Admit you need him

CW: Drinking and mention of drug usage.

✰✰✰✰✰

Ranpo wrapped his knuckles on the front door of Chuuya's house, bouncing on the balls of his feet until Chuuya opened the door, looking oddly tired.

"You can't be going in that," Ranpo smirked, eyeing the redhead's white shirt and jeans, "It's a party. There will be cute boys." Ranpo cooed and slipped through the door beside Chuuya.

Chuuya groaned and closed the door behind them, "Do I have to dress up?" He protested, "I haven't had much luck with boys recently."

"All the more reasons to try my dear friend," He walked confidently into Chuuya's room and promptly threw open the dresser doors. He rummaged around for a while, pulling out a pale blue shirt that Chuuya knew he hadn't worn in months. "This will suit your eyes," Ranpo beamed.

The shirt was small, tight around the waist, and would be cropped on his stomach, there were stripes of darker blue that curved up the sides and into the collar that was folded neatly over the neck.

"It's," Chuuya began, "Small."

"Exactly," Ranpo grinned, "It shows all your good features."

"Oh great," Chuuya laughed sarcastically, "I guess you want me to wear a denim skirt and fishnets with it?"

"No," Ranpo smirked, pulling out a pair of smoke-grey lowrise pants, with a sort of parachute spread at the ankle, "It will look so good, trust me."

Chuuya sighed and scooped the clothes into his arms, shutting the bathroom door behind him. He changed quickly, pulling the shirt over his head and admiring as it sat above his hips. The pants complimented the blue and made his eyes brighter. Ranpo was right, it did look good. He slipped a set of silver rings on and a chain necklace on his neck. Letting his hair fall down his neck. He never wore anything besides his jeans and sweaters with the occasional t-shirt, so wearing something this bold was unusual for him.

When he went back into his room, he noticed Ranpo crosslegged on the bed, scowling down at his phone.

"He's hot right?" He flipped around his phone to show a boy their age standing in front of a mirror, shirtless, pulling down the hem of his pants to show his hip bones.

"Ew Ranpo," Chuuya laughed and covered his eyes, "I don't wanna see that."

"Whatttt?" Ranpo whined, "I just wanna know if I'm getting way in over my head or not. He's like, cute, but not hot, I think." Ranpo furrowed his brow, ignoring Chuuya's mocking laugh, "He's got a nice body, he's not ripped but he's not skinny, well like, ugly skinny."

"I don't think I know what ugly skinny is," Chuuya dropped down on the bed next to him, "Is that the guy you met at the party? The one who goes to my school?"

Ranpo nodded, "Poe. He's sweet, but like, I'm confused."

"Confused about what?" Chuuya asked, turning to face his friend.

"Well, it's like- okay," He faced Chuuya, "When you look at me, and be honest, do you see a top or a bottom?"

Chuuya scoffed, "I see an idiot."

"No this is serious," Ranpo laughed.

"Well I uh, have never really thought about it," Chuuya began, "But I'd say, maybe a bottom."

Ranpo groaned and put his head in his hands, "That's the issue, I think he's a bottom too."

"Oh." Chuuya refrained from laughing, "Have you two ever..."

Ranpo shook his head, "I mean he went down on me which was, wow, but that's as far as we've gotten."

"Then ask him," Chuuya answered.

Ranpos's face scrunched, "Ew, I can't ask that, it's so embarrassing."

"Then what do you want?"

"I'm..." Ranpo thought, "Not sure. I guess I just want him happy."

Chuuya shrugged, "I assume he wants the same thing. You'll figure it out when the time comes."

Ranpo rubbed his temple, "Yeah okay. Makeup," He said suddenly, "You need makeup."

Chuuya shrugged, "It's in my desk drawer."

Ranpo got up and opened up the top drawer, finding only stationary, he went to the next one down, and opening it up he raised an eyebrow and smirked at the lube and condoms that were stationed in that drawer. Ranpo looked up to a very red-faced Chuuya who looked down and quietly muttered, "It's in the next drawer down."

Ranpo laughed and closed the drawer, he was back in seconds with the makeup, sitting cross-legged in the bed, "Well I guess I won't need to give you any blush since you're already bright red."

Chuuya put his head in his hand and laughed awkwardly, "Oh my God, shut up."

"Does this mean you're back to talking to that fling you had," Ranpo asked, pulling out an assortment of cosmetics from the black bag.

Chuuya looked up and blinked, "Kind of. Maybe."

"Maybe?" Ranpo asked, holding up an eyeshadow pallet, "So that means yes."

"Well..." Chuuya held still as Ranpo carefully applied eyeshadow to his eyes, "I kind of slept with him the other night."

Ranpo almost dropped the makeup brush he had poised, "You WHAT?!"

"We didn't have sex we just-"

"You said you had blocked all contact with him! You said you hadn't even seen him." Ranpo shook his head.

"Look," Chuuya began, "I didn't even mean to, I just ran into him."

"And the next thing you know you're sleeping in his fucking bed," Ranpo laughed sarcastically, "How on Earth did you manage that?"

Chuuya shrugged, "He had no one. I had to help him."

"And what about you?" Ranpo narrowed his eyes, "What has he ever done for you."

Chuuya opened his mouth to speak but was silenced when Ranpo raised his hand.

"Other than stealing your virginity," He added.

Chuuya flushed and shut his mouth, lowering his head shamefully.

Ranpo reached out and lifted his chin to apply more makeup to his face, "You are so smart, Chuuya, and so beautiful, don't let people like that drag you down."

Chuuya sighed, "Well you're gonna hate me."

Ranpo cocked his eyebrow, "Why's that?"

"Because I invited him along to the party," He smiled slowly, "He'll be there."

Ranpo thrust away the makeup brush dramatically and rolled his eyes, "Jesus Christ, Chuuya-"

"Look I don't know what I'm supposed to do. When was the last time your nemesis turned out to be this hot psycho with a mysterious past and big di-"

"Ew ew, no stop," Ranpo covered his ears, "I get it."

Chuuya sighed, "Am I done?"

"If you mean are you done for? Then the answer my friend is yes."

Chuuya rolled his eyes, "Is the makeup finished."

"Oh yeah, you look amazing," Ranpo smiled.

"Great," He got up and held out his hand to his friend, "Now let's forget my life is entirely fucked and party till we pass."

✰✰✰✰✰

Miraculously, Dazai's car managed to start. He hadn't used it in a month and had half expected it to have kicked the can by now. He threw his black rucksack in the back seat watching it carefully in the rearview mirror as it sat dormant on the fabric seat like a looming cloud. He shook off the feeling and pressed down on the accelerator, still managing to find the thrill as the old car pulled out of the driveway.

It wasn't far by car to the address Chuuya had given him, but by the time he got there, the party was in full swing, partygoers already spilling onto the front lawn, laughing and drinking. The house was located in the wealthy suburbs, it stood 3 stories tall with a rolling lawn and tall gates where kids were loitering, waiting for friends, lovers, or even just trying to fit in with the flow of traffic idly walking towards the front doors of the house. Everyone was dressed up for the occasion in bright and extravagant clothes, though it didn't make Dazai feel at all ashamed of his jeans and sneakers.

He found a free space and parked his car, pulling his backpack from the back and locking the car behind him. He took leaping steps up to the verandah and scanned the crowd for Chuuya. With no luck he turned and made his way into the bustling entrance of the manor, as he called it because he had never been anywhere this sophisticated. The high ceilings glistened with chandeliers letting off incandescent light that mixed with the flashing colors that painted the walls. The walls as such were decorated with embezzled murals framed in gold and, Dazai could only assume, the frames themselves cost almost as much as the painting in question.

Streamers were adorned over every surface, mixing with the moving feet on the mahogany wood that was scuffed and worn with age. People clamored in close through the entrance, talking as they dispersed through the crowd and into the various rooms. Dazai continued moving through the crowd, passing a velvet-lined staircase that led up to the other levels, people already draped drunk over the padded stairs, leaning over the railing and watching the rest of the party-goers.

Dazai was taller than most at the party, he could partially see over the crowd, but not enough, so he doubled back to the stairs, sitting halfway up them until he could see everyone. He scanned the bustling mess of teenagers, not quite sure what he was looking for.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Dazai," A sharp monotone voice.

He looked behind him and standing a step above him was Akutagwa.

"Aku," Dazai looked him up and down, he was in an ankle-length cloak that was jet black and pulled over a white dress shirt, "You looked dressed up."

"I had to blend in," He muttered without a flicker of emotion, "I see you didn't do the same."

Dazai looked down at his scuffed sneakers and shrugged, "I look handsome regardless."

"The buyers are ready," He stated, ignoring the brunette's comment."Uh yeah," Dazai turned his head, scanning the crowd once more, "Two secs."

"'Two secs?' Dazai, this is a now-or-never opportunity, there's no such thing as 'Two secs.'"

"I know I just..." Dazai trailed off as he saw a flash of red and blue moving through the crowd, "I'll be right back."

Dazai lept off the stairs, ignoring Akutagawa's shouts of disapproval, attempting to call him back. Dazai collided with the surge of people again, pushing his way past everyone until the room opened up, he glanced around flicking his eyes over to the large snack table that stretched from one end of the dining room to the other, there, standing with his arms crossed over his chest and his feet planted uncomfortably to the floor, was Chuuya.

Dazai had to blink a couple of times to be even sure it was Chuuya, he wasn't in his usual attire, he was... taller? Almost, whether that be because of the black platform boots, or the long parachute pants making his legs seem longer or the cropped shirt elevating his torso. Dazai fought with everything he had not to stare at the strip of pale stomach showing beneath the shirt.

He hesitated a moment, picking at his fingernail for a while before his feet moved him forward until he stood in front of Chuuya, the redhead glancing up in surprise as, despite the platform boots, Chuuya still came up short of Dazai. Chuuya blinked and mindlessly held up Dazai's jacket, he didn't look at Dazai, just gazed quietly downwards.

Dazai smiled and took the jacket, "I'd assume it hung below your knees. Would probably double as a dressing gown."

The joke pulled a smile to Chuuya's face, his eyes lighting up even brighter with the sparkle of silver eyeshadow.

"There we go," Dazai smirked, "I was wondering when you'd lighten up."

"Chuuya!" A short brunette, though still taller than Chuuya jogged up behind them.

"Ranpo," Chuuya grinned, "This is Dazai."

Ranpo's eyes narrowed as he scowled slightly "I see. Well I got us drinks, sorry whats-your-name but you'll have to get your own," He said to Dazai.

Dazai blinked, "Yeah okay." He excused himself and made his way towards the drinks table, the crowd having dispersed and eased into a gentle bustle of people. As he walked through he heard several whispers of conversations about the return of RIVALS for the coming year. Per tradition, RIVALS was temporarily postponed during the holidays, but it had recently come under new management due to an inside disagreement, this has sparked huge rumors and controversy that Dazai couldn't seem to care less about. To him RIVALS was nothing more than a talent-quest for who can be the biggest asshole, for him, and many others, it had only caused problems.

Dazai poured himself a generous drink, promising himself that this would be his only drink of the night, with everything going on it was best to keep a clear head.

"For fucks sake, Dazai," Someone was behind him, "Don't run off like that. Today is important."

Dazai turned around and was met with Akutagawa's scowling face, "Yeah," He muttered glancing over at Chuuya laughing as Ranpo chatted away, "It is." He began to walk towards them when Akutagawa grabbed his arm.

"Look, I know you're having a fun time with your new friend, and even if he's not a 'friend', I don't mind, I just want you to realize this matters more, this is the opportunity we have been waiting for."

"I know," Dazai sighed, "I just can't screw this up any more than I already have."

"There's more to lose on the line, Dazai," Akutagawa gripped his arm tighter, "There's also more to gain. Don't you need the money?"

"I do, but I also need..." Dazai trailed off.

"Go on," Akutagawa urged sourly, "Admit that you need him. Admit that you finally want something in your life."

"Fuck. You." Dazai tugged his arm free.

Not another word was said as he walked off.

"Woah," Ranpo laughed, "Who tugged on your ego?"

Dazai shook his head, "It's nothing."

"Are you okay?" Chuuya raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Dazai smiled, "I'm fine." He sipped from his cup, the bitter liquor burning as it slipped down his throat.

✰✰✰✰✰

Beer pong was a rudimentary party activity; At least that's what Dazai had told Chuuya before dragging him over to the rowdy group of teenagers shouting as they played the game.

"No please, I suck at party games," Chuuya complained as he was dragged forward.

"All the more reason to try," Dazai shrugged in reply.

Chuuya scoffed, "You just want to laugh at me."

"Maybe," Dazai smirked.

Turns out, Chuuya was half right, although the team of two lost the game, and Chuuya did indeed suck at it, he at least managed to get the hang of it after a while. But the two were now drunk, to say the least, and it was clear that Dazai had forgotten his 'one drink rule' judging by the way he stumbled towards Chuuya when the game was over.

"Did we win?" He mumbled.

Chuuya laughed, "No idiot, we did not."

Dazai groaned, "You suck."

Chuuya nodded, bemused by seeing Dazai drunk for the first time.

"Okay hot head, let's get you some air," Chuuya laughed as he guided Dazai through the crowd of people.

"How are you so sober?" He asked, "Didn't you drink as much as me?"

Chuuya guided him up the stairs onto the second level.

"Not nearly," He led him up another flight of stairs after seeing how crowded it was, "You were throwing them back like there was no tomorrow."

Dazai groaned, "I'm so screwed."

"That's why I'm taking you away from everyone," Chuuya said, steering him towards a set of grand balcony doors, "So you can clear your head."

It was cooler outside than inside, the sky setting into the horizon, reflecting pinks and reds across the high windows of the balcony that overlooked the rolling lawns.

"There we go," Chuuya smiled, "Nice view and everything. Just don't stumble blindly over the side, I don't feel like scraping your insides off the pavement."

"Awww" Dazai attempted a disappointed look.

"I'm serious," Chuuya scowled.

"Alright," Dazai raised his hands, "I'll behave."

Chuuya looked out over the balcony at the setting sun, the sky resembling burning embers of pink.

"Pink sky at night," Chuuya muttered, "Shepherds delight."

"Huh?" Dazai looked at him confused.

"You've never heard that saying?"

Dazai shook his head.

"Pink sky at night, shepherds delight. Pink sky in the morning, Shepherds warning," He leaned against the pillar railing, "My Mom taught me it, basically it means that if the sky is pink at night, the following weather will be good, if it's pink in the morning, the weather is bad."

Dazai thought for a moment, "That can't be true."

Chuuya shrugged, "Maybe, but it's a good thought."

"Is it though? Seems pretty negative to me."

Chuuya raised an eyebrow, "How so?"

"I mean, you see a pretty sky in the morning and are preemptively disappointed by the fact it'll rain." Dazai stated, his words slurring, "Wouldn't it be more positive just to appreciate the sunrise itself."

"Not necessarily, what if you like the rain?"

Dazai shrugged, "Then I guess the saying only proves that mankind has a bad perception of what 'bad weather' is. After all, rain gives as much life as the sun does, it just depends on how you see it."

"Why do you get so allegorical when you're drunk."

"What do you mean? I'm always like this."

Chuuya laughed.

"What does that even mean," Dazai asked, "Allegorical."

Chuuya thought for a minute, "Poetic."

"Then why didn't you just say that."

Chuuya shrugged, "My Mom always told me that poetry is the language art speaks, I try to imagine talking that way."

Dazai nodded slowly, "Your Mom was pretty philosophical for a drug addict."

Laughing, Chuuya said, "She wasn't a bad person, the drugs were bad."

"You loved her?" Dazai asked carefully.

"Yeah," He whispered, "I really did."

"But you don't now?"

Chuuya shrugged, "I won't forgive her for what she did, but after all, she is my Mom."

"And what did she do?" Dazai chose his words carefully, trying not to take advantage of the small amount of vulnerability Chuuya was showing.

Chuuya sighed and ran his hands over the banister, "She risked everything we had on something stupid."

"Like," Dazai muttered, "Gambling?"

Chuuya shrugged, "Kind of, it got her sent away for a while. To prison. Let's just say there is no chance of her ever being my Mom again."

"She's in prison?" Dazai blinked, grateful that Chuuya was finally opening up, he had always seemed so closed up, as if he held everything he had to deal with buried deep inside him.

"No not currently," Chuuya's eyes were fixed on the horizon, "Last I heard she was out, her sentence ended sooner than expected but that's not necessarily a good thing. From what I can gather she's flying solo." Chuuya finally looked at Dazai, "She called me that night, did I tell you? The night I got drunk and you came over. She needed money, said some bad people were after her- debt collectors, I'd assume- and she needed me to bail her out."

"And..." Dazai asked slowly, "Did you?"

Chuuya was quiet for a moment, watching the treeline darken with the setting sun, "No. I was done being her savior. For all I know she's dead in some ditch."

"Fuck," Dazai whispered softly, "Chuuya..." And despite every nerve in his body telling him not to, he wrapped his arm around the redhead's shoulder, pulling him close and cradling him in his arms. Chuuya softened into his embrace as if a hug was all he ever needed, and Dazai could only assume that was true.

"Someday," Chuuya whispered into Dazai's shoulder, "I'm going to get away from everything. I'll be 18 in a couple of months, I'll be out of foster care. I can forget everyone and everything and leave America for good."

"Where would you go?"

"I have no idea," Chuuya muttered thoughtfully, "As far as possible, wherever my money will take me."

"There are people who need you here."

Chuuya chuckled, "Like who?"

"Margaret and Louisa, Ranpo too." And me. Dazai wanted to add.

"There's more reason to run away than to stay."

✰✰✰✰✰

Dazai made some lame excuse about needing to go to the restroom to slip away from Chuuya on the balcony. He'd already made up his mind half an hour ago, and there was no stopping him now.

He took the stairs down two steps at a time, texting Akutagawa as he went.

Dazai: Where do I meet you?

Aku: Finally decided to show?

Dazai: Cut the bs. What room?

Aku: Second floor, third room on your left.

Dazai followed the directions and ended up by the door, gripping at his black rucksack as he hesitated.

Chuuya. He had nothing left other than that kid. He was doing this for Chuuya.

When he opened the door he was met with Akutagawa's scowling face.

"Why the hell didn't you show up earlier?" He whispered with a sneer.

Dazai glanced behind his friend and saw a group of people sitting on couches around the room, they looked a little older than Dazai, possibly College students.

"Mind your business Aku, this doesn't concern you."

Akutagawa pursed his lips, "Fine. But you're welcome for setting this all up."

Dazai sighed and dropped his rucksack to the ground, unzipping it and tipping out hundreds of small plastic packages that tumbled to the ground.

The group leered in Dazai's direction, suddenly interested.

Dazai flicked one of the packages with his foot towards the closest person, a burly man about twice Dazai's size.

"This is the purest shit you'll get around here," He looked up at the man confidently, "I expect nothing but the best."

✰✰✰✰✰

It turns out, that the saying was wrong. At least that's what Chuuya assumed as he watched storm clouds form in swarms over the horizon, blocking out the vibrant sunset and darkening the sky from twilight to dusk.

He ducked inside the moment he felt a drip of rain slip down his back.

Standing inside, he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered rain began to drizzle, listening to the shouts as party-goers ran inside for cover. Chuuya kicked at the carpet, getting tired of waiting for Dazai.

There was no way that man took this much time to go to the bathroom.

He decided that now was the time to search for Dazai, since Chuuya felt somewhat responsible for him, especially when drunk.

Chuuya started by scanning each floor, every hallway, he even got to asking around but to no avail, no one had seen Dazai.

Chuuya was beginning to get worried, surely Dazai was fine, right? He's old enough to take care of himself. But despite himself he began to imagine Dazai bleeding, crying out for Chuuya just like he had when his brother went missing.

Chuuya started opening doors. He knew it was risky since this was a high school party and people were very likely to make out in vacant rooms. Or worse.

Chuuya made it to the second floor, apologizing as he caught a younger couple passionately kissing in one of the studies.

He heard muffled voices behind one of the doors, hesitating before pushing it open, the voices instantly ceasing.

"Oh sorry I-" Chuuya stopped short. Spread on the floor were piles of money and bags of powder, pills, and other things Chuuya didn't want to name as it hurt the back of his throat.

"Chuuya..."

The redhead raised his eyes to meet Dazai's, shallow and dark, barely blinking through the shock and hurt before he turned and sprinted out of the room.

✰✰✰✰✰

Chuuya never paid attention to the weather. It wasn't as if he never knew it was sunny, or cloudy, or windy, that much he knew. But he had never once realized the intensity of rain. The way it pummelled the back of his neck, dripping ice down his spine. He didn't shiver, his teeth didn't even chatter, but he felt cold to the bone.

He kept his eyes fixed on his feet, trudging one foot in front of the other. Soaked to the bone, he could almost kick himself for not wearing a jacket. He had this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, like the mantle of the earth was falling around him, but he was perfectly still.

Behind him, he heard the low hum of an engine and could see the headlights casting shadows on the ground in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the car slow at his side and he was half aware that he was still in a cropped shirt now soaked over his skin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and kept his head down, praying for the car to go away.

The car horn blared loudly, twice.

Chuuya squeezed his eyes shut and kept walking wishing he could shrink away into nothing.

"Chuuya," A familiar voice, "Come on, it's not safe out here."

"Go away, Dazai," Chuuya shivered.

"Get in, let's talk," Dazai reasoned, leaning out the window of his red Pontiac.

"Fuck off."

Dazai pulled the car to a stop and got out, blinking through the rain."Get away from me!" Chuuya shouted, ducking away from him.

"Chuuya," Dazai said softly, "It's cold. Let me take you home."

"I don't want to go with you!" He took a step back, pulling his arms tighter around himself, "You're a fucking asshole! I trusted you!"

"I had my reasons, you wouldn't understand," Dazai shook his head.

"You're right I wouldn't," Chuuya said bitterly, "Because you don't talk to me, Dazai, I know nothing."

"Then I'll talk," Dazai pleaded, "Just get in the car, please."

"Talk here and now. Or I'm leaving."

Chuuya glared, his eyes flared with tears as his hands twitched at his sides, he wanted nothing more than to punch Dazai in his stupid face.

"I can explain everything, I just need you to calm down." Dazai moved closer to Chuuya slowly.

"I am not going to fucking calm down, Dazai!" Chuuya pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, "I want you so much it hurts. But I am so done with your bullshit!"

"I want you too!" Dazai snapped, "Fuck, Chuuya, every moment with you is a struggle not to rip you to pieces. But I'm a fucking mess and an asshole, and I wish I could be everything to you as you are to me but the world doesn't work that way. You are the first thing I have ever wanted for myself," Dazai was breathing heavily, his hair soaking in the rain, "And I'd be kidding myself if I said that you aren't the best thing that has ever happened to me."

He stepped forward quicker than Chuuya could duck away and swept him into his arms.

"I'm done pretending I don't need you," Dazai had one hand placed on the small of his back and the other behind his neck, tilting Chuuya's head up to look at him, his eyes shining. He moved his hand up, cupping Chuuya's cheek, he was unsure whether the redhead was crying, or if it was just the rain dripping down the curve of his face.

Chuuya shivered, he was freezing, but the warm hands on him felt familiar. He desperately wanted to sink into them and never leave.

For the first time, he didn't have to stand on his tippy-toes to kiss Dazai.

And for the first time, he kissed Dazai knowing he would kiss back.

✰✰✰✰✰

A/N:Sorry guys for taking forever to post. I have no excuse other than me struggling with motivation.

This chapter was long, but I hope it was worth it.