We're Seventeen

TW: Mentions of scars, Mild descriptions of trauma, Mentions of SA

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The sudden absence of a body next to him made Chuuya awake in the early hours of the morning. His heart dropped at the thought that maybe Dazai had left even after he had said the previous night. And everything he had done. But his thoughts were quickly put to rest when he heard a retching sound from down the hallway, though the alarming noise did nothing to settle the nervousness in his stomach.

Chuuya scooped up a shirt from the floor- he was only in his boxers- and made his way to the bathroom, the door already ajar with a shirtless Dazai hunched over the toilet, coughing and puking.

"Oh shit," Chuuya knelt next to him, "Are you sick?"

Dazai lifted his head, his face pale, "No, Chuuya," He muttered groggily, a sudden sarcastic smirk on his face, "This is morning sickness, I'm pregnant."

Chuuya scoffed, "Yeah, and who's the father?"

Dazai cocked his head to the side, "Wouldn't you like to know..." He opened his mouth to say something else but was quickly stopped when he doubled back over the toilet bowl, choking.

Chuuya carefully placed a comforting hand on Dazai's back, rubbing it in slow circles, his other hand pulling Dazai's hair from his face, "You okay?"

Dazai nodded, wiping his mouth, "I think that was the last of it."

Chuuya thought back to the previous night, Dazai with his mouth on Chuuya's hips and thighs, leaving marks and kissing, putting his lips on places he thought no one would ever venture. Especially not Dazai.

"Um," Chuuya rubbed his arm, "I hope I didn't get you sick. I mean with what you did..."

Dazai shook his head, "No. Never. I probably picked it up from the party. Or maybe from being in the rain."

Chuuya scoffed, "Yet you said I would be the one getting sick."

Dazai shrugged and stood up to wash his face, leaning into Chuuya's ear, "Cute top," He whispered, running his hand briefly up Chuuya's exposed thigh.

Chuuya went red, glancing down at himself to see he had put on Dazai's shirt- which was far too oversized- with only his boxers beneath.

"You should rest," Chuuya said, flustered, "You're sick."

"Yeah, yeah," Dazai washed his mouth out, "Fuck, I feel like shit."

"Do you think you'll be okay for Monday?" Chuuya asked, it was Saturday, and school started the following Monday.

Dazai shrugged, "I hope so."

"Well my guardians think I'm over at Ranpo's so I can stay for a while," Chuuya smoothed down his shirt, "I'll get you some food, and something hot to drink."

Dazai made his way back to his room, reaching out to open the blinds. He hadn't even realized it in the chaos of his illness, but it was bucketing with rain still. The pavement outside was being pelted with fat raindrops that were puddling in the gutters. Dazai watched for a while, mesmerized.

He watched the gutters flow and flood with water, his quiet street never served for much entertainment for Dazai, he had looked out the same window for the past 17 years. A car he had never noticed before was parked across the street from him, it was silver, small, and had windows so dark Dazai could swear he could see the reflection of his own bedroom in them. The car, in all his 17 years, had never been parked there, yet it gave him this unusual feeling of familiarity.

Chuuya interrupted Dazai's thoughts as he entered the room carrying a plate of toast and a steaming mug. Dazai laid back slightly, leaning against the cool window that felt refreshing against his burning skin.

"I assumed you like jam, since that's all there was," Chuuya noted, placing down the plate and the mug, of what Dazai assumed to be some kind of tea.

"Yeah I do," Dazai replied, "Atsushi loves it too."

Dazai wished he hadn't said that because the room fell into a cold silence.

After a moment, Dazai picked up the mug, "What's in here?" He asked, attempting to change the subject.

"Uh," Chuuya shook off the cold feeling, "Chamomile. It's good for colds and stuff so..."

"Thanks," Dazai whispered, sipping at the hot tea, "You didn't have to."

"No I did," Chuuya sat down on the bed, "After everything you did for me last night."

Dazai scoffed, "Yeah such as traumatizing and betraying you."

"And you left to search for me," Chuuya insisted, "I don't think you realized how much that meant to me. Besides, you also admitted you love me and..."

Dazai smirked and raised an eyebrow, "Sucked you off?"

Chuuya's face went very red, "Yes..." He put his head in his hands, "...That."

"Was I any good?" Dazai asked, taking a bite of toast, "I mean, was it worth it?"

Chuuya hesitated, "For a first-timer, it was very good... I genuinely enjoyed it." Chuuya couldn't believe this was a genuine conversation he was having.

"How do you know it was my first time?" Dazai joked.

Chuuya laughed, "Because you're, well... I think you're straight, I mean at least you were, I'm not sure, are you?"

Dazai sighed, "I think at this point it's safe to say I'm not," The rain outside was deafening, "Chuuya, I think I'm bi."

Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Fucking finally the readers have been begging for this."

"Huh?"

Chuuya shook his head, "Nevermind. What do you think finally changed your mind?"

Dazai shrugged, "I think I've known for ages, maybe even since I fell in love with you in middle school, but I just couldn't accept it. But... I've only ever felt that way about you."Chuuya scooted around to face Dazai, "When I was in a foster home with this very Christan couple, I remember telling them in confidence that I liked boys, they told me it was a sin, and that I'd burn in hell, yet somehow that made it feel even more right. Almost as if the knowledge that I was still willing to be myself despite the fact those around me hated me, then it must be worth it at some point. Would you do that?"

Dazai blinked, "Chuuya, I would defy the world for you, whether that makes me gay or sinful, I don't care. I want you and nothing will change that. I've always wanted you."

Chuuya stared out the window dark clouds forming a wall along the horizon that dumped rain over them in angry waves. He was unsure how to respond to that, a million thoughts were running through his head. How could his 'not even if he was the last man on earth' suddenly mean so much to him? It was hard to make sense.

"This is so good," Dazai held out the last slice of toast, "Want some?"

Chuuya shook his head, "I hate jam."

"What?" Dazai laughed.

"It's too sweet," Chuuya shrugged, "Margaret and Louisa think so too."

Dazai shook his head, "You guys are crazy," And he finished the last bite of toast.

"How are you feeling?" Chuuya asked, leaning in close.

"Hot," Dazai smirked.

"Ha ha," Chuuya frowned and placed his hand on Dazai's forehead, the skin beneath it alarmingly warm, "You are burning up quite bad."

Dazai scrunched his nose, "Yeah I do feel feverish."

"I'll open a window," Chuuya leaned over Dazai, sliding open the window slightly, the cool air rushing his face.

Dazai smirked, and sliding forward, he ran his hand up the back of Chuuya's shirt, wrapping his ringers around the smooth skin on his waist and stomach.

"Dazai," Chuuya flushed, feeling Dazai pressed up behind him.

"Hmm?" Dazai hummed as he kissed the redhead's neck, pulling him back into him.

Chuuya, being very aware of the fact he was in only underwear and a shirt turned around and sat himself on Dazai's lap, "What's up with you? You're like an animal in heat."

Dazai's hands skimmed circles around Chuuya's waist, "I am in heat"

"You have a fever," Chuuya sighed, "It's not the same thing."

Dazai groaned, burying his face in Chuuya's neck, "I wanna have sex."

Chuuya laughed, "You're sick, you need rest."

"No, I don't, I need you."

Chuuya ran his hand through Dazai's hair, "We have all the time in the world now, you can have as much of me as you want later, and I'll give you all of me."

Dazai's eyes widened, "You don't have to do that. If you don't want to..."

"I do want to," Chuuya cupped Dazai's face in his palm, "God you don't understand how much I want to. Just... Not now, you have vomit breath."

Dazai laughed, "It can't be that bad can it?"

Chuuya shrugged and stood up, "I'm gonna go get you a cold cloth and some water, try and get some rest."

"Wait, Chuuya," Dazai called out just before Chuuya reached the door to his room. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, his head swimming with all the words he could say, "Does this..." He began carefully, "Make us boyfriends?"

Chuuya flinched at the word, as if it had sunk a dagger in his chest, quickly becoming oddly pale, "I'm not sure."

Alarmed at Chuuya's discomfort, Dazai attempted to stand, the dizziness in his head pushing him back to the bed, "Do you want us to be?"

Chuuya's jaw clenched, "Dazai," He took a step toward the brunette, "I want to, I do, but I'm just not sure about it yet. After everything I need some time."

"Then what does that mean for us?" Dazai kept his tone soft, not wanting to spark an argument, "What is this?" He gestured between the two of them, ignoring the hurt creeping into his voice.

"For now," Chuuya sighed, "Lovers. Because if we love each other we can't change that. But boyfriends are on a whole other level. One that I don't know if I'm ready for."

Dazai sunk back into the bed as Chuuya left the room. How could the one who was sure about his sexuality, be the one most uncomfortable with the idea of dating?

It wasn't fair to Dazai, he felt he had sacrificed everything, just to be almost rejected when he finally confessed.

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Dazai was faintly aware that he fell asleep before Chuuya came back, though he was still surprised when he woke up with a start, a low murmur of discomfort coming from the small redhead now curled at his chest.

Dazai was still for a moment, letting the stirring boy fall back to sleep, before slowly gliding his hand across his lover's face, pushing his hair from the eyelashes that twitched slightly at Dazai's touch. Dazai pulled back his hand, not wanting to wake him. He could hear the faint patter of rain outside, the sky still dark with clouds, but the rain slowed to a drizzle.

Dazai spent his time counting the freckles on Chuuya's face. 20, 30, 40.

He watched the soft curvature of his features, and his messy hair wrapped around his neck like a rope necklace digging into his throat. A noose made from licks of orange flames.

What a horrible thought.

Dazai leaned in and pressed his lips to Chuuya's forehead, "Wake up," He whispered.

Chuuya scrunched his face and groaned, "Fuck off."

"My Mom was a surrogate mother," Dazai said, with a confidence he hadn't felt in a while.

"What?" Chuuya blinked his eyes open, confusion clear across his face.

"I want to be more honest about you with my life. My mother worked as a surrogate after she had me."

Chuuya sat up slightly, intrigued, "I didn't know."

"I didn't expect you to," Dazai shrugged, "It's how she died too."

"I thought you said she committed suicide," Chuuya said carefully.

Dazai nodded, "You could say that. Something went wrong with the pregnancy, and she was given the choice to terminate it and not receive the money, or go to term with it, but that it would risk her life."

Chuuya bit down on the inside of his cheek nervously, "She... went to term with it. Didn't she? And it killed her?"

Dazai sighed shakily, it was the first time he had talked about his Mom's death openly, "Yeah. She decided it was better to let me live a life with the money it would give us than live a life with her."

"Fuck," Chuuya looked down, a sudden heavy sympathy for Dazai filling his chest, "You blame yourself. Don't you?"

Dazai wanted to kick himself when he felt tears swell in the dips of his eyes, "My Dad does, he hates me. And yeah, maybe I do too. She risked her life so that I could have one."

"In my opinion, she made a stupid fucking decision."

Dazai was taken aback, he was expecting Chuuya to go all soft on him, not this.

"Having a mother will always be more important than having money and she didn't see that," Chuuya cupped Dazai's cheek slightly, "It was her decision, you couldn't have done anything about it."

Dazai could feel his hands shaking slightly in his lap, "I know but-"

"No. It's not your fault. You were a kid, Dazai. Fuck, you still are. You can't handle it all on your own."

Dazai opened his mouth to say something more but was stopped when he choked on his tears. No one, not a single soul, had ever told him that.

"Oh, Dazai," Chuuya could feel his heart shatter at the sight of Dazai crying, "Come here." He opened his arms which Dazai fell into, savoring the feeling of someone comforting him. It was the first time in a while Dazai had ever felt truly cared for, or even truly heard.

After a couple of moments spent trying not to cry, Dazai let himself go and for the first time ever he let himself get held, he didn't feel weak when all the strength left his body and he collapsed further into Chuuya's embrace.

For the first time ever, he cried about the things he always wished he could.

"My mother went to prison for murder," Chuuya whispered, he felt as if he owed Dazai because never in his life had he thought Dazai would be this... vulnerable with him, "She killed her boyfriend to protect me. She too made a bad decision, thinking it was for the best."

Dazai sniffed, keeping his face buried in Chuuya's shirt, melting slightly as Chuuya stroked his hair gently, "Did he hurt you?"

Chuuya's eyes saddened, though Dazai wouldn't see, "Yeah. He did."

Dazai was silent, he didn't know what to say. How could someone hurt a little kid?

"Do you know what I find funny?"

Dazai rolled over, his head now in Chuuya's lap, gazing up at him, "What?"

Chuuya smiled and ran a hand through Dazai's hair, "The men in our life, have only ever intended to hurt us through malice, your Dad, my Mother's boyfriend. But the women in our lives, our mothers, have hurt us by believing their self-sacrifice would be appreciated. They both left us with the notion they were doing the right thing."

Dazai thought about it for a moment, "Yeah, I guess we have that in common."

Chuuya hummed in agreeance, "How are you feeling."

"Shit," Dazai sighed, "It feels like I'm full of sand."

"Oof," Chuuya laughed as he sat up and reached over to the bedside table where his phone was charging. It was 5 in the afternoon, "Jesus we slept for a while." Chuuya smoothed down his shirt and hair, tucking it behind his ears.

Dazai watched him in comfortable silence for a moment, noticing a small piercing scar on the lobe of the redhead's ear, "Is that code for 'I have to get home?'"

Chuuya sighed, "Probably, my guardians are probably worried."

Dazai pouted and wrapped his arms around Chuuya's waist, hugging him tightly, "I'm sure they wouldn't mind me keeping you a little longer."

"Yes they would," Chuuya laughed, "They assume every moment with you is a moment I might be having sex. Plus, I'm not sure they trust you all that much."

Dazai smirked, "What's not to trust."

"Hmm, let me think," Chuuya put on a sarcastic voice, "Maybe something in between the drug dealing and the unpredictable hooking up, that or maybe your current track record with me but who's to know?"

Dazai groaned, "This sucks. I hate being alive."

Chuuya turned around to face Dazai, "What?" He hadn't meant to hurt Dazai, "I'm sorry."

Dazai shook his apology off, "No, it's not you. I just think that everything sucks."

Chuuya relaxed slightly, "How so?"

Dazai sat up slightly, "How many foster homes have you been in."

Chuuya thought for a moment, "Too many to count."

"I have injured my body more times than I can remember, and you have been in so many foster homes. My brother's missing, you get bullied at school, I have to deal drugs to pay for the life my abusive father can't give me, and you have to deal with my bullshit as well as your mother's because apparently, our parents don't know how to do their fucking job." Dazai's voice was steady, he was trying to ignore the fact that Chuuya was watching him with a wounded interest, "Yet we are Seventeen. Seven-Fucking-Teen. I want to be by your side through everything, but everything is a lot. Yet we're only 17."

Chuuya ran his hand through Dazai's hair, "Ever since we were kids we've had to fight to stay alive. That ruined our relationship once, I won't let it happen again."

"You won't have to," Dazai whispered, he half expected Chuuya not to hear him, but he didn't care, it had to be said, "I won't let anything come between us. I'm yours."

Chuuya leaned down and pressed his lips softly to Dazai's kissing him the way a butterfly might land on a leaf.

"So please stay the night," Dazai said in a breath of air as he kissed Chuuya back.

"We'll end up having sex," Chuuya half laughed.

Dazai shook his head, "I'm not going to touch you until I can call you my boyfriend. I don't want to defile you again."

"You never defiled me," Chuuya twisted a strand of Dazai's hair in his fingertips.

"If we do anything again, I want to do it as boyfriends," Dazai ignored Chuuya, "I want to make you comfortable with me, and fucking you senseless won't do that."

Chuuya raised his eyebrows, "It might."

Dazai didn't find the joke funny, "No. I want to treat you right," Dazai slowed his speech, "You cried the first time we did it, you were distressed and... frightened. You once asked me if I knew why, and I still don't, and never will I push you to tell me, but I want to be sure that never happens again."

Chuuya pursed his lips, his body ached to cry. Shh. Keep quiet Chuuya, you wouldn't want your Mom to know about our little secret. Chuuya tried his best to purge the thought from his mind, but it flooded his brain in angry waves.

"Okay," Chuuya whispered, shaking off the feeling, "I'll stay."

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Chuuya woke in the early hours of the morning. That was not unusual for him, as the rain slowed and the first quiet rays of morning sunshine illuminated Dazai's room around him. It was strange, he hadn't remembered falling asleep, but he must've sometime during the movie that had played on Dazai's laptop. Chuuya blinked, he liked watching Dazai sleep, not in a creepy way, but in a curious way, he always loved the way Dazai's features would seem softer, calmer, almost as if all the noise in his life had quietened to a peaceful moment that had been splayed across his face.

He was distracted by his phone buzzing, a text from Louisa.

Lesbian #2: Hey buddy, I know you're enjoying yourself but I need you home to help out if you feel up to it.

Chuuya sighed and sat up, kissing Dazai's forehead, "I have to go. Sleep well and feel better." He had no idea if Dazai had heard him, but that was okay, things were different now. They were finally happy.

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A/N: Sorry for slow updates (I know I say that a lot) 

I've got some really big stuff ready for you guys.