♠︎ forty one

HAPPY NAMJOON DAY BAGEL BESTIES, IT'S THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR

CHAPTER FORTY ONE

⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃

♠︎ YOU

"I'm worried about Jimin," you admitted, switching the dictophone off.

Namjoon nodded beside you. "I think we all are."

It had been a few days since your escapade in the bathroom with Jungkook. In that time you'd done a number of things - one of the first being conducting your interview with Jimin for the article, which was due in a week's time. You'd met him in his room, where he was spending more and more time this week, and realised quickly that he wasn't right. His eyes were bloodshot and circled in darkness, and he seemed thinner than before.

But when you'd tried to talk to him, he had brushed you away.

"Let's just do the interview," he'd said, sounding tired as he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't wanna talk about Yoo- about anything else."

Your heart had ached for him, but you'd obliged.

"He's just struggling with his feelings," Namjoon explained now, after you finished your interview with him in the kitchen, the day after your interview with Jimin. "He's not used to feeling romantically for someone to such an extreme - I don't think he's experienced it before. And it will take him some time. But I think he'll get there."

"Are you saying he... wants to be with Yoongi?" you asked, hopeful.

"Mm," Namjoon agreed. "I think so. He wants to try it, at least."

You sighed, realising how ironic the situation was. If you knew Yoongi, he'd already convinced himself by now that Jimin didn't want a relationship, with him or anyone. Yoongi never changed his mind, and so the idea that someone else might change theirs was unfathomable to him. 

It was unlikely, then, that he would see how Jimin's feelings had literally changed his entire perspective on commitment. But you only had to look at Jimin right now, and know that it was true.

He was a mess without Yoongi.

"I guess it's Yoongi-hyung's choice," Namjoon continued. "But... I don't know. I've never seen Jiminie so cut up before. I just hope it's all over soon, whatever happens."

For a moment you were both silent, and you realised that Namjoon was nervous about something - something that wasn't to do with Yoongi or Jimin. You pondered what it could be - but he interrupted you before you could even predict it.

"So, um - look," he started, running a finger along the kitchen counter nervously. "I wanna ask you something."

"Okay," you said slowly, listening carefully. "Should I be scared?"

"No," Namjoon flashed you a dimpled grin, but he still seemed anxious. "I, uh, I wanna ask Nia out. Like, for real."

Your heart leapt, your worries for Jimin temporarily left behind as you perked up at this news. "Wait, seriously? Hang on - why am I shocked at that?"

"Uh - because I've never discussed this with you before?" Namjoon offered. "You're not psychic."

"Yes I am," you smirked. "I knew you were whipped weeks ago."

Namjoon tutted. "Whatever. Can you focus please? I just wanna know if I am in with a shot here or not."

"Are you kidding me?" you raised an eyebrow at your friend. "Didn't she just agree to come and see you in Seoul a few days ago?"

"Well - yes," he conceded uneasily, "but I just figured... you know. Women like Nia don't exactly stay single for long."

You smiled at that - at how highly Namjoon evidently thought of her. He knew Nia was the kind of woman you held onto and didn't let go of easily.

"Actually, she..." you began, about to tell Namjoon that Nia had in fact been single for a very long time - but decided against it. Maybe you were her best friend, but it wasn't your place. You weren't even sure if Namjoon knew about her feelings for Yoongi. "You know what? You should talk to her about that. Not me."

"You think it's a good idea then?" he said, adorable hopefulness painting his expression to make him look like an overgrown koala.

"It's worth a shot. She's not the kind of person who will fall at your feet, though, Joon," you informed him gently. "She might need a bit of... convincing."

He nodded, a dreamy smile on his face. "I know. She's difficult. I like that."

You grinned. "I couldn't imagine a better match for my bestie," you hugged him, making Namjoon cringe at your words. "Joon and Nia, sitting in a tree-"

"Yuck," he pushed you away. "Where is Jungkook to control you when I need him?"

You huffed, smacking Namjoon's arm. "He's not my handler, you know."

"May as well be," Namjoon muttered. "Speaking of which, what the fuck were you two even doing last night? It sounded like someone was being murdered in there."

You thought back to the night before, colour painting your cheeks. 

Jungkook, true to his word, had been coming up with some things he wanted to explore in your last few days on the island. Last night had been your first experiment with gagging - and it was a success, you figured, from the way he'd shoved your own underwear in your mouth and then had you ride his face until you descended into muffled screams of pleasure that shook the walls of his bedroom.

"We were just having fun," you mumbled now, shrugging it off casually. "Like we have been for the past few weeks. He's working out what he likes."

And damn, did he like gagging you - you'd learned that last night. 

Namjoon's eyes had lost their teasing twinkle now, perhaps at your implication that you were just having fun.

"I know you probably know this," he said, his voice serious. "But Jungkook isn't exactly the most... confident person. No matter how he seems behind closed doors."

You nodded. "I know."

"He might take a bit of prodding to get him to open up," Namjoon was saying now, and at this you grinned. If only he knew. 

Jungkook had been open and mature and honest enough for the both of you combined. 

"It's not opening up that's the problem," you said, feeling your stomach twist at discussing this for the first time with anybody. "I know how he feels. I know how I feel. I'm just scared of how that works... when we're not here anymore."

Namjoon nodded. "I get that," he said. "I felt the same way about Nia."

You cocked your head at him curiously. "What changed?"

Namjoon gave one of his wise, knowing grins. "I thought about whether I wanted to spend every day fighting for something that would make me happy. Or let it go entirely. And I realised that even if I fought every day for just an hour with her, it would be enough."

"Damn, Joon," you whistled. It wasn't just the surprise of how intense Namjoon's feelings had become for your friend - after all, Namjoon was the level-headed one, the sensible one, who usually thought before he jumped in. And he'd only known Nia a very short period of time... it was insane that he had become this attached and this certain, so quickly. 

But it was also because a stark reflection on your own circumstances. The question rose up inside you, unasked by Namjoon but roiling in your mind now, pushing to the forefront. 

Even if you had to fight tooth and nail for it - if you had to suffer - would being with Jungkook be worth it?

Namjoon saw the conflict etched on your face, and reached a hand out to comfort you. "I'm not trying to make you feel like shit," he said apologetically, rubbing your arm. "I'm just looking out for my friend. Do what you have to do, but please don't break his heart."

You gave him a small, tentative smile, though it felt like a dagger in your chest. You had to change the subject, and quickly.

"You're adorable when you're doing the whole overprotective hyung thing," you teased him, elbowing him in the ribs. Namjoon rolled his eyes, but his cheeks had stained pink. 

"Jungkookie is always gonna be my little brother, okay," he bit back. "Even when he's all grown up and smooching dishonourable women."

You shot him a wide, mischievous grin. "That's me."

Namjoon returned your smile, before he left the kitchen. "It sure is."

⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃

You thought about that conversation with Namjoon over and over again. It made you want, more than anything, to talk to Jungkook - it felt like the last few days had been more about actions, not words, and you didn't want either of you to get too confused about where this was really heading. As terrifying as it was, it was time to face reality.

So when your interview ended, and you'd had a quick dip in the pool with Taehyung and Yoongi, you headed off in search of Jungkook.

You finally found him in his bedroom, having just worked out and changed, staring down at his phone as you slipped around his door. 

It didn't take long for you to realise he was upset.

You weren't sure how you knew this, because Jungkook hid what he was feeling well in public, especially when you weren't intimate with each other. But perhaps because you'd spent enough time around him recently, you recognised it; the little wrinkle between his eyebrows, and the way his lips pouted outwards, teeth catching the silver ring between them.

Every thought about talking to him went out of your head, and your number one priority became making him feel better.

"What's wrong?" you asked him. He didn't look up from his phone screen, distracted by something. 

"Kookie," you continued, stepping closer to him and pushing his phone-hand down gently, so that he finally gazed at you. "What is it?"

He shook his head dismissively. "Nothing," he said, though his jaw clenched even as he said it. You prodded his shoulder hard.

"Don't be a doofus," you rolled your eyes at him. "You've literally seen me walk into a shower door, junior. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, now spill."

He sighed, looking away as he raised a hand to rub the back of his neck. "Fine. This performance we pre-recorded was released today," he explained, showing you the phone, where a stylised video of BTS was rolling on a low volume.

"Okay..." you nodded slowly, though you weren't following yet. After a long moment, Jungkook finally gave in, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"I hate the way I sound on it," he muttered, almost too low to hear, voice laced even now with resentment. 

You realised, with an aching heart, that the resentment was targeted towards himself. 

He was disappointed with how he'd performed.

"Seriously, Kookie?" you asked him, hearing the audio of the video in the background, and realising that he still sounded perfect to you. He nodded, and your tone softened. "What do you hate about it?"

"I forgot some of the lyrics," he admitted, though it seemed difficult for him to do so. "And - I'm just pitchy. I'm all off."

"Here," you held your hand out for the phone, watching it through quietly as he handed it to you, before giving it back. "You're not pitchy at all. And you only forgot like three words - it sounded like you'd just quietened to let the fans sing it for you. It's not a big deal, Kookie. Everyone makes mistakes." 

"But I feel like I've let everyone down," he admitted, through clenched teeth. "Maybe I'm just not as good as I used to be."

"Don't be ridiculous," you insisted, having never heard such rubbish. But Jungkook was steadfast, his eyes locked on some point behind you. He was reserved to begin with, but this was on a whole other level, and it was only now that you were realising exactly how much of a perfectionist Jungkook actually was when it came to his work.

Shit, you thought, seeing how closed off and frustrated he was with himself right now. He truly believes that he's not a good singer.

Not for long, if you had anything to do with it.

"Okay, fine," you said, pushing past his broad figure and into his closet, dragging out the machine you knew resided in there. "I didn't want to have to do this, but we're doing this."

Jungkook gazed down at the karaoke machine in confusion.

"How did you even know I had that here?" he narrowed his eyes at you, and you shrugged.

"Lucky guess," you replied.

Jungkook just stared at you with an eyebrow raised until you gave in, rolling your eyes.

"Okay, fine, maybe I was looking for one of your shirts to sleep in. Yes, I'm whipped as shit, blah blah blah. Now fire this bad boy up," you pointed at the machine, holding the cable defiantly in one hand. "I have a point to prove."

Jungkook gave a hint of a smirk, but was still too down on himself to comment on it too much. Instead he simply obeyed, plugging in the karaoke machine and then handing you the remote.

"Right," you said, businesslike, as you found the song you wanted to do, chucking Jungkook another microphone. "Get ready, bunny boy, for the best duet you've ever fucking heard, let alone taken part in."

Jungkook just seemed entirely taken aback by your willingness to do this. As he should be - you were a terrible singer. He stood still, microphone in hand, as he watched you begin the first line. 

"Long time no see huh!" you threw yourself into PSY's verse. "Oraeganmaniji, huh?"

Jungkook snorted in laughter, forgetting his frustration as he realised how out of tune you were, but you ploughed on with energy and feeling. The more into it you got, the more out of tune you became, until Jungkook was smiling too much to even remember why he was upset.

"Ppeokjeokjigeunhae!" he joined in with you on the refrain, beaming from ear to ear and nodding along to the music, both of your voices echoing out of the tinny microphones. You, meanwhile, were already out of breath from dancing - but it didn't matter. 

You were here with him, singing That That on a karaoke machine, and having an absolute blast. That's what mattered - and from the look on his face, he knew it too.

"I don't care, I don't care, that I like that!" he rapped rapidly as Yoongi's verse dawned upon you, both of you now fully immersed in the song, Jungkook executing every single note and dance move fluently as you didn't even bother to try and keep up, just jumping around in a frenzy.

At this point it had become less of a talent exhibition and more of a competition on who could scream the loudest or jump the highest, and you realised as you danced with him that you were beaming from ear to ear too, the ground thumping beneath your feet.

"Do what you want! Say what you want!" you both cried in unison, following along the dance moves as best as you could as Jungkook did the same - he was annoyingly good at them, and both of you cracked up laughing at your own attempt to copy him - until finally, the song was over.

You were breathless and panting, bellies aching from laughter, collapsing into a sweaty heap on Jungkook's bed with him on top of you. The laughs still emanated from you both, feeling like you were on a cloud of happiness - like the sadness from before had melted away.

"See?" you managed, chest rising and falling heavily as Jungkook pinned you to the bed. "Voice of an angel."

"I hope you're referring to me and not yourself, little one," Jungkook teased. But you didn't bite back. You were just glad to have him back to his normal self again, no longer sad and self-deprecating.

"Of course I'm referring to you," you tutted, sitting up onto your elbows to gaze at him. "I sound like a chicken being strangled."

Jungkook chuckled. "I'd love to disagree but you actually kinda do," he nodded, his nose scrunching into that adorable bunny grin that you loved so much. God, you were down so bad for this man.

"There's actually a frog called the Spring Creeper that screams to herald in the start of spring," you informed him, still breathless, throwing out a random frog fact in a panic. "That's me."

He nodded, eyes alight with mischief. "Except a frog can probably at least scream in tune."

You whacked his arm. "Hey," you said, serious all of a sudden. "I'm telling the truth, you know. I would be honest with you if you'd fucked that performance up, and you really didn't."

Jungkook nodded, his expression soft and accepting. "I know," he said, playing with a loose thread of your t-shirt with his fingers. "I like that about you. You always tell it like it is."

 The lip ring glinted in his dim bedroom light, and you felt a surge of affection for him, searching for the right words to say next.

The irony of this situation was not lost on you, as you gazed into dark, doe eyes. You were never dishonest - or at least, you tried not to be - and yet here you were, having been entirely in the dark about your feelings, able to be honest with everyone else, except yourself.

Namjoon's words came back to you in vivid technicolour, and you asked yourself the question again that had stumped you earlier. Could you fight for this every single day, if it meant calling Jungkook yours? Even if it meant just seeing him occasionally - even if it meant suffering and secrecy and paparazzi?

After weeks of wondering, the answer was finally as plain as day.

That regardless of how hard you'd have to fight, you wanted him to be yours, and just yours, for much longer than the next week.

He was worth it. More worth it than anyone you had ever known.

And the revelation was so clear, so obvious, that before you could stop yourself or think about how bad of an idea this was, you were telling him exactly that.

"Kookie," you began, stomach performing a million somersaults at once as you realised the enormity of what you were about to say. "I think I-"

"What the fuck are you two doing in here?"

You sat up sharply, Jungkook doing the same, as Yoongi's resentful face poked around the corner of Jungkook's door.

Shit, Yoongi, not now! you almost wanted to scream - while another part of you could have sobbed in relief, the tension ebbing away.

"Were you singing my song?" Yoongi continued now, pointing an accusing finger at Jungkook. "I told you not to sing that anymore, Jungkookie. On pain of death."

Jungkook shook his head, disentangling himself a little. "Nope. Not sure what you're talking about, hyung. Wasn't us."

Yoongi narrowed his eyes, letting them flicker between you both.

"Troublemakers," he muttered, as he slunk back around the door, and it clicked shut behind him. 

Jungkook let out a laugh as he went, the tension from before entirely evaporated.

"C'mon," he said as he stood, reaching a hand down to pull you up, the moment having passed. "Let's go hang out with the others. I think Hobi wants to take a hike. You wanna come?"

You nodded, before remembering something. "We should ask Jimin too. He's not feeling his best right now."

Jungkook grinned at you, nodding in agreement. "Good idea, baby."

And with that he pecked your forehead gently, before making his way downstairs.

It took you a long moment to follow him - a moment in which you realised that there really was no going back for you now. After all, you'd almost asked him if he wanted to be serious with you back there. If not for Yoongi, you had been seconds away from revealing exactly how strong your feelings had become.

You remembered Namjoon's words from earlier once more. Please don't break his heart.

You weren't planning on it, not if you could help it. It was time to face the truth - your heart belonged to Jungkook, and you wanted him to know it.

With that in mind, you began planning your final showdown as a brat - your last stand, in which you'd push Jungkook to the very limit, before surrendering your heart to him permanently. After that, you'd tell him the truth - all of it - and just hope he wanted the same thing.

But for now you needed to focus, and plan meticulously. After all, you would have to go out in a blaze of glory. 

And you would need Namjoon's help to do it. 

⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃