Lost

I came home and walked around the house, seeing if I could find her anywhere. I couldn't even find either of my dogs Buckley or Brennan. When I finally walked into my bedroom she was asleep in my bed, Brennan and Buckley on each side of her, as if protecting her. I sat down on the bed and watched her. The bruises were slowly starting to fade from her body, and the swelling in her eye had gone done considerably. She had gone on leave from work and spent the last couple of weeks in my house. Reese had come to visit last weekend and she seemed in higher spirits ever since. The only time she left was to see her therapist and the one time I took her to get a new phone so Jeremy could no longer contact her.

As I watched her I wondered where her strength came from. She had spent so much of her life alone. No mother, an alcoholic abusive father. Unable to make any friends at school, scared they would find out. She wasn't able to dress like a normal kid because of the bruises on her body.  When I had to leave to pursue my career it was the first I ever saw her cry. I called her almost every day, even when I was exhausted. She was the person I looked forward to seeing whenever I went home and I felt terrible that I was no longer able to protect her.

When she moved to LA for school I was ecstatic. I offered to buy her a house but she refused. She refused me any time I offered to pay for anything. She was always my #1 fan. She convinced me I was capable of anything. When she smiled at me my heart skipped a beat. I'd always been in love with her, but I knew I could never be there the way she deserved someone to be. Yet here we were, 32 years later. Somehow we found each other. We always found each other.

We hadn't had sex or really discussed our relationship in general. Sometimes we kissed, but we never did anything sexual. She seemed content and I didn't want to disrupt that. She always let me fall asleep holding her, but sometimes I would wake up in the middle of night and she would be on the veranda, looking out onto the cityscape, one of the dogs next to her and a blanket wrapped around her. Sometimes I would sit next to her and we would watch the sun come up together.

She stirred and stretched her legs out. I reached out and touched one and she jumped. Brennan got up and moved to the other side of the bed, annoyed.

"Justin!" she said, kicking my hand away from her. 

"Rise and shine." I said.

'What time is it?"

"It's 3pm."

"Yikes."

"Are you hungry?"

"I'm always hungry." she said scooting closer to me. She put her face in front of mine and smiled. I couldn't help but smile back at her. I loved her face. "How was your day?"

"It was ok. Better now that I'm looking at you."

"I'm starting to feel like this black eye kind of makes me look rugged. Like Brad Pitt in Fight Club."

"I think that's a little much. You're still cute though."

"Thanks."

She kissed me. Very softly at first, and then her tongue slid in my mouth for the first time in weeks. I recalled in the back of my mind that she was always horny when she woke up in the morning. Her hand reached behind my ear and pulled me closer. She was slowly leaning back onto the bed...and then my phone rang. She removed her hand and pulled away from me while I inwardly groaned. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pressed the ignore button.

"What do you want to eat?" I said.

"I don't know...maybe we can order something?" she said.

"I think there's some takeout menus in the nightstand and some in the kitchen. We can also try postmates." I said looking down at my phone and checking my texts.

I was busy replying back to a text as Cassy pulled open the nightstand. When I looked up at her she had a book in her hands that she was staring at intently. I looked over and read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". My heart dropped and she looked up at me.

'Was Jessica...pregnant?" she asked softly.

"No. We were just talking about it." I said.

'You were talking about having a baby?"

"It was something she really wanted."

"Oh." she put the book down on the nightstand and got off the bed. "I'm gonna go look for some takeout menus in the kitchen."

I watched her walk out the room and cursed myself for not checking any of the nightstands after Jessica had collected all her things. So much for attempting more intimacy. We ended up ordering thai food and she convinced me to watch Grey's Anatomy.

"So I was thinking..." she said looking at me.

"You were thinking?"

"I think I'm gonna move back into my condo."

"Why? You don't want to stay here?" I said sitting up straight.

"Your house in beautiful, but I think I just need to live alone for a while. I need to figure a lot of things out."

"I understand." I didn't, but I wasn't going to argue with her.

"Will you come with me to take my stuff? I just wanna...make sure Jeremy hasn't been there."

"Of course."

"Thanks." she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I couldn't help but wonder if it was a friendly kiss or a romantic one. 

That night when I rolled over I noticed she was gone. I looked over at the clock and it read 3:52am. I got up and pulled on a tshirt, walked out on to the veranda, where I knew she would be. This time she was alone. In her same spot. A blanket wrapped around her and her legs pulled up to her chest.

"Hey." I said, sitting down next to her.

"Hey. I didn't mean to wake you...again." she said, opening her arms and letting me into the blanket. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and she snuggled into my chest.

"Maybe you should see someone about your inability to sleep, C."

"I just can't stop thinking."

"What can't you stop thinking about?"

"I keep blaming myself for what happened. I keep wondering how I possibly could've been so stupid. I knew what the signs were. I stayed after the first time he hit me. I let him manipulate me for years and I didn't even bat an eye. I always thought I would never be one of those abuse victims that grew up and willingly entered abusive relationships. And instead, not only did I willingly enter one, but I married him. I fucking married him, Justin. I'm not stupid. I'm not weak. Why did I...why did I let this happen? Rather than just be with you, I chose the absolute worst person for me. And I broke your heart in the process. I just feel terrible. I feel...stupid."

I wasn't sure what to say to comfort her. I didn't understand what she was going through and I never would. But I loved her. And I wanted her to feel comfortable enough not to hold these things in with me. It occurred to me this was one of the first times she spoke to me like we were still best friends. Like there wasn't an 8 year gap and we weren't admittedly in love with each other. 

"You're not stupid and there's absolutely no reason why you should blame yourself. I love you, and I'm here to protect you. There is no one on this Earth I love more than you and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from this."

"You couldn't have protected me from this, Justin. Sometimes...I wonder whether or not I deserved this. I wonder why I've felt so much pain in my life and what I've done to have had to live like this. Did I do something in a past life? Am I a bad person? Normal people don't get beaten by their rich husbands, or fall in love with international pop stars who also happen to be their childhood best friend. It just seems...it seems really fucking unfair."

We stopped talking after that. We just watched the city below us.