17

Before

Ryder

The girls got in late last night, their giggles and elevated voices woke me up. Luckily, I was exhausted and able to fall back asleep. I woke up early to shower and get a start on my laundry. It's Sunday, so I know everyone is going to be in the laundry room as soon as they sleep off their hangovers and I don't want to have to fight over washers and dryers.

I grabbed breakfast from the dining hall and made it back just in time to grab my dried laundry. When I enter our dorm, I can see signs of life. Brooklyn is scrolling on TikTok on a beanbag, Jasmine is eating a hot pocket on the couch and I can hear Laila moving stuff around in our room.

I attempt to open the door to our room but there's something blocking it.

"Laila, you in there?" I ask and knock on the door.

"Yeah," she called back.

I attempt to push the door open again but it only makes it a few more inches before it stops again.

"What's blocking the door?"

"Oops, sorry. It's my dirty laundry, I'll move it."

I hear her shifting some things around and then the door swings open. I walk in to see piles of laundry around the room, a random garbage bag in the middle of the room and a stack of books on her bare mattress.

Her eyes fall to the bag of fresh laundry in my hand and she pouts.

"Oh you already did laundry? I was hoping you would go with me and keep me company," Laila groaned.

I offer an apologetic smile and drop the bag on my bed.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to get a head start before everyone piled in and there were no empty washers. I could've taken your stuff if I knew you had it ready."

Laila sighs again and shakes her head.

"No, trust me you wouldn't have wanted too."

My brows drew together and I cocked my head at her.

"Why not?" I asked.

She glanced at the garbage bag with disgust and placed her hands on her hips.

"I may have thrown up all over my bedspread and a pile of clothes on the floor at some point this morning," she confessed.

I grimace as I look between her stripped bed and the garbage bag.

"Ew."

She sighs and nods.

"I know, I went a little too hard last night. I'll be more mindful of what I mix next time. But on the bright side, it's encouraged me to finally clean my room."

"I've been praying for this day to come," I joke.

Laila laughs and rolls her eyes.

"Haha, so funny."

I start to move my laundry to our small shared closet as Laila starts to rake empty water bottles from under the bed. I'm hanging up my cardigans when I hear Laila gasp.

"Did you find some moldy food under there?" I joke.

"Um, not quite," she replied in a flat tone.

I turn around and step out of the closet to see her sitting on the floor. She's facing away from me and hyperfixated over whatever she has in her hand.

"What is it?"

I walk over to her and my stomach drops. She holds up a shiny, metallic condom wrapper and cocks a brow at me.

"I'm sorry Ryder, does this belong to you?"

My eyes widen and my lips part as I try to think of a way out of this.

"I mean it has to be yours, none of my sexual partners have dicks, so I know it's not mine," Laila presses.

Maybe if I own up to it, she'll drop it.

"Yeah, it's mine. I'm sorry I didn't realize I dropped it," I confess.

She narrowed her eyes at me and a smug smirk formed on her lips.

"Wow, you're finally getting some? It's about time," Laila laughs.

"Shut up," I laugh and throw my stuffed penguin at her.

"I'm just saying, it was a long time coming," Laila says giddily.

She turns to toss the condom wrapper in the garbage and her face scrunches up.

"Ew, Ryder what the fuck. Did you hook up with someone last night?"

Fuck.

Zayn's used condom is sitting on top of the other garbage in the wastebasket. I completely forgot to take it out this morning. I hear feet running from the living room and Brooklyn and Jasmine come bursting in.

"You had sex last night?" Brooklyn gasps.

"With who? Was it Elliot? That super yummy boy from math class whose always staring at you?" Jasmine interrogates.

My eyes darted between the three of them as I struggle to find the right thing to say.

Jasmine's eyes widen and she jumps up and down.

"Omg, it was Elliot."

I quickly shake my head.

"No, it wasn't Elliot. I've barely said two words to that guy," I affirm.

"So who was it then? Don't leave us hanging, you've broken your college cherry, we need to know what gorgeous boy did it," Brooklyn beams.

"Um no, it's not really that important," I mumbled and avoided making eye contact with any of them.

I have every intention of telling them, Laila especially, but I didn't want it to come out like this. I wanted to have a one-on-one conversation with Laila before anyone else.

"Um kind of, we share a room. It'd be nice to know what random dude has now seen the inside of our dorm room and left his bodily fluids in our trash can," Laila remarks with a hint of disgust.

I sigh and finally raise my gaze to meet Laila's, unable to hide my guilt ridden expression. I watch her eager smile slowly fade as she puts the pieces together in her head.

"No, no way," Laila utters quietly as her face transforms to one of horror.

"I'm sorry," I say sincerely.

She sighs and crosses her arms over her chest.

"There's no way, how... when did you guys...," Laila trails off.

I can see the gears in her brain shifting as she tries to make sense of it all.

"Wait, I'm so lost. What's happening?" Brooklyn asked.

Jasmine nudged her and widened her eyes at Brooklyn.

"She's sleeping with my brother," Laila said flatly.

"Shitttt," Brooklyn muttered under her breath.

Jasmine grabs Brooklyn's shoulders and turns them around.

"We'll give you guys a moment."

I watch the two of them leave out of my peripheral vision but my eyes stay locked on Laila's.

"I'm sorry Laila, I wanted to tell you sooner. But I just wanted to be sure."

The corners of her mouth turned down as her brows knitted.

"Be sure of what? I-I don't get it. You knew how I felt about my brother hooking up with my friends. You know I've lost friendships over it," Laila sighs.

"I know, and I'm sorry but I'm not those people. You can't hold me to their mistakes. I can assure you that my relationship with your brother will not affect the friendship I have with you."

Laila scoffs.

"It already has if you've been lying to me."

I groan and shake my head.

"No, it wasn't like that. I told you I wanted to be certain things with him would pan out before bringing it up to you," I explained.

"And if they didn't, you just would've never said anything?" She accused.

"No, I still would have. I just-"

Laila's eyes widen and she's quick to cut me off.

"Is that the only reason you even befriended me?"

My jaw drops and I scoff.

"No Laila, absolutely not."

"It was, wasn't it? To get closer to my brother?" Laila continued on.

"No," I repeated louder, annoyed she would even make such an accusation.

She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at me.

"I felt bad for you, I didn't want you to spend the holidays alone. You said you had no home to go home to, was that a lie too? Just an excuse to get alone time with Zayn?" Laila sneers.

I feel tears pool in my eyes as her words hit me. I've been nothing but genuine with Laila, opening up to her about things that were super hard for me to even talk about. For her to throw it back in my face and accuse me of misleading her as a ploy to sleep with her brother was super upsetting.

"Is that really what you think of me?" I asked.

She snorts and shrugs her shoulders.

"I don't know what to think Ryder. You did the one thing I asked all you not to do and then lied about it. If you could hide something like this, as I'm sure this wasn't the first time, how am I to trust anything you've said? Anything you're saying now?"

I don't even know what to say to that. Clearly, her feelings are hurt and this isn't the best time to be having this conversation.

"You know, I think we should put a pin in this conversation for later. Emotions are high right now, I just need a moment," I sigh.

Laila rolls her eyes and drops her arms to her sides.

"Whatever, do what you want. I'm still too hungover for this."

I grab my headphones, phone and wristlet from my nightstand. I turn to leave but Laila clears her throat.

"Are you forgetting something?"

I turn around and stare at Laila in confusion.

"What?"

She points to the wastebasket with the used condom in it from last night.

"You don't expect me to dispose of my brother's used condom, do you?"

I sigh and walk over to the wastebasket. I pull the bag out and tie it tightly. I can feel Jasmine and Brooklyn's eyes burning into the side of my face as I walk past. I'm sure they heard every last bit of our conversation and are waiting to see what happens next.

I toss the bag in the dumpster outside and tug on my headphones. Music blasts through my speakers and drowns out any sound of the outside world. I start to walk with no real destination in mind. It's almost as if I'm on autopilot.

It's not until I see the outline of the pier in the horizon that I've realized how far I've walked. I stroll through the crowds of people and make my way towards the beach.

I found a less crowded spot on the beach not too far from the shoreline and took a seat.

I pulled my legs up into my chest and rested my head on my knees. I watched the waves recede and crash ferociously along the shore for a while.

My mind was at war. On one hand, I wish I would've said something sooner. I can see why Laila felt deceived and blindsided. But on the other hand, with all that she said, I wonder if it truly would've even mattered.

From what she said, I don't think she would've been receptive to it at all.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, pulling me from my thoughts.

I retrieve it from my pocket to see Zayn's name flashing across the screen with a cute photo I took of him recently. My heart swells in my chest and I answer it.

"Hey, where are you?" He asks, his voice slightly panicked.

"I'm at the beach, why?"

"The beach? The pier? How did you get there?"he questions.

"I walked."

"Shit, okay I'm coming to you. Stay put," Zayn orders.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Are you? Laila just showed up at my apartment freaking out. She said you two got into an argument and you stormed off," Zayn explained.

I groan and pinch my eyes with frustration.

"I didn't- we didn't argue. She was upset, she was making insane accusations and I just didn't think we were going to have a conducive conversation about it. So I went for a walk. I'm ... okay, I promise you."

I can hear his car door shut and the engine roar to life.

"She has a shit temper, I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of it. I'm coming to you now, it'll be like 25 minutes with traffic in the area. Please stay put and share your location with me, I'll see you soon baby."

He ends the call and I share my location with him. I turn my music back up and mindlessly people watch as I wait for him to arrive.

Quite some time goes by before I feel a hand brush against the side of my head. I jump at the contact and turn to see Zayn watching me, his eyes apprehensive.

I sigh with relief at the sight of him. He sits down next to me and squeezes my knee. I pause my music and remove my headphones.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hi," I replied back defeatedly.

His eyes scanned over my face and he sighed. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. From the argument with Laila to the little sleep I got, I feel so exhausted.

"You wanna talk about it?" Zayn asked.

"You remember when I told you I'd take care of the condom?" I sigh.

"Hmm, yeah. She did mention a condom in the midst of calling me a manwhore," Zayn laughs dryly.

I wince and shift to face him.

"Shit, she did?"

He nods and sighs.

"That, and many other things."

I pout and place my hand on his knee.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want it to go this way. I wanted to have a private conversation with her where I could break it to her gently. Though if I'm honest, I didn't think she was going to react this bad."

Zayn's eyes soften and he shakes his head.

"I should've known. She's always been weird about her friends liking me," he sighs.

"How come?"

"She's had a lot of people who only befriended her with the chances of getting to me. In my defense, I've only entertained two of them. She likes to exaggerate things, as if I encourage it and prey on her friends. But I can promise you Ry, I don't. I tried explaining to her how things were with you, with us. I tried to get her to understand why we didn't say anything at first but she was beyond reasoning," Zayn explained further.

I sighed and placed my head back on his shoulder.

"Yeah, maybe I'll just give her some space. Once the initial shock wears off, maybe she'll be more receptive to hearing me out."

Zayn's arm tightened around my waist and he pressed his lips to the top of my head.

"Yeah, maybe. Why don't you come back to mine for now? Let's spend the day together the way it's meant to be spent. Cuddling in bed and binging a good series."

I smile at the offer and nod.

"That sounds amazing, let's go."

Zayn brings me back to apartment and we lay in his bed watching Netflix like promised. My chest was pressed to his as he lay flat on his back. One hand rested on my butt as the other rubbed soothing circles on my back. At some point, we both passed out.

We awoke a few hours later, the sun already had set and I had a bunch of texts from Brooklyn.

Brooklyn: Hey, are you okay?

Brooklyn: Hey, where are you??

Brooklyn: I promise it's safe to come home now, Laila isn't raging anymore 😜

Brooklyn: I'll assume you're with lover boy, I expect a detailed report on this relationship when you get back...stay safe xx

I laugh at the last one and send her a quick text back.

"I'm going to use the bathroom and then we can head out," Zayn announced as he tied his shoe next to me.

"You know you don't have too, right? I'm not too far from the dorms, I can walk."

He side eyes me and his brows furrow together.

"Absolutely not, what kind of boyfriend would I be to let you walk back to your dorm in the dark?" Zayn scoffed.

He sat up and pulled me into his lap. There's a lazy grin on his face and his honey eyes bore into mine. Warmth radiates off of him and the scent of his cologne engulfes me. The adoration in his eyes and the way he holds me makes me wish I could just stay.

But I know tonight's not the night for that, it'll probably only rile Laila up more if I don't go back tonight. That's a discussion I just need to get through sooner than later.

"A pretty shit one, I guess," I mumble with a hint of humor.

His grin deepens and he nods.

"Exactly, and I intend to be anything but," Zayn replies.

His eyes drop to my lips and he leans in. He kisses me softly, his warm lips moving with mine delicately. Everything inside of me seems to perk up and come alive.

I wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through the hair at the back of his head. He sighs softly into my mouth and slides his hand beneath the back of my shirt. He trails his fingertips up my spine and hooks them into the back of my bra.

My heart starts to beat louder in my chest as I anticipate where this is going. I wouldn't protest a repeat of last night, if anything I'd actually jump at the opportunity.

But my desires are thwarted when I feel his hands drop and he pulls away from the kiss.

"We should probably call it a night before this goes any further," Zayn says.

I can't even suppress the frown that forms on my face. He mirrors my expression and cups my jaw.

"I'm sorry, you'd know I love to but it's getting late and we both have early classes tomorrow."

I sigh and nod.

"Ugh, fine. You're right, let's not get carried away."

He smiles softly and cups my chin. He presses a soft kiss to my lips.

"Next time, I promise," he mumbles against my lips.

The night air is colder than either of us expected, so he ends up driving me even though it's not that far.

I grow anxious as we pull into the dorm parking lot. Brooklyn may have insisted that Laila has cooled off but I'm afraid the second she sees me, it'll all come back.

Zayn's hand squeezes my knee and he clears his throat. I tear my gaze from the dorm building to meet his tender gaze.

"Do you want me to walk you in?"

I sigh and shake my head.

"No, I'll be fine. You go home and get some rest, I'll text you in the morning," I reply.

I unbuckle myself and lean across the center console to press a chaste kiss to his lips.

He groans as I pull away and sit back in my seat. His lips pout and he leans towards me.

"That was not a proper goodbye kiss, come here," he orders.

He places his hand on the back of my neck and presses his lips to mine. The kiss is swift yet endearing. He peppers kisses along my jaw and I let out a giggle as his stubble tickles me. I place my hands on his chest and push him back.

He sits back in his seat and grins warmly.

"Sorry, got carried away," he laughs.

I let out another laugh and shake my head.

"I could see that. Now that you've had your proper kiss, I'm going to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

He nodded and squeezed my knee.

"Goodnight Ry."

Zayn waited until I was in the dorm building before driving off. When I made it back to the dorm, it was pretty quiet. The living area was vacant and dark, just a small lamp on a table was on. Both doors to the other rooms were shut, but I could see the light from within peaking out from under the door. I exhaled deeply and entered my room. Laila was sitting on the bed, her back towards me as she scrolled mindlessly on twitter. I closed the door quietly behind me and she glanced over her shoulder.

Her darks eyes met mine with a clouded expression. She shifted her weight and turned towards me.

I plop down on my bed and face her.

"Hey," I mumbled, suddenly feeling so anxious again.

She sighed and crossed her arms.

"Hey," she replied.

A moment of silence goes by, our eyes avoidant of one another.

"You think we can have a conversation now?" I ask.

Her eyes meet mine and she shrugs indifferently.

"Sure."

I exhale again and unfold my hands in my lap.

"Okay, I guess I'll just start off by apologizing for keeping such a big secret from you. My relationship with your brother wasn't this planned out thing, it just happened. I didn't befriend you or use you to get closer to him. I genuinely just like spending time with you Laila. I'm sorry by keeping it a secret that I gave you that impression but that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to have a better understanding of where things were going with your brother so I could have a proper conversation with you."

She sighs again and drops her arms into her lap.

"I just... it's frustrating because I thought we were getting so close. I invited you home for the holidays, but now I.." Laila trailed off, her expression somber.

"We are getting close, no part of our friendship has been faked or inflated, I promise."

Her quizzical eyes met mine and she shakes her head.

"There's no point in us getting closer, now that you're with him, he's going to become the center of your world. I'll barely see you."

"That's not true Laila," I protest.

"And what happens when you guys inevitably break up? I doubt we'll stay friends. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation for me. That is why I didn't even want you two to get involved. I had good reason but you guys just did what you wanted anyway."

I sigh and get up from my bed. I walk over and sit down next to Laila.

"Laila, I'm telling you now, those two things aren't going to happen, okay? I promise you," I assure her.

She looks at me skeptically as she chewed her bottom lip.

"I promise," I repeat, my voice slightly desperate.

She sighs and nods.

"Okay, okay. But if you don't, I will obnoxiously scream 'I Told You So' from the top of my lungs, you understand me? I will never let you two live it down."

A soft smile pulls at my lips as I sigh with relief,

"Fair enough."

She smiles back and wraps her arms around me.

"I'm sorry for being such a bitch, I didn't mean the things I said. I was just hurt," Laila apologized.

She pulls away and offers me an apologetic smile.

"It's okay, I get it. I promise not to keep you in the dark anymore."

She smiles and holds out her pinky.

"No more secrets, right?" She prompted.

I intertwine my pinky with hers and nod.

"No more secrets."