Blindsided

I had an incredible meeting. This museum was beautiful. Small, but containing artists I had already dreamed of being in a museum full of. It was also more youthful than most of the museums I'd been to. I was so excited and so nervous. There's no way I could move back to Los Angeles. There's too many memories of Justin here. It seemed as though the same might become of New York very soon. I had just FaceTimed Jeremy in Paris and he told me the choice was mine to make.

Sitting on the couch contemplating all the decisions I was going to have to make, I heard a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock and realized it was already 8:15pm. Shit, Justin. Dinner. I realized I hadn't even changed out of my suit and went to answer the door. Justin was standing there with greasy bags in his hands and a smile on his face.

"I thought you were taking me out and spending some of that MySpace money." I said, smirking at him.

"Ouch. A little early for that joke don't you think? I'm not even sure that I like you that much yet."

"If you didn't you wouldn't have brought me whatever is in that greasy bag."

"Are you gonna let me in or what?"

I let Justin in and closed the door behind him. We walked into the kitchen and he sat the bags down on the counter. The smell was driving me nuts.

"Are you going to eat in that? That's an awfully nice suit."

"Well I assumed we'd be going somewhere nice. Wanted to look good for you."

"Yeah yeah. You wore that to your meeting. You look like you razzle and dazzled."

"That I definitely did."

"We could've gone out, but it's LA and honestly I just don't feel like dealing with Justin seen with new blonde bombshell while Jessica is home in New York reports."

"Blonde bombshell?"

"Don't hype yourself."

"It's really impossible to be a celebrity and have friends. I can't imagine not living a private life. Especially at this age. You're doing pretty well I think. I don't hear much in the way of rumors."

"I'd like to keep it that way."

"Showing up to some random place in Santa Monica regularly probably isn't helping your case."

"It'll be fine."

Justin pulled out some plates and I went into the bedroom to change into something else. I pulled on some fitted black joggers and my favorite white Rag & Bone tee. When I walked back into the living room Justin was sitting on the couch stuffing his face with a pastrami sandwich and watching Arrested Development. I sat down next to him and grabbed my plate.

"I honestly could not be more relieved you brought me this."

"I was thinking about it all day today. Jessica doesn't really enjoy their food. Says it's too greasy."

We sat there for a while stuffing our faces with sandwiches and fries. Laughing at each other and TV. This felt so comfortable being around Justin again and I was almost in disbelief that it was happening. It felt as though he'd never walked out that day. As though we didn't stand in this very living room and I never told him I didn't love him. He never kissed me. We'd never had sex.

Then my stomach dropped. All those things did happen. He kissed me. We had sex. I told him I didn't love him. He told me he was in love with me. He...was in love with me. I started collecting our plates and went into the kitchen to clean them. I needed time to collect myself. Soon thereafter Justin joined me and I felt a little annoyed. He started jingling in the cabinets behind me and I wondered what he was doing before he walked back into the living room. I turned off the sink and walked back into the living room to Justin with two glasses of bourbon and a bottle. Something told me not to drink with Justin. I did it anyway. I really needed something to calm my nerves.

Four glasses down and a few episodes of Parks and Rec later, I was feeling pretty drunk and I could tell Justin was too. He was leaned back on one side of the couch, facing me, and I was doing the same on the other side. As we were talking his eyes drifted down to what I thought was my chest.

"You still have the necklace." He said looking back up. My hands immediately went to my neck and I realized I was still wearing the "C" necklace. I intended to take it off before Justin and I went to dinner. It slipped my mind when I changed clothes. 

"Yeah...I just...I mean, I found it again when I got here. I haven't been here in...years. But I have a safe hidden in my closet. And I just...I found it again." I could feel my whole body getting hot spreading from my chest to my face. Justin suddenly reached over and my breath caught in my through before he grabbed my glass from my hand. 

"So, tell me what you thought of the album." He asked as he poured us both another drink.

"Are you trying to get me drunk so I'll tell you the truth?" I said, taking my drink from him and leaning my shoulder into the couch. I tried to laugh so it didn't seem like he had caught me so off guard. 

"Maybe. Are you deflecting?" He took a long sip.

"Not even. I stopped at Mirrors. I was so tired."

"You're lying."

"What?" I said taken aback.

"Your eye flickered."

"Oh my god, Justin. Here we go with the eye flicker thing again." I said laughing.

"You can pretend all you want but your eye flickers when you lie." I said, also laughing. 

"Is there something on it you need me to hear or something?" I asked, looking him in the eyes.

"I guess I thought there would be something you particularly liked." He said, looking back. Both our grins suddenly faltered as we looked into each other's eyes.

"I have to use the bathroom." I sat my glass on the table and got up.

While I was in the bathroom I took probably longer than I should've. I almost splashed water in my face before I realized I was still wearing makeup. I groaned to myself and washed the makeup off my face before I washed my hands. When I walked out the bathroom, I could hear the sounds of the ocean. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Justin was in the living room playing his iPhone, the sounds of Blue Ocean Floor wafting through my condo. Justin saw me standing there and reached his hand out to me. I looked at it for a second before I reached out my hand. The moment his hand touched mine my whole body lit up. He pulled me to him and put his hands on my waist, my hands resting on his shoulders. He started swaying back and forth.

"What are you doing, exactly?"

"Dancing with you." He said, matter-of-factly.

"I don't-"

"Shh...enjoy the song."

He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me. My elbows dropped to my sides, my hands resting on his chest, and I rested my head there along with them. I was...very drunk. Not just by the alcohol but by Justin. It had been so long since his arms had been around me. Listening to this song I knew he wrote about me was making me feel so many things. And at almost the very same chord as a few nights ago, I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I did my best to containt myself but the alcohol had fully gotten to me and next thing I knew I was crying in Justin's arms.

I rarely cried. I didn't know if it was the years of the abuse or my inability to be fully intimate with someone other than Justin, but these emotions I'd been holding in all these years about Justin, the ones I could never talk about...now he was standing here, holding me, something I thought would never happen again...I couldn't hold on to my composure anymore. The song ended and the music stopped playing. You could only hear my soft cries. I pulled myself away from Justin and turned my back to him.

"Cassy, what's wrong?" he said, concern laced his voice. 

"I can't do this with you." I said wiping away tears.

"What?" Justin walked over to the front of me and pulled my hands down from my face. I snatched my hands away from his. 

"What are we doing? You just popped up one day and now you're appearing at my house, bringing me coffee and food...holding me. What are you doing, Justin?" I looked at him through my red eyes.

Justin stepped away from me and looked me in the eyes.

"I don't know." He shook his head. "I don't fucking know. I just know that from the moment those elevator doors opened and I was looking at you I wasn't able to think about anything else. It fucking makes me angry. It's hard for me to look at you. My heart is beating out my chest just looking at you right now. I can smell you wherever I go. I can fucking smell you ever since that day I walked you to your door that first night after dinner. I just wanted to touch you. I...I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing." Justin rubbed his hand across is face. We were silent for a while.

"I think you should go." I said, looking down at my feet. I watched a tear hit the hardwood beneath me. 

"You're right."

I could feel the wind when he breezed past me and I fought myself hard for the next few seconds. I tried to tell myself I was married. That just was married. We were both married to other people.

"Justin."  I said, quietly.

 He stopped and turned around with a pained expression on his face. We were standing in the exact same spots we were in 8 years ago. Him standing there waiting for me to say something, and me standing here fighting everything I was feeling. Prepared to say the exact wrong thing.

"I lied." I said, this time a little louder.

"Lied about what?" He said, confused.

"About not being in love with you." 

He stood there for a long time before he turned around and walked towards the door. He stopped and looked at me one last time before he slammed the door behind him. I sat down on the couch and cried for a while, blankly staring at the TV and downing another glass of bourbon. I finally collected myself and went to climb into my bed. 

The sheets were soft and smelled clean. I pulled a pillow towards me and cradled it close to my body. When was the last time I even cried? I had forgotten I was capable of feeling this many emotions, my mix of depression medications was only that which the richest of doctors could prescribe. Not that they prescribed me anything worth having anymore. I was contemplating the thought when I heard my doorbell ring. My heart jumped as I got up and ran to the door, swinging it open.

"Can I come in?" Said Justin.

I stepped aside and let Justin walk in. I closed the door behind him and locked it. I turned around and before I even had time to breathe my back was against the door and Justin's lips were on mine. My mind was blank. My hands instinctually found his hair, then his cheeks, then gripping his shirt. His hand were everywhere. They went from wrapped around my waist, to pulling at my hips, before he reached under my shirt, and under my bra. I moaned in his mouth. He started untying the strings to my joggers and I was unzipping his jeans. My joggers fell to the floor, and I stepped out of them. Justin's pants fell to the floor and he reached down, ripping my panties off, never breaking the kiss. He lifted my legs up so they were wrapped around him...and then he fucked me against my front door. Hard. My hands were gripping his hair and his had a death grip on my thighs. I was almost screaming, and Justin's grunts were deep and hard. I could feel my back hitting the door hard behind me but I didn't care. I just wanted him.  I came so hard I thought I went blind, and he finished shortly afterward. He let my thighs go and I unwrapped myself from around him, feeling my knees give out before he caught me.

"What...I...I don't...I'm sorry." He panted, out of breath, standing me up straight.

"Don't be sorry. I'm not an innocent party in this either." I said trying to compose myself and feeling the pain in my back.

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know." I became aware of how naked I was and grabbed my joggers and ripped panties off the floor. Justin pulled up his boxers and jeans, zipping them.

"This is so...fucked. We are so fucked." I said rubbing my temples. I walked down the hallway and into my room, sitting down on the bed an placing my head in my hands. I could hear footsteps coming down the hallway and Justin sat down on the bed next to me.

"I got home and I sat on my couch for a long time. I had a whole speech prepared that I wanted to give you. So many things I wanted to say. But when you opened the door it just...it didn't seem to matter."

I looked up at Justin and his blue eyes were looking down at me. I understood exactly what he meant. And I kissed him.