The Flight

"He brought you lunch today? That was nice of him." Jeremy and I were having dinner (an amazing angel hair pasta and breaded chicken he made), discussing our day.

"Yeah. He said he wanted to thank me for hanging out with Jessica. Then he left kind of abruptly."

"Are you sure nothing happened between the two of you?" He said, suspiciously. 

"I don't know. You know how famous people are. Justin has been so paranoid about friends and things maybe he just feels like I betrayed him by not being his friend any longer." I said, unflinchingly. 

"It must really be terrible to be that kind of famous."

"It was really hard being his friend." For more reasons than one. "Um, I got a phone call today. From Joanne Heyler."

"The director of The Broad Foundation? You're kidding. What did she say?"

"She offered me a job at The Broad."

"In LA? Babe, that's amazing! I'm so proud of you!" He got up and pulled me out of my chair, lifting me into his arms.. "When do you start? Should I call some movers? Start looking at houses?"

"I haven't decided whether I'm going yet. I know you want to move back to LA but this is a big decision for me. You can make art anywhere, but you know how important this job was to me. It's...The Met."

"Cassy, how many times have you drooled over The Broad Foundations collection? You'll be surrounded by Mark, by Basquiat! Think of the creative possibilities. Think of how this will allow you to flourish. This museum is you."

"I don't know, Jeremy. She wants to fly me out in the next two weeks. I'll go, I'll see it...I'll make a decision."

"Well, I want to come with you but I can't miss this flight to Paris." Jeremy was flying to Paris to show his paintings in a gallery. Well, that was what he told me at least. 

"It's fine...I'll figure it out."

I was laying on the couch with Reese a couple of days later, something I felt like I never got to do anymore. It's different to hang out with your friends once you're both married. I guess in a way your family becomes your life. I'd never really had a family or a significant other that had assumed the position of a family member. Sometimes Jeremy talked about kids, and I guess my biological clock was ticking, but I just wasn't sure I ever wanted to have kids. Jeremy was an only child, like me, except he wanted to have a huge family because of it. He wanted upwards of 4 kids. The thought made me cringe, and I felt like feeling that way was wrong.

"How many kids do you think you and Aidan will have?" I said, thoughtfully. 

"I think we agreed on 2. Whatever we have I'll be happy with though. I just hope I get pregnant soon. How many do you think you and Jeremy will have?"

"I don't know. I don't...really want kids. Whenever he brings it up I feel really uncomfortable and I don't know how to tell him my doubts about it."

"You guys have been together for years..you haven't discussed having kids? I guess maybe I never considered you didn't want any. You seem to avoid the subject now that I'm really thinking about it."

"Now that we're married everyone keeps telling me that's the next logical step. But when I think about it, it gives me so much anxiety."

"I swear I've never met a more indecisive person in my life. When are you leaving?"

"I leave tonight at 8. Arrive sometime around 1am. It's gonna feel so weird to be in my apartment again. The last sublet moved out a few months and I just haven't found someone to take it over yet. Do you think I just sell it?"

"No. Never. That apartment is beautiful. And who knows, you might wanna give it to one of your kids one day."

"Right...my kids."

That night I was sitting in the airport terminal waiting for them to call my flight. I was scrolling through Apple music looking for something to listen to when in my recommended was a Justin Timberlake playlist. I knew Justin had released an album a couple of years ago, and I'd of course heard the singles, but I never listened to the album even though I bought it. It always made me think of our old ritual and thinking about how Justin and I...it was just too painful. I fought the urge to listen to the playlist and kept scrolling.

"You're just gonna diss me like that?" I jumped into the air when I heard a voice next to me. 

"Justin? What the fuck." I said letting out a large sigh. 

"I've been sitting here for like 5 minutes and you've just been staring at that damn phone."

"Are you...going to LA?"

"I have a meeting. Fancy meeting you here." He was being a lot nicer that he usually was. I wondered what his angle was, but I wasn't going to give him any reason to go back to wanting to throw me down the stairs.

"Isn't it?" I said, sarcastically. 

"Lucky for you, you get to sit next to me for the next 5 hours."

"How do you even know we're going to be sitting next to each other?"

"I can be quite persuasive." I said, smugly.

"Jesus. Come on, we're boarding."

We boarded the plane, and he persuaded the woman next to me to switch seats with him by basically just smiling at her. We spent a good portion of the trip just laughing about random things, and it was so nice to just talk to justin. It almost felt like I had my best friend back. I could at least pretend for 5 hours. 

"So do you think you're really going to take this job?" he asked me, taking a sip of his beer.

"I don't know. It's kind of a dream job for me. I mean...but you also don't just give up a job at The Met."

"Don't you miss the sun? You loved LA. I couldn't believe you were living in New York. You've never liked the cold."

"Of course I love LA. It represents so many positive changes I made in my life. I just...sometimes it feels like there are things in LA haunting me."

"Like me?" I turned to look at Justin after he said this. Of course I meant him.

"Of course not, Justin."

"There are a lot of things in LA that remind me of you. I just figured you felt the same." he took another sip. 

"I mean, of course I feel the same it's just...not what I meant."

"Does it feel weird that we're both going to be there together?"

"It feels weird that you're sitting here next to me having a normal conversation with me."

"It's definitely weird. But how could I pretend I didn't know you on a 5 hour flight?"

"Is that why you decided to talk to me? To avoid awkwardness?"

"I thought we had decided to try and be friends."

"We did. I just didn't think you would take to the idea so well."

"Well, neither did I."

Justin didn't really ask any personal questions for the length of time we were on the plane. I don't know how long it would take for us to reach that point as friends. Or if we ever would. I didn't know how to ask him questions about Jessica, and I'm sure he didn't know how to ask me any about Jeremy. We'd both jumped on board with other people during our time attempting to get over each other and then ultimately married them. I don't doubt that Jeremy is the only person I could possibly spend my life with. I'm sure Justin feels the same. If we attempted to talk about the last 8 years it would greatly involve those two. I just don't think I'm ready for all that information yet. The plane finally landed and Justin offered that we share an Uber.

"What hotel are you staying in?"

"Um...I'm not staying in a hotel. I was actually gonna stay at my condo while I'm here."

"You still have that place?"

"I could never bring myself to give it up."

"Can I...no, that's not appropriate at all. Let's go. We'll drop you off first."

Justin gave directions to the driver and I spent a lot of the ride staring out the window. The sun was shining brightly, and I was thinking about how much I really missed seeing the sun every day. It had been a very long time since the last time I was in LA. Justin was on his phone most of the ride. I didn't want to attempt to make smalltalk. I didn't know if he felt strange about the fact that he'd almost asked me could he come over. When we reached my condo and I opened the door I could smell the ocean. I really missed that smell. Los Angeles really knows how to sell itself.

"Cassandra, take my number. You know, in case you want to hang out...or something. Whatever."

"It's fine, Justin. Don't make it weird."

He put his number in my phone, the driver gave me my luggage (after Justin repeatedly asked could the driver help take it upstairs), and I walked into my building. It felt strange being there. Especially after seeing Justin. As I waited in the elevator to reach my floor my mind drifted to that moment when the doors opened and Justin was standing there. The first time I'd looked into those blue eyes in 8 years. They were still as beautiful as they were back then. I wondered if he still smelled the same or if he changed his cologne. I really wish it was appropriate to hug him. I miss what he felt like. How safe I felt. 

I walked into my apartment and it felt empty. I always changed things around after someone was done subletting, but I usually never had time to fly to Los Angeles to see it all in person. I just paid someone to do it for me. I walked into my bedroom and admired the huge California king and it's fluffy white duvet cover. There was a new headboard there. A tall one made out of wood. It looked so modern and so beautiful. I sighed and threw all my stuff into a nearby chair. I opened my closet door, and over in the corner spotted what I was looking for. I sat down on the floor and started unlocking the safe in front of me. When I finally got it open, I reached in and pulled out a small Tiffany's box. I popped it open and inside was a necklace bearing the letter "C". I looked at it for a long time before I got up and walked out of the closet.

I connected my phone to the new bluetooth speakers in my room, and sat down in the new lounge space I had in my bedroom. I scrolled through my iTunes, and decided to listen to Justin's new album. Pusher Love Girl started the mood off right. It was very Justin. Strawberry Bubblegum became an instant favorite. I always missed Justin when I heard him sing. On the months he would be gone I would listen to NSYNC albums and pretend he was still down the street from me. When I reached Mirrors I decided to text Justin.

"So, I'm listening to 20/20 for the first time."

"Well, hello there. You've never listened to it before? I think my feelings are actually hurt."

"I bought it, but I could never bring myself to actually listen to it. It's really good Justin. I especially love Strawberry Bubblegum."

"I always thought you would like that one." I didn't think he ever thought about me. "What song are you on now?"

As I read the text I heard the sounds of the ocean coming from my speakers and slow, sweet melody.

Frequencies so low

Heart on a string

A string that only plays solos

Rain made of echoes

Tidal wave rushing on and on

Under the water you scream so loud but the silence surrounds you

But I hear it loud when you fall in the deep and I'll always find you

If my red eyes don't see you anymore

And I can't hear you through the white noise

Just send your heartbeat, I'll go

To the blue ocean floor

Where they find us no more

On that blue ocean floor

I sat there staring at the speakers, my heart beating fast. It seemed ridiculous to think what I was thinking, but I couldn't think of any other explanation. Everything about the song was reaching into me. I could feel every word, every emotion. I had never heard this song before, but it felt like I had heard it all my life. The slow, comforting drawl Justin used to use when he would sing me to sleep.

20,000 leagues away, catch up to you on the same day

Travel at the speed of light, thinking the same thought at the same time

Heart beats at a steady pace, I'll let the rhythm show you the way

No one can find us here, fade out and disappear...

As the song came to a head, I realized I was crying. I wiped away my tears and attempted to compose myself as the song ended. Then I played it again to make sure what I had just experienced was real. It was. I wanted to ask Justin about it, but I knew he would never take me seriously. Whether or not he would admit it, I knew Justin wrote this song for me. Every lyric reminded me of something Justin said to me. It reminded me of all the times we sat watching the ocean at our place. The time he kissed me under the moonlight. The time he made love to me. Then when I broke his heart. I couldn't stop crying now no matter how hard I tried. I had buried all these emotions years ago and here they were again. Staring me in the face.

"J, please never leave me." I was gripping him as though my life depended on it. Tears streaming down my face, my left eye in blinding pain.

"If I have to swim to the bottom of the ocean I will always find you. It will always be me and you."

My phone vibrated next to me and I picked it up, seeing Justin's name flash across my screen.

"I hope the silence is because you like it and not because it sucks so bad you don't know what to say." I read his text and smiled. How could I ruin this friendship we're trying to build again?

"No, no. I think I'm just tired and jet lagged. I'm going to go to sleep. I'll let you know if I listen to Part II tomorrow."

"Goodnight Cassy."

"Goodnight Justin."

He called me Cassy and I think I melted. Justin was texting me. He was 20 minutes away and he was speaking to me. He moved into an apartment in my same building. Is this all coincidence or is it fate? I looked down at my wedding ring and started to feel guilty. I hadn't thought about Jeremy at all since I saw Justin and now I'm crying over him too. I was too old to be this fickle with my feelings. I'm married. I started to panic. All these past feelings and unresolved issues I had with Justin are what's been haunting me all these years. Maybe it's time to face all of these demons.