27

"how are you, really?" jimin asked.

about a week had gone by and hoseok had been moved to some sort of clinic, so the doctors could monitor him and get him feeling better. jimin felt awful about how things left off, so he went to visit hobi at the clinic as soon as the doctors said it was okay. the two of them were just hanging out in hoseok's room, talking.

"i mean... i'm okay. better... i guess."

"well, that's good. what've  you been doing here?"

"we do like... different games and crafts. we also all have to go to therapy everyday."

"well, that sounds... fu-"

"you don't have to lie. it's fucking weird. i know it's gonna help me in the long run, though. i've only been here for a few days, anyways."

"how long do you have to stay here?"

"not sure. i just have to stay until they have confidence that i'm not going to be a danger to myself."

"well... are you?"

"no, i don't think so. not anymore."

"so, that means you can leave soon, right?"

"hopefully."

there was a pause and jimin was just quietly thinking to himself. he became overwhelmed with emotions and some tears welled up in his eyes.

"i'm sorry," jimin said, looking up at him, "about the other day. i was an awful friend. i was upset and confused and i blamed you when i should've been there for you. i'm so-"

"you don't need to be sorry. i fucked up, too. i-i was gonna leave you," hoseok paused, doing a sarcastic laugh and wiping off the tear that was running down his cheek, "a real friend wouldn't do that either."

"that's not your fault, hobi. you couldn't take it anymore and you needed help. you can't blame yourself for that."

"you wanna know why?" hoseok asked, looking up at jimin.

"why what?"

"why i did it."

"y-you don't have t-"

"it's fine. i already talked about it. they made me tell my therapist everything," he said, pausing, "i had depression- if that isn't obvious enough. i still do, i guess. i just- i don't really know what it's like to not have it. i don't know what it feels like to just be happy. it's not like i've never been happy before, i'm happy every time i see you. it's just- i don't know what it's like to be just happy. like... when i'm happy, in the back of my head there's always a part of me saying that i have to feel some other way. it's hard to explain, but that's how it's always been. when i met you and jin, things got a little better. i was like fourteen and you two were really the only good friends i ever had. it felt good to be cared about, really good. so, when i turned like eighteen, i caught feelings for you. or at least, that's when i realized it. i don't know if you knew this, but you're the person that made me realize i was gay. i was scared and upset, so i just flirted with you and sort of kept the whole gay thing to myself. i had no idea how my parents would feel and i didn't want them to hate me anymore then they already did, so i just never told them. i flirted around with you and just hoped that one day we'd get together. one day what my parents thought about me wouldn't matter and i could just be happy. well, that didn't happen. you moved in with namjoon and not too much later, you developed a massive crush on him. it was nice to know that you were gay, but it sucked knowing you liked a guy who wasn't me. i kept my head up, though. i though he was straight, so i figured i still had a chance. i didn't. and i was pissed about it. it's not your fault, you just saw me as a friend. i should've known that. so then i tried to back off. i kind of just disappeared for like a month. i thought it would be good for me, but looking back, i think it just made everything worse. you came back into my life and it was the happiest i've ever been. and then you kissed me. we had a... moment. i was over the moon. only for a minute, though. then i started feeling like you were drunk or were just doing it cause you were needy or whatever and then i went back to being sad. so, i just let it go. i tried to carry on, but i just felt so awful. so, i figured i should see my family. get closer with them and stuff. family is important and i figured it might help if i had that kind of support,"

"i was wrong. i told them i was gay on christmas eve and..,"

"my dad hit me," hoseok stopped, trying to blink his tears away, "then they- not so calmly- told me that it was unacceptable and that they wouldn't allow that in their family. so, i left. i was broken. the guy i was in love with didn't love me back, my friends didn't need me, my family doesn't love me. it was weird. it was like, killing myself didn't even seem like a big deal at the time. i guess it was because in the moment, i felt like i was already dead. it didn't matter anymore. nothing mattered. so then, jin called me. i thought about telling him- i really did. he knew about some of the mental issues i went through in the past and he told me to always come to him if i was ever doing bad. but, i just couldn't. i knew that nothing he could tell me would make that pain go away, so i played down what happened and how bad i was feeling. and then i did it. i went home, forced like twenty pills down my throat and i went to bed. i never thought i was gonna wake up."

jimin was crying. he didn't even know what to say.

"hoseok, you know how much i love you, right? you know that i need you?"

"i know. i don't think i realized it before, but i know now."

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gUys yoongi's featured on halseys upcoming album ndjdjxjj. i preordered it so quick ndnjxjj

also hEyyyy. i missed u guys. hope u all liked the chapter even tho it was kinda sad. also im two away from 100 followers, thank u guys so much!!💓