♠︎ forty eight

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

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♠︎ JUNGKOOK     

You weren't the only one drowning your sorrows in alcohol that night.

Jungkook polished off his fourth rum and coke, wincing a little at the burn of the rum as it slid down his throat. It was definitely not the best plan he'd ever had, drowning his sorrows, but at least it made the world a little fuzzier, and the pain in his chest a little duller. He glanced around the kitchen, which was still full, except now people were standing, milling around in a crowd of alcohol and music and laughter.

Jungkook did not much feel like laughing. 

Across the room, near the back door, he could just about see you through the crowd of bodies. You were smiling, eyes shining in a way Jungkook recognised as intoxication (and also because he'd been watching you all night, and this was your third full glass of wine). Right now, you were locked in conversation with Taehyung - who you appeared to have forgiven very easily - and when you threw your head back at something he had said, it made Jungkook feel murderous.

So no, Jungkook did not feel like laughing along with the rest of the dinner party. In fact, he felt more like putting his fist through a wall.

He took a deep, steadying breath. This wasn't like him; he didn't fall out with his hyungs, or get drunk, or experience flashes of rage. It was just the alcohol, doing this to him - that, and the crushing realisation that leaving this island with you in his arms was not guaranteed after all. 

But that didn't mean it was over just yet. Or that you wanted Taehyung instead, no matter how strangely paranoid the rum was making him at seeing you speak to him. Jungkook knew if he just gave you some space to think, you would be ready to talk about it eventually. He just had to be patient.

At that precise moment, three or four people jostled into Jungkook's line of vision, obscuring you from view. He craned his neck - but by the time they had cleared away, the back door was closed again, and you and Taehyung were gone. 

Jungkook's blood boiled. Fuck patience, he thought. 

He couldn't stop himself - not with this much rum in his system. Rising from the table, he stalked through the crowd, unable to cope with what he might find when he opened the terrace door. He flung it open anyway.

But what he found there was not what he expected.

Taehyung was gone - Jungkook thought maybe he'd imagined him - and it was just you, hovering at the edge of the terrace, the drink in your hand swaying precariously with the rest of your body. Jungkook had seen you drunk before, and true, you had been a lot worse than this; but he sensed that perhaps you were just one drink over your limit, one drink into too many drinks.

And so was he. Even out here in the cool tropical air, Jungkook's cheeks burned red and his veins pulsed with energy, the rum circulating his system. Drowning his sorrows, clearly, had not worked, because now he was intoxicated, and the sight of you out here on your own still made his heart ache like crazy.

Before he could turn back, you turned and caught his gaze. Jungkook slid the door shut behind him - there was no going back now that you'd seen him. 

"Oh," you let out, before turning away again, staring out at the blanket of stars above you. Jungkook didn't know what you meant by that - if you were disappointed or surprised or both - but it hurt that you wouldn't look at him. 

"I thought Tae was here," he said stiffly. 

You shook your head, still not looking at him. "I think he's gone to bed," you murmured. Your voice was flat, as if you were deliberately trying not to betray any emotion. "If you're looking for him."

"No," he pointed out, not wanting you to think that's why he came out here. "I was just-"

He stopped. He couldn't very well say, I was just checking he wasn't here with you. But it seemed you had guessed at what he was going to say, because your mouth turned down in a frown.

"You clearly think very little of me, junior," you sipped at your drink bitterly. 

Jungkook realised at once that you had taken it entirely the wrong way - that he thought you and Taehyung had come out here to be alone.

"That's not what I meant," he said quietly, though even he doubted this was true.

You just scoffed into the night.

"I'm serious," he retorted in annoyance. He was trying hard not to bite back, because he knew you were just drunk and hurting, but it was increasingly difficult considering his own state of inebriation. "I trust that you wouldn't do that."

He hadn't meant it as an insult. But even he could hear the unspoken end of that sentence. Unlike you. 

Before he could correct himself, you twisted fully to face him. Your gaze was like a fiery blade cutting into his heart.

"Well, I'm sorry I'm so defective in that regard," you snapped, dropping your empty glass onto the terrace table.

That was enough conversation for you, it seemed, because then you were moving past him, towards the doors. Jungkook's hand shot out, catching your wrist and drawing you in to face him.

"Stop," he said softly, urgently. "This isn't us."

"Isn't it?" you demanded, eyes still sparkling as you gazed up at him, although whether it was with tears or defiance, Jungkook couldn't tell. "Maybe you really don't know me at all, junior."

With that you were trying to wriggle out of his grip, but Jungkook was stronger. He held you tight, letting his free hand go to your other shoulder.

"Please," he pleaded. "Talk to me. I'm sorry I walked away from you this morning."

You simply stared at him, expression unreadable.

"I hate the idea that I've upset you," he continued, heart beating wildly in his chest with a need to satisfy you, to reassure you, to kiss you. "I hate fighting. I hate misunderstanding - you said that yourself. So please, just talk to me. Tell me what's in your head right now."

For a long moment, you didn't respond. Jungkook held his gaze, hoping you would crack beneath it, and let him in. 

Which you did, only not in the way he was expecting.

Your lips were on his before he could stop you, and once they were there, he didn't want to stop. He cupped your face to him, drawing you in close, as if he'd parted from you weeks ago and not this morning. The moan that escaped your lips was addicting and he searched for it again, tongue dancing with yours as you bloomed beneath him in pleasure, tasting like red wine and raw desire.

It wasn't rough. It was desperate, yes, but gentle, and passionate, and it almost made emotion prick at the corner of his eyes thinking that he would ever have to let go.

Jungkook's heart pounded, blood rushing into his ears. The world tipped on it's axis when he touched you, he couldn't think straight... and yet-

"Wait," he pulled back, panting against your lips as he squeezed his eyes shut. "You're drunk, we shouldn't..."

"So are you," you reasoned, fisting your hands into the collar of his shirt and drawing him in again. Something deep in his stomach throbbed as your lips mouthed over his, and then his jaw, all the way up to his ear, which you bit at gently.

"Still," he tried weakly, but it was no use. He never could resist you. His hands were at your waist now, moving you backwards against the wall of the house with a soft thump. 

This is wrong, a voice squeaked out in the back of his brain. Don't do this right now. 

But Jungkook wasn't listening, because you were looking at him with gems in your eyes, like you needed him to breathe, and fuck, did he want to be your oxygen right now, so he kissed you again.

His limbs tangled with yours, determined to have his way with you against this wall, other guests be damned - but it was your turn to push, walking Jungkook backwards and into one of the seats on the terrace. The moment he collapsed into it, reeling from the loss of your body heat, you were giving it to him again; clambering onto his lap, straddling his hips deliciously, your mouth sought his once more, and this time, it was like fire.

 It was like the long hours of today had amplified his need for you, and yours for him. You melted into his arms, passionate and breathless, mouths moving together in a way they never had before. Jungkook was trying to tell you through his kisses, how much he wanted you; how much he wanted this to work.

And then he gave up trying to tell you with kisses, and told you with words instead.

"I want this, baby," he mouthed against your neck, relishing the way you tilted your chin for him to gain better access. "I want you."

"Me too," you breathed, gripping the hair at the nape of his neck. "Let's go upstairs."

Jungkook pulled back.

"No," he corrected, hands resting on your thighs. "I mean, I want you to be mine. Permanently."

It wasn't a huge secret. He'd had this conversation with you this morning, after all. But it was his first time admitting it unprovoked; without you having said it first.

"I don't want to give this up," he went on, reaching up and cupping your cheek. "Not when we came so close to having it."

He could see, as he said it, that you were remembering last night too, how close you'd been to heaven; the way the both of you had felt, tangled together, unable to get enough of each other. The way he had whispered those three words to you in the dark, so confident that he'd say them to you for real today.

But to say them here, now, after today's events, would feel insincere somehow.

"Come back to me," he said instead, his head resting against yours. "Come back, baby."

He sensed your resolve weakening, but still you seemed conflicted. "Nothing has changed since this morning," you breathed, though your lips brushed his. "I... I want you, Kookie, but I can't get over this feeling that-"

You cut off, clearly afraid of being too honest after your argument this morning. But Jungkook could read your mind.

"You still don't trust me," he murmured, gazing at you. 

He knew, as well as you did, that this wasn't to do with trusting him, in particular. He knew this was what happened when you tried to let yourself open up to someone after being burned before. That you would feel the same if this was any other guy you were opening yourself up to again, not just him.

Still, your eyes narrowed in an instant, clearly feeling hurt and guilty at the accusation.

"Don't pretend like you came out here for some fresh air," you replied firmly. "You thought Tae and I were out here together. Not that it would matter, because you trust me completely, right?"

Jungkook opened his mouth, but couldn't respond. He realised, even in his drunken stupor, that you were right.

He'd asked you to trust him, when he hadn't even had the decency to trust you himself. 

Shame washed over him in waves, cursing his alcohol-fuelled paranoia, as he saw the sad realisation reflected in your eyes.

"See," you pulled back ever so slightly, a single tear rolling down your cheek. "Maybe you don't trust me either, junior."

Jungkook was frozen in his seat, as you clambered off him, smoothing down your clothes without looking at him.

"And it's like you said," you collected your glass from where you'd dropped it onto the terrace table. "Without trust, there's nothing here to fight for. None of this matters."

Jungkook stood to embrace you again, but you held up a hand to stop him. 

"I do trust you," he said, earnestly. He wanted to tell you he loved you, but he knew it was no use in a moment like this.

You didn't believe him any more. And he couldn't blame you.

"Go back to her, Kookie," you said, another tear rolling down your cheek. "We're done here."

A lump of panic formed in his throat at those words. "No-"

"Goodnight," you cut him off, gone back through the sliding door before he could so much as take a single step.

Jungkook was alone.

Cold air filled his lungs, making his chest ache with the feeling that he'd gone wrong somewhere tonight. He hadn't gone anywhere near Yoora, who had been sat on her friend Tala's lap and chatting to Jin for the last hour, anyway - in an effort to show you that he wasn't interested. He'd searched for the words to say he wanted you, that he would never betray your trust like Taehyung did.

But he knew that wasn't where he'd gone wrong. He'd gone wrong the minute he followed you out here, blinded by his own jealousy.

Jungkook sighed. No more good could come from this evening. Better to go to sleep, and start again tomorrow.

He stepped back into the lively kitchen, but he didn't want to talk to anyone else that night. Heading for the stairs, he padded along the corridor, determined to sleep this off and talk to you, sober, in the morning-

Only to stop in his tracks at the sight in front of him. 

Neither of the two people standing a couple of doorways along from his saw him; and he kept it that way, sliding into his bedroom quickly and quietly, shutting the door as gently as he could. From the other side of the door, he could still hear them talking to each other in low murmurs. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to jump to conclusions as the image burned itself onto his brain.

Jungkook remembered what you had said earlier. Maybe you don't trust me either, junior.

He knew that wasn't true. He did trust you - with all his heart - and that made it so much more difficult to stomach the idea that you thought he didn't. 

And yet all the trust in the world wouldn't have stopped the way his heart ached - at those three words, we're done here- 

And at the sight of you, standing at Taehyung's door.

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