A tangle of shame and desire

''Yoshiki...''

A cold sweat dripped from 'Hikaru's' neck, his hands clasped together.

Bent forward on the vinyl-upholstered chair, he leaned in, his weight pressing onto his toes. Merged with the sterile air and faint smell of antiseptics, his shallow breath trembled softly.

Fluttering gently as his lids parted, Yoshiki's charcoal eyes struggled to focus, his consciousness crawling back to him. Stumbling through wisps of his midnight hair, his dreary gaze adjusted to the lifeless, bleak room. The muted humming of the intercom whirred in his ears as his body lay on the clinical bed.

"Where... am I?"

Yoshiki's voice cracked, trembling as it faded into the distant cacophony of machines.

"Yoshiki..." 'Hikaru's' eyes widened, his mouth fell open.

"Hi-karu..."

Without a second thought, 'Hikaru' surged into Yoshiki's arms. A hushed sob escaped as his trembling chin rested on Yoshiki's shoulder, clutching him tightly. Under the sudden weight, Yoshiki's body winced, then slowly relaxed into the tender warmth. Yoshiki's weak hands brushed against 'Hikaru's' forearm.

"Thanks... g-goodness..." He let out an uncontrollable whimper, his voice wobbling with tears.

Anguish. Despair. Sorrow. 

Being in the arms of his best friend, a halo of relief shone upon them, though remorse still haunted the edges of it. A needle-prick memory of his mistakes stitched his mind. A merciless surgical incision, his thoughts sewed together shards of his sins.

Every quiet beep of the monitor rang in his ears, hammering the raw membrane of his guilt.

Yoshiki in the hospital. All because of 'Hikaru'.

Of course, this was going to happen.

Ghostly, pale sunrays trudged through Yoshiki's vaporous curtains, silent stowaways in the chamber.

Half-upright against the pillow's cotton chill, Yoshiki's hollow breath wheezed through the stillness. Below him, on the creaking wooden floor, 'Hikaru' sat with his back pressed against the lower rail, a shadow tethered to the quiet.

All of this... It's my fault.

'Hikaru's' lips drooped like a noose condemned to hang on the gallows. He stared at the tiny wings curling along the edges of the peeled bottle label, abandoned beneath the desk.

His shoulders slumped with a heavy sigh. Knees drawn to his ribcage, face buried, he curled up like a foetus, shrouded in the warmth of his own body.

Yoshiki... I never wanted this. I never meant to hurt you. Please don't hate me now...

A tempest of desolation brewed, pulling him into the dark abyss of his mind until he was entirely engulfed by the stealthy void within.

But... Who would want to be around someone like me anyway? All I ever do is hurt people...

A stream of tears gushed down his face, his breath wavering in the silence.

"Can't believe ya're still on the floor... must be stiff by now..." Yoshiki's hoarse voice startled him, breaking the roaring echoes inside his head.

Yoshiki rubbed his eyes as he woke up from a long nap, his gaze falling on 'Hikaru's' hunched figure.

As the storm of 'Hikaru's' whirling thoughts gradually settled down, the brooding clouds of remorse still loomed over him.

"Y-yoshiki..."

He lifted his head, slowly turning his gaze towards Yoshiki.

"Ye'd better get up before yer butt goes completely numb."

Beneath Yoshiki's usual bluntness, a sliver of concern peeked through.

'Hikaru' planted his palms on the floor, trembling slightly as he rose to his feet.

"Hey..." Yoshiki's voice softened.

"Sit." He patted the bed beside him.

Hikaru sat down next to Yoshiki, the bed clattered faintly, swaying under the sudden shift. Tears glimmered in his eyes as he turned away, the corners of his vision blurred.

In one quiet motion, Yoshiki grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around them. A brief silence stretched between the two boys, sitting side by side beneath the same cashmere, almost touching.

Outside the window, the steady tug of a digging shovel broke the stillness of the sombre room.

"...Sorry. Didn't mean to wake ya up," 'Hikaru' murmured, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. His eyes flickered up to meet Yoshiki's, only to dart away moments later.

"Nah, ya didn't."

"Bet ye've got enough rest." 'Hikaru' gave him an awkward, toothy grin and forced a laugh, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of the blanket. A soft flush spread across his cheeks.

"Ya're lucky I did. Otherwise, I'd be in a bad mood... ya wouldn't wanna see it."

Yoshiki's gaze lingered on him longer than he had expected, a small, almost imperceptible smile curling on his lips.

"Sounds risky."

"Wouldn't push my luck." Yoshiki replied, his tone calm, almost teasing, eyes glinting subtly.

"Tempting," 'Hikaru' added, smirking slightly.

"Who knows?" Yoshiki tilted his head, staring at him quietly, lips twitching in amusement.

The stiffness in the room slowly withered, Yoshiki's presence grazing something in 'Hikaru's' chest that he couldn't name. A reluctant smile wormed its way onto his face, yet the guilt never left, its trace still skulking in the corners of his mind.

Gripping the threads of the sheets, 'Hikaru's' nails sinking deeper into the mattress, he struggled to speak, as if the guilt had swallowed all his thoughts. "Yoshiki..." His voice trembled, choked with unshed tears.

Staring at his best friend sobbing in his room, Yoshiki's gaze softened. He knew Hikaru from the very bottom of his heart. Remorse was written all over his face, the same expression he wore when he had accidentally broken an Indou family artefact, the very one his father had strictly warned him to handle with care.

Even if this weren't Hikaru, he couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He knew exactly what was running through his mind.

And he wanted to wipe every single thought of it away.

Hunching his shoulders, 'Hikaru' crept deeper under the handwoven blanket until only the tips of his chalky strands peeked out. He could still feel his best friend's gaze fixed on him.

"Hey..." Yoshiki's warm voice broke the silence. "Don't worry 'bout it."

"No... y-ya don't understand... I-it's not..." He sobbed quietly. "B-because of m-me, ya ended up in the hospital... It's all my f-fault..."

'Hikaru's' voice faltered, and his hands clenched the sheets, curling them up in his grip.

"'Hikaru'." Yoshiki's voice grew serious.

With one sharp pull, Yoshiki yanked the blanket down. 'Hikaru's' tearful eyes met Yoshiki's, divided by a single blink.

"It's fine." Yoshiki leaned closer, gently wiping away a tear with the tip of his thumb.

"Look." He cupped 'Hikaru's' face in both hands, locking eyes without a single flinch.

"I'm almost recovered, and ya're the one beatin' yerself up over it. Just forget it."

"B-but..."

"Enough," he whispered, inching closer, their noses almost brushing.

"See? I'm still alive." His warm fingertips pressed against 'Hikaru's' skin, tracing the edges of his cheeks.

"I'm right here in front of ya," he said, his voice firm, yet tender.

"And I'm not injured or disabled. Don'cha get it?"

'Hikaru' stared at his friend's earnest face, every word carrying both tenderness and concern.

"Y-Yoshiki..." his voice cracked. "I... I-" His sobs overtook his words, leaving him helpless beneath the weight of his guilt.

"Just get over it."

Without a moment's hesitation, Yoshiki pulled 'Hikaru' close, holding him tight, letting him break in the quiet shelter of his chest.

"Y-Yoshiki..." 'Hikaru's' fingers clenched in the fabric of Yoshiki's clothes, his voice trembling. "I-I thought I lost y-ya..." he murmured between sobs.

"I... t-thought I'd n-never... h-hear yer voice a-again..."

Yoshiki's shirt was already soaked with tears, but he didn't let go. His arms stayed firm and steady. He could feel 'Hikaru's' uneven breath against his chest, the press of his forehead against his collarbones as his body quivered.

"It's alright, 'Hikaru'," he whispered. "I'm here." His fingers gently brushed down 'Hikaru's' back.

I lost you once, I would never want to lose you all over again.

Even if he weren't Hikaru, the mere thought of you not being part of my life is unbearable.

Embraced by the warmth of his best friend, 'Hikaru's' grip gradually eased. Inching forward, he pressed his forehead against Yoshiki's. A soft sigh escaped his lips, eyes closing once more.

"Yoshiki... ya know..."

'Hikaru's' fingers traced along Yoshiki's porcelain skin, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

"Ya've really got a pretty face..." he murmured, mesmerised by Yoshiki's features.

The tension shattered like a fortress under siege. War drums thrummed wildly against the mediaeval gates of Yoshiki's ribcage, ready to burst. His breath caught, cheeks aflame, tips of his ears prickling.

A wide grin spread across 'Hikaru's' face, his neon irises shimmering. His gaze fell onto Yoshiki's collarbones, tracing every curve and edge with hungry precision.

The intense stare coiled around Yoshiki's neck. He tried to look away, but he couldn't escape it. Frozen in place, his body twitched, wishing he could be anywhere else.

'Hikaru's' hand found the back of Yoshiki's nape, sending a shiver down his spine as his fingers raked through his hair. A faint bead of sweat curled from Yoshiki's pores, pulse hammering through his body.

"And yer smile..." ' Hikaru's' eyes softened."That's right... ya rarely smile... but it's very beautiful."

Yoshiki felt the back of his throat tighten, he was ready to vomit.

What's gotten into him? Why is he acting like this all of a sudden...? I... I have to do something.

"S-stop it..." he barely managed, words trembling from his lips.

Clenching his fists, Yoshiki gave his best to distract himself, but the overwhelming heat consumed him.

"And... yer moles..." 'Hikaru' bit his lip, eyes darkening with intent. He gently tapped Yoshiki's face with a finger.

"They almost look like watermelon seeds. Cute, don'cha think?" 'Hikaru' giggled, a bright smirk spreading across his face.

Yoshiki swallowed, dry-mouthed, struggling for words.

"Y-ya always t-think 'bout food... don't ya?"

Nibbling his lower lip, Yoshiki tried to tame the cauterising flare spreading across his face and trickling down his neck.

'Hikaru' slid down onto Yoshiki's lips, pressing lightly and revealing a delicate mole beneath.

"Makes me wonder..." He murmured, voice barely above a whisper, „if yer lips taste like watermelon..."

A sharp, molten heat churned in Yoshiki's stomach, spikes of fire cranking and stabbing through him. Acidic bitterness crept from the depths of his stomach, drenching his mouth.

"W-what did y-ya just say?" Yoshiki gulped, eyes widening as his heart galloped in his chest.

At the edge of the bed, 'Hikaru' loomed over him, heat radiating from his body like fire in a fakir show. Yoshiki's hands recoiled instinctively, fingers clutching at the sheets as if searching for an escape. Panic sprang through him as he tried to push him away.

But 'Hikaru' tumbled atop him, trapping him beneath the cold sheets.

Hovering above like a trembling chandelier, 'Hikaru's' muscles were taut as he gripped the sheets for balance. Yoshiki's eyes fluttered open, his mind racing.

And he realised what had just happened, too late. The next instant, he found himself pinned beneath his best friend.

But it wasn't truly 'Hikaru'. Their faces were mere inches apart, lips almost brushing. Closer, unbearably intimate than ever before.

Had he ever truly been this close to 'Hikaru'? No, it wasn't him.

"Yoshiki..."

'Hikaru's' eyes shimmered like neon lanterns flickering through the sinister streets of Shibuya, capturing every inch of the drizzly afterparty. As the night deepened, the lights grew brighter, vivid pigments oozing across the urban district, mirrored in his gaze.

Weaving through the striking spectacle of radiant umbrellas, Yoshiki squinted, shielding his eyes from the gaudy glow of frenetic neon. Sentenced by his own yearning, on the testimony of his sins, he knelt down. The overwhelming light hit him with full force, and he squinted, surrendering, knees knocking, jeans soaked from leftover raindrops. A shiver tumbled down his spine.

From the corner of his eye, he caught his reflection in a puddle. In the puddle's glow, a shadow-like figure twisted around him, wrapping him in darkness.

Inside the station, digital displays and advertisements shone brightly, the air still damp from the trains, casting a surreal sheen over the city. The famous entertainment district twisted his gut, almost making him retch, a grotesque clash churning violently inside him.

Disgusting.

'Hikaru's' eyelids lifted like an iron gate, the lattice giving way slowly, revealing the untamed hunger beyond. Desire, like a faithful dog, was ready to leap and sink its teeth. Crimson pupils burned, his blinks were almost imperceptible. His cheeks glowed, a shaky grin revealing his snaggletooth. Saliva pooled at his lips, ready to cascade.

There was something inhuman about him, a hunger stretching beyond flesh, craving the very core of the human soul.

I'm disgusting.

The carillon chimed in Yoshiki's ears, resonating with his racing heartbeat. Its feverish melody spilt across his face as blood rushed through his veins. In the desert of his throat, a mirage of an oasis trembled with thirst. Sweat dangled from his forehead like brittle stalactites, ready to fall under the suffocating weight of his sins.

The fragile cracks of his ice-pellet breath fractured beneath 'Hikaru's' touch, revealing the deepest secrets he had tried to bury. A swift arctic blast of thought surged through him, sending bone-chilling shivers down his spine.

'Hikaru's' fervent glare dragged him out from the sub-zero depths of the ice crevasse, freeing him from the frozen grip of the polar plunge. His scent crept into Yoshiki's nostrils, a brisk winter mingled with the warmth of a bundled-up duvet beside a crackling fire, carrying the nostalgic ache of leaving warmth for cold wood.

Frantic to hide behind his wispy bangs, Yoshiki failed to conceal the turmoil imprinted across his face.

A tingling wave of fervour splashed across the intertidal shore between 'Hikaru's' thighs, contouring the sharp lines of fabric as desire pressed roughly against his jeans. A strange, unfamiliar heat surged through him, stirring a dizzying tide within.

But Yoshiki knew he could feel the sharp press of 'Hikaru's' engorged crotch against him. He knew exactly what was happening.

"Yoshiki... tell me..."

'Hikaru's' words shattered the silence, his gleaming eyes piercing straight through him.

"Ya know..." he murmured, his voice husky and low, "since I'm not used to this body..." He tilted his head, urging Yoshiki closer, his fingers sinking into the sheets.

A quiet exhale ghosted over Yoshiki's cheek. His body tensed, his gaze flickering to the faint rise of 'Hikaru's' collarbones.

"I might be wrong... but..." Hikaru's' nervous voice softened, wide-eyed and uncertain.

"Is this like the scene from that video we watched?"

Corners of his lips curled into a soft, sheepish smile.

"Ya know... that... sexy video?"

Goosebumps travelled down Yoshiki's body, tracing every muscle. His cheeks burned, heat spilling down his neck and behind his ears. The air tightened around them, walls pressing closer, plaster jutting from cracks. Every exhale stirred the confined space, while the bedding curled beneath Yoshiki's fingers, soft and pliant under his grip.

Damn it, Maki. Did ya really have to show him that video?

"It's like..."

Soft words slipped from 'Hikaru's' lips, curling shyly at the corners.

"Ya know... W-we should-"

Before Yoshiki could finish his sentence, 'Hikaru's' lips found him, soft, delicate, feather-light. The lips of his best friend pressed against his dry skin, sending every long-lost word sinking to the bottom of oblivion. The tender touch raised goosebumps that traced every muscle, every artery, every vessel, until even the hair at his scalp stood on end. With his knees buried five feet beneath blizzard snow, his cheeks burned like firecrackers in late December, heat pinching at the tips of his ears.

Without a single blink, Yoshiki's body froze, as if buried beneath centuries of ice, so deep that even excavators could not reach it.

His gaze locked on 'Hikaru', tempted to close the distance, yet he knew that not even a single blink could rewind time. He wanted to push him away, but his body betrayed him. Beneath the cotton canvas of his light striped pyjamas, it pressed insistently, countering the sharpness of his desires. Like a prisoner, his lust clawed at the shackles of his innocence, desperate for release.

Crap. Hold yourself.

With each shallow inhale, the stiffness between his thighs grew almost unbearable.

"Mmm... Yoshiki..."

'Hikaru's' lips moved desperately, almost hovering over Yoshiki's breath, like a baby sucking at a pacifier. A fish landed on a dry shore, his tongue searched for the tiniest trickle of water that might bring him back to life.

In that moment, all Yoshiki could remember was the warmth of his "best friend's" skin being pressed against his own, their lips moving in a wave of sensation, shared desires crawling into one another.

Under the weight of his best friend, Yoshiki lay on his back against the smooth bedding, still tasting the tenderness of 'Hikaru's' lips. The blustering breeze of 'Hikaru's' exhale swirled into Yoshiki's mouth, making him shiver under his touch.

With each trembling breath, the tides of his saliva crested over his tender lips. His tongue surfed through the crest of foamy waves along the curves of 'Hikaru's' mouth, gliding smoothly between the cavernous walls of his teeth. 'Hikaru's' lips tasted of seawater, faintly bitter, stinging Yoshiki's tongue with stray grass left from the last meal.

This is so wrong... So so wrong...

Yoshiki's right arm stretched toward the ceiling, muscles taut and quivering against gravity's pull.

What am I doing? I have to stop it.

A dead heat between surrender and survival. His hand hovered at the height of 'Hikaru's' shoulders. His porcelain fingers trembled, inching closer, almost brushing him, poised to push him away.

"Yoshiki... This feels so good..." 'Hikaru' panted, each heavy breath slipping past his warm lips, droplets of saliva glistening on his teeth like a morning frost.

"It tastes... so much better than watermelon..."

Moving his gaze from the ceiling, Yoshiki's eyes met 'Hikaru's'. Crimson rings shimmered within them, voracious flames sparkling from 'Hikaru's' pupils.

Trying to hold it in the air, Yoshiki's hand trembled, slowly descending like a parachute, gently settling behind 'Hikaru's' nape. Before closing his eyes, 'Hikaru' nudged closer, lips parted like a bear trap, his sharp teeth grazing Yoshiki's tender lips. Adrift in chaos, every instinct pulled him closer to 'Hikaru'.

A faint taste of iron lingered in Yoshiki's mouth. His hand crept behind 'Hikaru's' back, trembling as his fingers traced the length of him. Weakening, his arm sank onto 'Hikaru's' back, nails digging into his skin through the fabric of his clothes. His skin shimmered under trickles of sweat, melting like molten gold in a halo of intensity.

From the corner of 'Hikaru's' lips, a light stream of saliva slid down the slope of Yoshiki's neck. As he descended along Yoshiki's hips, 'Hikaru's' torso rocked back and forth, sending the covers tumbling to the floor. His stomach quivered, shoulders ebbing and swelling like the tides, each heavy breath pulling him into the shallow undertow.

'Hikaru's' balmy gasps teased Yoshiki's nostrils, his fragile body succumbing inch by inch. Knees deep in the smooth sheets, their noses brushed once more as he plunged deeper into Yoshiki's bed. The silken folds curled against his back, Yoshiki squinted, peeking through the haze of his heavy eyelids.

The damp, rigid press of his best friend's crotch against him reminded him sharply of the throbbing heat between his legs. 'Hikaru's' shaky knees trembled with sensation as his nails gripped the sheets. He swayed his hips against him, lowering his pelvis gently. The sharp outline of his palpitating crotch brushed against Yoshiki's, tracing delicate, discernible contours of his pyjamas 'Hikaru' pressed closer, moving his hips in slow strokes against Yoshiki's pelvis.

Yoshiki's nails ran down 'Hikaru's' back, his fingertips sinking into the soft cotton of his garment, gently raking across the surface of his skin. The collar of his shirt glistened, soaked with the stream of 'Hikaru's' saliva.

'Hikaru's' hips moved faster, each thrust sending violent tremors through the bed, the gnarled wooden rails gouging the time-worn parquet, its boards buckling like tectonic plates under strain. His warm lips trailed down Yoshiki's neck, his breath tickling the pale skin of his friend, sending shivers down his spine. Yoshiki's shoulders twitched as chills skated over his skin, pulses of tingling racing toward his ears.

Tightening his grip, his hands wrapped around 'Hikaru's' neck, their chests pressing against each other. 'Hikaru's' warm lips parted, biting gently into Yoshiki's skin. Soft groans fought their way out of Yoshiki's mouth, followed by shallow pants as his body quivered.

The throbbing bulge between 'Hikaru's' legs sparked shivers through Yoshiki's delicate core, each gasp spurring him to press his hips deeper against Yoshiki's body. The crisp folds of his denim jeans traced contours beneath, shadows and highlights emphasising the curve of the fabric. He ground his hips against Yoshiki, their rigidity pressing and sliding together, the pulsing weight pressing into him as the air thickened with heat. The adventure boiling in their pants, a journey below their waist.

His slick tongue traced the lines of Yoshiki's taut neck, gently pulling at the delicate skin beneath. A flush of redness spread across Yoshiki's skin, tingling from 'Hikaru's' gentle bites, faint impressions blooming under his saliva, bathed in the soft morning lights. His breath caught between gasps, Yoshiki clung to 'Hikaru', legs tightening around 'Hikaru's' torso, drawing him closer.

Desperately trying to catch his breath behind the shell of his trembling lips, soft moans slipped through the gaps. Cold shivers trailed down Yoshiki's warm body, the sheets creasing beneath his unsteady feet. The heat cauterised his skin, welding passion into every trembling nerve.

'Hikaru's' lips glided down Yoshiki's neck, biting harder with each pass, tugging at every inch of his skin.

The geyser of temptation exploded inside Yoshiki, abrupt and uncontrollable, his body betraying him one more time. A torrent of sweat burst like a heavy eruption down his skin, rolling off uncontrollable heat down his body as their bodies touched. Trying to suppress his deep desires, his desires craved for more.

The room itself seemed to hold its breath, unwilling to disturb the fragile current pulsing between them. With a single flutter, all the clothes tumbled on the floor, crumpled and abandoned, pooling in the corner of Yoshiki's bed. Neck to neck, their breaths synchronised, as their shadow danced across the wall, a silent game of light and dark, a delicate shadow play.

One room. Two boys. One morning. Four walls.No shirts, no words. Skin to skin, they lay in silence.Nothing they'd ever admit, yet everything they couldn't deny.

How did this happen?

Yoshiki sat at the edge of the bed, knees to his chest, the blanket slipping off his trembling shoulders. Each breath rattled in his throat, his own pillory of shame.

All I am is scum. Nothing but pitiful, human disgrace.

His shoulders slumped, retreating into the woven threads. Mortification dragged him into its dark chasm, while the warmth beside him felt like it belonged to another world.

I should've stopped it from the beginning.

"Yoshiki..." 'Hikaru' whispered, gently nudging his shoulder."Ya really wanna risk a cold sleeping like that? C'mon, put some clothes on!"

Personal space was a foreign concept to 'Hikaru', he leaned in, rocking Yoshiki's shoulders. Wearing a wide smile, his eyes searched for any sign of response, but Yoshiki's words never came.

Yoshiki sank deeper, memories flooding in, 'Hikaru's' hand everywhere. In his hair, sliding down his spine, between his legs.

He could still feel it.

The same hand now rested on his shoulder, the hand that had once roamed all over him.

It felt so good, it felt so wrong.

The pause stretched, heavy and intimate, broken only by his shallow breaths.

Yoshiki remembered the thin, needle-like slits that had leaked from 'Hikaru's' chest, his skin splitting as if he'd been brutally butchered. No blood had come, only a black hollow running down his body. They had surged in waves, colliding and pouring downward.

His body had trembled as he had been swallowed by the gooey mass running down 'Hikaru's' torso. It had felt like a moist tongue licking him, and he had clenched his teeth, stifling a scream from the back of his throat. He could still feel the slits writhing and squirming, sweeping over his body, cold and almost lifeless, yet strangely alive. His shoulders had tensed, and his back had arched as he inhaled sharply.

It had smelt like the flayed skin of a rat, scraped and thrown by the roadside after rain, murky, swirling, clouded by too many bleeding shades. The widening slits in 'Hikaru's' body had made a sound like tape ripping off a sealed package.

Yoshiki had felt weightless, almost as if floating, swallowed by those ominous slits. They had crept up from his feet, pulling him slowly into the black void, air being robbed from his lungs with every passing second. 'Hikaru's' insides had been cold, yet his palms had been warm, his collarbones roughly brushing against Yoshiki's forehead, his warm breath tickling the crown of his head.

The viscous slits had slid along his body, touching every inch, gliding from shoulders to back, exploring him. He had clutched the sheets, muscles taut, trying to stay composed. It had felt like being on a dance floor, the flashing lights of a disco ball bursting in his face, fluttering helplessly under the relentless pounding of the speakers.

An intense typhoon of euphoria had deluged his tense body, crashing through his crumpled muscles. Waves of dopamine had surged, consuming him entirely. Like a detonation of fireworks, each surge had released the tension, his body convulsing in a crescendo of overwhelming pleasure.

After the curtains had fallen, all he had remembered was opening his eyes to the sheets soaked beneath the warm blanket. Crawling deep under them, the back of his throat had tightened. He had felt a sudden urge to vomit.

And yet, the cold, raw trace of 'Hikaru's' insides had lingered on his fingertips, crawling across his stomach, chest, waist, thighs... and sliding between his legs.

What a shame...

Hikaru would never do something like this. Not with me. He would probably be disgusted.

The thought alone made him sick, made him want to tear off his own skin.

Even if it wasn't really Hikaru... I'll never forgive myself for letting it happen.

Yoshiki's body remembered what his mind begged to forget. No matter how many times he scrubbed his hands, he couldn't wash away the sin.

He wouldn't dare look at the mirror. He already knew what he'd see. A monster, a reflection he could no longer call his own.

I wish I could disappear.

His eyes shut, hugging himself tighter, he swallowed the nausea rising in his throat. The room stayed silent, and in that silence, the shame only grew louder.

"Yoshiki?" 'Hikaru's' voice broke the stillness, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked softly, tilting his head to peek through the plush weave. "Did I hurt ya again?"

Yoshiki avoided his gaze, turning away from 'Hikaru's' exposed skin.

"Ya mad at me?"

"I... I'm fine. Just... a bit tired," he muttered, the words heavy as they clawed their way out.

„Tired? Huh?" The curiosity of a child sparkled in his voice.

Yoshiki hummed, nodding. An obvious lie. There was no way he could tell 'Hikaru' what was running through his mind, he probably wouldn't understand anyway.

"Ya know..." He nudged Yoshiki's elbow, giving him a mischievous grin, teeth showing.

"This... was kinda good," his cheeks blooming pink. "... this whole... sexy thing... especially with y-"

"W-would ya... keep it down?!" Yoshiki cut him off, heat rising in his face. His fingers twisted the blanket, suppressing the embarrassment. "Y-ya... can't just say stuff like that..."

"Why not?" 'Hikaru' pouted, resting his head on Yoshiki's shoulder, crouched on the bed like it was nothing more than a random thought.

"It's... just..." Yoshiki swallowed hard, heart racing. "It's... weird... we shouldn't..." Words stumbled over each other as his mind fought against what his body remembered.

Nestling against Yoshiki's shoulder, gently rocking, 'Hikaru' let his thoughts stray, lost in the glass beyond.

"Hey, Yoshiki..." he murmured, another question slipping through.

Feeling the weight on his shoulder, Yoshiki's mind flinched, shifting from the explicit memories to the grounding gentleness of the present moment.

"Is this what friends do?" 'Hikaru' asked softly.

Yoshiki shivered, a queer fervour humming through him that he could not name. An unspoken truth etched into his heart, too raw to hide, yet beyond words. Really... is it?