alcoholism

Trigger warning// Sexual assault (If you want to keep reading but can't handle the subject, scroll until you see this type of text again.)

"Max?" Shit, Louis thought to himself. This was the worst possible time for this. He could barely walk to the door without tripping.

"Can I come in?" Max asks since Louis froze and didn't know what to say. He lets Max in and closes the door behind him. "This place looks empty."

"I know. I was, um,, I was out of town for a while." Louis lies.

"Ohh." Max says and looks around him. Louis can hear how his phone is buzzing in his pocket. He checks it quickly, hoping Max doesn't see. It's Harry.

Mine<3

"Can I come there to chat with you for 5 mins?"

"I promisr we can talk later. Just pleasr, don't comme here nnow. Please rtrust me."

Louis can't risk another fight. He's too drunk and too exhausted for that. Now he just waits for Max to start a conversation, whatever it is that he wants to talk about.

"So um, Louis." Max says and turns around. "I had a little time to think. I did a lot of thinking. And I guess I was wrong."

"About?" Louis questions and leans to the wall behind him, trying not to seem dizzy.

"About me. I told you that I couldn't do this,,, us. But I can. I want to."

"What?"

"I just- I was drunk, nothing made sense. Now when I have thought about it, I need you. I don't care if we have to hide, I just want to be with you."

"I'm- I don't know what to say." Louis stutters.

"I'm sorry that it took this long to come here." Max says and steps closer to Louis. He feels like he's going to throw up, shouldn't have drank that much.

"I just, Max.. Um don't you think it's kind of too late for this?"

"Why would it be? We can start all over again." Max steps closer again, making Louis to back against the wall. "Why? Don't you want to?"

"I um,,. What made you- made you change your mind?" Louis tries to come up with excuses to not answer.

"Have you drank?" Max asks and finally stops walking right infront of Louis. He just shakes his head and looks down. "You haven't?" Louis isn't quite sure is it because he's drunk or what but Max sounds really scary.

"A little." Louis closes his eyes and almost falls down. He fixes his posture and opens his eyes.

"Little?" Max hyms and smiles. "It's okay Lou." He takes Louis' chin and lifts it up, Louis still trying to avoid eye contact.

"We really shouldn't do this." He can get out of his mouth. Louis' feet are starting to get weak. He needs to sit down, but he's too scared that he'll pass out.

"Why? What's stopping us?"

"Me. I am." He finally stands up for himself.

"No, I know you're drunk right now, Lou. I'm just thinking about the future." Max smiles and tries to lean closer to Louis for a kiss. Louis can't really concentrate on Max talking.

"I need to sit down." He says and looks at the couch next to them. Max gets a little further away so Louis can walk past him but he almost trips. Max takes his hand and helps him to walk. Everytime Louis tries to blink, he feels like he closes his eyes for minutes.

"Feeling better?" Max asks when Louis finally sits down.

"Look, Max. I think we should continue this conversation tomorrow."

"Oh?" He questions and puts his hand on Louis' thigh. He keeps fondling it, moving his hand deeper, towards Louis' crotch. "You don't want to?" If Louis wouldn't be drunk, and not with Harry, this would be his breaking point.

"It's not that.." Louis doesn't want to say that he's with Harry. It's too heartbreaking that he ran back to Harry the second they broke up.

"Mmh. So..?" Max gets closer and tries to get on top of Louis. 

"I just,, I can't do this right now." Louis closes his eyes trying to not pass out.

"But you want to?" Louis shrugs. "I know you're scared of admitting it, it's hard. But I know we're supposed to together. We were so good together." Louis starts gagging so Max moves him to lay down.

"Please.." He whispers, unable to open his eyes anymore. Maybe Max took that the wrong way or maybe he can't control himself anymore but he gets on top of Louis. "Max-"

"Shhh." He hushes and covers Louis' mouth with his right hand. With his left hand, he reaches down to unzip Louis pants. God, he wishes Harry were here.  Louis passes out for a second and next he feels Max entering him.

"Please Max, I don't want to."

"Hey, hey, hey. It's alright. It doesn't hurt as much as you think." He tries to calm Louis down. Louis whines from pain and tries pushes Max off him. But he's too weak, too fucking weak. He finally can open his eyes for a second and sees Max's panting face on top off him. He feels like crying.

"Can we stop?" He asks as tears fall down his cheek. Max just starts thrusting harder. "FUCKING STOP!!" He yells with his last energy. At the same time, Louis' front door flies open. He hears steps coming closer and suddenly the weight on top of him is gone. He still can't open his eyes but he hears yelling, almost like it's far away from him. Something crashes.

"Louis??" He hears mumbling. Someone touches his  cheek. "Louis??" He hears louder this time. His eyelids are forcefully opened. He sees Harry. Harry came to save him.

"Harry..?" He can get out. "I'm sorry." He whispers.

"For what?" His voice is breaking.

"I didn't want to. Please believe me."

"You didn't want what? Fuck him?" Louis nods.

"I wasn't strong enough to fight back." He apologizes.

"Louis it's okay, you didn't do anything wrong. He's gone now." Harry sighs out of relief. He kisses Louis on his forehead. "Let's get you to sleep, okay?" Louis nods. He has on only his boxers, down in his ankles and his t-shirt up in his armpits. Harry puts them on correctly and goes to get Louis a blanket.

"I love you." Louis lets out. Suddenly Harry stops moving.

"I love you too." He finally says back. "But you know we have to report this to the police in the morning, right?"

"No." Louis whispers. He can't fight the sleep anymore and passes out.

Trigger warning// Sexual assault Stops here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm not sure if y'all will notice this???????????????????????????Okay, maybe this is enough:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

**

Louis became paranoid. He was scared of everything and everyone. Harry insisted him to go to the police but he refused. It would bring up too big of a fuzz. He wants to be left alone and he certainly doesn't need any more attention. Max didn't contact him after that, Harry apparently scared him away.

But that doesn't make Louis feel any better. He gets uncomfortable when someone other than Harry touches him. He's scared to talk to strangers and sometimes even some mutual friends. Almost everytime he goes out, he needs Harry with him. He hates to depend on him like that.

On top of that, he's way behind with the album. He doesn't have enough songs, he has skipped some interviews and meetings. He even refused to see Eleanor couple of times. He has been so quiet for a while that his fans are spamming him on Twitter.

"What the fuck am I supposed to write about?" Louis gets frustrated while trying to play some melody on his guitar.

"Write about how you feel."

"What do you mean?" He lifts his head up from the guitar strings.

"I mean, what do you feel right now?" Harry asks.

"Frustrated."

"Right. What about the last past week? What did you feel like?"

"Scared."

"And why?"

"Harry please. You know why."

"Write about that." Harry shrugs.

"Like what happened..?"

"Or how it made you feel." Louis thinks about it. That doesn't seem such a bad idea. He gets to playing something on his guitar as Harry stands up.

"Where you going?"

"I want to paint."

"Paint?"

"Yeah, I feel creative. You want to join?" Louis puts the guitar down.

"Sure." He waits on the couch while Harry puts up the canvas and gets out the paints and brushes. He puts the easels opposite of each other so they won't see their paintings. "What am I supposed to paint?"

"Whatever you want."

"Well I don't know! I'm really shitty at painting."

"That doesn't matter."

"God, you're annoyingly positive." Louis complaints as Harry already gets to painting. Louis on the other hand stares at the canvas and at the paints. Then he takes the biggest brush and squeezes red paint on it. He starts filling the white with it, making a round circle. He makes it look like the painting has exploded on the canvas. He uses the brush very aggressively, he's probably going to break it. When he's done with the red, he waits for it to dry.

"What chu painting?" Louis asks and tries to walk to see what Harry's canvas looks like. Harry stops himwith his hand.

"You can't see yet." Louis rolls his eyes and smiles.

"Fine!" Louis plays the guitar while he waits the pain to dry. Then he repeats what he did with the red paint, but with green. He paints it on the red explosion and repeats it with light blue. "When I can see that?" He asks inpatient.

"Later."

"C'moooonn." He begs.

"Fine, come and see." Harry gives in and Louis jumps off the couch. The painting is,,, beautiful. Louis isn't quite sure what's the meaning behind it, but Harry is extremely talented.

"Wow."

"You like?"

"Yes. It's beautiful."

"Hm." Harry smiles. Then he moves on the other side to see Louis' painting. He gets embarrassed by it, Harry is so much better than him. "What is it?"

"I'm not gonna tell you."

"You're not gonna tell me?"

"Nope." Louis smirks.

Louis knows exactly what it means. The red means all the bad things that have happened to Louis. The green, obviously, means Harry. He's protecting Louis, the light blue, from everything bad. It sounds very cheesy so Louis doesn't want to explain.

"Can I hang it on the wall?"

"It's so ugly." Louis murmurs. He walks over to Harry and rests his head on Harry's shoulder. Harry kisses Louis' head, and he turns his head up.

"You look so pretty." Harry suddenly blurts out. Louis blushes and gives Harry a kiss. He takes advantage of the situation and wraps his hands around Louis' waist. They kiss while Harry leads Louis towards the couch. Louis lays down, Harry getting on top of him. For the first time in a while Louis gets butterflies in his stomach. Harry slowly and carefully moves his hand down on Louis' body.

"Harry.." He gets out of his mouth. "I don't want to." Louis feels like he's disappointing Harry. They haven't had any sex after the thing with Max. He can't even think about having sex without getting flashbacks. He can barely even remember that night but it still makes him feel disgusted.

"It's okay." Harry smiles and kisses Louis on last time before laying down beside him.

"I'm sorry."

"Lou. You don't have to apologize. Even if that wouldn't had happened, it still would be okay."

"...Please don't call me that."

"What?"

"Lou. Max used to say that."

"Shit, right. I'm sorry." Harry says and stares at Louis. But he can't look back at him. He feels ashamed, disgusting, disappointing. Harry deserves better than him.

**

"So.. Do you like it?" Louis asks after playing his new song.

"Sure, of course." Craig answers. "But I'm sorry, it's not going to be on the album."

"What? Why not?" He protests.

"Have you heard the lyrics? You are literally singing 'I am gay, you are too.' Sorry Louis, but no."

"Fucking asshole.." Louis mumbles. He leaves the guitar in the corner and leaves the office. It was a really good song. He's proud of it, and besides he wasn't even singing about being gay. He took Harry's advice and wrote how he felt. He wanted to write it so other men who has gotten sexually assaulted could relate, but without actually telling that.

Louis left work earlier than he was supposed to and gets straight to home. Some girls wave to him on his way to home. He forces a smile and waves back. Thank God he's in a car. He wouldn't had survived alone. Even meeting fans scares him sometimes.

When Louis finally gets home, he sees his stupid painting on the kitchen wall.

"Oh, God! Why did you put that there?" He complains as taking off his jacket and shoes.

"It's pretty." Harry answers. Louis takes a look at him and see that their living room is full of clothes.

"And what the fuck are you doing now?"

"I have so many clothes, I barely use them."

"Right.." Louis guesses that the meds are working. Harry seems more than better right now. "Okay, but I'm hungry. Can we eat?" Louis walks over to kitchen to see if there's something to eat.

"I'm not really hungry." Harry answers and Louis turns around to look at him.

"You're eating." He demands.

"Louis, I'm fine." Harry says and walks to the kitchen to him. When he reaches there, Louis pulls up his shirt.

"Really Harry?" Harry aggressively pulls it down and looks at the other direction. "You have to eat! No matter how much you're 'not hungry.' Please."

"Make something light." He gives up.

"You're really letting me to cook?"

"Yeah." Harry stares at him for a second. "No." He gets to the fridge and takes out stuffs for a sandwich. Before Harry closes the door, Louis grabs a beer. "You shouldn't be drinking."

"And you should be eating." Louis strikes back.

"You know how this night will end up like, right?"

"Me having fun?" Louis smirks knowing that Harry is being pissed off. "C'mon I won't drink that much." Harry sighs.

"You're a grown man, I can't stop you. But please, don't let it get out of hands."

"Okay." Louis nods after taking a sip. He gets up to sit on the counter and admires Harry. He could do nothing and Louis would still think he's perfect. How come he would want to be with someone like Louis?

**

Louis has gotten used to waking up alone. Harry is always already in downstairs, making breakfast, painting, whatever he comes up with. This morning it's crafting.

"Have you slept at all?" Louis asks while yawning and walking down the stairs.

"I did actually." He answers without even lifting his head.

"Less than two hours doesn't count."

"Three and a half."

"New record?" Louis jokes and kisses Harry's forehead. He finally lifts his head and looks at Louis. "So,, what chu doing?" He asks.

"Halloween costumes of course!"

"Oh?"

"I was about to ask you. There's a little Halloween party that my friend is going to host. You want to go check it out with me?"

"I don't know Harry-"

"I don't want to pressure you, but it's not a big party, I'll be with you every second and if you wanna leave, we're gone the same second." Louis thinks about it.

"Every second?"

"I'm dragging you in the loo with me too."

"Okay. Fine."

"Great! Thank you. It's going to be fun, I promise you." Harry smiles and gets back to making the costumes.

"Who we going as?" Louis questions.

"Danny and Sandy from Grease."

"No way." He shakes his head.

"Why? You'll be a perfect Sandy!"

"No fucking way Harry."

"You got a perfect waist, you're short, strong jawline and cheekbones." Harry tries to compliment but Louis doesn't take it as one.

"I'm not fucking short!"

"Shorter than me. Please. I chose it since it's one of your favorite movies!"

"Hmmp. You own me.." Louis hates it but he wants Harry to be happy. Whatever it takes.

**

"I look ridiculous." Louis complaints.

"C'mon just show me!!" Harry yells from the other side of the door. Louis curses to himself and unlocks and opens the bathroom door. He slowly walks out getting ready of Harry laughing at him. But he doesn't laugh, he smiles and admires him. "Wow."

"Please."

"No, you look good in that. Have you seen your waist?" Harry compliments. Louis gives a deadly look to him and looks down. His waist does look good. But not his face.

"I hate the hair."

"It's not that bad. You should dye your real hair blonde!"

"Never happening, now are we leaving or what?"

"Sure Sandy."

"Shut the hell up." Louis snaps. He's in a bad mood but hopes he cheers up in that party. Atleast he has to act like he's having a good time, for Harry. But today it feels hard.

Louis and Harry are sitting in the backseat as the driver in front is jamming to some music. They had a couple of drinks before they left, to calm Louis' mind mostly. He is bloody nervous. He keeps shaking his leg, playing with his fingers, and he feels so fucking stupid in this costume.

"I'm way overdressed to that party." Louis complaints.

"You're not, believe me. They have always these super weird costumes. I actually think we might be underdressed." Harry thinks. The car takes it last curve before parking on the street. They can hear a loud music at the same second they get out of the car. Harry tries to assure that everything is fine by taking Louis' hand. It made him feel a little better.

The big mansion is full of Halloween decorations. Someone is really obsessed with holidays, huh? But the place is also flooding with people. It was supposed to be a small party like Harry said.

"There's a,, a lot more people than I thought." Harry says as they walk in.

"Yeah, I can see." Louis grabs Harry's hand tighter.

"Do you want to leave?" He asks. Of course Louis wants to leave. Stupid holiday, stupid people, stupid music. But couple of things made him feel better, they in fact weren't overdressed, but also Harry makes him feel safe. It isn't that bad as he thought. Louis shakes his head.

"No, it's fine." He forces a smile.

"Wanna go talk to Liam and Maya?"

"They're here?" Louis' face brightens.

"Yeah, over there." Harry points to the other side of the room. Their costumes reminds Louis of Emily and Victor from Corpse bride, but he isn't quite sure. Louis starts walking towards them, pulling Harry behind him from his hand.

"Liam!" He shrieks as he gets there. Liam turns around to Louis and looks confused for a second. Then he forces an awkward smile and greets back.

"Hey man. How's it going?"

"Pretty good! What are your costumes?"

"Corpse bride. I made Liam to wear these, I really love the movie." Maya answers and lays her head on Liam's shoulder. Liam looks uncomfortable.

"They look good though. Harry made me wear this stupid wig." He murmurs. "Anyways w-"

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Liam interrupts. Louis looks at Harry. He doesn't want to go alone but Liam probably doesn't want to Harry to hear whatever he has to say.

"It's okay, you can go. I'm gonna wait here." Louis nods and sees how Liam gives Harry a deadly look. Then he walks over to some corner with no one there.

"So,, what's up?" Louis asks, playing with his hand.

"What the hell happened? You literally stopped talking to me at the same time you got back together with Harry."

"It's not about me getting back together with him." Louis mumbles, unable to keep an eye contact with Liam.

"Really?" He asks sarcastically. "Louis I don't deserve this! I really want to be mates with you but if you're not reaching out for me.."

"I- Liam. I'm sorry but-"

"But what? Is it Harry? Did he want you to cut me off?" Liam sounds angry.

"No! Why would you even think that?"

"It's okay, you can go?" Liam repeats the words Harry said. Louis swallows. He doesn't want to tell Liam about the Max thing. "Why would you need a permission to talk to me?"

"It's not a permission! I'm scared and anxious to be here. I wanted to stay with him so I won't freak out." He explains. He hope Liam gets it this way.

"You? Anxious at a party? And I'm supposed to believe that?" Liam sounds mad and concerned at the same time.

"Because something happened!"

"What?" Liam asks but Louis stays quiet. "You can tell me.."

"I was drunk, and um.. Max came over."

"And..?"

"He.. he raped me." Louis whispers. It feels scary to admit it. He hasn't said it aloud yet.

"Shit.. Louis I'm so sorry.. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't know, otherwise I wouldn't had been a asshole. Shit man!" Liam apologizes and pulls Louis into a hug. Louis closes his eyes and bites his tongue trying to not cry.

"I'm sorry too. I should've talked to you."

"Hey you got nothing to be sorry for." Liam assured. Louis kept his eyes closed. He was the first person after Harry that he felt comfortable with. Quickly Louis startled from his thoughts and realized that Liam wasn't holding him anymore. "Just promise to keep in touch after this."

"Of course." Louis felt relieved. "Should we go back?" Liam smiled and nodded.

**

"Wooops." Louis almost trips at his front door.

"You drank too much." Harry complaints.

"Not this conversation again!"

"We wouldn't be having this conversation if you wouldn't drink too much."

"Okay but who dragged me into this party? I had every right to drink!"

"Okay, fair enough." Harry throws his hands in the air, though Louis knows he gave up only because he doesn't want to fight. When upstairs, Harry takes off his costume as Louis admires and stares at him. He finally, for once in a long time feels horny. Like, he could fuck Harry right here, right now. The thought of it doesn't feel scary anymore, atleast not right now. So,, he gets closer to Harry and helps him take of his shirt. "What are you doing?" Harry smiles.

"Helping you." Louis answers and starts taking his own clothes off. Harry sits down on the bed and watches Louis getting naked as biting his bottom lip. As done, Louis gets on top of Harry. He wraps his hands around Louis' back and goes in for a kiss. Louis can't remember when was the last time Harry's kisses felt this good. His cock is getting harder and he doesn't even try to hide it.

"Louis?" Harry asks.

"Mmh?" Louis opens his eyes.

"We shouldn't." He's shocked by Harry's reaction.

"What? Why?"

"You're drunk. You're going to regret it."

"I'm not!" Louis protests.

"Don't get me wrong.." Harry looks up and down Louis' body before continuing. "I really fucking want this. But I have to make sure you want it too. When you're sober."

"But why?"

"I wanna make sure you're not going to regret it. Let's continue in the morning?"

"Alright."

"Okay?" Louis nods. He finds Harry reasonable. He gives him one last kiss on his mouth and gets undercovers, cuddling Harry.

**

The hangover is present. Really present. And this morning Harry is still laying beside Louis, reading a book. Louis smiles and moves himself next to him.

"Have you slept at all?" Louis asks.

"Mmh." Harry mumbles not even looking at Louis.

"What's wrong?" He asks. Something is clearly bothering him. But Harry doesn't answer. "C'mon."

"If I tell you, you're gonna be mad."

"I won't." He assures.

"Promise me?"

"Yes, I promise." Harry sighs and closes his book.

"I didn't mean to pry but you got a notification on your phone. I checked what it was. Max texted you."

"What?" Louis freaks out and sits up. "Where's my phone?" Harry points to the night stand. Louis immediately reaches out there to read the text.

Max Highfield

"Louis, I'm sorry about what happened. I hurted you. I went too far and I regret it. Please, can we talk?"

Huh. This is ridiculous.

"Jesus."

"Yep."

"But why would I be mad?" Louis asks confused.

"I checked your phone.."

"And? I don't have anything to hide from you."

"Oh."

"Of course I won't appreciate if you start looking through my phone all the time, but this type of thing,, is more than fine." Harry nods smiling and  puts the book away.

"Are you gonna answer him?" Harry sounds jealous even though he tries to hide it.

"I'll think about it. But don't worry, I'm not going to meet him." Louis puts his phone away too. "So... Wanna continue where we left last night?"

"You still in the mood?" Harry's face brightens.

"Definitely." Louis isn't wearing anything since last night he went straight to sleep. Harry bites his lip and admires Louis. He looks shy. Maybe it's one of these days where Louis has to make the first move. So he does. He pulls Harry's face onto his, to make out. But Harry doesn't get on top of him, does he want Louis to top?

"Aren't you gonna,, top me?" Louis finally asks.

"Yeah, but. Um.. I was wondering,, if I could do it from the back.."

"That hurts like a motherfucker!" Harry shrugs.

"We can stop if it's too painful." Louis rolls his eyes in his mind and gets on his knees. Harry gets excited. He puts a pillow under Louis' stomach and makes sure he's comfortable. Then he finds the lube and gets behind Louis. "You okay?" He still assures. Louis nods and closes his eyes. For a moment it's quiet. Louis can only hear Harry's heavy breathing from the back.

"When- Fuuuckk!" Louis yelps. Harry entered him not-so-carefully. He isn't big of a fan of this position but the pain!! The fucking pain is too good. Harry is finally fully in before he starts slowly thrusting. Louis tries to breathe and grabs the sheets around him. His legs feel numb and weak and Harry spreading them further away doesn't help.

"Does it- hurt too much?" At the same time it's fucking annoying and sweet that he keeps assuring Louis.

"Mm-mm.." Louis shakes his head and Harry starts thrusting harder. Well, now it hurts. He keeps moaning even though he hates it, he sounds so weird. Harry behind him is coming to an end too. He takes a couple harder thrusts and Louis feels something inside him. It's not just Harry's cock isn't it? Then Harry pulls out and he realizes. He came. He turns around to sit, which hurts a lot, to look at Harry. It all makes sense now.

"You haven't been taking your meds.."

**