52 - SELFISHNESS

[ SELFISHNESS ]

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The commotion outside was too hard to ignore. When Sayah and the others went outside the office, her eyes spotted him first in the crowd, blue eyes locked on hers, lips parted, hair neatly brushed back. He was alive, and so was she, thanks to him.

   He furrowed his brows, confused and she nodded at him, simple, short, enough for him to know. I'm okay. It'll be okay. She watched his chest rise and fall, and then her eyes shifted to beside him, where Emori stood, clutching onto his arm. She gave him one last glance before she looked away.

   "Jaha!" A man in the crowd called out, a young child in his arms. "What's happening?"

   Skaikru had been pushed and rushed into the room from the warriors in the other clans. People were confused, scared, and in need of answers. "That's everyone." A voice called out. "Close the doors." And with that, the doors were closed by some clan warriors. People didn't hesitate to rush over and bang against them.

   "Jaha, you wanna speak up?" Sayah called out to him as he stood on the other side of Bellamy. "Or are you happy for them to use your head as a battering ram?" She remarked, eyes serious. "Look at them, they deserve the truth."

   "Three out of four of these people are going to die tonight," Jaha replied, telling not only Sayah, but Bellamy and Clarke too. "Still think you made the right choice?"

   "You act like you've never made the decision before." Sayah snapped back. Jaha narrowed his eyes. "I've heard stories, Chancellor." She drawled.

   Jaha was left speechless.

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   "Hi." Sayah inhaled sharply, pursing her lips.

"Are you serious? Don't just. . ." Murphy didn't finish before he was embracing her tightly in his arms. She held him back just as quickly, burying her face into the crook of his neck, breathing him in. "I thought— God—"

She rubbed his back soothingly. "It's fine, I'm fine." She pulled away, giving him a weak smile. "I'm glad you're okay."

Murphy stared down at her softly, before he let out a tiny scoff, a small smirk forming on his face. "You're an idiot."

Sayah reeled back, frowning. "Excuse me?"

Murphy tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Don't ever try to sacrifice yourself for me—or anyone ever again. Sayah, you scared the hell out of me." His voice went quiet. "You just. . ."

"It seemed like the only option at the time," She reminded him. "I'm. . . I'm not sorry." She admitted. "I'd do it again."

"I don't think that's what you should've replied with." His hands fell down to her waist, resting there comfortably. Sayah ignored the familiar feeling in her stomach.

"Yeah, well, can't always get what we want." Sayah hummed, eyes drifting from his facial hair to his eyes. "Are you mad at me?"

Murphy's grip tightened on her waist. "No." He replied gently. "Although I thought you were avoiding me, when in reality, you were up there," He gestured to the ceiling of the small room they were in, "Dying from radiation. Sounds fun." He drawled, pausing for a moment. His brows pulled together tightly as he glanced down. "Clarke lied to me," He pursed his lips. "Told me you were safe, but avoiding me."

"I was a little." Sayah shrugged.

Murphy's brows raised and a small smile played on his lips. "Really?" He drawled. "Wow. You wound me."

Sayah let a quiet laugh fall from her lips, and she stepped back out of his arms. She ignored how his smile fell a little. "Is Emori okay?" She questioned, crossing her arms over her chest as she grew serious again.

"Yeah," He replied before he took a step closer to her, voice going quiet. Sayah felt a small tinge of nervousness spread throughout her body at his close proximity, but she ignored it as Murphy cleared his throat. "She said she heard that there's only 100 beds for Skaikru. Is that true?"

"All the other clans get 100 beds as well," Sayah nodded slowly. "It's only fair."

Murphy let out a sigh of defeat, rubbing his nose before he looked back at her, eyes tired. "How are they doing it?" But before Sayah could answer, he let out a dry laugh. "Wait, no, Jaha is with them—I'm sure he'll figure out a way." He rolled his eyes.

"Bellamy and Clarke are going after Raven, she's on the island." Sayah sighed, pausing. "I'm going with them." She informed him.

Murphy furrowed his brows. "What? Sayah—"

"It's part of the reason I wanted to see you." Sayah cut him off. "I gotta go now, get a suit on with Bell and Clarke. I just wanted to see you before I left."

Murphy stared at her, eyes gentle, and he shook his head. "Emori and I are coming with." He stated.

"What?" Sayah questioned, eyes widening. "No. No, we're not doing this—"

"Listen to us," Murphy took a step closer, "Back and forth." He shook his head, eyes down, a smirk forming as he slowly slipped his hands into hers. "We're crazy, aren't we?"

"You're crazy, John Murphy." Sayah corrected. "And I have to leave, now." She squeezed his hand once before brushing past him, but he held on.

"We're coming." He concluded. "No getting out of it."

Sayah knew there was a reason they were both coming. If it really was to make sure she was safe, then he wouldn't have to bring Emori. But Emori was coming, so there was something else going on. "Good luck with convincing Bellamy and Clarke."

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"Am I late?" Sayah asked as she entered the room. Abby stood with Clarke while Bellamy was on the far side—both of them already in their suits. "Oh, I am late."

She walked in, Murphy and Emori trailing behind her. Clarke and Bellamy paused at the sight, sending Sayah confused looks. Sayah shrugged.

"You got room for two more?" Murphy questioned.

"Murphy, what are you doing here?" Bellamy questioned him, eyes drifting between Sayah and him.

"Go on," Sayah gestured to Clarke and Bellamy, eyes on Murphy. "Convince them." She turned to put on a radiation suit.

She didn't want Murphy to come. Although yes, if they died it'd be together—how romantic—but he should stay here, live, get his name drawn in the lottery, survive (even if that meant with Emori). He didn't have to come. And Sayah knew that he knew he didn't have to—there was a reason he was coming with Emori, and it wasn't just for Raven. Or just for her. There had to be something else going on, she just knew it.

"We heard you were going after Raven." Murphy explained. "We just wanna help."

"I've been to that island dozens of times. No one knows the water better than me." Emori spoke up.

Sayah glanced between Clarke and Bellamy, as she grabbed a helmet, waiting for their responses. There was silence, until Murphy spoke up again. "Maybe it'll help our chances if we bring home the chosen ones." He remarked. Sayah rolled her eyes, hiding her amusement.

"There's a lottery." Abby spoke up. "I'll make sure your name is in it." She nodded. Sayah glanced over at Murphy, knowing what his response would be.

"And Emori?" He questioned, eyes flickering to Sayah for a second. Sayah clenched her jaw, looking away. She knew he'd want her too—which was fair. She was his best friend, after all.

There was a moment of silence. "I'll do the best I can." Abby replied, and Sayah watched as Emori and Murphy shared a look.

"We have to go." Sayah cleared her throat. "Radiation won't wait for us."

And so they did, making their way to the bunker door and heading back up into the city of Polis. "This way," Clarke announced, nodding to Sayah. Sayah followed behind, Emori trailing her.

"What's your plan, Emori?" Sayah asked the girl, eyes glancing over to her for a moment. "I'm not stupid. You and John are up to something, I just wish to know what it is." She turned to face her, stopping the girl from going any further.

"If you were meant to know," Emori replied, annoyed, "John would've told you, wouldn't he?" She brushed past Sayah, making sure to barge her shoulder with her own on the way past. Sayah tightened her jaw, clenching her fists at her side before she let out a dry chuckle.

"Maybe I should have just let them test you." She muttered angrily under her breath, turning back to catch up.

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Sayah was starting to think that maybe she should've swapped with Clarke and rode shotgun with Bellamy.

   Emori and Murphy sat in the back of the truck with her, the silence so loud that it probably would be seeping through the walls of the truck. Sayah's eyes had to stay staring at the other side of the truck wall to control the urge to glare at where Emori sat dangerously close to Murphy.

   She knew what she was doing. And she knew how much Sayah hated it. But Sayah couldn't do anything—Murphy and her weren't together—there was no need to get overprotective. To get jealous, however? There was no option in the matter. She couldn't control that—it just grew, twisted and turned in her stomach, and she felt sick. So sick.

   "So," She wasn't holding back. "I've had some time to think about it, and. . . my prediction is the bunker. Makes sense, y'know, John," She glanced over at him. "You know where to go, you know the place well. Emori," She shifted her gaze. "Well, you'll just follow him." She laughed. "Although, really, it'd just be to your own deaths, because you wouldn't last five months, let alone five years."

   "Sayah—" Murphy began.

   "No," Sayah hummed. "No, I think I'm tired of you lying." She shook her head. "You could've told me you were worried about Emori getting tested, and I could've helped you, but instead you lied and let us kill Baylis—who wasn't actually Baylis—and now this. You want to help? Isn't that what you said to Abby?"

   "I want to survive." He admitted.

   "Then let me keep you safe." Sayah snapped back. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she spoke quietly. "I'll get you a spot in the bunker, okay—I will do that for you."

   "But not for Emori." Murphy shook his head. "Right? Because she doesn't matter to you."

   "Not like she does to you, no." Sayah agreed without hesitation. "I care about you." She paused. "And you care about her. I understand that." Sayah let out a shaky breath. "Look, maybe it's selfish of me, and it probably is, because when it comes to you, all I can be is selfish." She pursed her lips. "But I want you to live."

   This was what Sayah meant when she broke up with John Murphy. She was scared of this—scared of dropping everything for him, not caring about the consequences, not caring about who it hurt.

   She'd let Emori die, if it meant John Murphy would live. She'd let herself die if it meant John Murphy would live.

   "What do you want me to do, John?" Sayah asked, voice shaky. "You want me to let you die in that bunker?" She paused, laughing dryly. "I suppose it doesn't matter though, does it? As long as you two have each other."

   A moment of silence. The truck bounced gently. "He wanted you to come with us." Emori spoke up quietly.

   Sayah's eyes snapped to Murphy, lips parting. He stared at her, swallowing hard. "So, what do you say?" He asked her and his voice was so broken, so pained, the way it was when he was holding back tears.

   Everything was so. . . blurred. Mixed. Messy. Like a painting that had several lines of colours, and someone had come along and wiped their hand along it, mixing them all and creating a strange sort of sweep of all different colours. Smeared them all together messily. Make a choice.

   Maybe she was selfish. Maybe she didn't care about anything else except John Murphy. But she wanted to live. And she wanted him to live. But now, John Murphy came with an extra package, one he wouldn't give up. She told herself long ago, that she had to get used to it, accept the fact that she wasn't all he had anymore, he'd met someone else, and he cared for them too now. Sure, it was different to how he cared for Sayah, but it still had him tightly coiled, stuck in place. Make a choice. What would she do? What was she meant to do? Go with them and die in the bunker?

   Maybe even from the moment they had met, they were doomed. They were enemies, and you don't grow close to your enemy, you don't fall for the enemy—it didn't work like that. That had been her first warning—don't grow close to him. Not only is he the enemy, he'll become much, much more. Did she listen? No. No, how could she? How could she when he looked at her like that, and was so different, so unlike anyone she had ever met before?

   Her love for him had suffocated her once more, and she wasn't even close to him, she couldn't even reach him fromwhere she sat. Make a choice. Too hard, too difficult.

   Die with him or live without him. Any lovestruck fool would find that easy enough. She was ready to die with him, but what if now. . . what if now she didn't want either of them to die? But she had to make a choice.

   How could he do this? Throw such a hard choice on her without hesitation? No, it's not his fault. Isn't it? She didn't know. She didn't know anything. Was this how love worked?

   She glanced over to Emori, then back to Murphy, who looked at her the same way he always did, but more desperately. Make a choice. But before she could answer, the truck was swerving, she was tilting, tilting, then there was an erupt stop. They had hit something. Great driving skills again from Bellamy Blake.

   "Sayah, you okay?" Murphy reached over, placing a hand on her arm gently.

   "Fine," She replied, swallowing nervously. "Are you? Emori?"

   "I'm okay." Emori replied quickly before Murphy nodded. "We're okay."

   Murphy and Sayah shared a long look before Sayah heard shouts, she turned to see three men running towards the truck. "Incoming!"

   The three men clutched onto the latch at the back of the truck before pulling it open. Sayah didn't hesitate, rushing forward to send a harsh kick to one's head. A grunt was heard before she was grabbed by the ankle and pulled out and onto the snow. She landed, winded, but rolled out of the way when two hands went to grab her helmet.

   Panting, she got up, sending a punch to the man in front of her, before pulling off another that attacked Murphy. "They want our suits!" It was Emori, who was struggling with her attacker on the ground.

   Sayah turned to her as Murphy struggled with another, moving quickly to grab the man who towered over her and pulling him into a headlock. Where's my sword when I need it? The man choked and struggled, clawing at Sayah's arms.

   Then he began to lean forward, trying to flip her. "You think I don't know that one?" She growled, squeezing tighter and trying to keep as much of her weight down to the ground as she could. She kicked the back of his knee, hard, causing him to fall to his knees. Just as the man tried to flip her once more, an arrow flew straight into his chest. Sayah's eyes widened, and she let him fall to the snow. Looking up, she watched as someone approached on their horse—that was obviously feeling the effects of the radiation by the red burns—sending two more arrows flying past Sayah.

   Then the archer jumped off their horse, sending one more and then throwing a knife into the back of another.

   "Wouldn't happen to have a spare sword, would you?" Sayah called out to the archer, but they didn't reply, only unsheathed their own and brought down two more attackers. Sayah let out an annoyed huff.

   The archer pulled dow their mask, revealing Echo. Sayah hummed in surprise. "Funny seeing you here."

   "There might be more of them. We should get going." Echo stated.

   "Echo, what are you doing here?" Bellamy asked the girl as he stood beside a panting Clarke. Them too, had their fair share of attackers.

   "I know about your bunker on the island." She panted. "I just saved your lives. I'm hoping you will return the favour."

   There was silence for a moment and Sayah and Murphy sent each other a look. They would be talking later, again, but it would be needed; definitely needed. If they even survived, that is.

   "Unless, we can find another ride," Bellamy sighed, glancing at the truck. "No one's making it to that island."

   "Fantastic." Sayah sighed deeply.

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   "Monty, do you read me? Over." Bellamy was pacing as he tried to get in contact with Monty on the walkie. Sayah sat on the edge of the truck, beside Echo, who struggled with her suit.

"Here," Clarke approached her, helping her with the suit. "This suit will prevent you from getting worse. It's the best we can do right now. You'll get used to it."

"Roan banished me." Echo admitted, eyes flickering to Sayah then back to Clarke.

"I heard." Clarke replied.

"I was only trying to save my people," Echo told her. "Is that so wrong?"

Before Clarke could reply however, there was a sound of static on the radio before a voice spoke up. "Bellamy, come in. Do you read me?"

"Yes, Monty." Bellamy replied quickly. "I read you. Where are you?"

"Two clicks outside of Polis. Almost there." He replied. "Everything okay?"

"Not exactly." Bellamy sighed. "Look, Monty, I hate to ask you this, but we broke down on the way to the island to get Raven. We need you to come reel us in."

There was a moment of silence before Monty's voice crackled back through the radio. "We're on our way. Tell us exactly where you are."

Sayah let a small smile form. "What would we do without Monty Green?" She mumbled under her breath.

Suddenly, Emori began to cough and choke in her suit. Blood fell from her lips. Murphy moved to her quickly, "No, no, no. Hey, hey, Clarke—"

Clarke rushed over, checking Emori's face. "You've been exposed."

"How's that possible? She's wearing a suit." Murphy asked.

"There has to be rip or something." Sayah shook her head. "If it was the suits, we'd all be feeling it. Clarke, check her." And so Clarke did, while Murphy looked back at Sayah, something unrecognisable in his eyes.

"She's right." Clarke breathed out. "The seal of her helmet's torn."

"Can you fix it?" Emori panted.

"We just need tape, that's all." Murphy reassured her. "It's gonna be fine."

"We don't have any tools or weapons." Clarke shook her head.

"So, we give her the extra suit then!" Murphy snapped, watching as Emori leaned down and coughed up more blood.

"We don't have another suit—" Bellamy began.

"Yes, we do!" Murphy yelled back, and Sayah's eyes fell on Echo just as Murphy's did. "Take it off, now."

"I saved your life." Echo reminded him.

Sayah glanced between them, knowing if Murphy wanted that suit for Emori, he'd take it. Hell, he would do the same if it was her coughing up blood, and she would do it for him. Try to, at least. Maybe Bellamy would get in the way, or maybe Clarke would—

"What were you gonna do if we didn't get attacked, huh?" Murphy questioned her. "I mean, you guys seriously think she was following us out of the kindness of her own heart?" He scoffed. "No, she was gonna attack us the second that we stopped. Give me the suit—" He went to approach her but Bellamy got in his way, pushing him back.

"Murphy—Murphy, no!"

"What?" Murphy snapped.

"Look." Bellamy pulled him away. "You cut that suit, and it saves no one."

"I'm not letting her die." Murphy told him sternly. And Sayah believed him.

"You're a pain in the ass, John Murphy." Sayah spoke up, getting everyone's attention. She grabbed onto her own helmet, and slipped it off. "Give her mine."

"Sayah, what the hell are you doing?" Bellamy asked her.

"Don't play the big brother role, big brother." Sayah grinned at him. She looked over to Murphy. "Murphy," The word slipped out of her mouth and she paused for a moment, eyes locked on his. I hate it when you call me by my last name. He had onee said to her. "Take my helmet—"

"No." Clarke shook her head. "I have a better idea." She took off her own and gave it to Murphy. Then she walked back over to a shocked Sayah and helped her put her own back on. Well, last time I try to be the hero.

"Once again, you never let me sacrifice myself." Sayah shook her head at the girl as Clarke fiddled with the helmet.

"Well, what can I say?" Clarke replied. "Maybe I'd like you to be alive if we're ever gonna kiss again." The words made Sayah let out a laugh, one that caught everyone's attention and she pursed her lips to cease it. Clarke sent her a grin, controlling her own laughter.

"Clarke, the radiation—" Bellamy appeared beside Clarke, voice serious; like usual.

"I have nightblood."

"Untested nightblood."

"We're testing it now." She shot back.

Before Bellamy could argue back, however, Monty's voice came through the walkie again. "Bellamy, you there? Come in."

   "Yeah, we're here." Bellamy replied, anxious eyes on Clarke. "Head northeast from Polis, and Monty," He paused, "Drive fast."

   After a few moments, everyone separated. Sayah hesitantly followed after Clarke and Bellamy while Emori and Murphy stayed together. She didn't know when Murphy and her would talk, only that they had to, and that they didn't have much time. She watched as he crouched down in front of Emori who sat in the snow.

   Her and Clarke approached Bellamy's side. "We have to talk about it." Clarke began.

   "Missed the window." Bellamy replied. "Continue on to the island, we won't make it back."

   Sayah turned back to Murphy and Emori for a moment. "What about them?" She questioned.

   "Do we just save ourselves?" Clarke asked. Sayah frowned, if she was going anywhere, Murphy was coming with her. She wouldn't have it any other way. She couldn't.

   "Look, if nightblood works, we need to get you to Polis," Bellamy told Clarke. "Them, too. We pull in as many people as we can before the death wave hits. If your Mom can make us all nightbloods, we only need to stay down there until it passes. We can still save everyone."

   A pause. "Just not Raven." Clarke stated. Bellamy didn't reply, and Sayah found herself looking back over to Murphy and Emori again.

   Suddenly, two bright headlights shined onto the trio. It was Monty in the rover. He and Harper got out of the vehicle, the couple approaching them quickly. "We got here as fast as we could." Monty told them. "Clarke, you're exposed." He rushed towards her. "Come on, let's get you into the rover."

   "No, Monty. I'm fine." Clarke reassured him.

   "I'll grab the extra helmet." Harper nodded, rushing back to the rover.

   "Guys, come on." Murphy called from behind them, approaching them with a tired-looking Emori beside him. "Planet ain't getting any less irradiated." He remarked as he passed them. Sayah met his eyes for just a moment.

   "Bell—" Sayah turned to Bellamy but he was already nodding.

   "I've got Echo," He reassured. "Just get in the rover."

   "Bossy," Sayah drawled before turning to Clarke, who began to cough up blood. Sayah's eyes widened.

   "The helmet doesn't match so I brought the whole suit." Harper returned back with a box, passing it to Monty. He took it as Harper helped take Echo into the rover.

   "Clarke, you need to put on the suit." Monty told her. "It. . . it was for Jasper. At least now it'll do some good."

   Sayah's lips parted. "Jazz is. . ." She stared over at Monty, disbelief in her tone. Monty nodded sadly, eyes falling to the ground. He had lost his best friend; his brother. She knew how that felt. Sayah let out a shaky breath, before she pursed her lips, turning to Clarke. "Clarke."

   "You should put it on." Monty urged. "Jasper would want you to. If we're still gonna make it to the island, we better—"

   "We're not going to the island." Bellamy cut him off.

   "Yes we are." Clarke suddenly said, realisation in her tone.

   "Clarke—" Bellamy began.

   "Nightblood doesn't work." Clarke told him.

   "We don't know that yet." Bellamy argued. "Luna got sick before she got better." The name had Sayah deflating a little, but she listened on anyway.

   "Even if you're right, they won't let us all into the bunker if I'm still sick." Clarke explained. "It took days for Luna's resistance to kick in, and by that time, the death wave will already be here and all our friends will be dead. Are you okay with that?"

   "You know I'm not." Bellamy replied. "Clarke, unless I am missing something, there is no other way for all of us to survive."

   "What if there is?" Clarke asked him, and Sayah furrowed her brows.

   "You're being cryptic again, Clarke." Sayah told her. "What's the plan?"

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   "What are you doing here?" Raven Reyes asked them all as they took off their radiation helmets.

   "We're not leaving you behind." Bellamy replied as he descended down the stairs.

   "Plus," Sayah added as she followed after him. "We all know you're the favourite, Reyes." She grinned at the girl as Bellamy gave her a hug.

   "But there's no time to get back." Raven furrowed her brows.

   "We're not going back." Clarke explained to the girl. "We're going up."

   "Oh, don't look so surprised," Murphy drawled as Raven's eyes fell on him. "It was all your crazy idea to begin with."

   "Space?" Raven asked them all. "But we don't have enough fuel to get down."

   "Sounds like a five-year problem to me." Harper replied.

   "You're talking about the ring." Raven realised. Clarke nodded.

   "Seems like a shame to let a good rocket go to waste." Bellamy remarked.

   "How do we live?"

   "They left a water reclamator there, and we know that go-sci has an algae farm. We just get those two things up and running, and we have food and water."

   "Algae salads and recycled urine." Murphy remarked. "Sign me up."

   "Better than dying." Emori replied, and Sayah for once found herself agreeing with the girl.

   "Yeah, you say that now." Murphy turned to her.

   "Alright, slow down." Raven spoke up. "Breathing's important, too. What's the plan for oxygen?

   "Based on what Murphy says about the lighthouse bunker," Monty began. "I'm guessing—make that praying—there's an oxygenator there. We take it with us, you hook it up, Bob's your uncle."

   Sayah furrowed her brows, meeting Murphy's eyes, confused. He pursed his lips before nodding, I'll tell you later.

   "You're an engineer, Monty." Raven replied, arms crossed over her chest. "You do know there's about a thousand things wrong with that plan, right?"

   Monty nodded. "Yes, and every one of them kills us."

   "Comforting." Sayah grimaced.

   "Of course," Monty continued. "Staying here will kill us too, so. . ."

   "Raven," Bellamy called out to her. Raven turned to his voice. "We need you to get us off the ground before the death wave hits. What do you say? Can you do it?"

   Raven, inhaling deeply, looked around at everyone in the room before making her way towards the screen that showcased the radiation. "What do I say?" She repeated, glancing over to the rocket. "I say that death wave can kiss my ass."

   "Good." Clarke nodded. "It's settled, then. We're going back to the Ark."

   "Call me a Skygirl." Sayah hummed, sharing a look of amusement with Murphy. The corner of his lips quirked up at her words.

   They were going to space. They were going to the stars.

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a/n

zoo we mama

anyways sayah n murphy NEED to talk. cuz we been knew they both got stuff to say

also i kinda sorta really dislike this chapter. idk. :/

^ therapist: so you n murphy are taking a break?sayah: yeah but its hard....therapist: why?sayah: