Chapter Forty-One

I walk across a cool marble floor, my footsteps echoing in the silence.

"Just imagine it, Kaida... her energy, instead of yours..." Juro's voice murmurs in my head. Hiroto kneels in front of me, eyes wide and fearful.

"Please... please, Kaida..." she begs, body shaking as I raise my hand to her. I shake my head, the image making me feel sick, and the scene changes.

"Wait! W-wait please!" I cry out, cheek pressed firmly against the wall. I see the needle coming towards me and Juro's eyes, glinting in the darkness.

"It will only hurt for a moment..." he tells me. Fear makes my entire body quiver and I can feel the panic building. No... no I was home. I was safe. Please, not again... my mind races, heart thundering. Is it possible? Possible that it was all an illusion? Katsuki... Shiori... I start gasping, dragging in frantic lungfuls of air. It can't be... I was just there... I struggle against Aneurysm's hold and instantly cry out, my side screaming with pain. I try to breathe through it, confusion and fear making it hard to focus, but it happens again, the pain searing through me like a knife in my side.

"Kaida! Hey!" I wake up dry heaving and retching, my side twinging with the pain of moving around and my head spinning. My heart races as I try to catch my bearings and Katsuki holds me up, trying to support my ribs as best he can. I wince, hunching over and holding my arm close to my injured side.

"Damn it..." I hiss, trying to let my frustration overtake my fear. It doesn't work though. My hands shake and I feel unsteady as the dream burns itself into my mind. I was... I... I suck in a shuddering breath, suddenly overcome by tears, and when I start to cry, Katsuki's eyes widen.

"What is it? Kaida, what's wrong?" he asks, bewildered as he tries to move my hands from in front of my face and check me for more injuries. I shake my head, chest shaking with sobs and ribs protesting against the offending motion.

"I... I can't..." I mumble, voice breaking as the crying just gets worse.

"Can't what? What is it?" he asks me, grabbing my face and trying to swipe the tears away, but they just keep coming. What I did to Hiroto... what he did to me... I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could forget.

"Kaida, please..." Katsuki whispers, his voice betraying how alarmed he is. I open my eyes, panic making it so hard to look at him head on, but I do it anyway.

"They made me hurt someone... Katsuki" I cry, grabbing the hand that holds my face. His eyes widen a bit and he shakes his head, not quite understanding.

"What do you...?"

"He injected me with this... this thing and I... I..." I cry harder, hardly able to breathe.

"Hey, stop... it's okay... you don't have to tell me now. Stop... come here" Katsuki tells me, ignoring his desire to know and pulling me against him instead, careful to adjust the way he's sitting so that the action doesn't hurt me any more than I'm hurt already. I bury my face against him, crying harder than I have in a long time as all of the emotions over the last few weeks overwhelm me. Fear, pain, anger... all of it converges at once and I feel like I'm drowning in it. I clutch Katsuki's arm, holding him as tightly as I can. How can I say something like that? How can I tell him what I've done? What was done to me? How do I look him in the eyes and tell him that for a split second, I was looking through my own eyes at someone I was hurting... and I enjoyed it? It doesn't matter if it wasn't really me... doesn't matter that it was under someone else's influence. It was my hand that caused the damage and my quirk that made it possible.

"I'm here..." he tells me softly. I can't help but wonder why. In this moment, seeing me this way... I can't help but wonder what makes him stay and how he can love someone as monstrous as me.

"I'm afraid..." I whisper and Katsuki grows very quiet for a moment, his body stiffening. I've never said those words to anyone before and for a moment, I wonder if he realizes that.

"I know" he murmurs softly, cradling my head against him. I don't know if it's his tone or the way he holds me, but I suddenly feel like he does know... like maybe he understands perfectly what I'm feeling. That knowledge serves as a comfort, slowly but surely calming my anxieties and slowing my heart down. I relax against him, slowly finding my peace and eventually growing tired, the pain in my side exhausting me all over again. I yawn, eyes starting to droop shut.

"I... love you... Katsuki" I mumble sleepily, leaning against him and struggling to fight the sleep that pulls me under, but it's to no avail. The last thing I feel before I pass out is the warmth of his chest and his heartbeat against my cheek... it's a feeling that makes me feel safe once again.

______________

The next few days before my visit to Recovery Girl are agonizing and I don't stop voicing as much whenever anyone's around to hear it.

"Finally... this could not have come soon enough" I say as Shiori walks me to the nurse's office. She rolls her eyes, opening the door for me.

"I know. You've said as much literally five million times" she reminds me. I smile sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders and wincing instantly. FUCK THESE BROKEN RIBS.

"Well, I meant it" I grumble through clenched teeth, irritated by the inescapable pain. Shiori sighs as we go inside, deciding not to argue with me. I know I'm probably being a pain in the ass, but the problems I've been facing with all of this limited mobility have been nothing short of absolutely fucking annoying.

"Ah, if it isn't my most frequent flyer" Recovery Girl chimes when she sees us. I give her a hard smile, trying not to show how irritated I am by literally everything.

"Please heal me. I'm freaking out" I tell her, abandoning my plan immediately apparently. She raises her eyebrows, looking to Shiori who only shrugs.

"Don't ask me. She's been moodier than usual" she says. I frown grumpily, taking a seat on one of the infirmary beds as instructed. Recovery Girl sighs and walks over to me, giving me a stern look.

"Don't go giving people trouble just because you're in pain. That's brat behavior and I won't stand for it here" she informs me. I make a face, but back down immediately. Recovery Girl is the only one around that can fix me up and I'll be damned if I sass her.

"Yes ma'am" I mumble. The old woman smiles at me approvingly, patting my arm before puckering up. I close my eyes, waiting for the healing to begin and when it does, I let out a yelp.

"Ah, what is that?" I manage breathlessly. Shiori straightens worriedly, eyes watching me.

"What happened? Are you okay?" she demands, but I don't know. My ribs med back together in the same way most of my broken bones have in the past, but pain rolls through me and nausea makes my head spin. Whoa...

"Don't worry, Shiori. Your sister is recovering from far more than the obvious physical injuries. A great deal of her internal organs were either severely damaged or ruptured before she was rushed to the hospital... that's why we have to heal her in increments to avoid any complications" Recovery Girl explains, easing both of our minds but doing nothing for the waves of pain and illness washing over me.

"This sucks..." I pant, clutching my side. Shiori still eyes me nervously, but once the healing is over, my body finally relaxes and my side feels loads better. I sigh in relief, finally able to breathe without stopping short.

"Oh thank god" I sigh, nearly laughing. Finally.

"Don't forget, Kaida. You have one more visit with me before training. Do you think you can manage that?" Recovery Girl demands firmly, raising an accusing brow at me. I make a face.

"Of course I can" I reply. She gives me a flat stare before turning to Shiori.

"She must come back here at the end of the week for her final treatment. She might feel all better now, but she still has some internal damage that needs tending to. Make sure she doesn't try to start exercising too soon, otherwise the consequences could be fatal..." she prattles off instructions to my sister and Shiori nods along expertly, absorbing everything.

"Hey! I'm right here, you know! I can take care of myself!" I complain, irritated again. Shiori looks up at me, a smirk on her face.

"Right... you know it's okay for you to count on me once in a while..." she says and I immediately clam up. Count on her... I look away. No... making her take care of me is where I went wrong in the first place. Besides, if I'm honest, I don't think I could lose her again.

"No, it's fine. I've got it under control" I say, a bit more shortly than I intend. Shiori looks hurt, but I try to brush it off with a reassuring smile as I get up and shake off the exhaustion that comes with healing.

"See you at the end of the week" I tell Recovery Girl as we walk out. She watches me suspiciously, but she doesn't stop me.

"See you then, dear" she says and once Shiori and I exit, she speaks up.

"What was that in there?" she asks carefully. I raise an eyebrow, instantly falling back into my routine. It's not her job to worry about me and she was right when she said as much before.

"What? Nothing. I'm fine. I was just really wiped out" I say, laughing sheepishly. Shiori frowns, not buying it.

"Kaida... something's been up with you lately... can you just talk to me?" she asks, but it rubs me the wrong way. How can she ask me to talk to her? To let down all the walls I built for her? How can she ask me to do that after leaving me? I shake my head.

"Just leave it alone, Shiori. It's fine" I insist, continuing our walk.

"Kaida, wait" she says, grabbing my arm. I freeze, heart slamming against my ribs.

"Shiori..." I say, a warning in my voice, but she's relentless.

"You've been so closed off since we made up... you hardly talk to me about anything real, you always bottle up your emotions whenever something goes wrong... what's going on with you? Please... just tell me..." she pleads and I can't help it. I get angry and snatch my arm away from her, taking a breath to try and calm myself.

"You don't want me to talk to you Shiori. In fact, the last time I was so open with you, you left me. I don't want that. Not ever again!" I snap, whirling on her. Her eyes widen, shock making all of her features appear that much more innocent. It makes guilt burn through me.

"Kaida... that's not..."

"It doesn't matter. I can't stand to lose you again and honestly? It's fine. I'm dealing with everything just fine on my own. I don't need you taking care of me anymore, okay? So just... drop it. Please" I interrupt, feeling on the verge of another emotional overload. Shiori's eyes grow glassy a funny look on her face.

"You don't have to do it alone..." she says and I shake my head.

"Stop..." I try, but she's already speaking again.

"I never meant for it to happen like that! I don't resent you for any of it... I did... I just... I just wanted to be my own person for once and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I said things that... that hurt you" she stammers. I flinch, the gravity of her words feeling more dangerous than comforting.

"Shiori, stop... it's okay" I tell her, but she shakes her head again.

"It's not. I miss you, Kaida. I miss the way we used to be... maybe things are better now in certain aspects of our lives, but I never wanted us to change. I never wanted our closeness to evaporate like it has" she replies and at this point, I'm just feeling broken and lost. My chest aches and exhaustion makes it hard to keep a brave face.

"Then why? Why push me away like that?" I ask her and I can hear the tiredness in my own voice. Shiori's gaze grows even sadder.

"I was so angry at the time... I didn't know what I was doing. We both said some things... I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know what to do... I just wanted the chance to be myself... but I never wanted to be myself without you. We're sisters, Kaida. We fight and we get upset at each other, but that will never change... okay?" she insists, eyes so intense and gaze so honest, that it's impossible not to believe her.

"Yeah... okay..." I say, but I'm hesitant to let myself feel as hopeful as I have in the past. Shiori coming back to me, saying things that I always imagined she would? Can it be real?

"Kaida" she says, commanding my attention. I look up at her, still unsure.

"I'm serious. I want you to talk to me..." she reiterates. I take a deep breath, slowly feeling myself open up, even if it's not all the way.

"Okay" I reply again, a bit more conviction in my tone this time. Shiori smiles a little, even if it's a sad one, and loops her arm through mine.

"Let me walk you back to your room" she says and I nod, trying to allow myself to relax. Shiori has never really lied to me before and I don't have a reason to believe she would now, but it's so difficult for me to lay my burdens down... especially after all that's happened. How can I lay all of that down on anyone? And how would it be fair to? Shiori walks me home in better spirits, constantly trying to make me laugh, but my thoughts plague me still. After everything Juro put me through... how can I ever trust anyone again? Or worse... how can I expect anyone else to trust me?