Chapter 12 - Can't Fight it

Chapter 12 – Can't Fight It.

A few days later;

Emily Sanders...

Busying myself by; closing the window shutters all over the house, candles were lit only in my room, I was using a lantern to get the things done; I had put provisions up into the panic room, should I need it, my laptop was charged up and I had some music ready to listen to if it gets too difficult to drag my attention from the noises around the house. The weather report had advised everyone to basically, baton down the hatches, with plenty of supplies – so I had made a supermarket run to get plenty of water and food, and batteries. When I had gotten home, I had gone outside and moved everything that wasn't held down to the decking, and put it all in the garage. I couldn't be more prepared than I am now.

This is the first storm that I have ever been in, by myself, and I am terrified – I don't want to be here alone. When my dad was here – he'd get all the essentials; water, food, candles and novelty style fairy lights and we would go down into the basement where dad had worked relentlessly to turn it into a games room and cinema room.

However, I just couldn't do the tradition that I did with my dad; it is just too painful and a huge reminder that he isn't here anymore. So instead – I am going to get upstairs into my room, crawl into bed with the panic room door open just in case.

I have never lived alone – and this house is ridiculously large even when dad was here, let alone me being here alone. I had spent yesterday looking at much smaller homes, which meant that I would have to sell this house – but that is going to have to wait because I am just not ready; this house is the very last place in the world where I had endless memories. I feel so lost and so alone, which is utterly stupid because I have my girls and I have Jeff.

I mean I think that I have Jeff. I am still very confused about what is going on with us. I haven't seen or heard from him since that night in his kitchen. I can't help but wonder if he had confessed every detail to his ex-wife! Or, my worst nightmare – they had decided to give their marriage another shot. The thought of him with another woman – makes my heart hurt. At the end of the day; he doesn't owe me anything. We are not a couple and we hadn't even kissed, a few almost moments, but definitely not flesh on flesh contact. That last moment was the one where his ex-wife walked into the kitchen – I can't help but wonder what had been about to happen; would we have kissed? Would it have led to more than just kissing? I have gone over all the possible scenarios in my head and fuck me; I wish that woman had not walked into the kitchen at that time. I do feel shitty about the way I had treated him when I had no idea was happening with Lizzy. I mean the woman was bat-shit-crazy, but she has one thing that I don't – history!

How am I meant to compete with that? Lizzy is the girl's mom and Jeff loves his girls more than anything or anyone – what if he decides that he needs to give his marriage one last go? Just the thought of that; had my stomach twisting into a painful knot. I can't help overthinking everything – that is just who I am. I am my own worst enemy; my mind will draw up the worst scenario and convince myself; of the very worse scenario, and that is how the whole situation will work out. I guess you could say that I am a pessimist.

I just can't keep waiting for him to make up his mind; it's just not good for me – maybe I should just give up on him now; take the decision into my own hands. At least that means I'd have my dignity intact. Like my dad – I don't beg for anyone or anything – you want to walk away? Hold on for a second.... I will hold the door open for you. If I feel like someone is taking liberties with me – I walk away without saying a word. However, this time its Jeffrey and my resolve is almost translucent with him. I am in real trouble, and I have no one to talk to about it all. My diaries should have been renamed the Jeffrey Chronicles – writing about him was really my only way to release. I really do hate the fact that I don't have anyone to talk too – it's not that I don't have other friends; it's just that, I don't trust any of them enough with such a delicate secret.

Sliding my baseball bat at the side of my bed where I could grab it easily should I need to. The candles around the room made a very intimate aura, which was extremely relaxing; it's just a pity that I don't have anyone to share it with.

This rush of thoughts are getting out of control – it feels as if I am being consumed by him.

I can hear the wind slithering around the outside of my house; keeping me trapped inside, my heart is hammering around my chest bone so quickly that my breath is trying in earnest to catch the rhythm of my heart but failing miserably. Before I realise it; I am having a full-blown panic attack – resting my back against the velvet head-board; my knees drawn to my chest – one hand was wrapped over my legs and the other hand was resting on top of the baseball bat at the side of my bed.

I truly never realised just how utterly terrified that I am – masked only by the fact that my dad has gone, leaving me alone. I guess that old saying – all kids want is their parents when they are ill or scared. I am still so lost!

I miss my dad and not just because he made me feel safe; my dad had been like a friend to me too. After my mom died; it had just been my dad and I. Of course, we were going to become close – and there hadn't ever been arguments or delinquent behaviour as my dad knew that I told him everything that I could, obviously there are things that you just don't want to share with your parents; regardless of how much I wanted too. I really wish that I could have gotten to know my mom. Dad made sure that I knew everything there was to know about who my mom was and what made her tick. Photos were displayed all over the house, home videos were always lying within my site, should I ever want to play them. My mom had the best name to describe – Grace. It was as beautiful a name as my mom was. I wish that I could be half as beautiful as my mom. Every Christmas from the moment that I saw my other friends with their moms; I wished every year that I could have my mom back, and obviously, every year I'd be left feeling disappointed and angry.

Why couldn't I have what I want? Why; when my friends got all that they asked for; why couldn't I just get my mom? Was I a bad girl? Is that why I couldn't get what I wanted? I can remember being terrified that I was a bad girl, but eventually as I got older; the entire holiday left me disappointed but it made sense.

Wait!

What the hell is that? It sounded like the front door being slammed. My hand gripped a little tighter around the baseball bat. I am more than sure that I locked all the doors and windows. Fear gripped my heart, in a frozen blanket; my breath froze as the fear spread like wild fire through my veins.

Is there someone in my house? Is there someone coming after me? I am literally shaking – and I am rooted to the spot, I couldn't move even if I wanted too. What am I going to do? Grabbing my phone, hoping against all hope that I have a signal – typing 911 into a text message and firing it to Jeffrey; he was the one who would be closest and I can't imagine calling anyone else but him. Moving to the panic room, I slid inside as silently as possible and pressed the close door button. I had enough things in here that I could comfortably wait out the storm.

Turning on the videos of the entire house; trying to see who is in my house – and right there on the stairs; I can see a man stopped; phone in his hand – what is he doing? Oh my God there is someone in my house, someone that I don't know in my house. This panic room is impenetrable right? Keeping an eye on the man on the stairs until he lifts his head to continue up the stairs...

Jeffrey! What is he doing here? And why is he trying to scare the hell out of me?

Opening the door, my bat still in hand – I marched to the bedroom door and yanked it open, "are you trying to fucking kill me?!" I demanded of him, "I thought that you were some fucking creepy burglar!"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted.... I needed to.... I had to come and make sure that you are ok,"

"Why? And why wouldn't you let me know that you were coming?" my breath was slowly returning to a much more comfortable pace for me. My heart, however was a much different story – the thumping was so loud I could feel it in my ears; can he hear it too?

I feel like I am a teenager again; with a crush on the football star who is more than way out of my league. I look at this man in front of me and all I can think about is the fact that I want him to kiss me – I know that he wanted to kiss me before, had he changed his mind? I don't want him to change his mind but I can't just ask him. Can I?

In his jeans and a black shirt under a black leather jacket – he looked very much like the 1960's heartthrob and my heart was his, whether he knew it or not. As corny as this sounds; I ache for him. In a way that I have never experienced before and that in itself scares the hell out of me.

"I didn't want to say over the phone..."

"Say what?" I asked him, the bat twirling under my hand – I am fidgeting in a way that I haven't in the longest time.

"That I can't fight this anymore!"

"Fight what?" I asked my breath hitched in the back of my throat as I wondered if it was what I thought it was.

"How I feel about you,"

"And how do you feel?"

Please say that you want to be with me. Please say that you want us to be a couple. Please, please, please, please – I could hear my begging in my head and I scold myself for begging and being so pathetic.

When did he move? Why is he so close?

"When I am with you – I feel lost, I feel out of control, I feel free and I feel like you could be the one..."

Did he actually just say that? Oh, my damn, I had wanted to hear something like that from him for so long – I can't believe that he is actually saying it. Is this real? Or have I fallen asleep again?

"Tell me to stop and I will," his lips were mere inches from mine and all I wanted to do was leap on him. Bring both of his hands up to my cheeks; he holds my head as if I am something fragile to be handled with care, his thumbs caress over my lips and my eyes meet his. I am not telling him to stop. Not now. There is nothing that can interrupt us this time.

The feel of the chemistry between his lips and mine; is addictive and I wanted more of it. My hands are a little unsure of what they should be doing, so they land on his elbows, my eyes never once leaving his and I am lost in those rich hazel pools that he calls eyes – how am I still standing? Oh, slowly he backed me up until I am resting against the wall – lost in his eyes as those lips finally close the distance and I swear to God, I saw fireworks, I could hear fireworks. With a very slow and meticulous technique, my own lips catch the pace easily, our tongues meeting in a sensual dance. My arms slowly snake up his upper arms; until they are wrapped around his neck and I am pulling him much closer to me.

This is everything that I had ever imagined it to be. I don't ever want it to stop.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan...

Sitting at home alone; my thoughts were running wild but mostly I had been thinking about Emily. I had tried to move past what I seemed to suddenly be feeling; but when I had heard that she had slept with someone else – my jealous reached a fever-pitch and that was when I knew that I couldn't fight. Now I am willing to at least be honest with myself about how I am feeling for her. I knew that she was at home alone – and there was something nagging at me; I had to go to her. So, without thought I braved the unrelenting storm, I just had to see her; I had to tell her how I feel, I could only hope that she feels something for me, in return.

The minute my eyes landed on her; standing before me in fluffy Sloth PJ's, her hair bundled up in a messy bun, large unicorn slippers – she still managed to look amazing. Beautiful just wasn't a strong enough description of what I saw when I looked at her.

Oh God, the feel of her soft skin was hypnotic; holding her face in my hands; I had told her that if she wanted me to stop, just to tell me and I would stop; but as she caved against my frame her beautiful dark eyes never once left mine; the intimacy was so strong that it wouldn't have surprised me if I could suddenly read her mind.

The feel of her body pulling me closer to her; our tongues met in a crash so powerful that I was silently cursing myself for taking so long for giving into what I feel. The tremble coming from her body had me pinning her a little firmer to the wall. I know that we are going to face a hell of a lot of back-lash when people find out about us. It wasn't a decision that I had made lightly.

I had run through the different scenarios – and possible outcomes; it all comes back to the age gap and that she is my dead best friend's daughter. I had even thought that I could ignore what I was feeling – and as you can see, that clearly stuck! I fought myself hard to stay away from her, but I just couldn't stay away. I know that Ben would be turning in his grave and I hate that I had to lose him – for this to happen. I can only hope that given time; he would have come around to Emily and I being together. Argh! I need to stop; I don't know if this is a start of something, in her mind.

My reluctance at pulling away from her was much stronger than I had been prepared for; softly I wiped a loose strand of her hair; behind her ear, "Jeff?"

"Yes darlin'?"

"What is happening here?"

For a few moments – I felt lost in her eyes. The promise of more; sparked wildly. It was a look that I had never noticed before. How the fuck hadn't I noticed before now? Had I always had these feelings – but subconsciously just never allowed myself to feel it? No, even I am not that great an actor – these feelings are far too new; my attraction to her had just sparked that night after the funeral.

"I, honestly don't know," if we were going to do this; then we most definitely, have to be honest with one another, "all I know is that I have become extremely attracted to you, and, God help me, I have tried so hard to deny my feelings and I have tried to tell myself that it can't work but I just can't fight it anymore,"

There was an intensity in her eyes – something that I hadn't ever noticed in her before and it was more than attractive. If I am being honest – I am still struggling with my feelings towards her. I feel like I am almost bipolar – one minute I am determined to fight it and the very next moment; I just want to come to her.

Sitting at home tonight – my thoughts had been determined in their task to torture me – I couldn't help but wonder if she was handling the storm on her own – I didn't want her to be alone through it all. It had been warned that it could be a couple of days before it completely passed.

"So, what does that mean?" she looked shy and apprehensive, "what I mean is; what is it that you want from me?"

"Right now – I just want to spend time with you and see how it goes from there; is that ok with you?"

With a trembling hand; she laced her fingers through mine as she led us to the bed; leading me to lie down; and she took the space next to me.

"Trust me – it's more than fine with me!"

Reaching my arm out – she wriggled towards me; until her head was lying against my chest. It felt right; more right than anything I had, had in a long time. The feel of her tiny frame snuggled into my side; felt like I had finally arrived home.

"You know I have had the biggest crush on you for as long as I can remember," she confessed in what sounded like relief. I truly don't know what to say to that; she had hidden it well because I had no idea. "you know I felt so alone for so long – there was no way I could talk to Paige and Ryan about it, so I dealt with it by myself; but you have no idea of how much it felt like torture,"

I really wish I could tell her that I felt the same way but I couldn't and there was no way that I wanted to start, whatever this is between us, in a lie. Resting my chin on top of her head; I couldn't escape the feeling of content wash through my body.

"You hid it well, Darlin'"

"Really? Because every time I was around you – I was positive that you had figured it out. I mean seriously – I always felt like I was drooling around you," she explained and I couldn't stop the chuckle from bursting forth. "Well I am glad that you find my mortification funny!" she giggled as she spoke.

"No, darlin' I am not laughing at you – I guess I am just nervous; this is all new for me and while it scares me; I realise that you are far more comfortable with what is happening with us,"

"You'd be surprised," she replied, "what are we going to do about your girls?"

I had been thinking of the very same thing; Emily and I definitely had to talk about this and come up with a plan. Paige and Ryan were the most important thing in the world to me and I know that all they have ever wanted for me; is to be happy. With my hand on my heart; I truly believe that Emily could make me very happy. My girls, would naturally feel weird about me dating their best friend but I had to believe that they would come around, given time.

"I actually think that we should stay quiet about it for a while – there is no point in upsetting them until we know what this is between us?"

"That is a great idea," I nodded, of course she was right. I know that they will be upset but until Emily and I figured out if this is something that could work. I am hoping with all my might that this would work. For the rest of the night; we curled up together and perfected our plans and what we would say if asked about us spending so much time together. Right in this moment – my life feels complete!