What we are willing to risk

"Dazai wait!" Chuuya stood at the doorway of his house.

"Take care of Atsushi," Dazai called out as he slid into his car, "I need to handle this."Chuuya threw his hands in the air, "Can't you at least tell me what's going on?"

"I need to see it for myself," Dazai started his car, shooting his boyfriend an apologetic look, "I'm sorry."

Chuuya stood helplessly as he watched Dazai's car pull out of the driveway, "That mother-"

"What's going on?" Louisa asked, appearing at the doorway beside Chuuya.

"I don't know," Chuuya sighed, "Something came up."

"Oh," Louisa stared after his car as it disappeared down the street, "I hope he's alright."

"Yeah," Chuuya felt his chest hum quietly, "Me too."

✰✰✰✰✰

Texting while driving is never a good idea. But for 17-year-old, suicidal Dazai, he couldn't think of anything better.

Dazai: Meet me at my house. Now.

Anonymous: Ok.

He gripped the steering wheel, glaring down at the text from the mysterious photo sender. Except they weren't mysterious, not to Dazai. He knew exactly who it was.

Dazai's mind was racing, betrayal, and anger swimming around his head. He was barely paying attention to the road as he skidded out the front of an SUV, he swore and righted himself just as he turned the corner into his street.

He stopped.

He knew it was true, he was certain.

But it still hurt to see.

That silver sedan parked right in front of his house.

He had spent so long letting it eat away at him. Where had he seen that car before?

But now it all made sense, it all seemed so clear.

How had he been so blind?

✰✰✰✰✰

Chuuya had restless leg syndrome. He wasn't sure if it was a real thing, but he definitely had it.

As he sat on the couch, his leg shook anxiously as he waited.

He'd shot Dazai a few texts, begging for some kind of reassurance. Some kind of explanation.

But he came up with nothing.

The dull ache in his chest had become like a hammer, digging into his ribcage.

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Louisa sat down beside him, "You seem tense. Very tense."

Chuuya sighed, leave it to Louisa to see right through me.

"I'm not sure," Chuuya clasped his hands in his lap, "Someone wants me and Dazai to..." He tipped his head back in exasperation, "Break up. They've been doing everything in their power to do so."

"What have they done?" Louisa paused, "Don't tell me they got you beaten up."

Chuuya shook his head, "I don't think they meant for that. At least I hope they didn't," Chuuya sighed, pressing his hands to his eyes, "They revealed we were dating on RIVALS, and they've threatened to post... alarming photos too. Dazai's going to figure it out. I know he will."

Louis looked down at the palm of her hands, "Why would they do that?" She was whispering.

"I don't know," Chuuya placed his hand on Louisa's shoulder, "They have to have a motive, some reason to want us gone. I doubt someone who was just homophobic would go to the length to stalk Dazai's house. No, there must be a personal reason that they-"He got it. He got why Dazai left without telling him. He got who was behind it. Everything clicked into place and he could see the full picture.

How had he been so blind?

"I have to go," Chuuya stood up, startling Louisa, "Can I use your car?"

"S-sure, but why?" Louisa was quick to stand up beside Chuuya, "Everything alright?"

"Yeah. I just need to go help Dazai, he thought he could fix this alone," Chuuya took the keys from Louisa, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as he neared the door.

"We can look after Atsushi," Louisa clasped her hands at her chest, "Be home soon okay?"

I will," Chuuya turned around at the door, stopping for a moment, "I love you, Mom."

Louisa's hands flew to her mouth, Chuuya closed the door before he could see her cry.

✰✰✰✰✰

Dazai had been there, sitting on the couch, when he heard the news that his mother had died in childbirth. He had watched his father fall to pieces by his very side. That day he vowed that there could be no pain worse than the feeling of great loss.

But in some ways, betrayal felt worse. Because the person he thought he could trust wasn't dead, no, in fact, he was alive, and standing in Dazai's very bedroom.

"Akutagawa," Dazai whispered through his teeth.

The black-haired man turned, smiling, "Hi, Dazai."

Dazai wanted to strangle his friend to death, but, "It was you," was all Dazai said.

Akutagwa shrugged, "What was me?"

"Everything!" Dazai threw his hands up in the air, "Every. Fucking. Thing."

"You mean the photos?" Akutagwa grimiced, "Yeah I did that."

"And Atsushi?" Dazai took a step forward, "I know it was your car dropping him off at the police station. Did you kidnap Atsushi?"

Akutagwa looked hurt, as if the prospect was completely unbelievable, "Of course I didn't! I'm not a psychopath. I saved Atsushi."

"I can't believe you-" Dazai continued, "What?"

"All I had to do was pay his Mom a ransom and she let him go," Akutagwa shrugged, "You know what whores are like with their money, they just can't get enough of it."

"How the-" Dazai stammered, "Why-"

"I used the money from the drug deal that you walked out on, you left me alone after making a promise," Akutagwa stepped towards the door as if Dazai might make a run for it.

"I had more important things to do," Dazai moved towards his friend.

"You mean more important people to do," Akutagwa smiled and held up his phone, on it were the two pictures, clear as day.

"You're a fucking psycho," Dazai clenched his fists, god he wanted to punch him, "Why do you care who I'm with?"

"I don't give a fuck what you do in your free time," Akutagwa rolled his eyes, the whole situation seemed boring to him, "You were getting distracted, he was convincing you not to sell. We made a promise. You aren't the only one who needed that money."

"You almost got Chuuya killed when you posted him on RIVALS! And all of that was because you felt left out!" Dazai shouted, stepping closer, "And you knew I wasn't paying him. You knew."

"Yeah I lied, but I had to or you guys would never end things," Akutagwa threw his hands in the air, "You were letting some boy distract yourself from our future!"

"He's not just some boy! And it's not our future. You could do this alone."

Akutagwa shook his head, "You and I both know I couldn't. Look, I got Atsushi back, he's the whole reason you were selling in the first place. Don't you want him to have a future?"

"Of course I do," Dazai clasped his hands at his side, "Just not one where his big brother is a drug dealer."

"Or where his father is abusive? Or where his mother doesn't care enough about him to stick around?" Akutagwa ran a hand through his hair, "Sounds like someone I know, doesn't it."

"You mother-"

"You need me Dazai," Akutagwa interrupted him, "Your little toy won't be around much longer, one day he'll get sent to prison just like his mother."

"What makes you so high and mighty?" Dazai stepped forward, "What makes you think I need you?" Another step. The two were face to face, "Why would I ever listen to you?"

"Because I have all the answers," Dazai could see Akutagawa's eyes were wild and unblinking, "And I could make this all go away."

"How could you possibly-" Then it hit him, "You're behind RIVALS... When management shifted, it was you who took over. Wasn't it?"

"Bingo," Akutagawa laughed, it was an odd sound, "And I can show the whole world these photos if I tried. One click and the whole school will know about you and you're whore boyfriend."

Dazai lunged at Akutagawa, but the black-haired boy dodged out of the way, laughing, "Akutagawa I swear to fucking god-"

"I'm not afraid of you anymore, Dazai," Akutagawa grabbed Dazai's wrist and twisted it, "I'm not going to cower at your feet anymore."

"If you post that on RIVALS," Dazai huffed, struggling to free himself from his friend's grip, "It won't just ruin Chuuya's life, it would ruin mine."

"Oh, I know," Akutagawa smirked, it was strange, he'd never seemed so happy, "But I have ways to ruin it far more. I wonder what the police would think if they found out you were the local drug dealer?"

"You wouldn't-"

"Or even better," Akutagwa was no longer laughing, "I could tell everyone who Odasaku really was to you."

"Stop-" Dazai squeezed his eyes shut.

"How he survived but your poor mother didn't," Dazai couldn't see, but he could tell Akutagwa was smiling wildly, "That he was your own blood."

"It wasn't my fault he-"

"Is that what Chuuya told you," Akutagwa sneered, "As you cried in his arms when you told him you killed the child your mother died for."

Dazai felt Akutagawa's grip slip for a moment and he pulled free, turning around to face his 'friend', "I did for that kid what I did for every other kid that came to me, I sold him drugs, he was the one who decided to kill himself. Selling drugs was never a good idea, but it kept me and my brother alive. I never meant for it to happen."

"Yet you let it-"

"You are as much responsible as me, Akutagawa!" Dazai shouted, feeling his body tense, "Every time I tried to quit you pulled me right back into this fucked up cycle!"

"Well, maybe you weren't the only one who needed money, Dazai! Have you ever thought to get to know what my life is like? Or are you just too stuck being depressed about your own shitty life?"

"Everything I have done has been for someone else. Everything. I may be an asshole, and a shit friend, but I have finally found something I can have for myself and I'm not going to waste it on someone who's so blind they refuse to see that," Dazai straightened his back, "I don't care what you say. I choose Chuuya."

"Then you choose RIVALS, you have seen what I can do, but not what I'm capable of. I could ruin both of your lives," Akutagwa took a step forward, looking as if he were searching for a fight, "Are you really willing to risk that for a whore? What if he ends up killing himself just like Odasaku?"

Dazai's body jumped into action, grabbing Akutagwa swiftly by the collar, ready to connect his fist to his face when he heard the floorboards creak behind him.

"Dazai..."

Chuuya stood at the door, one hand clutched at his chest, and the other reached out towards his boyfriend. He was shivering. Was it cold outside?

"Chuuya," Dazai whispered, unsure if the sound even passed his lips. No, not here not now. He's supposed to be safe, he's not supposed to know that-

"Dazai please," Chuuya dropped his hand, "Just leave it. I don't want any more fighting."

"You don't get it, he's going to release the photos, he'll-"

"I know!" Chuuya shut his eyes, "Isn't that just how things go when you live a fucked up life like ours."

Dazai's hands shook, his grip on Akutagwa loosening, he felt the fabric of his coat slip from his fingers as Akutagwa made a sprint for the door.

At that moment, Dazai felt his world shatter into two. Akutagwa was getting away. But the look on Chuuya's face begged him to stay.

He remembered a time when he was young, watching his mother paint, her slender fingers gentle around the tip of the brush, sliding along the canvas and leaving a wake of color in its path. Her stomach was swollen with the life of a brother he knew he would never have. 'Why do you do your job if it's dangerous?' He remembers asking. His mother had smiled, leaning down to kiss his forehead. She had smelled of paint and lavender. 'Because you will do anything for the people you love. You'll get it one day.'

Dazai thought he had understood that when Atsushi was born, and maybe he did, but just like the paintings coming to life at his mother's fingertips, Dazai could finally see the full picture. He would do anything for Chuuya. Over and over again. He would do anything for the boy he loved.

"I'm sorry," Dazai heard himself whisper, "I'll be back. I promise."

Before Chuuya could object, Dazai leaned down and kissed him, kissed him like he had a hundred times, and how he planned to do a thousand times more. Dazai sighed against the familiar smell of his boyfriend. His boyfriend.

Chuuya's face was damp with tears. Silly Chuuya, always crying. There was no need to cry, everything would be okay.

✰✰✰✰✰

Chuuya watched Dazai helplessly as he caught a final fleeting glance and was gone.

Something screamed at him, ate him inside, and begged him to chase after Dazai and hold him. But his legs wouldn't move. Nor his arms. His heart beat erratically in his chest, pulsing through blood that felt thicker than honey.

He dropped to his knees.

The pain was so blinding, it felt as if his world were closing around him. A tunnel. Like black ichor.

He scraped at his chest. Trying to pry the pain from his chest.

But it felt like dying.

And maybe he was.

✰✰✰✰✰

Dazai's foot pressed against the accelerator of his car. If he could just get a little closer to that silver car. That damn fucking silver car. He could fix everything. Just a little closer.

The pain of betrayal of a friend had faded, all that was left was anger, anger at Akutagwa, anger at himself.

He saw his chance, a crossroad. Akutagwa's car had turned, exposing the side.

I would do anything for the boy I love.

He sped up. Hurtling through time.