Dark Side of the Moon

Sam had been right about the hunters that were tracking him and Dean down to kill them for starting the Apocalypse. Dean had broke the first Seal. Sam had broke the last.

And they had been killed.

Again.

Castiel couldn't contact them while on Earth, because he couldn't get into Heaven.

But I could, unable to find them, using the "prayer phone" in reverse, instead, able to speak into Sam's mind. "Sam!"

"Octavia?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, it's me."

"What the hell kind of dream is this?"

"Listen to me very closely. This isn't a dream."

"Then what is it?"

"Deep down, you already know."

"I'm dead."

"Condolences."

"Where am I?"

"Heaven."

"Heaven? How did I get to Heaven?"

"Please, listen."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because I don't want to be heard."

"You're in my head."

"Yes, I am in you're head, in Heaven, where I can be found out. Shut up and listen. What do you see?"

"What do you mean, what do I see? I'm in a house."

"Then look outside and tell me what you see. Some people see a tunnel or a river. What do you see?"

"Nothing. Just a road."

"All right. A road. For you, it's a road. Follow it, Sam. You'll find Dean. Once you find your brother, keep following the road. You'll find me. Follow the road."

*

After a while, I could hear Sam calling. "Octavia!"

"What are you doing?" Dean asked.

"What's it look like?" Sam asked.

"Like you've lost your mind," Dean answered.

"I heard Octavia's voice earlier when I woke up," Sam told him. "She's the one who told me how to find you."

"Yeah, you haven't lost your mind at all," Dean told him sarcastically. "Either that, or she has."

"I can hear you."

Dean sounded surprised. "Oh. Hi, Octavia."

"So, obviously, I found Sam, but something just happened," Sam told me. "There was this weird beam of light."

"Don't go into the light."

"Okay," Dean said weirdly. "Thanks, Carol Ann. What was it?"

"Not what, whom. Zachariah. He's searching for you."

"And if he finds us?"

"You can't say yes to Michael and Lucifer if you're dead, so Zachariah needs to return you to your bodies."

"Great," Sam told us. "Problem solved."

"No. You don't understand. You, hmm... You're being the Wall. This is a rare opportunity for Zachariah to get his petty revenge on you. I'm trying to find you right now, but it is so much harder than it sounds like."

"Why is that?" Dean asked.

"Because Heaven isn't just one place. It's a million, billion places, and sorting through all of them to find you is gonna take a while. And trying to do so while trying to stay in secret is nearly impossible. And after I find you and send you back, I have to find an Angel named Joshua."

"Why?" Sam asked. "What's so important about Joshua?"

"The rumor is, he talks to God."

"And?" Dean asked. "So?"

"You think maybe, just maybe, we should find out what the hell God has been saying? And, I don't know, have some prayer of finding him before my supposed redemption turns into a manhunt?"

"Jeez," Dean said. "Touchy."

"Please. I just need you to follow the road."

"What road?" Dean asked.

"It's called the Axis Mundi. It's a path that runs through Heaven. Different people see it as different things. For you, it's two-lane asphalt. The road will lead you to the Garden. I'm headed there to find Joshua, but I have to get you out of here before Zachariah finds you. That's if I find you first."

"How comforting," Sam told me sarcastically.

"In Heaven, I'm stronger. I can borrow power to bring you back. Down on Earth, I can't. Then I'll find Joshua, and he can take me to God. I'll see you soon."

I let their voices fade, hearing a male Angel's voice behind me. "You don't have to find me, Octavia." I turned to face him. "I found you."

"Joshua," I told him.

"I've been waiting for you, actually," Joshua told me. "Waiting for you to realize that the Angels never thought that you could find Him. Waiting for you to realize they were never planning to give you a second chance."

"I realized that a long time ago," I told him. "So, you talk to our father?"

"Mostly, he talks to me," Joshua answered.

"Well, I need to speak to Him," I told him. "It's important. Where is He?"

"On Earth," Joshua answered.

"Doing what?" I asked.

"I don't know," Joshua told me.

"Do you know where on Earth?" I asked.

"No," Joshua answered. "Sorry. We don't exactly speak face to face. Like you were speaking to the Winchester brothers."

I took a deep breath, but didn't bother to deny it, looking away. "I... I don't get it. God's not talking to anybody, so..."

"Why's He talking to me?" Joshua finished. I looked at Joshua, nodding. "I sometimes think it's because I can sympathize, gardener to gardener. And, between us, I think he gets lonely."

I nodded barely. "Well, my heart's breaking for Him." I took a breath. "Well, can you at least get Him a message for me?"

"Actually, He has a message for you," Joshua told me. "Stop looking."

"What?" I asked.

"He knows already," Joshua told me. "Everything you want to tell Him. Everything that Angels want you to do. Everything you've been doing to spite them. He knows what the Angels are doing. He knows that the Apocalypse has begun. He just doesn't think it's His problem."

I raised my eyebrows. "Not his problem?"

"God saved your friends already," Joshua told me. "He put Sam and Dean on that plane. He brought back Castiel. He granted you salvation in Heaven. He says that it is okay not to want what the other Angels want, and it is okay to... reveal that to the others. It's more than He's intervened in a long time. He's finished. Magic amulet or not, you won't be able to find Him."

"But he can stop it," I told him. "He can stop all of it."

"I suppose He could, but He won't," Joshua told me.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Why does He allow evil in the first place?" Joshua replied. "You could drive yourself nuts asking questions like that. I know how important this was to you, Octavia. I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Forget it. I wasn't trying to find Him for the Angels. I was trying to find Him to try to do the right thing."

"I know that," Joshua told me. "And so does He."

"And He doesn't care," I told him. "It's fine. I'll make it through. I always have."

"Except, you don't know if you can, this time," Joshua told me. "You can't kill the Devil, and you're losing faith, in yourself, in your brothers and sisters, and now this? God was your last hope. I just... I wish I could tell you something different."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I asked.

"You think that I would lie?" Joshua asked.

"I think a lot of Angels would lie to find out the truth about what I've really been doing since the Apocalypse started," I told him.

"I'm rooting for you, Octavia, and those boys," Joshua told me. "I wish I could do more to help you, I do. But... I just trip the hedges. The rest is up to you. Whether you want to rebel openly and help them stop the Apocalypse, or to continue doing your thing in secret, as you have been so good at doing as of late. So far, the only ones that know the truth is Him and me. Whether all of them find out, that's up to you. It's your choice."

I looked down, thinking for a long moment, thinking I already knew the answer.

*

After so long, I finally found Sam and Dean, restrained by two Angels as they faced Zachariah.

While they were doing all this, I was carefully using my blood to draw an intricate, specific Angel Banishing Sigil on a nearby wall, remaining hidden until I did.

"Let's brass tack this, shall we?" Zachariah asked.

"You gonna ball-gag us until we say yes?" Dean asked. "Huh? Yeah, I've heard that one, too."

Zachariah stepped closer to Dean, punching him in the stomach, making him double over in pain. "I'm going to do a lot more than that. I've cleared my schedule. Get him up." The Angel restraining Dean pulled him up. Zachariah punched him in the stomach. Sam struggled against the Angel holding him. "Let me tell you something. I was on the fast track once. Employee of the month, every month, forever. I would walk these halls, and people would avert their eyes." The house started to rumble and shake due to Zachariah's anger. "I had respect! And then they assigned me you. Now look at me." He chuckled unhappily. "I can't close the deal on a couple of flannel-wearing maggots? Everybody's laughing at me. And they're right to do it. So. Say yes, don't say yes. I'm still going to take it out of your asses. It's personal now, boys, and the last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me. And I'll tell you why. Lucifer may be strong, but, I'm... petty. I'm going to be the Angel on your shoulder for the rest of eternity."

I leaned against the wall. "You never shut up, do you, Zachariah?"

They looked toward me in surprise.

"Excuse me?" Zachariah asked.

"Bad timing, I know," I told him. "But I've been doing all untold bad things lately, in secret, of course. But then I thought, 'What the hell?' Now look at me. You want to whine about being shunned because you can't start the end of times? I actually want to stop it." I tilted my head. "If you want to find God..." I slammed my bleeding hand over the hidden sigil, making Zachariah and the two Angels restraining Sam and Dean disappear with a violent flash of bright white light. "Find Him yourself."

I pushed away from the wall, walking toward Sam and Dean.

"Very subtle, Octavia," Dean told me sarcastically. "Not like your usual work. What happened to being the inside man?"

"I don't care anymore," I told them.

"What took you so long?" Sam asked.

"I was talking to Joshua," I answered.

"You found him before you found us?" Dean asked.

"He found me before I found you," I answered.

Sam slowly nodded. "What did he say? Did he tell you anything about God?"

I hesitated, looking down, tilting my head. "He doesn't care, either. He's the reason that I don't."

Sam and Dean processed.

"So, what now?" Sam asked.

"I take you home," I answered. "This time won't be like the last. This time..." I raised a hand toward either of them. "You'll remember."

I placed a hand on either of their heads, a bright white light surrounding us all.

*

Down on Earth, Castiel and I stood in a motel room with the revived, alive Sam and Dean.

Castiel was looking lost and without hope.

I leaned against the divider.

Sam and Dean were packing their bags.

Castiel looked at me. "Maybe... maybe Joshua was lying."

Sam and Dean looked at us.

"I don't think he was, Cas," I told him. "I'm sorry."

I sighed.

Castiel walked into the entryway, looking at the ceiling. "You son of a bitch. I believed in..."

Castiel searched above for any sign, anything.

There was nothing.

I hesitated, looking down, sighing, pushing away from the divider, pulling out Dean's amulet. "I don't need this anymore." I tossed it to Dean. Dean caught it. "It's worthless."

"Guys," Sam told us. "Wait."

Castiel and I disappeared without another word.

The Angels and Demons were intentionally trying to destroy the world.

We were trying to save it.

God didn't care.

So, I didn't care if they knew where I really stood with my beliefs and actions anymore.

I really didn't care.