chapter 21 - hurting

(Credits on the fanart)

Maybe when you don't really want to run into someone, it is not the best idea to go to his house. Just maybe. But I couldn't help it, my subconscious led me to Dawn winery.

Once Kaeya left, I just felt like I needed a walk. I set off without a destination in my mind, I let my thoughts roam freely, allowing my legs to choose their own path.

My eyes widened when I stopped by the grapevines, looking up the huge building. That was the moment when I realized where I was.

I have to admit, memories of my childhood at the winery occupied my mind throughout my little walk, a little differently than before. So far all the memories that came up had a strong connection to my dear boys, but my life here was more than just spending time with Diluc and Kaeya. And last night, while I noticed the window of my old room, these memories came to surface.

I have my own family, and I love my parents and my sister, they are very important to me. But honestly, the place I used to call home was Dawn winery. I don't remember the house I lived in before that, and everything after Dawn was temporary. I don't have blood relations to this place, but it used to be my home.

"Miss Tessa, Miss Tessa" I heard Adelinde's voice calling for me. I walked up to the entrance of the house, where she was talking with other servants. Once I was there, Adelinde closed me in her embrace.

"Apologize my rudeness, my lady, but I am so glad to see you" she said, sniffing. "I know you have been back in Mondstadt for a while now... why didn't you pay a visit?"

She let go of me, demanding my answer, like a scolding parent.

"I am sorry, Adelinde" I smiled shyly. "I meant to, but... I don't really belong here anymore. And you don't have to address me with such a formality. I am not a lady of the house, I am not even a noble"

"What are you saying?" she furrowed her eyebrows. "You are Master Crepus' niece, even if not blood related. You are equal in my eyes with Master Diluc and Master Kaeya."

Her kindness caught me off guard, I didn't know what to reply. But thankfully she continued, saving me from the embarrassing silence.

"I heard you were at the ball last night, but I was too busy to look for you. Come inside, I will make you a tea, and we can talk a little"

"It's not necessary..." I argued with red cheeks.

"I insist" she smiled, gesturing me, to follow her inside.

I sat down inside while Adelinde served me tea. I felt a little embarrassed, it was such a long time ago when I last experienced these formalities at Dawn. We were chatting a little, I asked Adelinde to sit down next to me, to make the situation feel less uncomfortable.

"Is your Master at home?" I asked her, sipping on my tea.

"No, he had some... business matters to attend to. I swear, the young Master doesn't know how to rest" she rolled her eyes. I chuckled at her statement.

I finished my tea, it tasted the same as I remembered. Honestly, I kind of missed her cooking too. But I was glad I don't have to go through her endless lectures after we did some mischief...

"Do you need any help around?" I asked her while we were walking towards the kitchen. I insisted to take the tea set back myself.

"No, thank you, miss. We finished cleaning up after last night, dinner is my last duty for today"

"I told you already to leave the formalities, Adelinde" I reminded her with a smile.

"I can't help it. You will always belong here in my heart"

My face turned red. Her nice words were flattering and embarrassing at the same time.

"I- uhm" I cleared my throat. "T-thank you, Adelinde. I... think I am leaving now. Thank you for the tea"

"Come another time, Miss Tessa. Dawn winery always welcomes you"

I said goodbye to her. I missed this place. I missed being a child. I walked up the hill looking down to the winery, and lay in the grass. It was mid-afternoon, the breeze was gently stroking my body. I used to come to this place a lot to read. Once Adelinde learned of this habit of mine, she always made sure I brought snacks and something to drink with me. Sometimes the boys joined me too, we were either minding our own business or play card games.

"Adelinde said you've visited" I lifted my head to see the source of the voice. Diluc was walking in my direction. My heartbeat became faster at the sight of him. I couldn't help recalling the memories of the previous night, his touch on my cheeks, and...

I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks.

"I asked her what direction you left to, I am glad I found you" he continued.

"Why did you wanted to find me?" I asked, still laying in the grass, while he seated himself next to me.

"Maybe we should talk" he shrugged.

"This is amongst the top 10 worst ways to start a conversation" I noted.

He chuckled at this. "Is there even any good way to start a conversation with you, Tessa?"

"It is only you, who struggles to talk with me" I answered, slightly angered at his statement.

"Maybe because you don't make it easy for me" he argued back.

I didn't answer to that. Maybe he was right.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked instead.

"About us... mostly. And about things I've heard"

About us?? And... what could he possibly hear.... What have I done this time?

"What things you've heard?" I asked to keep the conversation going. I wanted to deny his accusation of me making it hard for him to talk to me.

"Maybe we shouldn't start with that" he hesitated.

"Go on" I demanded. I supported myself with my elbows to lift myself and look at him.

He bit his lips, clearly struggling to finally speak. Once he gathered enough courage, I wished he just stayed quiet.

"I went to the city today... and I heard gossips that Kaeya left your apartment this morning... in yesterday's clothes"

I collapsed back to my laying position, hiding my face between my palms. I knew it would happen but the way he accused me immediately really hurt me.

"Is that true?" he asked. I looked up at his expecting gaze. He already had his own conclusions. And it angered me. This is really how he sees me?

I clenched my jaw. "It is none of your business" I answered simply.

His eyes widened, I saw fire lighting up in his usually indifferent eyes.

"What do you mean it is none of my business, Tessa?"

"You heard it clearly" I shrugged. "We are barely old friends. Last time I checked, you stated that you are not ready for anything serious right now, because you would just break my heart"

"And now you are breaking my heart" he exclaimed, pressing his lips together. He looked hurt. I sat up suddenly, anger fueling my movements.

"What the hell are you talking about, Diluc?" I bursted out. "You don't want to be with me, but once you hear a gossip you get offended. You confuse me"

"Yes, because once you confess to me, then you go and sleep with Kaeya... again"

I bursted out in a loud laugh. "Who said I slept with him last night?"

"You didn't?" he raised an eyebrow at me.

I snorted. "As I said it is none of your business"

This sentence just angered him up even more. He kneeled in front of me, grabbing my face with his gloved hands, forcing me to look into his fiery eyes.

"Stop it" he breathed out through gritted teeth. It was uncharacteristic of him to lose his temper this much.

I stared in his eyes coldly. "Do you really think I am such an easy girl? Saying 'I love you' with ease, then sleeping with everyone I can?" I chuckled darkly. "I've been refusing to tell you the truth, because you already made your own conclusions. If this is your opinion of me, then... ah, nevermind" tears gathered in my eyes. It was difficult to stay calm while his hands held my face and his eyes were so close to my gaze. Even though his accusations really hurt my feelings, I still love this man. I would give my whole life and soul to him.

I continued. "Kaeya is my best friend. We are nothing more than that. He was blackout drunk last night and I was worried about him. I asked a knight to carry him to my home and I took care of him. He slept on my couch. Did I satisfy your curiosity?" the stupid tears rolled down my cheeks, I tried hard to stop my voice from shaking.

He let go of my face. I saw the shadow of guilt appearing on his face.

"I-I'm sorry" he breathed out.

I lifted my knees and wrapped my arms around them.

"Do you believe me?" I asked.

"Of course I do" his voice was barely louder than a whisper. "I... am really, really sorry. I had no right to doubt you. I lost my temper."

"What is wrong with you, Diluc? What got into you?" I asked, the stupid tears still rolling down my face slowly. "First last night, then this... You keep confusing me"

"I'm sorry" he answered.

"A sorry won't be enough for any longer" I said lowly. "It hurts me, you know? I can't keep my mind off you. You told me to find happiness and even I want to - what is not true, because I can't erase you from my mind - I can't. You make it impossible."

"I know" he looked down, staring at the ground.

I reached out to touch his left hand. I wrapped my small hand around his gloved fingers.

"You know..." I let out a big sigh. "You need to figure out what you want. I give you as much space as you need, but... you really need to decide because it seems like we're just keep hurting each other."

"You're right" he nodded, squeezing my hand gently.

"I will be there Diluc, when you decided what you want. Take as much time as you need"

He nodded. "Thank you" he lifted my hand to place a gentle kiss on it. The feeling of his lips on my skin sent shivers down my spine.

Then he let go of my hand.

"I need to go" he said, standing up, brushing off his clothes.

"Okay" that's all I could answer.

I was staring at his back until his crimson hair disappeared too far for my vision to follow.

—————Author's note

Uhm I don't know if this chapter was good, I had whooole different plans with it, and when I started writing I was like... hmmm I feel a little angsty today.

I hope you enjoyed it though. Another long chapter, wow.

Anyway, I am pulling for Scaramouche tomorrow, wish me luck <3 I've been saving up for a while lol

See you next chapter