82-everything I wanted

Four Years Ago

It happens again.

That too familiar pain rips through my body, forcing me away. I can feel the warmth between my legs-the stench of iron fills the air. I scream, not wanting to live through this nightmare again. Steve wakes up almost immediately after that, light switching on. The sheets are soaked in the vibrant crimson liquid.

My husband mutters a curse and quickly gets up, moving around the bed to my side. He's stained with the blood too and it only gets worse when he carefully peels back the sheets and blankets. I'm hysterical as he picks me up, carefully carrying me down the stairs, pain ripping through me. Steve sits me down on the stairs, not exactly knowing what to do. His grey sweatpants and white tank top are stained. He'd throw them away once we got home.

There's tears in his eyes and pain in his voice as he calls my brother. Tony flies to our house in his suit, trying to calm me down. I think I hear Tony telling Steve that he will stay with Benny before he carries me to the car. I can't stop touching my stomach, crying the whole time about the baby. Steve's clutching the steering wheel tightly, still trying to talk to me.

The car barely comes to a complete stop before Steve is getting out of the car, picking me up and running towards the emergency room entrance, yelling at doctors and nurses as he sits me down in wheelchair. By the time the doctor tells me what I already know, I already have a migraine and I've cried all of the tears in my body away. I just turn on my side in the hospital bed, away from Steve, from the world. As soon as the door clicks shut, I can hear Steve softly crying.

But now, I was home. Steve had carried me in an hour ago and I haven't moved from the kitchen table since then. Benny is staying with Tony and Pepper. Steve's changed and I'm dressed in clothes that the hospital gave me. I could tell my husband was getting annoyed since I wasn't answering any of his questions. He's had enough, apparently.

"Jesus Christ! Talk to me, Peyton!" Steve shouts, slamming his hand down on the counter. I didn't flinch. I was way too numb to react. Instead, another tear rolled down my cheek as I looked down at the hospital bracelet that was still on my wrist. I couldn't talk, why didn't he understand that I couldn't talk? Steve was pacing, his hand running through his hair. He doesn't say anything to me as he grabs his leather jacket and walks towards the front door. It slams shut behind him, shaking the house. I try not to focus on the fact that my husband just left me when I really need him. Instead, my attention is on the fact that there's blood under my nails.

Tears roll down my cheeks and I sob, not bothering to be quiet as I sit alone in this big house I had bought in hopes of growing my family.

I didn't know that Steve, instead of turning to Natasha (which I kind of expected him to do) he went to Sharon.

Which would lead to this mess, now wouldn't it Stevie?

-

I felt someone's body pressed against mine.

My head was pounding, practically throbbing. Oh even though I know the curtains were pulled closed, a sliver of light found my face and burning my eyes through my eyelids. It definitely didn't help the headache. I was confused at first, part of me thinking that it was Steve laying next to me, holding me close like he used to. Or maybe it was a Clint and I was just extremely hungover. Maybe it was Matt and my headache was due to eating too much unhealthy food the night before. Maybe I was coming down off a high and I was hungover. My head was spinning, swimming in all of this confusion.

But then the memories of last night came flooding back. Blood. Blood. Blood. Everything I had done, the crying, asking Bucky to stay with me, more crying. There was a cold metal arm around my waist. It was too cold. It was too heavy, it was all too much. I forced my eyes open, seeing the sun started to rise. I carefully lift his arm off of my waist, carefully slipping out of bed. Nothing had happened, I promise you that. I was still fully dressed in my husband's clothes. The scent of him was so much better than the stench of blood. I reach under the shirt, feeling the wounds that should be there. My skin is completely healed, only making me more confused. So much from yesterday I really should be questioning-

Neddy whines from where he is laying in his bassinet. Part of me doesn't want to pick him up, especially because of what I did yesterday. You're a monster. God, I know it. I stand and pick up my son, holding him like somebody might take him from me and I quickly tuck my phone in the pocket. I hum softly, rocking my child as I tiptoe down the hall. I change his diaper and outfit, humming softly. I walk past Benny's room and move down the stairs, not needing to wake him up since it's a Saturday morning. You ignoring the fact your skin healed up perfectly? Your massacre? All the things you did yesterday?

Months ago, Saturday mornings would be filled with music. I would be cooking breakfast for my family, a huge smile on my face as Steve and Benny walked into the kitchen, both dressed in pajamas. Steve would kiss my forehead, wrapping an arm around my waist before walking over to make us both coffee. Benny would be watching his morning cartoons, waiting for the food to be ready. We'd eat together and I was able to forget any anger I had towards my husband. We were just a normal, happy family. At least, we'd pretend to be one. When it benefitted Steve and when I wasn't needed for the Avengers or Stark Industries.

But now, my kitchen was empty. The house was silent. No towers of pancakes sat in the middle of my table. There wasn't any Fleetwood Mac playing through the speakers. No one was wrapping their arms around me, kissing my forehead. No, instead I was standing in the kitchen, holding Neddy, all by myself.

"I wish you could've experienced those mornings with him." I tell Neddy softly, holding him close to my chest. He gurgles his response, hands holding onto my shirt. What am I supposed to tell him when he is older about all of this mess? Mommy and Daddy loved each other, I swear.

I grab Neddy a bottle, heating in my hand, and walking us to the couch. I sit, curling up in corner of the sectional sofa, holding my son close. I test the milk on my arm before feeding to him. God, he looks like Steve. Both of my boys look like their father. No paternity tests needed.

Married for eight years, dated for one. That's all Steve and I will have. That time and our two beautiful sons. Is this what you should be focusing on? Why can't you let me work through my emotions? You don't have the time.

"Mommy, you're home!" Benny says happily as he walks down the stairs. My son is wiping the sleep from his eyes as holds onto the bannister with his other hand. I smile at him, heart beating fast in my chest.

"Hi Benny, I'm sorry I was away. Why are you up so early?" I ask softly as he walks over to me, climbing into the couch. He grabs a blanket that one of the guys must've left down here and drags to over so he can lay against me. I think my heart melts in my chest as he curls up against me.

"I was ready to be awake." He tells me in a very matter-of-factly way. I smile and pull him close, enjoying have both of my children close to me. It's all you have, isn't it?

"Well, then I'm glad you're sitting next to me." I respond and a huge smile spreads across his face. He's touching Neddy's blanket, his eyes turning to look at his little brother.

"Does Neddy look like Daddy?" Benny asks and I nod, my hand rubbing his shoulder. He has such a short attention span, but then again, he is a child.

"Both of you guys do. You look practically just like your daddy." I answer, to which my older son nods, tugging his blanket closer. I leave forward, kissing Neddy on the forehead and then Benny. The turmoil from inside of me had caused a heavy downpour outside, darkening the living room.

Benjamin Howard Stark-Rogers and Edward Nathan Grant Stark-Rogers, your mommy loves you so much. Please know that. Please...please always know that. I let my eyes shut as a pain spreads across my body. It's a deep pain, coming from my throat. Don't cry in front of them. You can't cry in front of them. Do you know what's going to happen? I bet you do.

"I love you two. So, so much." I murmur softly, like it I said it too loud they would be taken away from me. They will be.

"Mommy, can we watch a movie?"

-

Bucky isn't in his bed. This bed is much bigger, much softer. This bed has been broken into, it's been lived on. The pillow he's laying his on smells like a mixture of vanilla and lavender, mixed with some other scent he can't exactly place. He's alone in the bed. Bucky lets his eyes open, squinting because of the bright light streaming through the cracks of the curtains. His eyes immediately land on the bassinet beside the bed. Oh shit.

James Barnes was currently laying in Peyton Stark-Rogers's bed-No he was laying in the bed that belonged to both Steve and Peyton, his best friend and his best friend's wife. Don't forget that you also tried to murder her a few times. God, this was all fucked up. Bucky rolled over onto his back, rubbing a hand over his face.

She was upset and he comforted her. That's all. Friends do that. He used to have to comfort Steve all the time. Friends do that. Keep telling yourself that. Bucky got out of bed, images of a blood covered Peyton Stark flashing in his mind as he walked out of the bedroom door. She had to have killed a lot of people with the amount of blood she was covered in last night. Part of him didn't want to know, the another part of him wanted every little detail. God, you're such a weirdo, Barnes.

As Bucky walked down the stairs, he was greeted with the noise of soft singing and Benjamin giggling. As he moved further, he saw Pey laying on the couch, with Neddy on her chest. Laying beside her was Benny, all three of them dressed in pajamas. He doesn't know why his heart started to swell in his chest when he saw the three of them laying there. That's happiness, idiot.

"Uncle Bucky, you want to watch movies with us?" Benny asks, looking up at the him. Bucky smiles, his eyes looking over to Pey for some sort of permission. She just smiles and nods so he walks over, taking a seat next to Benny. She isn't being awkward about the whole bed situation, so you shouldn't be either.

"We are waiting for Sam to wake up so we can con him into making us breakfast." Pey tells him, trying not to move too much so she won't wake the sleeping child on her chest. Bucky couldn't help but smile at the sight of Peyton Stark being so motherly. It was a complete one-eighty from how she was last night. Covered in blood, from head to toe, tears in her eyes. She had large gashes and cuts on her body. Now, she was smiling, kissing her baby's head without a care in the word.

"Mommy said we can't ask you 'cause you're bad at cooking." Benny adds, a shit eating grin on his face. Bucky can't help but chuckle, lightly nudging the five year old.

"Better cook than your dad, kid." He retorts, which makes Peyton smile. She tucks an arm underneath her head, green eyes looking over at Bucky.

"Oh, Stevie never cooked for us and if I was going away for a few days, I'd cook ahead of time. Well-He tried once to cook a meal for us, but let's just say it is a good thing I can control fire." She says lightly, her free hand carefully holding Neddy on her chest. Bucky watched as Peyton kissed Neddy's forehead again. Damn it, Steve, you were an idiot.

-

"I'm sorry, what?" Sam asks, not exactly believing what I had just told him, Wanda, and Bucky. I sigh, taking a sip of some much needed coffee. Neddy was asleep and Benny was upstairs playing.

"You heard me. I'm not repeating myself, Sammy." I practically snap, really really not wanting to repeat myself.

"So, let me get this straight, we need to you to get laid in order to make Lucifer happy and so we can defeat your sister. Do I have that right?" Wanda tries, and I sigh. I run a hand through my hair, nodding.

"Do you think if I ask nicely Shuri will put my back in cryo?" Bucky questions Sam, who just shrugs in response. Please, strike me down now.

"Look, I don't like it as much as you guys do. I am being transparent with you guys. I don't need you three to get laid, trust me. I just need you three to come with me for a night out on the town." I respond, taking another sip of my coffee, a small smile on my face. Wanda snorts, smiling from ear to ear and Sam just grins. Bucky looks confused.

"What's going on? I'm lost." Bucky admits, looking at the three of us. Is he blushing? No no he can't be. Oh God, I hope he doesn't feel weird about sleeping in the bed last night. It was completely platonic. It wasn't a big deal at all. I've slept in the same bed as countless friends. Oh God, I hope he doesn't feel bad-

"While you were in the freezer, us three and Natasha would disguise ourselves and hit up the nearest clubs. We'd force Steve to come with us." Sam explains, grinning. Thank you, Sam, for trimming my ramblings.

"Of course Steve would go to make Pey happy and God, it was so much fun." Wanda continues, looking the happiest I've seen her since she's come back. Bucky turns to look at me, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been clubbing since I was a teenager. I know how to party." I tell him, smirking slightly. That sadness seems to disappear, at least momentarily. Bucky blinks, shaking his head.

"God, I don't think I've been out since before the war...I'm guessing it's changed since then." The oldest one in the room confesses and Sam, Wanda, and I exchange glances.

"Oh, Bucky, this is going to be so much fun." Wanda says excitedly. I wanted to be excited and part of me was, but I knew what I was moving closer to. Once this sin is completed, I have to face Lilith.

I wasn't looking forward to having to fight my oldest sibling. I wasn't looking forward to having my children and family in danger again. I just wanted all of this to be over, but I just didn't know what was going to happen once this was over. Part of me felt that no matter how much I did to try to make myself stronger than my sister, I was just going to fail in the end. This time around, failure just wasn't an option. I needed to see my children grow older, needed to take care of them. I needed to make sure my family was okay and safe. I wanted to be able usher us into an age of peace. Wanted us to be safe from these bad guys that kept coming after us over and over and over.

I needed to survive.

You won't.