Chapter 5 - Never Let Me Go

Elena POV 12/27 11:00am-11:00pm

My eyes flutter open and I recognize my room, the brightness filling it. Rubbing my head, I try to remember the night before. As I collect my thoughts, I walk over to my window. I know what happened last night, Damon died. Damon Salvatore was dead. I knew what happened, but I couldn't accept it. Grief wracked my body with pain as the first teardrop was about to fall. As the despair consumed me, I fell to the floor and wept. It felt as though this sadness would never end. The doorknob turned and Caroline and Bonnie came in. Bonnie sat on the floor next to me while Caroline sat on the window bench right above me.

"Elena, I'm sorry," Caroline's apology rang through the silent room as I stared off into space, "I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I didn't realize just how much you cared for him." Silence filled the room for a few minutes until I spoke up.

"I've lost so many people," I whispered, "and each time, I feel this hole in my heart. All these people, I cared for or loved, but this... This is different. I feel like- like it's not the same," my breathing is choppy as I try to keep my composure, "It's not like I've lost someone I've loved, it's like..." I trial off, looking down and squeezing the tears in my eyes, "It's like I've lost part of myself."

Bonnie and Caroline sit in silence, and I can tell they're hurting as well. They may not have been the biggest fan, especially Caroline, but Damon was still their friend. He had saved both of them several times, and they know how much I loved him. Or at least they did now. They try talking to me, bringing up conversations or finding ways to distract me from him, but it doesn't work. I'm so miserable sitting here thinking about him. I stand up without warning and startle the two of them. Caroline jumps up.

"Elena? Are you okay??" She sounds worried about me. I turn to her and nod.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go on a walk alone." Caroline looks at Bonnie as if urging her to say something. Bonnie speaks up.

"Ar-Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?" Her voice is laced with concern, but I give them a weak smile.

"I'll be fine. I promise." With that, I braid my hair, put on a long-sleeve dress with a belt and boots, and walk out the door. Heading down the steps, I hear Caroline whispering to Bonnie. She's worried about leaving me alone in 'my state.' Worried she will change her mind and try to stop me, I run out the door and head to the woods. After running for a couple of minutes, I slow my pace to a stroll and look around. The sun is streaming through the trees and glistening off the dew covered leaves. The cool December air chills my skin, but it doesn't bother me. The woods are so silent, I can hear the leaves rustle under the feet of small animals, but nothing else. I don't hear anything, I don't feel anything. It's like I'm in an empty space, a void of time. Making the mistake of letting the thought of Damon cross my mind, all my memories flood back in and suddenly the tears flood down as well. I grab a tree and lean against it, letting all of my grief escape. But as much as I cry and as much as I scream, the grief doesn't seem to drain. The sadness and pain tries to envelope my being and it won't release me from its chokehold as much as I surrender to it. I just want it to stop. This pain- it needs to go away! But it won't. It won't leave me alone. I break part of a tree off and throw it across the forest with a scream. I bury my face in my hands and run the fingers through my hair, falling to the ground.

After what seems to be forever, I finally stand. Still feeling nothing but pain and emptiness, I leave the woods and just walk. It doesn't matter where I'm going or when I get there, I just need to move. I'm so tired of crying, why can't I be strong. It's just like Katherine said, everyone thinks I'm the innocent victim when, in reality, I'm the reason everyone dies. My feet shuffle forward to my unknown destination and I never look up until I recognize the path beneath them. My eyes shift up and I see where I'm at. The Salvatore's. As much as I hesitate, I continue forward into the large mansion. Stefan is still at the lake house with Damon's body. His cold, lifeless body. I walk through the hallway where we first met, or technically the second time, and then into the parlor. The fireplace where we danced is cold and dark, no burning embers or sparks. I feel so overwhelmed, I can't deal with it anymore. I rush over to the bar and grab a bottle of bourbon; I don't care how much I hate it, I need something to take away all of this grief. I empty nearly 2 bottles of hard liquor carry one with me as I stumble up the stairs to Damon's room. The sheets remain white and clean and the rest of the room seems untouched. I let my fingers lightly brush along the bed as I lay down on. Laying on my side, I close my eyes. As much as I try to sleep, however, it avoids me.

I give up and shoot up, rushing out of the room and out of the house. The sun is setting to the west as I make my way into town. Music plays through the streets from the Mystic Grill as I stumble in. I head over to the bar and see Matt bussing it. My phone vibrates in my pocket like it has been for the last several hours, but I continue to ignore it. Taking a seat on a barstool, I lay my head on the bar and try to block out the excessive sounds around me. Matt comes over to me and grabs my shoulder.

"Elena, are you okay?" His voice implies that he knows I'm not so I continue to keep my head down, feeling another surge of sobs coming. "Elena," He gets me to lift my face and sees the streaks of mascara down my face and the fresh tears starting to fall, "Elena, hey. Let's get you out of here." He tries to help me up, but I nearly fall. He holds me steady and looks me in the eyes, "You're drunk." I let my eyes fall to the ground as he picks me up and carries me out, whispering to his boss as we left. I could've heard what he said if I wanted, but I didn't. I didn't want to hear. I didn't care.

I whispered in his ear as he carried me, mumbling words of regret and pain. "He's really gone. He's not coming back, he left. He promised me he'd never leave," My voice broken up by tears as I continue rambling. Matt sits me on a bench under a lone streetlight and kneels down in front of me, his one hand holding mine while the other rests on my knee. "I don't know what to do. I let him die. It's my fault, it's because I killed Connor. It's all my fault." I break down, more tears streaming as Matt sits next to me and keeps me in a hug, holding my face to his chest while stroking my hair. "I-I never told him. I never told him I loved him before I turned. It was real, I know it was and it still is. But he's not here anymore, he's dead and I never told him." Matt continues to lock me in his embrace and murmurs comforting words in a soft voice. I tune out after a while, the pain inside making me blind to everything else.

Suddenly, I give up. I'm so sick of this pain that will never go away, and I turn it off. All of it, every emotion I shut down until I feel nothing at all. I shoot up and push Matt away.

"Elena? What's wrong?" His face displays utter confusion as my tears stop and I turn away, stumbling as I run down the street. "Elena!" I hear him call after me, but I ignore him and continue to run until I'm in the middle of the dark city. The world is spinning as I lean against a wall for support. Suddenly, a young man of about 19 years comes over.

"Woah, hey. Are you okay?" I look up at the copper eyes set in his round face. Bronze curls frame his face as he tried to help steady me. "Do you need help? You don't look so good." All I hear are words, no meaning to them and the craving for blood controls me. I feel the blood rush to my face and, as my canines extend, I plunge them deep into the man's neck, draining the life from him. His screams and pleas are short-lived as he falls to the ground, dead. But this is different from when I killed Connor. This time, I felt no remorse. No guilt.

"Elena!?!" I turn to see Matt standing there with wide eyes fixed on the man's lifeless body. I feel the blood drip from my face as I turn and run down the street. I keep telling myself that I don't care, but thoughts of Damon creep back in and I so does my humanity. I fight back the grief of my weakness when I get home. I see Bonnie and Caroline run outside. Caroline is the first to yell to me.

"Elena! You know you don't want to do this. You know this isn't you. You're just hurting, but you need to feel." Caroline looks terrified and Bonnie chimes in.

"You have to feel. Turn it back on. You're just hurting yourself more."

"I'm a vampire too, I've lost people but we have to deal with it because if we turn it off, we lose everything."

"Elena. Please," Bonnie slowly approaches and holds my shoulders, tears flowing down her face, "Please turn them back on."

And with that, I stop fighting. I let all the emotions rush back and I fall to the ground in tears.

"I don't know how to do this," My voice drops to barely a whisper, "I can't do this...." There's not really a switch. It's just mentally blocking it out, but it comes back. It never truly leaves. Caroline and Bonnie kneel down and hold me in their embrace. I've given up. There was no world for me, without a Damon in it. I close my eyes and shut the emotions off again, blocking every feeling.

"Elena..." Bonnie spoke, and it changed everything. With 5 words, my heart jumped. With 5 words, Bonnie gave me hope and a flicker of joy and emotion again. These 5 words changed my life.

"Wha-what?" I look up at her with a light in my eyes and Bonnie quietly echoes.

"I can bring him back."

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Hope you guys liked it!

This is the end of Pat 1, Part 2 should be up in a week or so :)

Do you think Bonnie can really bring Damon back or is she just lying to get Elena to turn her humanity back on? And if she can briing him back, how do you think she'll do it?

Let me know in the comments and stick aorund for part 2!

Love you guys ♥