Elliott loses his balls

        Elliott was freezing his balls off. He was so cold he was sure his balls had sucked themselves into his body, never to be seen again. Though he'd probably be glad if that happened, because for some reason genitalia grossed him out. He'd much prefer it if everyone was completely smooth down there. Not that he was nonbinary or anything, he just found it gross. Mostly why he was asexual, he guessed.

        He shook his head. Why was he thinking about penuses (peni? Penodes?) when he could instead be focusing on just how damned cold he was. He felt like a yeti without its fur. Like his father's cold dead heart.

       ... Whoa, where had that come from? His father was great! ...wasn't he? Elliott scrunched his eyebrows together, trying to remember his father. He should; it was his father for pity's sake. But he couldn't. All that came to mind was a flash of red hair, but that felt wrong for the person he was thinking of. 

        Frodo's distress pulled Elliott out of his own and he turned and watched as the hobbit tumbled down the mountain, eventually stopped by Aragorn. Aragorn helped the hobbit to his feet, and Frodo lifted a hand to his neck, where the ring sat on a chain. Or rather - was supposed to sit. It was further up the mountain, having fallen off. 

        Boromir bent over and picked the reing up by its chain, ignoring Argorn's whispered, "Boromir."

        He stared at the ring, then said softly, "'Tis a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt... over so small a thing. Such a little thing..." he slowly reached out a gloved hand to touch it. This time, Aragorn said it much sharper.

        "Boromir!" Then, when Boromir looked up, he said, "Give the ring to Frodo."

        Boromir shook himself, then walked down the slope towards the two. He held out the ring, pulling a smile to his face. "As you wish..." he said, smile straining slightly when Frodo snatched the ring from him. "...I care not." He ruffled Frodo's hair, then turned back and kept walking.

        Elliott looked away from the spectacle, focusing on rubbing his hands together. He was wearing gloves, but they weren't thick enough to cut through the chill completely. 

        Well, he figured, Boromir could use some comfort. 'And I could use some warmth...'

        So Elliott sped up, making his way to Boromir's side. Doubts started festering in his mind, making him hesitate, then he pushed them away. He wasn't annoying, he wasn't going to mess up his relationship with Boromir. Everything was fine. He punched the man lightly and, when Boromir turned to raise an eyebrow at him, ducked under his arm to cuddle up against him. "You're warm," he mumbled, burying his nose in his scarf. Boromir snorted.

        "And you feel like an icicle," he said, pulling Elliott in closer. "What have you been doing, bathing in snow?" 

        Elliott just gave him a glare and muttered to keep walking. Boromir, thankfully, wasn't offended, and instead just laughed.

          The jovial atmosphere didn't last for long, however, as eventually the cold became piercing enough to ruin any attempt at good humour. Legolas, showing off like a massive prick, ran on top of the snow- 

       Oh wait, Elliott could do that too, couldn't he? And he was currently doing just that, enjoying the height he gained, making him nearly as tall as Boromir (who was forced to wade through the snow). Right. If Elliott could do it too, then it wasn't showing off, was it? 

        God, he was such a prick. A funny one, though. 

        Legolas, being a normal, lightweight elf, ran on top of the snow ahead of them. "There is a fell voice on the air!" he said.

        "Saruman!" Gandalf exclaimed, beard covered in snow. Elliott wondered if his hair looked the same. Probably. 

        Then a ton of rock slabs and boulders fell from the side of the mountain, making them shove themselves flat against the cliff wall to avoid the avalanche. Aragorn yelled over the wind; "He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!"

        Gandalf was reluctant to do this, though. And 'reluctant' really means 'outright refusal'. He then lifted his arms and cried, "Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith!"

        Elliott momentarily wondered why he couldnt understand these words if he could understand the black speech, but he got no time to think about it, because Gandalf's words did jackshit. Lightning stuck the tip of the mountain, sending an avalanche of snow down to bury them all.

        All Elliott could see was blinding white, and all he could feel was complete cold. Then a hand grasped the back of his cloak and yanked him from the ground. He slowly extended his legs, shovering so much he could barely stand, and gave a nod of thanks to Legolas. The other elf just patted his shoulder and moved away.

       "We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!" Boromir cried, opening his arm to let Elliott huddle under it again. 

        Aragorn instantly vetoed that idea. "The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!"

        "If we cannot pass over the mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria!" Gimli said, and Elliott found that idea quite agreeable. He vaguely remembered something bad happening down there, but the Lord of the Rings ended well, so it was fine. 

        A shivering, pale-as-porcelain Merry and Pippin joined Elliott under Boromir's arms. "We cannot stay here! This will be the death of the hobbits!" Boromir shouted over the wind, hugging the three to himself tightly. 

        Gandalf looked conflicted, so instead of making the decision himself, he said, "Let the ringbearer decide."

        Frodo looked put on the spot, and for good reason. He gulped nervously under the weight of everyone's eyes, and said, "We will go through the mines."

        Gandalf nodded, a grim look on his face. "So be it."

~~~~~~~

Paraphrasing the books was way too hard, so I just found transcripts of the movies and am going off that.