Chapter 25

The next morning, I woke up but didn't want to get out of bed. I slept most the day, not even bothering to answer Gabby when she knocked on the door of my room. She had said she was going to work. I checked my phone. She didn't work today, she was going to Logan. She had left and I was officially alone. Like when I was back in Delta.

The loneliness set in like it had back home and I was not able to find happiness in four dorks on tv. I would have only felt more pain had that been the case. I had turned my phone off from the world. I locked the doors and windows in my apartment and lied in bed all day and all night. I couldn't find happiness in any fanfiction of anyone other than BTR, and I found depression in the ones about them. I had been living a fanfiction and while it was glamorous for awhile, none of these writers knew the heartache of when that said famous man would break your heart.

That you would spiral out of your own control and how you would hate yourself. No one would ever be able to feel this unless they wrote it in a fanfiction, but even then they never described it quite right. They time lapse, to when the girl is feeling brand new again or when she meets up with the guy again. They never say how it hurts.

How it is dreadful and the worst pain you'll ever feel. They never tell you that you hate yourself more than anything in the world.

But I know how it feels. The memories of Kendall and I rush through my mind and another piece of my heart breaks with each memory's fading sharpness. The little adorable moments and even the larger ones, are what keeps my mind running and my body sleepless. Gabby comes to check in on me and I don't ever move.

My happiness is gone. She tries to get me to shower so we can go have a girl's night, but I can smell Logan's cologne on her. I can taste it even. She thinks it's okay to still smell like him when she comes over. It drives me nuts. Her happiness with him. I wanted that. I wanted that with anyone, just anyone.

Not just Kendall.

But with any living breathing soul. She barely would come over for about five minutes before she'd give up and be on her way back to Logan. I envied her. She had a family that cared. Or at least cared enough to put their job at stake sneaking her and her friends in places. She had a loving Logan at her command while what did I have? Nothing. I had money.

I had a tattoo. I had a piercing. I had memories and I hated it all because all of those memories revolved around Kendall.

I hated Kendall, but I couldn't bring my heart to stop loving him.