Chapter 15

I was back in Reapersbrook.

This time I wasn't the one talking to Azriel though.

Someone was there, a voice, coming from every direction, that was urging him to lift his sword and slit his own throat.

I could only stand and watch.

I screamed at him, finally, to stop, to think about Cassian, Rhysand, Morrigan, Amren, Feyre, me. To think about the promise he made, to look after Alcina.

I reminded him how Cassian would never be whole again if he left, how Rhysand would lose a brother, how Morrigan, Amren and Feyre would exchange the world just to sit with him in silence again.

How I would go the end of the world and back just so I could see his smile again and sit with him on the edge of a window and point out stars.

We would explore more constellations, I told him, but he wasn't listening.

He had his blade pressed against his neck.

I told him I would cook for him again and if I was too tired, he could cook for both of us because he cooked just as good as a witch.

I begged him to stay because I had noone else and I was so, so tired of losing.

Slowly, he slid the blade and I stopped screaming.

He collapsed, the shell of the man I loved. Invisible arms let go of me but I didn't have it in me to move. His own blood pooled around him as I stood and watched. Unblinking.

As if under a spell, I moved.

And then, I ran.

He was miles away. Drifting in a sea of his own blood.

I held his hand, this time he didn't hold mine. He didn't squeeze my hand when I kissed his palm, the stars fading away. I kissed him, half mad from the sight of his pale face, and he didn't kiss me back.

I told him how I thought his scars were the most beautiful ones because they held infinities. Stories of his childhood, stories he had lived, hardships he had endured and never told anyone, pains he couldn't put into words and most importantly - They were the stories of the man he became.

The man I loved and would love until I became one with the darkness.

He didn't smile, his eyes didn't shine, he didn't kiss me and tell me that I was his wishing star.

He didn't ask me to tell him about more constellations.

He was gone and he left me behind.

So I asked him questions.

What would Cassian do if he ever wanted to fly over Velaris and didn't have someone by his side?

What would Rhysand do if Cassian and Morrigan got into a fight and he was caught in between? Who would he have sparring matches with?

What would Morrigan do if she wanted to play a board game and she was losing?Who would she ask for help if she wanted to cheat?

Who would Amren sit with when she had had enough of everyone's bickering?

Who would be there for Feyre is she needed a brother?

Who would look after Alcina? Who would be there when she needs soup and noone would take it to her?

The Night court would find a spymaster. Another shadowsinger would be found.

But what about Azriel? Who would find us an Azriel?

Who would be there to catch me if I fell while having another vision? Who would take me to a mountain so I could hunt for animal bones? Who would cook for me when I woke up from a vision and didn't have it in me to move? Who would stand with me when I gaped at my burned down house and not make me feel lesser for shaking? Who would wait for me for hours on end while I grieved my parents? Who would snatch me back from the devil himself? Who would call me their wishing star? Who would-

"Lillith!!" I gasped and hit my head against Azriel's hard chest.

It was warm. He was warm. Breathing. Alive.

I gaped at him while he frantically wiped the sweat off my forehead.

"You had a nightmare." He said.

I didn't look away from his face. I couldn't. As he pulled the blanket up and kissed my forehead, I started shaking. Slowly, and then all at once, my sobs echoed inside the room.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I dug my nails into the bare skin of his chest.

I didn't dare close my eyes. Everything inside of me screamed that if I looked away for a moment, he would be gone. He rubbed my back as I gasped for breath and murmured something into my ears. I didn't hear it over the violent beating of my heart.

I placed a hand over his heart, feeling the constant drumming.

"I thought - " I tried to speak but choked up on my own sobs again.

"Shhh, It was just a dream. None of it was real." He kissed my temple and cradled me in his arms, his hands rubbing circles on my back until I gained some control over my breathing.

I sat with my cheek pressed against Azriel's chest while he dried my tears and ran his fingers through my hair.

I told him the truth before my brain could come to the conclusion that I should not.

"I'm going to kill you." I whispered.

He hands halted, warm breath running down the side of my face. "Why?" He breathed.

Not "How could you?". Not "You betrayed me". He didn't even shove me away. Just "Why?"

"I have to." Terror filled every bone in my body.

I flinched whe he pulled back, waiting for a blow. When he didn't move, I opened my eyes.

The familiar calmness was present in his feature. "What made you think I would hit you?" He asked.

I took in the elegant curves of his face before truthfully speaking, "I deserve it."

"Why?"

Again, that question, the one I had been asking myself since forever - Why?

"Even if I got married to Lucifer, they would unleash themselves on everyone. We would have to-" I stopped, my momentary courage fading away.

He waited, as always, patiently.

I stared at my hands, guilt weighting down my gaze. Tears threatened to spill and I didn't try to push them back. They fell from my eyelashes and landed on Azriel's hands that were holding mine. Still. He still didn't let go of my hands. After this ugly truth staring at him, right in the face, he was holding my hands.

Anger surged through my veins and I snatched my hands out of his.

What kind of person holds the very hands that were going to be the end of them?

"What is wrong with you?" I whispered angrily, not looking up. "Are you insane? I just told you I'm going to kill you!"

"What do you want me to do?" He calmly asked.

"Something!" I snapped. "Yell at me! Tell me I betrayed you! Tell me I'm the most disgusting woman you've ever met! Hit me! Kill me before I kill you!"

Hot tears spilled as I shouted at him even though I had no right to. He looped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer.

"I need to breath." I blindly reached out to grab something. "I need to get out." I stumbled out of the bed but Azriel held firmly onto my waist.

"Let me take you somewhere. "

"No! Get away from me! Why don't you hate me?!" I stashed against his grip but he was stronger than me and pulled me back.

"Because I can't." His voice was a growl and I stopped struggling. My shoulders shook from the violent sobs and laboured breaths.

He continued, "I don't care if you need to kill me for whatever reason. I don't care about the future. I care about now. " His voice reduced to a whisper. "Just give me a now."

I pursed my lips to hold in my sobs as my head ached and the room spun. He threw the sheets away and pulled on his leathers. Standing by the window, he gestured me to move forward. "We can go somewhere else and talk."

"I'm still waiting for my well deserved punch." I slowly edged towards him.

"It's not coming as long as there is breath in my body." He held out his hand and I wrapped my fingers around his scarred ones.

Cold air hit my face and cooled it off as we flew over the mountains and stopped at a cliff. Is he going to throw me off this cliff? I shook away the stupid thought.

A shiver ran down my entire body when we landed and Azriel curled one of his wings around my body.

"Do you want to tell me why I'm going to die or is it going to remain a mystery forever?" He kicked away the snow at a stone and motioned for me to sit. I hesitated and he sighed before sitting down himself and pulling me down in his lap.

He wrapped both of his wings around me as I shrivelled up next to him, knowing full well that I didn't deserve any of this.

He should probably leave me here to die in the snow.

I started , "There is only one way to stop Lucifer from attacking the human world - a sacrifice. In Reapersbrook, there is an altar, if someone who can manipulate the darkness is sacrificed there, their soul will seal the gates of hell forever. It's the only way to make sure the devil stays where they belong - in the aftermore." I fumbled with my hands, looking everywhere but towards Azriel. "Even if I marry them, I can only have a small amount of sway in their decision making. I can not keep them in their territory. "

Silence swept over us like a wave. The wind howled and I waited for him to say something.

Finally, he asked. "What happens if I die?"

"Your soul-" I suddenly felt like I might vomit. "Would be bound to the gates of hell for eternity- like a gatekeeper, a guard. And I will still have to marry them." I didn't need to say who "them" was.

"So the Idesoy want to...." he trailed, probable confused.

"If they sacrifice you and trap your soul, they can make the devil do their bidding. That is possibly the greatest power you can hold in this world. They can lock Lucifer up whenever they desire with your soul and that is enough to threaten them. As for me, they will simply force me to marry Lucifer because without the contract, the marriage, I would be threat. They previously wanted to use my soul but ever since they knew about you, they had an option - Give Lucifer a queen and make them stronger and hold power over them."

Azriel tilted his head, resting his cheek on top of my head, his warmth and scent engulfing me. Another warm tear slipped down my cheek and my breath hitched. He rubbed my arm and I sobbed quietly. His voice was different when he spoke with his cheek squished against my hair, "We'll make it."

"Sometimes I wish I had your confidence. "I sighed.

"I stabbed the most powerful being in existence, stole his bride and bedded her on what was supposed to be their wedding night. That kind of thing does a lot to someone's confidence. "

For a second, I marveled at the fact that this was the silent one - the spymaster, the one in the shadows, and then I laughed. Maybe I was going insane from the madness of it all but I didn't stop until my stomach ached.

A faint smile graced Azriel's lips and he shook his head. "You're mad."

"Well, like you said, we only have a now, and I plan not to waste it." I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

"We could...find....another.... shadowsinger. "He mumbled against my lips.

I pealed my eyes open and watched my breath in the cold.

Another life.

Someone else.

A stranger - an innocent one - so that we could get our happily ever after.

"If we sacrifice someone before you get married to Lucifer, they will be trapped and you will be free." He said out loud, most probably to himself.

"Yes." I nodded, thinking about why we needed to find someone else.

What had I done to earn a claim over someone's life? What made me entitled to take their life to buy myself happiness?

Then, I looked at Azriel.

If I wouldn't do this for me, I would do it for him. He had earned a happy life for himself. He deserved to smile, laugh, love and be loved.

My life might not be worth more than someone else's, but his life was. It was worth my own and thousands more.

"How fast can your spies travel?" I asked.