i'll always need you

✈︎

Mike and El are hanging out as they usually do. Sitting on El's bed, legs spread out across the duvet, laughing and talking about whatever comes to mind. What could possibly be better than this?

Then, out of nowhere, El sit's up and glares at Mike. Like he said or did the most awful thing in the world. Mike's eyebrows furrowed together, "El? Are you okay?"

She was now standing at the end of the bed, still glaring at him. "You are useless. You know that? Seriously, why do you think I need you? I don't, and I never have."

"What are you talking about?"

"Face it, Mike! I don't need you anymore!"

He can't think, just his mind circling over 5 words over and over again.

I don't need you anymore.

I don't need you anymore.

I don't need you anymore.

"W-what?" He's finally pulled out of his thoughts, staring at El with glassy eyes. "We've had our fun, Mike. But think about it. I'm across the country now, and I have new friends. Does it really seem like I care about you anymore?"

He didn't respond, only looking at her with a shocked expression.

"Don't give me that look. You saw it coming. How couldn't you? You knew I was going to go to Italy eventually, leaving you all by yourself. To be honest, you shouldn't even come this weekend. It's not like I'm going to pay attention to you anyway." She said nonchalantly, flicking her fingernails.

"I shouldn't come?" He echoes quietly. "No, you shouldn't. I don't want you getting in the way, and I don't need you. I already told you that you're going to have to get used to the way things are now. I won't be here to hold your hand through it, Mike. It's annoying and you need to be more independent." She snaps.

You need to be more independent.

"It's really annoying when I have to comfort you every single time. Can't you just deal with it yourself? God, it's so pathetic. You're pathetic."

You're pathetic.

"I can't believe I've stuck with you all these years. It's just the same thing over and over again. You overreacting, you making a big deal and me fixing you up. It's so tiring. Always about you, you, you!"

I can't believe I've stuck you all these years.

"S-stop it, El." He begs, he can't even look at her. This is not his best friend. This is not the girl he loves.

"I can't put the truth back in the box. You need to hear this. Maybe you'll get through your thick skull that I don't need you. Maybe you'll realize I never liked you at all," El laughs darkly, "If I would have known you would end up like this, I wouldn't have trusted you."

"stop it." He repeats, the words swirling around in his mind, repeating themselves over and over again.

I don't need you.

You're pathetic.

I can't believe I've stuck with you.

I don't need you.

You need to be more independent.

You are useless.

Mike put's his face in his hands. He wants it to stop.

Why won't it stop?

He needs El- No. He needs to deal with this alone.

He can't depend on her so much. But he just wants her here so bad. He wants the real El. Not this.. monster.

"Man up, you're acting like a crybaby. This is why being so dependent on something can come right back and kick you in the butt. You did this to yourself."

"Stop it!" He cries again, his voice muffled by his hands.

"You stop it! You can't sit here and cry, do something about it!"

You're acting like a cry baby.

"S-stop talking!" He says louder, his voice still wobbling.

I don't need you anymore.

It just repeats. Over and over and over again. He can't think about anything else except how utterly pathetic he is, he's too much of a crybaby, he's useless, El doesn't need him. El deserves better than him.

El doesn't need him, and she never has.

Mike wakes up quickly, gasping for air as he reached out for something, used to El being right there. But his hands were met with emptiness, just the coldness of his dark blue sheets.

His knees were brought to his chest as he tucked his head in between them, rocking himself back in fourth. He needed to be quiet. If his mom or dad, or Holly heard him, they would know how pathetic he is.

Crying over a dream. How stupid.

Just like in his dream, he couldn't stop thinking about how El said she didn't need him.

What if that was true and he was just imagining all of the good things that happened between them?

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he kept his mouth glued shut, careful not to let anything out. His throat felt like it was closing up, and he couldn't breathe. His oxygen wasn't there.

He cried quietly, nothing but darkness and emptiness surrounding him.

Mike wanted El- no, he needed her.

He needed her right here, next to him, hugging him and telling him everything would be okay. But it wouldn't be because she wasn't here and he was alone.

I don't need you.

"Stop it." He whispered, sniffling loudly. His mind wouldn't stop. He felt like he wasn't in control of his body now, he wasn't the one controlling his actions.

His heart was racing and he couldn't take a deep breath to calm down, instead he was breathing heavily and quickly. His eyes were glued shut, trying to imagine happy thoughts. But all he could think about was El's face in his dream, dark and completely unlike her.

Quiet sobs escaped his mouth and he couldn't stop it now. The tears came down even faster and he couldn't control the small cries he was making. God he never hated himself more.

"I hate myself," He whispered again and again, his nail digging into the palm of his hand harshly. Maybe, he thought, if I distract myself, the pain will go away. So his nail stayed pressing into his palm, digging it in further when it didn't hurt enough.

But the pain in his hand only made him cry harder. El would be so disappointed in him if she knew he was doing this to himself.

He promised. He promised he wouldn't do this.

He was breaking her promise.

But he couldn't bring himself to stop pressing his nail into his palm, he deserved to feel this pain. After all he was pathetic, and no one needed him.

No one.

He couldn't stop crying.

The good side of his thoughts were pleading him- begging him to go downstairs and call her. But then she would know he broke her promise.

She would know he was doing this to himself. She would be distracted from italy. He would cause her to fail art school. He would ruin everything.

But he couldn't breathe and the only way he knew how to calm down, was when El was talking to him.

So he brought his head out of his knees and walked out of his room quietly, his hand covering his mouth in cause he sniffled too loud. He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, turning on a light and grabbing the phone off of the wall and calling the number El gave him before she left.

✈︎

El woke up due to the sound of the phone ringing loudly from the kitchen. She looked over and checked the time, 7:23 AM. Who would be calling her right now?

It was barely light outside, the sun starting to rise.

She got out of bed, looking at Sofia in the bed across the room, snoring loudly with her hair going a million different directions. El smiled softly before she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

She walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone, yawning before she did so.

"Hello?" She asked sleepily.

"E-El?"

She knew that voice. It was Mike. And he sounded like he was crying.

"Mike? What's wrong?" She asked softly, panic rising inside her. "I-" He couldn't get another word out before she heard him break down. All she could hear was heartbreaking cries and hiccuping from the other line.

"God, get it together, Mike. She was right, you are pathetic." She heard him whisper to himself. Who was right?

"Mike, breathe-"

"I c-can't!" He sobbed, his lungs felt tight and he couldn't see a thing around him.

She wasn't here so he couldn't breathe.

"Mike," She said sternly. "Listen to me."

He stayed quiet, well tried to, and she talked. "Take a deep breath in," She heard him inhale, "Now hold it for a few seconds, and let it out."

She made him keep doing that until he was finally calm, no more crying, just sniffles and hiccuping. "Do you want to tell me-"

"Do you need me?" He asked, quickly. El furrowed her eyebrows, what kind of question was that?

"Of course I do."

"Are you lying?" He wasn't joking around, he was fully serious.

"No, I'm not. What is this-"

"Let me talk." He said, taking in another deep breath. "Okay," She said quietly.

"Whether you need me or not, you need to know that I can't even go a day without hearing your voice. I feel like I'm just..trapped inside my brain. No one wants to talk to me, and I know it. No one wants to listen to me, they don't care how much it fucking hurts. And I know, it's really stupid and pathetic how much I depend on the simplest things. Like your smile. When you laugh, or when you smile at me I feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off of my chest. And you don't understand how much hearing your voice helps me breathe. When I'm here, in my room and I can't hear you, but I can in my head it's like my lungs are slowly closing up. Every second I don't hear you, the more I can't breathe. And I just want these words in my head to go away, they just keep repeating and repeating and- god I just want them to go away, El. You have no idea how much I want them to go away. I just want it to go away."

El slowly takes in everything he says and takes a deep breath before she answered. "I want to listen to you," She responded weakly. "So talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"I had another nightmare. This one was worse. I can't- it was... you said that.. I just want it to stop."

Her heart broke.

El remembered the last nightmare he had, and she could only imagine what this one would be about.

"Okay.. tell me about it."

He tells her everything. What happened in the dream, what happened afterwards. El is in tears when he finishes, she doesn't know what she could've done to make him think that she didn't need him. He was the only thing she needed.

"Oh Mike," She said, sniffling. "I'm so sorry. You know I would never say that right?"

"I know." There was something uncertain in his tone. The dream was too real. It was way to real and he was starting to believe what the El in his dream was saying.

"You're not pathetic. That's the last thing that you are. You aren't useless either, you help me through the lowest of lows and you know exactly what to do when I'm upset. You're not a crybaby, either. You are so brave, and I have no idea how you even stayed asleep during that dream. I could never do that. You put on a brave face when I'm scared, so i have nothing to worry about. You're my best friend, Mike. I'll always need you."

She let a small sob out. "I h-hate that I can't be there for you." She cries, making Mike feel extremely bad. He made her cry. Once again, he fucked up.

It's all your fault.

You did this to her.

"I just w-want to hug you," She sputtered, wiping her eyes quickly. "I'm so mad at myself, why did I think I could do this? I need you to help me get through it.." She mumbled.

"I should just come home. I won't be good enough for the art program anyways and-"

"Hey. Don't even think that. Don't say that ever again. You can do this, you were born for this moment. You were always going to go to Italy, you were always going to. You won't come home until the program has ended you understand? And you are probably better than half of the people in that school, better than the teachers! I don't know anymore more talented than you."

"Who in the world are you talking to?" Sofia asks from behind El, wiping her eyes with a yawn. El quickly wipes her eyes and turns around. "Mike."

"ohh.. okay." Sofia said with a wink, walking back into their room. "I miss you so much, Mike." El says quietly. "me too."

"It doesn't feel like home here, even though I'm living here for the next few months, it doesn't feel right. I know it's only because I'm so used to having you around. I look at everything here and it's exciting, but I just don't know... I just really miss you, and I can't wait for you to get here."

"A few more days."

"A few more days." She echoes, holding onto those words.

✈︎

It's been a while since El last drew a portrait.

But today, she's in a mood to pick up her sketchpad and pencil and draw something. And she knows exactly what and who.

She runs to her suitcase and pulls out her sketchbook, she hasn't touched it in weeks. She grabbed her small pencil holder with with blending tools and shading pencils. After she grabbed the supplies and walked back over to the living room and opened up the balcony door, stepping outside into the warm Italian heat.

It's a perfect day, baby blue sky with puffy clouds floating all over, the cars in the streets below weren't terribly loud and the birds were singing a wonderful melody that made El sit down. There was a comfortable couch on the balcony that El immediately sunk into when she sat in it.

Bringing her knees up, she set her sketchbook on her legs and flipped through the book. Old drawings from a while ago were still sitting in the pages, some unfinished and left untouched. Most of them were flowers or animals. There were a few portraits, some of celebrities and some just random people she drew from her mind.

Before she flipped to the next page she remembered the cassette tape Mike threw in her suitcase. She jumped out of her seat and went back into the apartment and grabbed the small tape.

"Hey Sofia?" She called into the kitchen, where Sofia was snacking on some crackers while watching TV. "Yeah?"

"Do you have a radio I could borrow?"

"Yeah, it's on the dresser next to my bed." She says with a mouth full of crackers. "Thanks," El says before disappearing down the hall and slipping into their room and grabbing the radio. She went back outside and set the radio down on the ground and set the tape in and clicked play.

One of her favorite songs was first. Heaven by Bryan Adams. The song played softly and she flipped to the next page in her notebook which was all blank besides some sloppy handwriting right in the center of the page.

Mike Wheeler was here September 1986 :)also did u know that captain crunch's full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch? i don't even know how to say that.

p.s. i love youuuuuu ❤︎

Only Mike would write something that random and that stupid in her sketchbook. El smiled and flipped to the next page that happened to be blank.

She didn't need a picture for reference. She knows all of the shapes that come together to create his face. She knows where the dip of his cheekbones begins and ends, she knows the shape of his eyes and the shape of his lips, and of course his unruly mop of dark curls.

She starts out by sketching an outline of his face, where his eyes, nose, and lips will go, and the outline of his hair. She smiles thinking about him. There was seriously not a place on his face where something wasn't perfect.

He had the best smile, the best eyebrows, the most beautiful eyes and freckles. She loved everything on his face.

After the sketch was done she began the details, starting with the outline of his face, adding shading and lines where his cheekbones dipped in. She shaded in his jawline, and places on his neck where dark areas were more defined.

She decided a side profile was best in bringing out all of his perfect features.

Next she drew his eye, adding a lot of detail into his eyelid and eyelashes. Then his nose, and his lips. It was looking good so far, and hadn't even noticed how the sun was slowly moving downward, bringing out the bright orange and pinks in the sky.

"Hey," She said from her right. El turned her head to see Sofia standing in the doorway. "What are you drawing? You've been out here for hours."

She didn't even notice.

"Oh, um, I'm drawing Mike."

Sofia chuckled and shook her head. "Of course you are. Can I see?"

El nodded and turned her sketchbook to face Sofia, letting the blond look at what she'd just drawn.

"wow che è incredibile!" El blushed and put the sketchbook back on her legs. "Thanks."

"Mike è un po 'caldo." Sofia adds with a joking matter. El raised her eyebrow, and Sofia laughs at her face.

"I'm just kidding! Let us not forget I have a boyfriend." Sofia giggled. El rolled her eyes, "Whatever you say, Sofia."

El turned her attention back to the drawing and began drawing in his hair. A part of her deep, deep down inside of her always wondered what it would feel like to run her fingers through his hair. Sure she'd done it before, but not in the way her gut wanted.

But she would never admit that out loud.

She hummed to herself as she drew in his curls, shading in most parts along the way, and grabbing her darker pencil to fill it in. Sofia watched El as she drew her best friend, she watched El's expression change as she thought of something new.

But she was mostly frowning. The blond could tell El missed Mike, like a lot. She overheard most of their conversation from this morning and she couldn't forget when El started to cry. What could he have said to make her cry like that?

Then, bringing Sofia out of her thoughts again she heard El sniffle. She remembered that exact sniffle from early this morning when she started to cry. Sofia watched from the side as El's eyes began to get watery and soon a few tears at a time were falling down her sun kissed cheeks.

A tear fell onto the portrait and smudged some of the shading on Mike's hair. "Fuck," She heard her whisper, as she tried to wipe it off the paper, only making it worse. "No, shit, shit." She whispered again.

El put her sketchpad to the side and brought her knees up to her chest and tucked her head in between them. Concern grew inside of Sofia's chest, was it normal for someone to cry over someone that much?

In Mike and El's case, yes.

Sofia walked over to El and sat next to her on the small couch. She brought her arm over El's shoulders and pulled her closer to her, Sofia had never been good at comforting people. But she knew she couldn't just stand there and let El cry alone.

El continued to cry as Sofia rubbed her hand up and down El's arm. "Shh.. va tutto bene, respira."

El shook her head. "Yes, now. Stop your crying, I don't think Mike would like it if he knew you were wasting your precious tears over him," Sofia says gently. "Would he like to know you're crying? Because there's a phone in the kitchen and I could call him right now."

"No, no. H-he wouldn't."

"Esattamente. Now, how would you like to go get some gelato?" El lifted her head and gave her a shy smile. Sofia grinned, "let's go then, Bebè!"

Sofia grabbed her hand and pulled her off the couch and walked into the kitchen. "Okay, put your shoes on and let's go get some! Oh! You have to get Stracciatella! It's the best gelato out there!"

El giggled and pulled on her Doc Martin's. "Will do, Sof."

"We should walk there, it's not far and it's such a beautiful day." El nods and they walk out the door, Sofia holding her purse in one hand.

As they walk there Sofia feels the need to ask why El was crying.

"Why did you start crying?" She asks. El shrugged, "I'm not really sure... I guess because I feel like he's everywhere. Like I found a note he put in my sketchbook from last year. I was playing a cassette tape he made for me. He's everywhere around me, but he's not even here. We've never been apart like this before."

El shook her head. "It sounds so stupid. To depend on him so much."

Sofia shook her head, "Niente affatto! I get it. It's like that when you love someone."

Love. A strong word that simply meant nothing to her when it came to Mike. He's said it so many times to her, and she's said it so many times to her that now, it's just a word they throw around like confetti. But there's something in the way Sofia says it, that gets her thinking.

It's like that when you love someone.

Love someone.

Someone.

Mike.

It's probably just the lack of sleep she got last night getting to her.

Finally, they arrive at a small cafe squished between two other buildings. It has vines growing on the side of the walls and black chairs and tables outside. The light from inside of the store shines out at them, welcoming and inviting them inside.

"This gelato is going to blow your mind!" Sofia says, grabbing her hand and pulling her inside. When they get inside the cafe there's a small ice cream freezer near the back of the store and a counter where baked goods are displayed.

"It's so cute in here." El comments, looking at all of the authentic posters and decor in the cafe. "Over here, Bebè!" Sofia calls, from the ice cream freezer.

El walks over and stands next to Sofia as they look at all of the choices. "There, that is one you want." Sofia points at a vanilla looking ice cream with chocolate shavings in it.

"Sofia!" An unfamiliar voice calls, El looked up from the freezer and sees a taller boy, probably her age with dark brown hair and olive skin. "Anthoney!" Sofia squeals, as she spots her boyfriend.

The blond runs around the counter and jumps on him, wrapping her arms around his torso. "You are finally back! Since when, and why did you not call me?" Sofia asked, pouting up at him.

"Got back late last night. I figured you were asleep, and I've been working here all day so I didn't have time to come over."

Anthony is about 2 feet taller than Sofia. Sofia looks like a midget next to him. He has dark brown eyes that are friendly and inviting. "I'll believe you this once! But how rude am I, this is El!"

Sofia introduces Anthoney to El, El extends her hand out to Anthoney and he shakes in firmly. "Nice to meet you, Anthony. Sofia has told me so much about you."

"Has she now?" He says, turning back to Sofia. El nodded, "But it's nice to meet you."

"El is my new roomate for art school! Isn't she just the cutest thing?" Sofia says, smiling at El.

"Ah, that makes sense. When do classes start?"

"Monday." Sofia replies.

"Well I'll have to hog you away from El all weekend so I can spend time with you before you forget me." Anthony says with a wink. "I don't think El will mind. Mike is visiting this weekend so she will be quite occupied."

"Sofia! You and I both know that is not what's going on." El scolds, blushing with embarrassment. "Qualsiasi cosa tu dica, piccola."

"Sofiaaa." El whines. "Fine! Darci due coni Stracciatella, per favore." Anthony kisses Sofia's forehead before he goes and scoops two cones of the gelato into cones, giving one to El and one to Sofia.

Sofia pulls out her wallet, but Anthony stops her. "No, è su di me."

"But-"

"No."

Sofia rolls her eyes, "I hate how much I love you." Anthony rolled his eyes too. "Whatever. I'll see you this weekend then?"

Sofia nodded, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek before she walked around the counter and linked arms with El. "Bye Anthony! Nice to meet you!" El called before they exited the caffe.

El give her gelato a taste and her eyes widened. "Does everything taste like magic here?"

Sofia nods, taking a lick of her cone too. "You haven't even tasted the best stuff."

El and Sofia spend the rest of the night walking around the city, laughing and getting to know each other more. They make jokes, talk about growing up, they talk about Mike, and Sofia talks about Anthony.

Maybe, El thinks, Italy won't be so bad after all.

Author's Note:

i really liked this chapter, and lol look double update! I'm off school for the next 3 weeks so expect a lot of updates! I hope I didn't make you too sad with this, and again Mike's dream does mean something and it's pretty obvious as to what that is.

but yeah, i liked this and i hope you did too! sofia is the sweetest baby ever, ugh i love her. she's gonna tease mike soooo much.. but next chapter mike comes to visit!! it should be out soon since i have nothing better to do (and yeah, I know, i should update puppy love but this is my favorite book so, no.).

hope you enjoyed! see ya!