Chapter Nine

No one comes to see me over the weekend. In fact, the only person I see outside of Recovery Girl after my fight with my sister is Mr. Aizawa when he comes to admonish me about my behavior on the field. For the first time in my life, I didn't even argue with him. I just sat, numb and apathetic to the conversation before I just asked him to leave. I always knew my sister and I were the best at pushing each other's buttons... but I didn't think we'd ever be so far apart.

Now, as I lie on my bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling, I wonder if she feels differently. If she never saw the future I did. I look over to the photograph I have of our mother and shame burns through me. I tip the picture over, hiding our mother's face. I don't want her to see it... not after I let her down so much.

Knock, knock, knock.

I sit up and stare at the door, a strange feeling in my gut. Somehow I know it's not Shiori... but part of me wants it to be. Even if the greater part of me just wants her to stay away. I get up and open the door to see Midoriya standing there, an unsure expression on his face.

"What are you doing here?" I ask and I'm surprised by the deadness in my voice.

"I came to check on you..." he begins. I sigh, leaving the door open and walking back into my room to sit.

"I'm fine" I tell him, flexing my left hand as I remember the pain stabbing through it before.

"Have you eaten?" he asks me and I have to laugh a little.

"Eaten? I haven't even left my room" I reply. He winces, an infuriating look on his face.

"You should eat something" he tells me and I roll my eyes.

"I'm not going out there" I say shortly and he hesitates, piquing my interest only slightly.

"She's not... here anymore" Midoriya tells me and I'm hurt by the lack of surprise I feel. I look away from him, feeling like I'm shrouded in darkness.

"I know" I murmur, but I don't ask where she went. Shiori wouldn't give up on being a hero because of me... but she wouldn't stick around either. How much better does it get? Being a part of a class that has almost zero chance of running into me?

"Someone from 3-B helped her move her things over the weekend so... if that's what you're worried about..." he trails off.

"It's not" I interrupt, looking at him again. I sigh.

"Honestly, I want to be left alone, if that's cool with you" I add with a bit more force than I mean to. Midoriya pauses but eventually nods and goes to leave.

"Oh, Shoto..." he says at my door. I look up to see Todoroki and a weird feeling washes over me.

"Hey... can I come in?" he asks calmly. Midoriya looks back at me for permission and I just nod, trying not to give him a look.

"It's fine" I say and he gives me a half smile before leaving me and Todoroki alone.

"I'd offer you a drink but..." I shrug, gesturing around to my sparsely decorated room. He smiles a bit, taking a seat beside me on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he wonders and I let out a lengthy sigh.

"I'm getting really tired of that question today" I reply and he nods.

"That makes sense... is there anything I can do to help?" he asks and I finally crack a little bit of a smile.

"I doubt it... no offense" I say and his smile widens a bit. Somehow the expression makes the cold feel just a little less harsh and I suddenly feel like melting into a puddle of tears.

"None taken. Why don't we..." his voice cuts off suddenly when I drop my head against his shoulder, desperately trying to keep from crying.

"Can we just stay like this for a minute?" I whisper, knowing I've probably made him uncomfortable. Todoroki is quiet for a moment, body stiff, but before long he puts his hand over mine lightly and relaxes against me. I close my eyes, tears spilling out anyway. After everything, after losing my mom, I thought I'd always have Shiori. My best friend... my sister. Through everything, we were supposed to be there for each other and now?

All this time I worked so hard to protect her always and become someone she could be proud of. I made mistakes constantly, but I fought every day for us. I fought all the time not to let my own doubt or despair drown us. I fought to forget that night, forget the way I felt like knives were shredding me apart at the sight of our mom being carried away. I fought to stop myself from ever feeling as helpless as I did that night, sobbing on her bedroom floor and screaming like the sheer volume of my voice might bring her back to life. I pushed myself to be normal for my sister. To be the best hero to protect her. To hide it every time our father passed out on the front steps or I caught him wandering off at night. I fought so hard to make sure she didn't feel like she needed to take care of everything and... it wasn't enough. She told me as much herself. Instead of making things easier, I was her burden and now, all I can do is sit here, wondering what I could've done differently. Wondering why my best wasn't enough in the end.

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My classrooms feel empty without my sister and as the first day back goes on, all I can think about is what faces she'd be making at me or what jokes she would've laughed at. I alternate between depression and fury for the first three periods, snapping at Mineta for the millionth time just before heading to lunch, and isolating myself from the girls who've been so kind to me since my first day.

I make my way to the cafeteria alone, trying to ignore everything around me, but when I get there, I see my sister across the room. She freezes, staring straight at me and for a moment, I can't breathe. My chest aches and along with the hurt comes the anger at her, anger that she never appreciated how hard I worked for her or how much I just cared about staying together. The betrayal stings so deeply that my appetite is gone in seconds and I break eye contact immediately, turning and leaving. I know I can't be in the same room right now, so I walk off. Outside, I can finally take a deep breath, reigning in my out of control emotions.

"What are you doing out here?" Bakugo grumbles and I jump, turning to face him furiously.

"YOU DON'T OWN THE SCHOOL GROUNDS, BAKUGO!" I yell and he blinks in surprise.

"That's a first" he mutters. I grit my teeth, flustered and angry.

"What is?" I snap and he raises an eyebrow at me. Even he's tiptoeing around me and it's pissing me off.

"Usually I'm the one picking fights" he replies and all of the anger deflates out of me all of a sudden. He's right. I am trying to pick a fight with him... for what? Why? Why can't I...? I turn away from him again, feeling stupid and angry at myself for getting so worked up. So what? It's just a fight right?

"Hey" he begins, that cocky tone of voice coming out again. I shake my head.

"Please, Bakugo... I..." I slam my mouth shut, face red and eyes blurry. Damn it. What the hell is happening to me?

"You can talk about it... if you want. I'll pretend I didn't hear anything" he says suddenly and it shakes me, making me feel unsettled and confused, and just desperate for it. Part of me feels like I never had anyone to listen and now, here he is, no bullshit, no prying, just an offer to be the thing I need most. I refuse to look at him, planting my feet firmly and staring out over UA's campus as the lump in my throat only grows bigger.

"When my mom was murdered... I gave myself one day. That day I cried and I screamed and I begged whatever god was listening to give her back to us" I begin, saying the words I never spoke aloud, even to Shiori.

"I offered everything I could... and when the next day came, I ignored it. I shoved those images so far down that I almost had myself convinced I was okay. I didn't even go to her funeral..." I choke, ignoring the tears that Bakugo can't see anyway as I remember the day. Remember Shiori's anger and my father's grief.

"It kept replaying in my head, you know? Mom telling me to protect my sister... to make my father smile... I dreamt about her all the time. But my sister needed me to be normal. Everyone did. You don't have time to grieve when you want to be the number one hero, right? So I didn't stop. I trained until I bled. I pushed myself to my limit every time. I barely slept and I was late to everything, but I was getting stronger. Shiori didn't know that every time she fell asleep after finishing her homework, I was the one that tucked her in. She didn't see that for every notecard she made for me, I was cleaning up messes she thought she'd gotten to already. I couldn't let her think she didn't have it all together... I couldn't let her fall apart to take care of us because I knew she thought she had to..." I shake my head. I know I didn't do as much for her as she did for me... I know I couldn't keep her on track the way she kept me on track but I never let her do it alone. Not even once.

"So every emotional melt down there was, I picked up the pieces. Every time I saw her getting uncomfortable or lost, I made even more of a spectacle of myself just to draw the attention away. I just wanted... I wanted her here with me" I whisper, the ache in my chest turning into a throbbing and gaping thing.

"Mom was gone and I couldn't make any of my pieces fit together the right way anymore. So I just pushed it all away. I sucked it up and made sure that at the very least, I remained constant... you think I don't know I'm being obnoxious? That I don't see how hot headed and stubborn I am? It's exhausting... but I couldn't just give up and now..." I take a shuddering breath and force the shaking in my hands to still. I close my eyes, bowing my head and inhale again, imagining my lungs slowly filling before letting the breath back out again.

"Now I don't even have Shiori to be strong for. Without her... I'm exactly what I always knew I was..." I say finally, a disappointing calm coming over me.

"What's that?" Bakugo asks and I find myself surprised that he stayed through all of this. I look back at him, knowing my face and eyes are an irritated red and that I must look a mess.

"Nothing. I'm nothing without her" I reply and an expression comes over his face that I can't read. He gets up, startling me with that serious look.

"Don't ever say shit like that" he says firmly. My eyes widen, meeting his red ones with disbelief.

"Bakugo..."

"And stop crying so much. What do you have to be sad for, huh? You did your best, right? So what if it didn't go your way in the end. If you give up now, all that hard work's wasted. Maybe Shiori comes back, and maybe she doesn't. But if she does, do you really want to be stuck in the same spot you were in when she left?" he finishes and it feels like the breath has been stolen from my lungs. I never expected Bakugo of all people to say anything even remotely close to comforting but somehow... somehow it's exactly what I needed to hear. The ache in my chest softens ever so slightly and when I look back out over the campus, I have a bit of a smile on my face.

"When did you get so insightful?" I wonder, earning a glare.

"Hey, if I'm pretending I didn't hear any of that, so are you!" he shouts. I laugh a little, the release of all of that anger and pain feeling like an enormous weight being lifted.

"What? Afraid if people see that the great Bakugo has a heart, they'll know right where to strike?" I retort. He growls under his breath but I can see his cheeks flush under his surly expression.

"I'm never giving you advice again" he swears. I shake my head, genuine warmth spreading through me.

"Don't worry, Bakugo, you're secret's safe with me. No one will ever know what an enormous softy you are" I tease and steam starts rolling off of him.

"Damn it, Ito. Stop saying stuff like that!" he shouts and I smile at him. A fully fledged, truly thankful smile.

"Thanks, Bakugo" I tell him and he stops suddenly, his face changing in an instant. He looks away from me immediately, definitely still embarrassed.

"Don't mention it" he mutters.

For a while, the two of us sit outside together, taking in the fresh air and letting our previous conversation fade into the background. Bakugo is probably still the most annoying person I've ever met, but he's also kinder than he seems and the thought of it makes this whole mess a bit easier to take. Once lunch is over, we go inside together but we don't really talk again for the rest of the day. Instead, I'm finally able to focus on classwork and though my kanji isn't perfect, I even take notes. It's true, Shiori really did hold me up in a lot of ways, but my conversation with Bakugo made me realize that I held a lot of things on my plate too and maybe... maybe I'm not amazing in the same way Shiori always seemed to be, but I'm amazing in my own right. Maybe that's something I should learn to be proud of.

My walk home this time isn't as desolate and after class, when Yaoyorozu catches up to me, I don't push her away or try to shut her out.

"Hey, Kaida. Are you doing anything in a bit?" she asks, beaming brightly. It feels a little bitter sweet but if there's one thing I know in this moment, it's that Shiori and I both need our space. Even if it hurts.

"Not really... what'd you have in mind?" I wonder and she grins, excited.

"Class 3-A is going to the beach! Want in?" she offers and though I'm reluctant, Bakugo's words come back to me. Do I want to be in the same place I've always been?

"Yeah, sure" I blurt, already nervous. Yaoyorozu beams and the whole way back to the dorm chatters on and on about how exciting it'll be for all of us to finally get out together. I try my best to keep up the enthusiasm but despite my best efforts, I'm still not one hundred percent on board.

"Is everyone going?" I ask and a mischievous grin spreads across her face.

"As in, is Todoroki going?" she corrects and my face flushes. Is it so obvious that I'm interested in him? Yaoyorozu just laughs.

"Of course he is" she assures me. I try to laugh it off but there's no hiding the redness in my cheeks. When Yaoyorozu sees it, she insists on helping me pick out an outfit and once I let her in my room I already know, my days of solidarity are over.