~𝟱𝟯~

(First person, Ava's perspective)

I woke up late that night, the sun not out yet. I sat up in bed, looking around me. Lee Know was nowhere in sight. My mind begged me to just get out of the house. To think. So I got out of bed, going downstairs to get me some water. I found Chan there, head resting on his arms as he sat at the kitchen island. He was fast asleep. I smiled slightly at his strange place to choose for sleeping. I got a bottle of water out of the fridge as quietly as I could, then took one of the blankets on the couch, gently throwing it over him.

I took my water outside with me, closing the sliding door behind me and walking out onto the beach. I walked for a while until I was more or less at the same spot I sat at a few days ago with Lee Know, Han and Hyunjin. It was still pitch-black, the only source of light being that of the moon above me. I sat down on the cold sand, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging my legs. I thought back to what I had told the boys. And I felt empty. I didn't feel sad or angry. I felt... numb.

It was like my demons had completely retreated, no black thoughts creeping up my spine or clouding my mind. I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I just sat there in the light evening breeze, watching the moonlight ripple on the water. Until the moon went to hide its face and the sun started peeking out from behind the open, blue horizon. The early morning rays fell on my face and I closed my eyes, soaking in the warmth.

It made me smile; the sunlight on my face. And I remembered one of my former teammates telling me something when I asked her how she stayed so happy and positive. Enjoy the little things of joy in life, she had told me. And in that moment the sunlight on my skin was like a little piece of joy, making me feel slightly less fragile and raw after the night's episode. And I stayed there, basking in the light. Completely unaware of the ruckus caused in the house by my absence.

(Third person, Chan's perspective)

Chan woke up with a light shining in his eyes. He moved slightly and rubbed his eyes, trying to find the source of the annoyance. Then he saw the sunlight reflecting off the coffee table. He was a bit confused, but as soon as he moved more, he realised where he was. He had fallen asleep at the kitchen island. He straightened and stretched, hearing something softly land on the floor behind him. He looked at the floor to find a blanket there. I wonder who put that on me while I slept, he thought to himself, yawning.

He got up off the uncomfortable chair he had stayed in all night, his back not very happy with him. He pulled his elbows backwards, hearing his back click. He turned his upper body to the one side, and then the other, his back sounding like bubble wrap as he did so, snapping with every turn. Then he rolled his shoulders and tilted his head from side to side, neck clicking as well.

"Sounds to me like you're getting old, Hyung," Seungmin said, making Chan turn around. The younger man was smirking at him, making him chuckle.

"You're up early, Seungmin. Sleep well?"

"Not really. I kept thinking about Ava."

"Yeah, I did too," someone said, making both the boys turn and look at the stairs.

Lee Know came trudging towards them, his light brown hair standing up in weird places on his head. He yawned, walking over to the kettle and turning it on.

"I wonder how Ava slept," Seungmin said, the other two wondering the same thing.

A very tired-looking Han and Hyunjin emerged from their room, the younger rubbing his eyes.

"Why is everyone up so early?" Han asked, stretching and almost smacking Hyunjin upside the head in the process.

"I got up early because the sun was shining in my eyes, and then the other two just woke up this early on their own," Chan said.

"Did any of you get any sleep last night?" Hyunjin asked.

"I definitely didn't," Changbin said, almost tripping down the stairs as he answered. Luckily Chan was close enough to be able to grab his arm and stabilise him before he hit the ground.

"Thanks Hyung."

Chan nodded at his younger friend. Jeongin also came trudging out of his room, him looking more tired than all the rest. He took a seat at the kitchen table, resting his head in his hands. And Chan could have sworn he would fall asleep again if there weren't people talking to him. All the boys suddenly looked up when a very awake and very worried-looking Felix came barrelling down the stairs.

"Chan, Ava isn't in her room. She's gone," he said, looking up at his Hyung.

The boys all got worried at Felix's statement, all looking at one another. Chan looked over at Lee Know, who seemed especially worried.

"Okay, she has to be here somewhere. Everyone split up and look around the house. If she went somewhere, she couldn't have gotten far."

The boys all took off in different directions, some running to their rooms, others looking in every nook and cranny they could find. Chan went up to Ava's room, her bed empty, sheets not made up.

"She was definitely here," he said aloud. He checked her drawers and cupboard. Everything seemed to still be there.

"Find anything, Hyung?" Jeongin asked from the doorway.

"Her stuff is all still here. I don't think she left. I think she's still nearby."

Chan went downstairs again, calling all the boys out of their rooms.

"I think Ava is still near the house. So, I suggest we all split up. Some of you can go into the forest and look for her there. You should go in groups of two. The rest can look on the beach."

The boys all nodded, going out of the sliding door and heading off in different directions. Chan started jogging up the beach to the side none of the others went, until he saw a lone figure sitting there. It was a girl, her legs pulled up to her chest. He realised it was Ava.

"Everyone, I found Ava. She's on the beach to the right side of the house facing the ocean. She's fine," Chan said over the comms, hearing relieved sighs echo through the comms before turning his comm off again.

He slowly walked over to Ava, walking near the water so she would see him before he got to her. He watched her as he got closer, and her eyes didn't move from the water. Her face seemed emotionless. As he got nearer, he started feeling slightly nervous. What'll I say to her, he thought. I can't tell her about Damian yet. Maybe I can...

Chan was standing next to her before he could think of anything to say. He sat down next to her, a considerable distance between them, to give her the space she needed. They just sat in silence, both staring at the ocean. And it felt to Chan as if, in that moment, their bond seemed to falter.

(First person, Ava's perspective)

I had seen Chan approach me out of the corner of my eye, and my stomach started churning. My emotionless and clear mind started clouding up again. My fear came flowing back into my mind. My fear of how my relationship with the boys would be affected by what I told them. My fear of the commander finding out and kicking me off the team. My fear of the boys being too afraid for my mental health that they won't want to work with me anymore. My fear that... I would lose them.

My thoughts scattered when Chan sat down next to me. His presence next to me felt... wrong. It felt like I needed to be isolated from them. Guess my mind's a hypocrite. I sighed and dropped my head onto my knees. I heard another pair of footsteps coming closer, looking up from my knees to find Lee Know slowly coming towards us. He was looking at the water as he walked. I watched him intently, my thoughts drifting to what he said to me. It'll eat you up inside, that guilt. So please, let it go...

My mind wouldn't accept it. My heart was sure there was some kind of flaw in what he said. I had convinced myself for so long that it was my fault; that there was something I could have done... that it was engraved into my being. I realised that it was a very wrong thing to think but my mind just wouldn't let it go. Even as I replayed what Lee Know had said over and over in my head.

I heard him sit down on the sand next to me, keeping his distance just like Chan did. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, but all I could see was his side profile. I let go of my legs, crossing them on the ground. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before looking out at the ocean again.

The sun had risen up till just above the horizon, the sky painted in faint swirls of pink, purple, blue and orange. The water gently rippled, no rough waves breaking the serenity of it. It gently rushed up onto the sand before retreating again. I matched my breathing to the gentle waves, keeping my mind off my fears. Mostly.

...

The next boys to show up were Changbin and Felix, followed shortly after by Han and lastly Jeongin, Seungmin and Hyunjin. They all went to sit on either side of Lee Know and Chan. We all just sat in silence. Until the silence became unbearable.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. I thought I said it soft enough for the boys not to hear, but I could feel all the attention shifting to me.

"Why are you sorry, Ava? You've done nothing wrong," Chan asked.

"I... I'm sorry if I made you all uncomfortable with my story last night. I'm sorry if I overstepped."

There was a long silence. I could feel all eight pairs of eyes on me, but I just kept my gaze glued to my hands, fidgeting with my fingers in my lap.

"And I'm afraid that because of what I said... our relationship as a team... I just don't..."

I couldn't say it, my eyes tearing up.

"I don't want to lose you all," I whispered.

I started crying, my body curling in on itself. Chan and Lee Know moved closer to me, Lee Know getting down on his knees in front of me and Chan putting a hand around my shoulders. I wiped at the tears on my cheeks, the tears I wipe off just being replaced by fresh ones.

"Please, don't leave me," I cried, my voice breaking halfway through the sentence.

I clutched onto my hair with my right hand, my left wiping my cheeks incessantly. Until Lee Know took my hands, making me look at him through teary eyes.

"Just look at me. Breathe."

His eyes seemed urgent, but ever so caring at the same time. He let go of my hands, the one reaching up slowly and gently resting on my cheek, brushing away the tears. His other hand was slowly unfurling in front of me, fingers spread.

"Hold my hand."

I gave him a slightly confused look, but he didn't pull his hand away, so I obeyed. I placed my hand in his and he laced our fingers together.

"You're going to be fine. We won't leave you. We won't ever leave you. I promise."

I smiled at him sadly, my face leaning into his touch and my body leaning into Chan as his arm stayed wrapped around my shoulders.

"Ava, should we give you some time alone?" I heard Chan ask after a while. I shook my head, clutching harder onto Lee Know's hand.

"Then we'll stay with you for as long as you need," he said softly.

"We all will," I heard Changbin say from my other side, slotting in next to me and taking the hand that Lee Know wasn't holding.

All the other boys gathered around me as well, all just staying nearby. Their presence seemed to calm me, even though a part of me told me they would leave me. Somehow, the more I thought about it, the more that part of me dissipated. Until all that was left of it was one final wavering shimmer of a thought before it fully disappeared. They're going to stay, I thought. And we'll all protect each other. The way a team should...

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A/N

heyy guys!! the new school year is closing in on us, and not gonna lie i am nervous. but i just keep reminding myself that i have an amazing support system (you guys included ;P) to help me get through the year. and i just wanted to let you all know that if you ever need someone to listen, or just want to make a new friend, you guys are welcome to dm me at my instagram which you can find in my bio :)

anyhow, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and i'll see you in the next one <3