Chapter 11 - The One Adored

*JOSH'S POV*

"You see that one there? It looks like Johnny Cash."

She pointed up at the cumulus sky, her finger prodding the cloud as if it were a piece of cotton wool suspended above our heads. Her nails were painted with chipped blue nail varnish; her thumbnail was the only one she chewed, so it was a small stub compared to the rest of her fingernails. My eyes focused on each tiny mark, each perfect imperfection on that delicate hand, and memorised them. I was relaxed, lying outstretched on my back, my breathing slow and even, with one hand behind my head and one around her waist. I wanted to capture this moment inside my brain and live in it forever.

"Do you see it? It's like his face in profile. What with the nose, and the quiff, and everything."

I laughed, and rolled over so I was facing her. She looked over at me, and then back at the heavens. As she did so, the sunlight fell on her face and caused her pupils to contract into black pinpricks, leaving more of her irises exposed. They were green, flecked with brown, reminding me of forests and peacocks. When the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly in a smile, her cheeks were plump and pink and healthy; her dimples and subtle acne scars only made her lovelier. I could see every eyelash, every thought that crossed her features.

"Hey, and that one kind of looks like a dog. Did Johnny Cash have a dog?"

"I don't know. Probably."

She joined in my laughter, the top of her nose crinkling up slightly. The light was shining on the strands of her hair fluttering in the breeze, which was fading from bright reds and pinks to more subdued hues, and beaming through her outstretched fingers. They looked like your fingers do when you put them over a flashlight: a black silhouette against the brightness, the outer layers of skin penetrated with orange.

She turned over so her back was against my chest, rested her head on my arm, snuggling against the warmth, and, tentatively, brushed her lips against my bicep. The sweetness of the gesture made me close my eyes; hesitantly, I put my mouth to her hair and inhaled, savouring the feeling. I was cautious as this was still so new to both of us - and yet I remembered similar sensations from when we had dated as teenagers. We had both been so young; it seemed insignificant compared to this powerful, meaningful thing we had now.

We were like two spoons; curled up in the foetal position on the picnic blanket, submerged in the liquid early-summer sunshine that poured over the park and turned everything varying shades of buttery yellow.

I guessed the fact I was holding Hayley in my arms meant I had finally given in. It didn't feel like giving in, though - it felt like I was finally embracing a part of myself I had been suppressing for a long while.

I don't know how long we were lying like that, but eventually Hayley stirred, causing me to open my eyes. We sat up, gradually adjusting to the present.

Being the evening, when most people were at home, this side of Nashville Centennial Park was empty. The replica of the Athenian temple to the left, with its slender, fluted pillars, dominated the skyline and cast shadows on the lawn. Our own shadows were stretched across the grass, elongated by the evening sun that hung just above the horizon. We stayed in the park just fifteen minutes longer to watch the sunset, and then packed up our things. Hayley folded the blanket into the basket and cleared away the crumbs and remnants of food. This day had been a faultless end to a faultless day; I didn't want it to end.

We walked back to my car, hand in hand, and I drove us back to Franklin.

Underneath the ecstasy, though, there was an underlying layer of guilt that was building the longer Hayley and I spent together. Our kiss had removed the final wall between us, and it felt like we had committed ourselves to something irreversible. There was no going back now. In just a few days, we had bound ourselves to something we both knew was doomed, but that was too wonderful to end. It raced along, unstoppable, like a train off its tracks. We had only two options: let it run its course, knowing this spark would eventually fizzle out and die, or do something to keep it burning. The thought of being without Hayley made the first impossible, and I was aware, deep down, that keeping her forever meant I had to lose Jenna. And she had to lose Chad.

I pondered over how Hayley felt about me. Did she love me? I thought so. And yet she hadn't actually said so yet, which left me open to worry. I did know that this wasn't just a game to her - having an affair was not something either of us took lightly. But I wanted to hear her say it, so I would know for sure I was doing the right thing.

Affair. I shuddered at the thought of the word, and the accompanying wave of shame implicated with it.

I could imagine what people would say when they found out. The whispers. If it wasn't me in this situation; if I was some other guy who heard about Josh Farro cheating on his wife - who was well-liked in Franklin's social circles - with his old girlfriend, I would be gossiping too.

If I didn't love Hayley, our lives would be much easier. Much simpler. But I was certain, in spite of all the consequences of this, that I was doing the right thing for me. I had no doubts in Hayley herself - only in how things beyond our control would work out.

I realised Hayley was looking at me, and I glanced over at her. Our hands were still entwined, resting under the dashboard. So much had changed over the last few days, it was almost unreal. I could hardly believe this was really happening; I kept feeling the urge to pinch myself, sure that I must be daydreaming. Josh Farro wasn't the reckless kind of person who would do something like this. Josh Farro was sensible. Reliable. Predictable.

"What?" I asked her curiously, feeling slightly self conscious as her eyes probed my face.

"Nothing." Hayley was staring at my mouth, and I wondered what she was thinking. She smiled, and glanced at the clock on the dash, which read just after 8. I watched worry pull her eyebrows together slightly.

"What's wrong?"

She faltered. "I told Chad I'd be home half an hour ago. I don't want him... I don't want him to be worried. He's been acting a little strange ever since he came home."

Chad. He had got back from touring just after Hayley had, and it saddened me to think of her going home to him. I felt a wave of jealousy for this man she technically belonged to. My claim on her seemed weak, breakable.

I'd only ever met Chad once or twice - the first time when we'd met New Found Glory when we were playing with them on the Warped Tour in 2007. My vague memories brought the image of a guy who had seven years and at least a foot on Hayley - I remember looking at them together later, when they started dating, and thinking how they looked mismatched; there she was: pint-sized, flame-haired, bubbly - but soft somehow - delicate; and then there was him: huge in almost every respect except his voice. He was tall, muscled, broad-shouldered and had large features, but when he opened his mouth, he spoke quietly, with quite a high timbre.

I wondered if he was good to her. They had been dating for over five years; Hayley must have loved him a lot - but did she still? Could she, even though she was doing this with me?

I can't even begin to sort out how I feel about Jenna. Lately, it had been difficult to define my feelings for her. It sounded awful, but it seemed like the more my love for Hayley developed, the more my love for Jenna was being eaten away. Who am I kidding? Everything about this is awful. But can my love for Hayley be evil? How can something so pure and sincere be wrong? Even though it pained me to think it, I knew truthfully that Jenna no longer held a stake in my heart. Hayley had taken it, along with every other part of it; along with every other part of me. Every piece of me was hers.

I could pinpoint the exact moment, in fact, that she'd taken this hold on me. It was the first time I'd seen her again, at Zac's funeral, when I'd observed her beauty - the colour she had splashed onto what had otherwise been such a black day. That feeling had blossomed into what it was now, all-consuming and undeniable.

I couldn't be with Hayley and still belong to Jenna at the same time. It wasn't fair on Jenna; it wasn't fair on Hayley, and it wasn't fair on me.

"Hayley... We can't properly be together until we're free of our respective partners," I blurted out abruptly. "I'll have to separate from Jenna... And you'll have to with Chad."

There was a silence, and I suddenly wished I hadn't said anything. I looked back at the road as I waited for her to speak, staring blankly through the windshield. Can I just expect her to break up with Chad? Can I demand that of her?

You have to, if you want to stay with her.

At last, Hayley squeezed my hand and sighed. "I know."

I released the air I had been holding in my lungs and met her gaze. "You do?"

"Yeah. I've been thinking about it since..." She broke off. "I just... It's going to be tough. Doing that to him. I'm going to feel awful. But I know... I know it's the right thing. I can't keep this is a secret from him." She took a deep breath, and her voice became stronger, more resolute. "And I'm not willing to give it up."

I stared at her. "Are you sure? You're willing to do that? Because, Hayley, I would never ask you to do something you weren't certain of. If you're not positive about this..."

"I am," she said assuredly. Her eyes were shining; there were tears there, but they weren't tears of stress and uncertainty. They were fierce with emotion. In those two words, I felt a huge weight removed from my shoulders.

"Good. Because I know I am." I smiled, and she returned it.

"Josh... I don't want to let this go. I can't. I... I love you."

"Hayley... I love you, too. I always have, I always will."

*HAYLEY'S POV*

"I'm home!" I called, shutting the door behind me and unzipping my jacket. I heard shuffling coming from the other room, and the sound of a drawer being hastily opened and shut. I paused. "Chad? Hello?"

He poked his head round the door, both hands held weirdly behind his back. "Oh, hi, Hayley. How's Kat?"

"Good," I bluffed. I'd told him I was going round Jeremy's to catch up with his wife; I just hoped he didn't mention it next time we were around them, or something. "We were just talking about girl stuff, you know. I got the bus back." Josh had actually dropped me off at the end of the road and I'd walked the rest of the way, not wanting Chad to ask who it was I'd got a lift from.

"Mm-hmm." He nodded absently, not quite looking me in the eyes. I was awful at lying; I did it so infrequently that I had had very little practice. I always thought life was easier if you told the truth, and it felt horrible to be making stuff up now; the lie sounded hollow and obviously false even to my own ears - but Chad didn't seem to notice. I weighed up his posture and the way he was leaning awkwardly against the doorframe, and took several seconds before I spoke again.

"Well," I said slowly. "I'm going to have a shower, and then I think I'm actually going to hit the sack. I'm tired."

"'Kay. I might be up a bit longer... I have some, um, stuff to sort out."

I took a final look at him - he gave me a small smile, and then scuttled back into the living room - and walked up the stairs. What's up with him?

I went into the bedroom in a dreamlike state, hardly paying attention to what I was doing, and entered the en suite bathroom connected to it. I acted on autopilot, turning on the water to let it warm up while I brushed through my hair. It was turning a light, faded orange now; I would need to re-dye it soon. As I ran the bristles harshly over my scalp, too impatient to work through the tangles properly, I looked at the nail scissors in the cabinet and thought randomly of taking them and chopping it all off. I shook my head slightly, wondering if I had finally gone mad.

I was just stepping into the shower before I realised I still had all my clothes on. I got out before I could get too sodden and undressed, tossing them in a heap by the laundry basket. I climbed back in and turned the water up to the highest pressure, feeling it pounding on my bare back. It was scalding hot, but I didn't turn it down. I tried to let the water wash away all of my thoughts, with the aim of calming me down, but it was impossible. My tension refused to evaporate like the steam now filling the bathroom. I glanced across at the mirror by the sink, which was rapidly being fogged up, and looked listlessly at the reflection of my naked body like it was a stranger there. I almost didn't recognise myself. I was thin - almost strikingly so - my hipbones jutted out a little alarmingly and I could easily count my ribs when I flexed my chest. It was because we'd been doing so many shows recently; I always lost weight when we were touring, as performing as energetically as I did was basically equivalent to doing a two-hour cardio workout every night - no matter how many pizzas Jeremy ordered in for us to eat on the tour bus to compensate.

Spilling over with a toxic concoction of guilt, anxiety and a twisted sense of pleasure that infuriated myself, I just felt so torn in every direction. Spending time with Josh made me happy, but I wouldn't allow myself to feel happy because I knew what it would do to Chad if he found out. He would be devastated, and I hated myself for doing this to him. I thought about what Josh had said in the car - about having to leave Chad. I knew he was right, but doing it was going to be excruciating. I didn't know when was the best time. Is there ever a best time? What, shall I wait until he's in a particularly good mood, so that when I drop the bombshell that I'm breaking up with him, it doesn't hit him quite so hard? For God's sake, Hayley, just get it over with.

But I found myself stalling, thinking about how oddly Chad had been behaving over the last few days. Ever since he'd got back from his tour, he'd been evading me - almost as if he knew something was up. I felt a stab of panic. Does he know? Does he know about Josh and I? I tried to reason it through, telling myself Josh and I had only kissed one time a few days ago, and how could he have found out about that? Still, I thought about the way Chad had been acting around me - like he was hiding something - and worried.

I went through the tedium of shampooing, rinsing, conditioning and body-washing automatically, and eventually shut off the water. I got changed into a set of pyjamas and lazily raked my fingers through my dripping hair to smooth it out. I couldn't be bothered to dry it properly, and so when I left the bathroom and climbed into bed, I could feel my pillow being soaked as I rested my head on it. I didn't care. I pulled the covers up to my chin and wrapped my arms around my knees, listening to the sound of the television Chad was watching downstairs and staring into the darkness.

Tomorrow, I decided. I can't live a lie like this. I've accepted that I love Josh, and there's nothing I can do about that. I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll tell Chad.

Why do I denyThe things that burn insideDown deep I'm barely breathingBut you just see a smileAnd I don't wanna let this goReally, I just want to know

If I let you love meBe the one adoredWould you go all the way?Be the one I'm looking for