Standard Fanfiction Tropes

"Aw, bollocks."

Roy's eyes were burning, and there was a growl in his stomach. He exited out of his tab and rubbed his aching forehead. Too much online gaming was a toil for his aging soul. Since he had hit thirty, he'd noticed a drastic drop in his ability to game for long periods of time. He used to be able to sit in front of a PlayStation for the length of a workday. Now he could only handle five, six hours.

The ache of hunger burned in his belly. He rummaged around in his desk drawer—it was so difficult to find things now that he'd become less of a slob, another sign of his middle-agedness—and pulled out a triple cheeseburger. As he took a bite and felt the grease seep into his pores and the cholesterol flood his internal organs, it was as though he were a young man again. Never mind.

He glanced at the clock. It was lunchtime and the two other desks in the office were empty.

"Hey, Jen," Roy yelled through a mouthful of burger. "Have you seen Moss and Imogene?"

Jen shot up from the couch unexpectedly, causing Roy to jump. She wiped her eyes and shook her head quickly as she stretched.

"I thought you were in your office," he frowned.

"I was," she said dazedly. "I was—just—Internet—manager—relationship—I was."

Jen spun around to look at Moss' empty desk. "Where do you think they are?"

"I have no idea," Roy chomped, kicking his feet up onto the desk. A jalapeno fell into his lap and he cursed.

"Strange they're both gone at the same time," she speculated. "Do you think they could be together?"

"I doubt it. What would they be doing?"

"Bunking off?"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like they would bunk off. Especially together. They're the two biggest goody-two-shoes I've ever met in my life."

"That cheeseburger looks good."

"It's terrible. I've been gaming for six hours. I deserve better."

Jen went to the coffee table and began to rearrange things meaninglessly. She perked up suddenly. "I called the both of them, right?"

"I don't know," said Roy. "As far as I know, you've been asleep for six hours. If you were awake, I would have heard you jabbering."

Jen looked at the ceiling as though viewing a bright light. "Is it payday? Are they at Namco?"

"Oh, come on, Jen. You know you'd never forget a payday."

"I remember now," she nodded. "I did call Imogene. She said she was stuck in traffic."

Roy looked up from his burger with a skeptical expression. "And you didn't question it? It's ruddy London, Jen. Who do you know that has a car? Besides, I figured she walked to work every morning. She walks home with Moss all the—" He stopped dead in his tracks. "Wait a minute."

"What?" asked Jen.

Roy's eyes widened and he sat up in his chair, pulling his shoes off the table. "You don't think they...?"

Jen shook her head. "I don't follow."

"Don't think they what?" said a voice like silk pie.

Jen jumped and turned to see Richmond standing behind her. "Bloody hell, Richmond! You don't work here!"

"Please don't shout at me. I'm so lonely."

"This is bad," said Roy, standing up. "This is very bad. I don't even want to imagine it."

"Imagine what, Roy?" Jen cried, picking up her coffee cup from the table and taking a sip. "What are you talking about? You're speaking in tongues!"

"I have the feeling I missed something," said Richmond. "Did Moss and that sweet girl have intercourse?"

Jen choked on her coffee all of a sudden and coughed for a good five minutes. Roy nearly had a back spasm. Richmond glanced from side to side and took a swig of absinthe.

"I hate to say this," Roy said, gathering his bearings. "But I wouldn't be surprised."

The door to the office opened and, speak of the devil, in they stepped. Imogene in her clothes from yesterday, Moss with his buttons unevenly matched. Imogene rushed to her desk and started haphazardly organizing files, while Moss slowly unzipped his coat and sat down as though he were terrified of breaking his desk chair. He turned on his computer and glanced around at everyone. Imogene hummed and whistled and mumbled to herself, her hands shaky and aimless.

"Where have you two been?" Roy asked as Jen regained control of her breathing.

"Ah..." said Moss.

"Traffic," said Imogene.

Jen looked next to her. "Moss?"

"Uh..." He faux laughed. "Well. You see...Ha ha. Um."

"Spit it out," said Jen.

"Yes," said Imogene coldly. "Spit it out."

"Uh..." Moss swallowed. "Well, you see, my mum just died, and it's been a difficult time for all of us—"

His one-night stand faux gasped. "Your mum died? I didn't know. That is SO SAD."

"I mean she's not dead," he continued, surprised by Imogene's iciness. "She was just sexually assaulted, which is a bit like death."

Imogene looked up with wide eyes. "You son of a bitch! That's a terrible thing to say!"

"Watch your language! You're the one who complains about swearing!"

She picked up a TARDIS paperweight from her desk and hurled it at Moss, hitting the couch with her terrible aim. "You're incorrigible!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" said Jen. "Let's not throw things. You could hurt someone if you're not careful."

"I doubt that," said Richmond. "That was the worst aim I've ever seen."

"I think it's pretty obvious what's happened here," Roy continued, stepping into the center of the office.

"Oh, quit playing detective," Jen snapped. "You're not Sherlock Holmes."

"That's ruddy hurtful," said Moss. "You should be ashamed of yourself. I have been nothing but nice to you—"

"I was talking to Roy."

"Enough!"

Everyone else in the room jumped. Roy's gaze swept about the room. Moss and Imogene shrank beneath its sheer power.

"You two had sex," said Roy.

Imogene turned red in the face, and Jen's eyes grew big as saucers. Richmond sipped his absinthe again and crept into Jen's office to avoid the tension, which hung heavily in the room like damp clothes along a line.

"That's, uh..." said Imogene.

Roy stared down at Moss, who looked back at him with wide puppy eyes.

"It's true," Moss said quietly.

The entire office went dead silent for a moment as this revelation was allowed time to sink in.

"We were really drunk—" he continued.

"No one cares," said Roy. "The point is it was wrong."

"I wouldn't say it was wrong," Jen added. "It's just a little weird. For one thing, you're at least twice her age."

Moss scrunched his nose up and gave her a dirty look. "I'm not in my fifties, Jen. I'm thirty-six. Did you even do the mathematics or were you just, you know, throwing a number out there?"

"We're ten years apart," Imogene said quietly.

"Yes, thank you. Which, if you follow the conventional 'half your age plus seven' rule, is within the boundaries of appropriate age difference..." Moss trailed off.

"Well, anyway," Jen continued. "It's one thing if Roy dates a girl from the seventh floor—"

"Please don't bring up Betsy," said Roy.

"Betsy," Moss scoffed. "Pshaw."

"She was so needy—"

"I don't care about Betsy! This is a hypothetical situation!" Jen snapped. "As I was saying, it's one thing if Roy dates a girl from the seventh floor, because well, we don't work in close proximity with the girls from the seventh floor. We don't have to have any contact with them during our little walk of shame, or ever again, for that matter, once the...deed is done. But if we folks down here all start fooling around and 'having sex'—imagine what would happen. There'd be so much office drama! Having to see each other every day. Having to switch jobs! Think about it! We'd ruin the lovely environment we have here in this..." She glanced around at her surroundings. "...office. We can't ruin that now. Not after years of working with each other, and calling each other our friends."

"Nice monologue, Jen," said Roy. "I don't deny that it would definitely be really weird if I started dating you."

"That's...somewhat helpful, Roy."

"What about the time WE slept together, Jen?" asked Moss.

Imogene dropped the papers she was holding. "Wait, what?"

"You seemed to get over it pretty quickly," he continued. "The next day we decided we would just act like it didn't happen. Things went pretty smoothly after that, don't you think?"

"What?" said Roy. "You never told me about that. When did that happen?"

"That is a completely different story," Jen chuckled, turning away to hide her red face.

"Wait a second," Roy cried. "Are you two talking about the night I accidentally slept with that psychiatrist who looked like my mother? I thought we weren't going to bring that up again!"

"Me, too," said Jen. "Aw, Moss. Why'd you have to go and ruin everything? We had at least a four-year streak of not bringing that up."

"This is all new to me," Imogene spat. "I didn't know you two had a history. No idea in the slightest."

"Which is exactly how it should stay," Roy said quickly. "We never speak of this. Ever. We sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, and we move on as if everything is normal. How does that sound?"

"Sounds good to me," said Jen, suddenly happy. "Remember, you two, Reynholm Industries' hiring policy has made this a business run by strictly attractive workers. You'll find someone brand new and better in no time."

"Especially Moss," said Roy. "Who's banged every woman in this office. Which I must admit is more than I ever accomplished."

"You're right," Imogene replied. "If I'd have known Moss was such a player, I'd never have fucked him in the first place."

Silence. It was as if Moss was seeing her for the very first time.

"Imogene—" he began.

She cut him off. "Don't even try."

"Oh, darling," said Jen, heading to Imogene's desk and touching her shoulder. "You're being a bit unreasonable. Making a big show of it won't make things any better. Why can't we just keep this hush-hush?"

"It's a little late for that now," said Roy.

"Oh, don't be so pessimistic," Jen replied with a glare.

"I'm just saying," he continued. "Now that the cat's out of the bag—"

"You're the one who brought it up in the first place! You were all 'look at me, I'm Mr. Detective! Uncovering one conspiracy after another.'"

Imogene glanced up at Moss again, who was still staring at her as though he wanted to look away but couldn't. She picked up the papers she'd dropped and began reassembling them, her fingers shaking and twitching uncontrollably. Roy and Jen's bickering turned to incoherent mutters as her heartbeat became the loudest sound in the room.

Suddenly the phone rang, startling her, and Moss jumped in his seat. Roy picked up the receiver and sighed.

"Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?" He paused. "Is it definitely plugged in?" He paused again. "The little light behind the monitor. Is it on?" He paused again and rolled his eyes. "Be there in five. You're welcome, mate."

He hung up. "Someone's computer won't recognize their USB drive."

"I'll go," said Imogene. "What floor?"

"Fifth floor. His name is Arthur Zewiggins and he works at a cubicle in the corner. I answered the call, so technically I should go up."

"No, I'll do it," said Imogene quietly.

Jen and Roy tightened their lips as Imogene went to the office door. Just before she exited, Moss asked, "Can I come with?"

She turned to him and answered, "I'm just gonna do it myself."