Hallway of lies

Ellie Goulding- Still Falling For You, Witty Lowry- Into Your Arms Tonight, Nathan Wagner- Don't forget me

The moment I got undressed, I felt ten times lighter! The dress has been suffocating me this whole night! I bring my black hoodie over my head and pull it down my body. It feels comforting having something warm around me. I manage to put on my dark washed blue jeans but what I wanted the most is getting back into my white air ones. I stand up, feeling all the painful spots on my feet. There is nothing quite like getting out of those! I hold them high up in my hand. Indeed, beauty is painful! I say to myself as I set them down on the floor, next to the sofa.

The dark green sofa calls for my touch. I found my fingers travelling from the soft velvet to my laid out dress that served me for the night. There have been so many dresses, suits, jumpsuits, I couldn't even number them if I wanted to!

I smile to myself before I take one last look around this place. Yes, I always work on other locations but the feeling is always the same. It is hard to bring all of this together! It makes you irritated, annoyed, angry. This job is all of that, but what made me love it in the first place is the empty feeling at the end. Yes, I might be a lunatic but there is something about exhaustion, the weakness that gets to you and all that madness that was here two hours ago. When I get to see the empty tables, roses still standing up in the centre of each one, it brings me peace knowing that someone enjoyed sitting there, eating that food that took so long to get right, listening to that music that was so hard to arrange.

I find myself peaceful once again, breathing deeply, making me sane. I walk out of there, for the last time, feeling that even if I mess everything else up, I still did something right.

Just as I sit in my car, I turn around and once again realize that I have nowhere to go. The bags are filled with the clothes that I bought as soon as I came back here. I've been living in this hotel for two weeks but what now? I quit my job so staying here is not an option.

I don't even have any more clothes to wear and I'm not about to spend any more money on more new clothes! All that my mind tries to avoid right now is the fact that I have to go home.

'Why?' I pull on my hair in frustration and lie my head on the steering wheel.

'Okay!' I bring myself back up, pull the hair back removing it from my face. I have to face it, like it or not, I have no other options.

I sigh loudly as I start the car and make my way to hell! I mean home. Same!

I start to feel sick at once. God! My body is basically screaming for help. I've been neglecting it all this time. I haven't even eaten but right now I think that I'm about to puke real bad.

I park the car and get out as quickly as possible. The cold air helped a bit and my sickness got easier to deal with. The warm smell of baked goods reaches my nostrils as my stomach starts rumbling. I look up and realize that I parked right in front of a bakery which looks very appealing right now. I lock the car and get in letting all the senses get through.

I still feel sick so I ask if there is a restroom for me to use. They show me the way but they kind of look at me weirdly? I let the water run a bit as I put some of it on my neck and my cheeks. It feels so good, my whole body feels hot and tense but my face looks scary as fuck! I'm paler than those fucking white walls around me. I put my hair in a low ponytail and get out of there before I start feeling dizzy again.

'What can I get you, miss?' The boy is quite tall and his eyes seem so dark compared to Nialls. Well, I guess that everyone's eyes seem darker than his. Why am I even thinking about him right now?

I give him the money and turn around after I hardly gave him a smile, it is the best that I can pol off right now. I swing open the door and just let the cold air wake me up a bit as soon as it stings my cheeks.

I feel dizzy again and stop for a second to take some deep breaths before I get back on the road. I continue to walk but the whole sidewalk seems so foggy, what is going on?

Someone runs into me making me lose balance.

'Be careful geez!' I say and manage to stand still trying to see who I've hit.

'You again!' He says and I can immediately feel the tension building up.

I move my feet, trying to walk past him as soon as possible but my body does not want to cooperate! My feet start to tingle as my eyes stay open but my vision is nowhere to be found.

Zayn reaches for my hand as support, helping me to stay on my feet. Even if I lost myself there for a second, soon enough I get back my senses and push his hand off of my arm.

'You don't have to waste your superman skills on me!' He rolls his eyes and smiles at me. Does he really think that this is funny?

'You-' I try to say something to him to make him leave but everything seems so dark and slow. I lose my balance, but the only thing I recall seeing is his hands reaching for my falling body that once again gave up on me. I hear the cars driving past us in a hurry and the leaves on the trees above us singing as the wind moves them in harmony.

*3 hours later*

I try to open my eyes slowly but the light isn't doing me any justice!

'Hey, can you hear me?' I can hear a voice but it doesn't seem familiar to me.

I try my best and gradually but slowly open my eyes. What the fuck is he doing here?

'Why are you here?' I ask him and pull myself up. But the better question is where am I?

'I will take that as a "Thank you for bringing me to the ER when I collapsed on the street".' His smirk pisses me off!

He is still such a pain in the ass but I know that I'm being so stupid.

'I'm sorry, thank you, you shouldn't have I know you have some better things to do than to drive strangers to the hospital.! I say and look at him but this time with regret in my eyes.

'I mean yeah I suppose I could have left you just lying there taking a nap, but I thought you know what if she dies how could I forgive myself?' I smile at him and roll my eyes as he actually laughs as well. Okay wow, something new!

'I'm Eleanor by the way.' I say and he laughs at me. What did I say?

'I know, you are Niall's friend.' I think that my facial expression says way too much to him.

'Good you are up! How are you feeling?' The doctor walks in and I have even forgotten that I collapsed as soon as Zayn mentioned his name.

'I'm good, thank you.' I say and Zayn stands up making room for him to stand by me.

'In your state dizziness is normal, you might feel some morning sickness but it will go away eventually.' Yeah, it will when I get a good night's sleep and eat a proper meal!

'Yeah I know I haven't gotten enough rest in the past couple of days.' I say but then the doctor smiles at me?

'You should, a night of good sleep is very important in pregnancy.' His words bounce back about a hundred times and I think that this is some kind of joke that they use, right?

'But I'm not pregnant.' I pull myself up and sit straight as he gives me a confused look.

'You didn't know? You are 5 weeks pregnant. Congratulations!' He says and turns to Zayn.

'Oh no, I'm not the.. the father.' He says and the doctor apologizes before leaving us alone.

I can feel the tears building up and I can't help it. Now I do feel like I'm about to throw up. What the actual fuck? I got to get my act together! I wipe away the tears that almost went down my cheeks. I straighten my hair down before searching around for my phone. I have to deal with this!

'Hey, are you okay?' Zayn sits back down next to me and takes my hand in his.

'Why wouldn't I be?' I look at him as if there is something that is supposed to bother me?

'I know that this is not my business to ask you this, but do you have a boyfriend or you know..' He hesitates as he tries to find a polite way to ask about the father but as soon as that question got to me, I remembered the way he referred to me as Niall's friend. If he is comfortable enough to connect me with his friend, he might tell him. I can't let that happen this way.

'There is no need for a father if there is no child, to begin with.' I stay still, my face remains blank as those words leave my mouth leaving him speechless.

I move my hand away from his, before standing up. I don't have time for bullshit like this!

'Wait...what?' He stands behind me, totally confused with my sudden change of heart. 'You can't make that kind of decision on your own!' I smile to myself before turning away to face all the judgment that one can hold for me.

'Trust me, he doesn't want any of this either.' I walk past him as if I hadn't collapsed today.

'Eleanor!' I hear him yelling after me as I leave the room. I hesitate for a second but then stop. I take a deep breath before facing him.

'You could never know unless you tell him.' Who does he think he is? 'He has the right to know, it's only fair.' Fair? How on earth could any of this be fair? I can feel my chest getting hot, too much anger starts building up as my hands start to shake. I tighten my fists as a way of controlling my anger, trying to act calm.

'Don't lecture me about my life! If I survived on my own, there is no one that could my decisions depend on!' I turn around, not leaving him a second to even answer. I make my way to the doctor's office. I should settle the date as soon as possible.

The nurse leads me inside, opening the big white doors which lead into the place where lives get destroyed, saved, take it as you like.

'Miss Eleanor, you already feel better?' I sit my ass down and just smile at him, not even sure why but I would like to smack that son of a bitch once and for all. God do I hate doctors!

'Let's settle the date!' I cross my legs as he sits down at his desk as well.

'Well, Miss you can't really decide that on your own, after several checkups we will settle your due date.' I look out the window as I search for the right words. The right ones that wouldn't make him look at me as an assassin.

'I'd like to settle for abortion!' He stops for a second, I feel as if the time stopped as well. I keep my blank face on and just try controlling my temper.

'Miss, you can't decide on that now...you found out today. Give yourself time to-' I stand up immediately. I have known that they wouldn't let me decide today but still, I had to try.

'Time for what? For that child to grow? Don't be silly, I'll end this by the end of the week. If you don't want to do it I'll find another clinic!' I stand there for about a minute, making sure that he won't change his mind. Well, I've seen enough.

I close the doors behind me and just walk down this fucking hallway of lies, fake hope and nauseating pain!

'I have to go, my mother will be furious if I don't come home, where's my car?' I barge into the room where Zayn was left standing, waiting. I almost made myself laugh with that one!

'It's still on the parking lot. I will take you there.' My mind is not even focused on his words, all I want to do is run the fuck out and get some fresh air because right now I feel as if I'm suffocating.

I want to answer, to say that I'll go alone but talking seems impossible. I feel as if I'm drowning as if my tongue has been cut off. I try moving the hoodie from my neck, trying to get the airflow open but I fail.

I can hear Zayn's steps in the distance as he follows still trying to annoy me even more.

They gave me my papers, belongings and all the stuff that they said has faded. I don't remember a thing the nurse said to me right now, or how many people I passed while walking down the hallway. I can feel my throat getting tighter as the hallways become longer.

As soon as the entry slides open, I find myself outside, hoping to feel relieved but it didn't quite do the job.

'You feeling okay?' He comes rushing back to me. I feel warm, too warm. I can feel arms around my neck struggling me, making the airflow smaller and smaller. I try to catch my breath but nothing. I try breathing in and out, but nothing helps! Tears just start rushing down and a crack in my voice comes as a needle that burst my bubble making me breathe again.

'Shit!' I scream and throw my phone over the parking lot. Zayn holds back and just looks at me. I put him in such an uncomfortable situation, fuck!

'I can't go back in!' I haven't even realized the subtle raindrops soaking my hair! Zayn comes to me and takes me into his arms. He holds me tight as I try to pull back. I don't want this! I don't need help, because I'm not in that state, okay? 'I can't take any more of this!' I bring my fist to my chest as it starts to ache. His hand presses my head to his chest as he gives his all to hold me still.

My body didn't catch on from the beginning but stepping into this hospital after everything, brings it all back so clearly.

*The walls look the same as in any other hospital. They are dirty white and the smell is not different than it ever was. The smell of chemicals and medicaments that are not supposed to be felt in your nostrils fulfil this whole place making my stomach sick!

The ICU is separated from the rest of the hospital. I stand in front of those Big white doors and wait for them to let me in. I can hear a beep as a sign to enter.

The smell stayed the same but the temperature dropped like 10 degrees, or maybe that's just me? The hallway is short and on each side, there are 5 rooms with people that are generally in a better state than those behind the glass wall at the end of the hall. I don't have the information about the right room, but yet somehow, I know it's there.

I look at those 4 people, everyone has about 10 machines surrounding them, calculating their heartbeat, pressure, and all other functions of their bodies. They all look the same, helpless, lying there in their beds, only God knows if their soul is still here with us. My body didn't acknowledge the person that I was here for, but my heart started beating again, once it came here. I thought that I would never be so grateful and feel such a pleasure of feeling your heartbeat.

I knew that that time would come, the time that I would have to look up and just face it. Her skin is pale, almost lightly blue. A white sheet is neatly spread over her body as her arms lie by her sides, fully uncovered.

The nurse pulls the blue suit over my arms, over my shoulders and ties it on the back. She handles the cap and I pull my hair back, securing it from falling down.

'You can see her now.' She opens the doors and waits for me to go in.

I find the skin on my arms getting colder every minute, my breath feels harsher as my sight becomes blurrier. I want to say so many things, I want to lie down next to her, hug her, feel her soft hands and just stay here with her.

Up until that very moment, when the alarm went off on the machine, I didn't know how I felt about this. I thought nothing was happening and that everyone would be okay after a day or two. Why can't I say to her that I'm mad that she hasn't texted me back, or called me? Why can't I tease her and make her hug me right now when I want her to? Why can't I reach out and touch her when she is right here in front of me?*

The only thing is can hear is that fucking alarm in my head, replaying over and over again. I try covering my ears but I know it won't help. Zayn's hands are still holding onto my arms, somehow keeping me in place.

This is the state we find ourselves in, just because we don't accept the cruelty that life can cause. We look past it, fooling ourselves, colouring our dark thoughts into something bright. Or if you are like me, tieing a blindfold tightly over my eyes! So tightly that it might leave me bleeding but I would much rather suffer than see the truth.

I keep on changing the story every day and can't seem to find peace with it still. It takes time because I post only when I'm satisfied with the plot. I hope you understand!

Regardless, I'll always be thankful for you!

If you have any suggestions or if you would just want to discuss the story, feel free to message me. It might help me too.

I love you, but you already know that.

xx