Chapter 47

161004

***

It's already 8 in the evening and Star is still in their two-storey house that serves as their dorm. She's lying on her bed, already dressed for the meeting with Ten. But she did not go. She's still uncertain.

Sudden questions came out from her mind, like, "Why is he asking for a time to talk to me? What else does he has to say? Why is he back again?"

She squeezed her eyes and stood.

"I'm one hour late. He must be at home already." She said to herself. She's about to change her clothes when she felt like going.

Something is pulling her there. She looked for her beige cloak and put it on. It's still winter that day, but the coldness is not biting anymore. She sighed before she finally went out of her room.

"Where are you going?" Sara asked her then sipped on her cup of hot choco.

"Han River, eonnie. I'll be meeting a friend."

"But it's already 8." Hyoah said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No need. I can manage. Thanks anyway, eonnie." She smiled at her. "Is Jez eonnie already asleep?"

"Ne. Take care, Star." Sara said then waved at her.

She's being cared a lot in the group. She's the maknae, and it's strange for her. She's one of the eldest way back in SM and a noona to Chanwoo. She's just thankful to have eonnies taking care of her.

She went out of the house and walked for two minutes to where the taxis are. She rode one of them and headed to Han River.

On her way, droplets of rain showered to the window of the car. She worried that Ten might still be there and might get wet. She took two deep breaths and asked the driver to hurry a little. She licked her dry lips and rubbed her hands to heat up her cold hands.

After almost ten minutes, she finally arrived at Hangang. It's still drizzling but it didn't bother her. She wore the hood of her cloak and walked near the river.

There are no signs of Ten, neither a single person. They might have looked for a shed to hide from the drizzle. She sighed and bit her lower lip in disappointment.

"He should've waited like those in the dramas who look martyrs for waiting their loved one even under the rain." She whispered. Her breath is visible like a smoke because of the temperature.

She stayed there, wandering around, not being bothered by the light rain. She once again started a monologue while watching the raindrops fall on her palm.

"What if he still loves me and he's about to confess? What if he has an explanation or he wants an explanation from me about everything? What if he's going to give a sincere apology about what happened before? What if he wants me back?" She lowered her head, "So many 'what ifs'. What if I'm wrong?" She squeezed her eyes shut, "I want him back anyway." She said finally and honestly to herself that she kept for months. Tears leaked from her closed eyes but she immediately wiped those. "Ten, please come back here. I want to see you. I will explain everything. I miss you. I'm sorry. Ten, please, hear me." She said while looking around. She continued chanting them until she lost hope.

She silently strolled there, not knowing where she is walking. Her mind is preoccupied with the things that she wants to say.

She reminisced her memories with him. The date in Namsan, the padlock with "10 ♡ ☆" written and drawn on it, their moments on the rooftop, the day when Star got punished for sleeping in class but she's with Ten, the day when they confessed, the day when she first saw him.

She also remembered the day when she finally decided to leave him for their good, her struggles when choosing the right thing to do, the day when she broke up with him, the day when he said he doesn't want to see her anymore, and the moment when he cried in her front because of thr pain she caused. All of them flashed back in her mind.

She started crying along with the drizzle that became stronger. The real rain is starting. She looked up and let the raindrops drop on her face. She watched those fall down from the dark sky until a black umbrella covered her. She looked at the person holding it and she felt relieved to see Ten.

**

They are silently sitting on the chairs outside a convenience store. The rain finally stopped. They were silent since they came there, not even doing any movements. They're sitting beside each other, facing the same direction. Her wet cloak is on the table. Ten is wearing a mouth mask to avoid being recognized. Star doesn't need it. She's still unknown to most of the people.

Star sighed and cleared her throat, "I'm not sorry for making you wait here for more than an hour." She said. Ten did not respond, "What do you want us to talk about anyway?"

He just replied with a sigh then he lowered his head. He bit his lower lip and waited for her to speak again.

"If you have nothing to say..."

"Don't go." He said, holding her hand. He's shaking in nervousness. His heart is pounding and he's barely breathing.

She removed his hand, "Then speak." Star wanted to tell what she had thought earlier but now, she cannot. She lost her courage.

Ten opened his mouth then closed it again. He gulped and sighed then stood, "I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I... I forgot what I have to say. Uhm, I can just call a taxi for you. I'll be paying."

Star looked up at Ten, "I don't want to. I want to be with you." She said in her mind.

She sighed and spoke, "Sit down." He hesitated at first but he followed then. She took a deep breath before continuing, "More than a year ago..." she paused for a while, "Way back my first trainee days in SM, I'm having a hard time with you. You're the ache to my head, the cut to my nerve, and the bad to my mood."

"Sorry." He commented.

"Once, I almost got kicked out because of a misunderstanding. We were stuck in the middle of a crowd. To get rid of them, you called me your girlfriend and we left them in shock. That spread around social media and reached Sejoon-ssi. I was scolded. I worried a lot about myself and my career. I insisted that it was your fault and that I did nothing bad."

Ten attentively listened, waiting for her to speak again. They are just facing the same direction. He removed his mouth mask to breathe. They're not looking at each other.

Star continued, "After that, the threat of being kicked out came again. But this time, it's definitely different. Before, I didn't care if you'll be expelled. The next time, I worried a lot about you. It was when we were still together." She whispered the latter part and lowered her head, "From the very start, I knew my feelings will put me into harm. When two of the trainees got kicked out for dating, I started having dilemma of what should I do about us. Should I continue dating you or should I stop already? If we'll continue, we will be enjoying each other's company, but our careers are at risk. To save it and our dreams, we have to stop. During those times, I thought, even before you met me and ever since you were a kid, you already wanted to be an artist. It is your first love. It is your dream. And it also became the dream of your family, friends and fans. It will be defered if we will continue our relationship. Once they find out about our secret relationship, we will be sued and expelled. We will be bashed. We might lose our dreams. I don't want that to happen, Ten. I know you will feel lonely once your dream got screwed up. Not only you, but also your family, friends and fans. It's horrible."

She started feeling pain same as Ten.

"Sejoon-ssi talked to me and he knew about us. He said we can be both expelled. I begged to him to spare you. He offered me to stay, but we have to separate." She sobbed, remembering that moment, "So I finally decided to break up with you. You cried and that hurt me big time. You're not letting me go, so I... I forced myself to lie. I know you will be mad at me, but I just accepted it. It's causing me pain, but I still did. At least, your future is more guaranteed than before."

She wiped her tears and smiled bitterly, "I am so happy to see you debut in NCT U. You worked hard for it. You kept having supports from the fans. I'm so happy for you. And seeing you enjoying the stage made me feel satisfied. The pain is worth it, I think." She sniffed, "But I was badly hurt when you said you don't want to see me anymore. When you asked me to never come back. That... you don't need my existence. I... I felt... worthless." She started sobbing. She covered and sealed her mouth to stop herself from making any sound. She's crying so hard and she can't stop.

"Star..." Ten said then held her shoulder. Star shook her head.

"I'm sorry for saying that I didn't love you, Ten. I'm so sorry for making you mad. It's a damn lie. I deserve the hell for it." She said in the middle of her sobs.

Ten pulled her near him and hugged her while silently crying. He hushed and tapped her shoulders continuously. He's not saying any word.

Star faced Ten, "I understand if you're not believing me. I definitely ruined your trust, I know. But..." she sobbed and spoke hurriedly, "I'm sincerely sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Or if you still can't, uhm, at least know that I'm really sorry. You may still be holding a grudge against me but please, look at my side..."

Ten stopped her through shutting her lips with his thumb.

"Are you carrying that burden all this time?"

Star stared at him first before nodding. She lowered her head and sobbed.

"You are probably in pain whenever you remember my last words to you, am I right?" Ten said.

Star gripped her shirt and whispered, "I'm very sorry for making you mad." She said.

Ten sighed in disbelief and shook his head. He hugged Star, "I caused you a lot of pain yet you're the one being so sorry. Star, don't be, please." He cried along with her. "I know everything after you left. Yuta told those things to me and that hit me hard."

Star pulled out from the hug and looked directly on his eyes, "You knew?"

Ten nodded, "I'm in the middle of our promotions that's why I can't do anything that time. I knew you're badly hurt, but I can't go to you. So I asked Yuta to do it instead and help you. Since then, he's reporting me everything you did and talked about." He sighed, "I didn't know you were hurting like that until now."

"Are you mad at me?" She asked innocently in the middle of her sobs.

"Before, I was mad at you until Yuta cleared it to me. I was fine until today. I became mad at myself since your first sob tonight." He held her hand, "I must be the one sorry for making you feel that way. I'm so sorry, Han Cheonsa." Then he kneeled in her front.

Star was shocked to see him kneeling in her front. "What are you doing? Stand up!" She said while pulling him up to stand.

"I'm so sorry, Star." He whispered between his sobs.

Star looked around. Good thing no one is in there. She reached for Ten's mouth mask on the table and put it on him. "Stand up first and sit." She commanded and he followed.

They sat quietly there for a minute before Star spoke, "I see. We both feel sorry for what we have done. We both made mistakes that we regret all this time. We both suffered in pain and loneliness." She said then looked at him. He's looking at her too.

He hooked his mouth mask under his chin, "Right." He nodded, "You know, I have already forgiven you since Day 1 without you."

"I do not think that what you said before is something to be sorry about. I deserve it. You were mad at me that time, and I know you're hurting a lot. I understand."

"But you were hurt badly."

"You were hurt badly too."

They stared at each other for some seconds.

"Let's just forget them." She said, "They're already done. They're already in the past." Then she smiled faintly.

Ten agreed, "Yes. What is important is the present."

Star nodded, "How do you feel?"

"I feel relieved. It's like the world was suddenly enlightened." He smiled.

"That's the same smile I know." She said in a low voice.

"That's the same angelic, innocent face I know." He said. They smiled and laughed. "One more thing, Star."

"Hm?"

"I just want you to know that... I never stopped loving you."

Star felt her heart raced. She felt overwhelming emotions. She felt her blood rising up to her face. Her cheeks started to turn red.

"Ten..."

"I know you still love me. Coming from Yuta's stories. But I still want to hear it coming from you." He said with a foolish smile.

"You're still full of yourself." She said while shaking her head.

"C'mon. Tell it." He said with great anticipation.

"Yeah right. I still love you, Chittaphon."

***