𝖣𝖤𝖠𝖱 𝖥𝖴𝖳𝖴𝖱𝖤 𝖲𝖤𝖫𝖥

( 𝖣𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗅𝖺𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗋 — 𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗉𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝗋𝖺𝗎𝗆𝖺 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗌𝗂𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗋𝖺𝗉𝖾, 𝖻𝗋𝗎𝗍𝖺𝗅 𝖻𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗍𝗎𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇)

𝖥𝖾𝖻𝗎𝖺𝗋𝗒 𝟣𝟪𝗍𝗁, 𝟤𝟢𝟢𝟫

𝖿𝗂𝗋𝗌𝗍 𝖽𝗂𝖺𝗋𝗒 𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗒

DEAR FUTURE SELF ..

     Sometimes I actually wonder if it's a man yay high up in the sky who has long brown hair and wears a robe and sandals for a living. If it isn't, the fuckers who supports him, or the idea of him in this matter, I somewhat feel for.

Why?

You may ask, well because when your born into a christian family, your to believe, it's a man named 'God' who lives in the heavens and he "loves you for who you are" and who's wishes and rules are printed into a book. And you truly never know which version is the truest.

But if he is real, only if he is, I would want to sit down with the man and have a longful talk on why he decided to make me this way. Gullible, Impulsive and Strikingly beautiful ( my own opinion duh).

Usually when you hear beauty and stupid in the same sentence you automatically must think I'm blonde. Weird part is I'm actually far from it.

Though future self or if I loose it and the person who's reading it finds this, I'm going to tell you a funny story (In my mind, joking about my trauma helps me cope so, buckle up bitches.) It all started when we were eighteen.

I had this boyfriend named Josh Carter, I met him off of my space (don't question my motives, I was lonely alright?) and because I was the child who lacked attention from her parents. It helped her fall in love so easily with Josh, she ignored the red flags that was directly on her face.

And the ones her parents pointed out to her.

Josh even convinced my dumbass to run away from my "Boring Country Lifestyle" to live lavishly and freely.

And that's exactly what I did, ran away during the night, we met at the spot we usually hooked up at, near the free field no one claimed. One thing I can say about Josh was, he never lied about him being loaded with cash. But he never disclosed his job ties with me neither.

But I guessed I found that out as well. (The man was apart of a ring, prostitution ring)

Catch, Lure, Provide.

In so many words, he would catch woman out from the website that I met him on and make them believe the delusions he told. Did I believe them? Yes I did, I'm a proud dumbass. If they actually made stickers on it, wouldn't be surprised if they did, I'd be the first in line to pick one up.

Anyways, lure, he would lure woman out by giving them the American dream, a life that's filled with happiness, but and make them leave him home voluntarily. Provide, once the girl is in your care, you give them home, food, and drugs to get them hooked on.

Basically making you, a druggie.

Josh had did all those things to me, he even used our body to please men while under the influence. This 'good profit' he used to say, he made money from me and my body for two years straight.

At first I used to wonder why he did this to me, but in reality I did this to myself. Any other child would've listened to their parents when they said something was bad for them.

But any other parent would've warned their child about predatorial men who goes after soft minded woman. Should've known something was up when he refused to sleep with me after I was completely hooked on drugs.

But in my time there I realized I wasn't the only girl he pimped out for his business.

I always wondered why I didn't leave, being raped repeatedly wasn't fun at all, but when I look back at it. We didn't have anywhere else to go, Josh provided everything, shelter, food and supplies.

But when I did leave, thank god I did. Well..no it actually got so much worse but I'll save that for later in the entry.

I noticed I no longer had a shelter, that was already known though, but I also lost my self respect. The spark I once had, the sass, the hope was taken from me the day I stopped fighting the men who was doing torturous things to me and my body.

I left his home during the night with the help of a guard who favored me and my situation. The man didn't touch me once in my time being there. All the other men did, he never could bring himself to do a thing such as that, that's why I loved him, he was my friend.

The other females worried more about pleasing Josh and the men who came through our bedroom doors at night, then escaping the forced path.

One good thing I could say was, the first day of being outside in two years was refreshing. Felt like a newborn taking its first breath, I didn't care about being homeless, or what was going to happen to me, I was free.

Also remember going to the police station to see if my parents reported me missing, or if they had checked on leads about finding where I was. But I came to find out, no missing reports about me was filled, and it was no case about me neither.

Did they resent me that much? Probably, I was a hot mess leaving the house the way I did. But as a parent I would think, my step mother and father would still care about me through the thick and thin like this.

Did I know if I called, they would've housed me and take care of me the way I needed? Of course I knew that. But I wouldn't let them see me this way, not because it's only disturbing. They didn't care about me then, what would make them give a rats ass about me now.

I thought.

To survive the streets of Atlanta we did what we knew, slept with men for money and it actually worked out for a long while.

One thing I never said was, that I was proud of what and who've I've become as a person.

I would stand at the corner in a white dress, along with a thick white fur jacket and wait for someone to pick me up. Men or woman, I'm into men but woman, they paid just as great so my preference didn't matter after a while.

Most of them were different than the other, sex hungry and need their anger released one way or another. While the others would buy my time to just talk about their issues, lay their head in my lap as I stroke their hair listening.

Many of the men were married who did things such as that, woman too. And I gave pointers as if my life was in a great place.

A man changed my life though, that's the day I would never forget. One because I got beat bloody and two, because the officer was my Prince Charming.

His name was Rick Grimes.

One night a man had brought me for more than what I initially charged, again, my stupid ass should've known it was more than a simple quicky. You'd think my time with Josh would've taught me something.

The big bastard liked to knock his woman around before brutally sleeping with him, most woman like it so it didn't count as rape.

Consensual.

But I didn't like to be hit, it wouldn't have been a great mixture and it wasn't. Once we stepped into the motel room I lived in, he automatically went into a rage, smacking and punching me around.

And being the fighter I once was, I used all my strength trying to fight back. And boy did that make him angrier than he already was.

I've been beaten before by men, but this time, All I remember hearing was, my Prince Charming say was, my face was beaten so badly, he didn't think it would ever bounce back to the way it once was.

But after the man finished beating me, he used my body for what he paid for. Little did he know at the time, the woman who rented next door called the police stating something domestic was going on next door and she wanted it to be checked out.

Attempted Murder

Could've been said but I'm grateful that she even said anything to start with.

When the two officers, Rick and Shane knocked on the door, I instantly screamed for help. As if I didn't put myself in this situation as well.

God I have to stop blaming myself for everything, my friend Martha said it isn't good for the healing part of my journey.

When the door was kicked in, the big bastard was dragged away and arrested and I was helped by my Prince Charming, Rick.

I call him that because he helped me. If he didn't have a wife, I had to say I would've tried to get all over that. But I am respectful, somewhat and my face looked like a destroyed blueberry pie so that was out of the question.

I remember him wrapping me in his jacket and carrying me to his car. He stayed that entire night in the urgent care unit, while his partner went home, he even let me keep his deputy jacket to stay warm.

He claimed he'll just buy another from work. At first I was thinking on selling it for money, but this was probably the most valuable thing I've ever owned so I kept it.

He was the first man I ever trusted in a long time, and I barley knew him at all..so it must mean something right?

𝖲𝗂𝗇𝖼𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗅𝗒, 𝖪𝖺𝗍𝖺𝗋𝖺．