. After waiting for a while the brown wooden door was opened and entered outside the blue head.

Seungmin felt his lips curving in to a big smile, his eyes awaiting to met with jeongin's smiling face which was the best sight to see every morning as he walk out of his room but...Jeongin's smile.. they were no where to be seen, Seungmin's smile dropped, heart clenching tightly as he got the glimpse of the boy's face.

Jeongin..He looked drastically different, He had eye bags, Eyes red from crying or beacuse of the lack of sleep, His hair a mess and he was wearing a random black t-shirt and black sweat pants, his outfits showed no effort and it was very new of jeongin as the boy always made sure to dress up nice but today he looked like a whole different person..

The boy's lips were dry and kept in a thin line, His long eyes never averting up to seungmin or hyunjin but kept fixed on to the floor as he walk past them without giving any attention to hyunjin who called out for him. Seungmin was too surprised to even spit a word out, He just watched the blue head walk away, Soon disappearing out of his sight..

They can't completely say that they didn't see this coming.. They were definitely noticing the change in Jeongin's behaviour from the past weeks. He was changing, They barely saw the bright smile of the boy, They barely even heard him speak..Everytime when they asked what happened the boy would say it's nothing and would pretend to be okay..But everyone know he wasn't and seungmin especially knew something really bad was going on with him but whatever done they never get the boy to open up his heart to them.

And today he wasn't even pretending, He just straight up showed his broken self, His eyes showed that he was crying..And seungmin felt himself wanting to know what was the reason..He wanted to know who or what was hurting the boy this much.

"He is not okay...There is no use in calling for him..He won't listen nor he would stop.."

Seungmin says as he put one of his hand up at hyunjin's shoulder, Stopping the older from chasing the blue head. Hyunjin turn to face seungmin who held a serious expression over his face.

"What is happening to him..? Do you know if it is anything because of his dad?"

Seungmin shook his head a no as he says.

"As far as I know nothing like that has happened and even if it was the case he would not be this afraid to tell us..He was always open about his family issues to us, So I don't really think it's the case."

Seungmin says making hyunjin to heave a sigh. The atmosphere fell silent as millions of the thoughts rushed in to both hyunjin's and seungmin's head. They both were really worried for the younger.. It hurted so bad to see him in a state like this.

Reaching school they didn't even got enough time to go search for jeongin as the bell has rung but seungmin did notice the boy sitting on his own seat as he pass by his class, His head was hung low but seungmin definitely saw that the blue head was looking at him.. he was obvious about the fact that both seungmin and hyunjin were panicking because of him.

But his eyes showed no sign of emotions as it stared right at seungmin, Almost piercing through his body.

Throughout the whole classes seungmin only had jeongin on his mind, The moments from the morning kept flashing inside his head, The way he looked at him kept flickering inside his head. The boy eyes stared down at his notebook noticing how he have not taken any notes, Just the tip of the pencil pressed against the paper, It was pressed so harshly against it making the lid of the pencil to break off.

The bell rang, seungmin didn't wait any moment and went straight to Jeongin's class in search for him but as he reached there he was met with an empty class..

He was late..

While with jeongin he was walking through the crowded hallway, all alone by himself, He held a poker face as he took steps forward, his moments were slow.. He could feel the people's shoulders bumping in to his own as he walk past them but he gave no attention to it, He could hear many greetings and people calling out his name but he ignored them all. He just walked, With his gaze fixed straight.. He gave no fuck about his surroundings, Too concentrated with his own self. The own self which he felt was breaking apart somehow..

But finally something, Something which was not a part of his own self got his attention.

"What's your favourite Australian snack?"

Hyunjin asked the silver head who looked up with confused eyes.

"Tim Tam I guess."

"Hah! Mine is you--"

"One more pick up line and I will divorce you!"

"But we are not married--"

There he saw Hyunjin and Felix and walking side by side.. Jeongin stopped on his track until the pair was far away from him, A way to avoid them noticing him.

But as soon as he entered the cafeteria he was caught, Even forced to sit down with the others. Seungmin sat beside him but he luckily never spoke, Which was pretty surprising.. In the table he saw seungmin, Jisung, Hyunjin and felix...They tried to talk to jeongin and tried to make him join the conversation but the boy just kept silent.

Felix frowned his eyebrows together as he saw jeongin's state, He even notice seungmin staring at him but they never spoke.

Felix carefully placed his hand on top of Jeongin's on the table making the younger to flinch away, Withdrawing his hand away from Felix grasp. Felix eyes widen as he apologized.

"I am sorry-- but what happened? Are you okay?"

The Australian asked the blue head who just stared at him without spitting a word out.. But after a while he nod his head forcing himself to give the silver head a smile. But that smile wasn't very convincing Felix to believe it..

Jeongin stared down at his food bringing his chopsticks to pick up his food, then slowly averting his gaze upwards.. but then he felt himself stopping on his track, He felt his whole body feeling stiff. The boy's eyes fell over hyunjin, The long haired male was staring at him with worried eyes... He felt the pain in his heart increasing so badly, His own beating heart was the only thing he could hear as every other single voices around himstarted fainting away.. The boy felt his breath started getting heavier soon it was getting hard to breath, The blue head hung his head down, tears filling up his eyes and it was noticed by seungmin only, as for others his hair covered it up.

Seungmin's eyes widen at the sight but before he could spit out a word the sound of the chair screeching echoes through out the whole cafeteria, All the boy's present at the table gazed up at Jeongin who still had his head hung low, His hair covering his face.

"I don't feel so good...I will be heading out to the washroom.."

And with that said the boy was almost running out of the cafeteria, everyone looked at eachother confused and worried. But seungmin's eyes just stayed on jeongin as he also stood up on his feet.

"I will go check up on him."

With that said the brunette also left the cafeteria.

Jeongin rushes inside one of the bathroom stalls, then slam closing the door as he locked himself inside. The blue head leaned his back against the door, His eyes, They stare ahead at the white blank wall but then he felt his vision getting blurry, His body starting to shake.. The boy felt his legs getting weaker and weaker and finally it lost its whole strength making him fall on to his knees.

Tears left his red eyes for the nth time, It drip down his flushed cheeks.. Sobs left his mouth but he tried to hold it back, The boy soon was pressing the palms of his hands against his mouth to stop making noises. He sat down on the floor, throwing his head back against the door behind him.. He cried hard, He cried because of the aching pain inside his heart, It hurt so bad, It almost felt like someone was trying to crush the organ in to bits.

The boy's whole face was left red, The sounds he tried to bite back was soon somehow coming out but they were muffled..He looked so broken, The non stopping tears soaking his own black t-shirt, As it drip down his neck then reaching the collars of his shirt.

Seungmin finally reached the restroom, Heavy pants left his mouth after the run he had to get here. The brunette push the door open now looking around for jeongin in the restroom, There was no one around the restroom at the moment as this restroom was mostly unused by the students.

Seungmin's footsteps resonated throughout the rest room, He called out for the younger boy, His voice soft and low yet enough for jeongin to hear.

"Jeongin.."

Then the brunette was soon stopping on his track, The sound of someone sobbing piercing in to his ears. The brunette turn to his left, His eyes falling over the door of the particular stall.

"Jeongin."

Seungmin called out, His voice now louder than earlier. Jeongin just shut his eyes close, Tears running down from the sides of his shut closed eyes.. The boy pressed his palms more hardly against his mouth, Trying to hold back the sounds but it was too late..

Seungmin knocked against the door, As he keep calling out for the younger.

"Jeongin, open the door."

First his voice was soft and careful but as time passes by seungmin was getting more worried and inpatient.

"Jeongin, please open the door!!"

The brunette yelled, his hands now banging against the door. Jeongin finally decided to give in, With his weak legs the boy stood up soon turning around to unlock the door. The sound of the door unlocking calmed seungmin down but as soon as the door revealed the sight of the blue head the normal heart beat of his was increasing.

The boy looked exhausted from all the crying.

"Jeongin..."

Seungmin called out softly as he took steps closer to the boy. Jeongin stared up at the older's eyes for a moment before breaking down again, The blue head ran in to the brunette's embrace, startling the puppy like boy.

Tears left Jeongin's eyes again as he held the older more closer. Seungmin's eyes were widen, Surprised by the whole situation but he still wrap his arms around jeongin, And caress the boy's head with one of his hand letting the boy cry in to the crook of his neck. The sound of his whimpers filled seungmin's ear, The blue head's warm tears slipping in to seungmin's neck until it was sliding down to his bare chest inside the shirt.

"What happened?..Tell me.."

Seungmin asked.

But jeongin was in no state to speak... But after a while the boy spoke, His voice hoarse and broken.

"..I-I am sorry.."

Seungmin felt his own tears filling up inside his eyes as he heard the boy's voice but he tried his best to don't cry and asked the younger again.

"For what?.."

"..For f-falling in love w-with him..I should had stopped, I should had stopped knowing h-he have only se-seen me as a friend and no-nothing more.."

The younger rambles out leaving seungmin more confused.

"Falling in love for who?..."

At that question there was a long silence filling the atmosphere but then jeongin finally spoke again..Spoke again just to leave seungmin's heart shattered in to bits.

"..for hyunjin h-hyung.."

Eyes widen again, Words stuck inside his throat, The grip he had around jeongin loosening, Soon his arms left the blue head making the younger to pull himself away from seungmin..

Jeongin wasn't able to look in to seungmin's eyes, His eyes stayed glued to the ground.

Seungmin's arms fell down to the sides of his own body, His eyes going back to its original shape, The hurt was evident inside his eyes but he tried to hide it.

"But you know he liked felix.."

"Yeah I did..But I fell in love with him even before that..And ever since I wasn't able to stop my feelings, I tried my best to push this stupid feelings away but whenever I am with him it rushes back inside...After knowing he liked Felix hyung I tried my best to stop this fucking feelings but I failed to erase it..I know I sound so fucking pathetic..And I am sorry--"

"Don't be"

Seungmin said cutting him off.

"Don't be sorry for falling in love..It's not your fault.. Feelings are like that, No matter what.. if that person have made you feel it, then even after whatever you do, You won't be able to erase those feelings..It takes times to fade.."

Seungmin tried to comfort the boy, Pushing his own feelings inside as he tried to calm the latter down, But deep inside seungmin himself was breaking apart..

''Or maybe it won't even fade.."

Seungmin whispers the last part so jeongin won't hear, he stares down at the blue head, His heart clenching tightly.

All along it was jeongin..The one person who was displeased hearing hyunjin and Felix dating..That one person who sat their heart broken at that party..He tried his best to hide it but then..

Jeongin and seungmin sat at the school rooftop, The sun slightly appearing behind the thick clouds to give them light, Cold wind brush against them both..Both of them sitting their with broken heart.. Both of them in love with someone who loves someone else.. But little do jeongin know about that, He was oblivious of seungmin's broken heart..and how he was the reason behind it.

Seungmin heaved a sigh as he spoke.

"When did all of this start?"

Jeongin avert his gaze to the brunette at that.

"From the first sight I guess..I fell for how much he took care of me through the whole training..He was always there to listen to me and to comfort me.. Even to help me.. I never felt something like this to anyone else."

Seungmin gulps a lump down at that, Humming as a response as he could not bring himself to talk without having his voice stuttering..

"But I guess I fell for a heart I can't have.. I could see he never seen me more than a friend, If something more than that.. it would be a position something like his yonger brother..He never had romantic feelings for me and I knew this damn well yet.."

Jeongin trailed off his eyes moving up to the sky which was now clear, Revealing the beaming sun..

"I continued liking him.."

Jeongin completes himself and seungmin almost felt sick, His heart was crushing, Eyes awaiting to let the tears out but he bit down his lip, Holding on for his dear life to don't break in to tears.. It hurted so bad. And hiding all of that just made it worse, He had to act like whatever jeongin was telling him wasn't piercing through his heart, Leaving it to be a bloody mess.

"I wish I could be truly happy for hyunjin and Felix hyung...Cause I can see how much they love eachother, The way they look at eachother can already explain how much they mean to eachother..They both deserves eachother, They looks so damn happy together..And I don't wanna be a reason to bring that happiness down.."

Jeongin trails off again to look back in to seungmin's eyes.

"So please..Never let them know about this..If they ask for the reason why I am like this.. act like you don't know..Let's just keep this between us.."

Seungmin nods his head.

"I wanna hear you hyung.."

"Yes, I will make sure to keep this between us.."

Jeongin smiles softly at that before standing up on his feet making seungmin to stand up too.

"I don't feel really good..I guess imma skip the other half of school.."

Jeongin says.

"Yeah..Take a break.."

Seungmin replies, Agreeing with the younger's idea.. Like that jeongin goes back to the dorm room leaving seungmin alone to be questioned by his friends, The brunette end up keeping his promise and told them he don't know..

The other half of the school day went by like that and hyunjin noticed the change in seungmin's behaviour, He looked sad..And he thought it must be because of jeongin..And yeah it was because of him but the reason was different from what hyunjin thought.

The bell rings indicating the school has come to an end but hyunjin, Felix and some others had to stay for some extra classes making seungmin to go back alone to the dorm.

The boy had his head hung low, His legs lazily dragging himself to the big building.. Finally reaching his room he decided to take a quick shower. Letting himself stand under the cold water with thousands of thoughts revolving around his head. He felt his head getting heavier with the continues thoughts crossing his mind.. But then without himself knowing the tears were slipping out of his eyes, Mixing with the water as it drip down his face. Soon enough he fell on to his knees, Crying his eyes out with the cold water running down his naked body.

Spending some time there he finally got off the shower, But his eyes were now left red and puffy.. The boy quickly wore the sweat shirt and pants as he hurried to go check up on jeongin, He didn't knew how to cover up his red eyes so he just decided to walk in like that.

The brunette reached the blue head's room now knocking over the door, But he got no response.. It was awfully silent in there as he pressed his ears against the door, Soon seungmin noticed how the door was left open so he quickly push the door open revealing an empty room.. The brunette knew wooyoung was still at school but what about jeongin?..

Thinking he maybe at the bathroom, Seungmin stepped closer to the bathroom, Knocking over the door and then checking inside and once again he was revealed to a empty room.

With a confused expression held over the puppy like boy's face he started walking out of the room, closing the door behind, and that was when he noticed one of the dorm mate walking through the hallway.

"Hey did you saw Jeongin?''

And thankfully he did. The boy told that he have seen jeongin going upstairs..

Upstairs? There is only the terrace upstairs...

Thanking the boy seungmin made his way upstairs, Rushing through the stairs as he finally got the glimpse of the door to the terrace. The brunette push against the door entering outside to the terrace, The male squint his eyes at bright sunlight which flashed over him but still looked around for the blue head.

There were no sight of the boy so he walked further in, Looking around everywhere for the familar boy..And finally he spot him..

The feeling of shock rushing through his veins was felt, His heart dropping to his stomach was also felt and both of them were because of the sight he saw before him, The brunette eyes were widen open, He felt himself stuck on his track as he stare at the sight he saw infront of him..

With jeongin earlier.

The blue head pushed opened the door to the terrace, His steps were slow and weak as he walk..And it may can be because he haven't had a single drop of water or food today..

Gulping a lump down the dry throat of his, the boy walked to the end of the terrace, gazing at the beautiful sight of the city he could see from here.. He came here to fresh up his mind, To relax under the bright sunlight and the cold breeze, It was a weird climate but the best to soothe him..

A gush of wind soon hit against him making the boy to close his eyes, He let his long hands to bury inside the pockets of his sweat pants as he stood there, The silence enveloping him.

Everything was peaceful and somewhat better but as he stood there like that another wave of something rush through his whole body, His mind flickering back to those thoughts which hurt him, He already had went through a lot..But this just drove him to the end of the cliff.. It's true, It's not very easy to live a life..

Unwanted throughts filled his crowded head, Finger curling in to a fist inside the pockets of his sweat pants, Nails digging inside the palm of his hand as his breath hitched. The boy shoot his eyes open, His face showed a suprised expression because of a certain thought that crossed his mind.. That thought..It was somewhat scary to him.. And never in his life he thought of something like that..

As time passes by jeongin felt himself loosing it, He was mentally and physically drained and it made the boy to fall on to his knees once again, His eyes started getting blurry with tears, Head starting to spin slightly, his hand roam around to grasp on to something but all he could do in the end was to press his palm flat against the ground of the terrace..

"Stop..stop..stop.."

The boy almost chanted to himself cause of that one thought which keep on haunting him, How many times he push it away it came back again and again.. Jeongin tried his best to erase it before it could take over him but in the end he failed...He fell under those thoughts feet.

The blue head felt his eyes dying dull, They become dark and lifeless.. Deep inside a voice was screaming to stop him but the boy still push himself up to his own legs.. They were wobbly but he still walk ahead until he reached the end of the terrace..

A strong wave of wind hit him making his hair to flow back, He looked ahead to the sky.. His aching heart was still beating but something in him wanted it to stop beating.. He grew tired of it keep beating..

Jeongin grab on to the side of the terrace pulling him up so he could stand on top of the ledge of the terrace, There was no more anything to prevent him from falling ahead.. His normal self would be scared to stand here like this but right now he felt nothing...He just stared ahead blankly, Facing the white sky..

He thought he was strong enough to don't end his life this easily but in the end he is a human.. isn't he? Even with having this inhuamn superpowers.. his heart still remains like a human's, The nature of human to get tired of doing something that was still inside him..

But to be honest he was too young, Too much in pain to realise what even he was going to do now.. and this exact thought was buried deep inside himself, somewhere..Hidden.

Jeongin rose his arms up, closing his eyes again, Wind brushing against his smooth skin.. The boy heaved a sigh, A drop of tear slipping from the end of his eye..

And like that he lean forward, Ready to let go of himself.. He thought the was the end of everything.. but then his eyes shoot open feeling a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and then he was thrown on to the floor, The impact of his body hitting against the floor hurts..But he ignored it as he stared at seungmin's crying face with wide eyes..

The brunette let the tears slip out of his eyes with no control over it, Sobbing and whimpering harshly as he cried hard.. Following behind sitting down on the floor infront of jeongin, Watching that jeongin felt his heart clenching..

Realisation soon wash over him, Leaving him shocked at what he was about to do..

He..He almost killed himself...

To be continued~