~𝟭𝟭~

It dawned on me later that day that none of the boys had asked about my breakdown the other night. And it bugged me. I wanted to know who had hugged me, but I didn't want to bring it up and have to answer their questions. Luckily, it was warm that day, so the boys wanted to swim, giving me the perfect opportunity. I just had to look for someone with bruises.

I got dressed into my swimsuit, a dark blue halter neck bikini. I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I pulled the top slightly more to the one side, making sure to hide my scar. The questions I would be asked were questions I wasn't ready to answer. I loosened my hair, the dark waves hanging over most of the scars on my back, the others being covered by the high waist of the bikini bottoms. Then I threw on an oversized T-shirt to cover up my swimsuit. 

I went outside, but as soon as I got to the pool, my insecurity took me over. The boys must have noticed, because not one of them made any comments on my appearance. I took the book I was reading and made myself comfortable on one of the chairs outside, not planning on swimming. But every time I got comfortable, I would feel a splash of water on my feet, the culprit gone before I could see who it was. I was still in my oversized T-shirt, so I tossed it off and sat down on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water to get used to the temperature.

As I sat there for a while, I noticed how the boys would look my way, but would just go on with whatever they were doing; not once making any attempt to look at the swimsuit. It set me at ease.

I eased into the cool water, goose bumps rising on my skin. I stayed near the same spot. The boys started playing with a ball, and for the first time I noticed their figures. The tan chests and strong muscles. I could feel my cheeks warming up, but I couldn't stop myself. I watched as the muscles moved under their skin so effortlessly; the water causing their fare complexions to glisten. I pulled myself out of my thoughts when I felt a splash of water on my cheek. I whipped my head in the direction the water came from, but the culprit was getting away. I had just enough time to grab the person's foot, effectively getting pulled under with them. When the person finally stopped, I let go of the limb I was holding and swam to the surface. I smoothed my wet hair back and made sure it still covered my scars. When I turned back around, I was met with a mop of dark brown hair emerging from the water followed by a smirk I knew all too well.

"Lee Know. I should have guessed it was you who splashed me."

"What are you going to do about it?" he asked, smirking.

I stayed silent and rolled my eyes at him, making him laugh. He pulled himself up out of the pool, sitting with his feet still in the water.

That's when I saw it, the bruises. Big and dark blue, some turning yellow around the edges. They were all over his chest and abdomen. A shard of guilt pierced my chest. Every single bruise a was reminder of what I did, and why. I dropped my head, too ashamed to look him in the eye. I sensed him slipping back into the water and coming toward me, but I couldn't talk to him. Not after how I hurt him. I knew it was stupid to feel that way, that I only did it to defend myself during my breakdown. But it still hurt, knowing the only people that still cared for me got hurt so badly because of the things I did. I pulled myself out of the pool and ran inside, not caring that the boys yelled after me, a trail of water droplets left behind me. I ran to my bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I sat in the shower so as to not get the floor wet. I leaned my head back against the tiled wall, tears brimming my eyes.

"You can't cry. This is your fault. Had you just kept it together. Had you just stopped him when you had the chance," I scolded myself. Most of me knew it wasn't true, that there was nothing I could have done. But the tiniest part of me still believed it was my fault. Everything that monster did to me was my fault.

"You can't cry. It was your fault."

I closed my eyes and willed the tears to go away. Just as they were gone, I heard a knock on my door, sending fresh tears springing to my eyes.

"Ava? Can I come in?"

It was Lee Know. I couldn't face him. I felt too guilty.

"Just go away please. I can't talk to you now. It hurts too much."

"Ava, if this is because of the bruises, you shouldn't worry about it. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. And I don't regret it for a second. If I could be there for someone who was hurting, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. Please, believe me."

"But, if I had just been able to keep my emotions in check, none of this-"

"Hey, listen to me. This was not your fault. The emotions were just pushed down for too long, and then they exploded. It happens."

I sat in silence for a moment, regaining my voice before speaking again.

"I guess you were right."

"About what?"

"That I would break. Seems like I finally did."

"No. You didn't break. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Something like this wouldn't ever be enough to break you."

"How would you know, huh? How would you know if I'm strong? Maybe I've just been hiding my feelings from you all. Maybe I deserve this pain I'm feeling."

I whispered the last sentence, thinking he didn't hear me. But he did. He opened the door, walking over to me and pulling me to my feet and into a hug. I let the tears fall, soaking his still bare shoulder.

"You do not deserve this pain. No one does. Whatever that guy did to you, it was in no way your fault. You can't blame yourself for the things he has done to you."

I pulled away sharply. I walked out of the bathroom, hugging my arms tightly.

"What if I had the chance to stop him, but I didn't? Is it still not my fault?"

My voice sounded broken and small. I cleared my throat, but the lump caught there wouldn't budge. He gentle took my arm, making me sit down on my bed. He knelt down in front of me, taking my hands.

"Of course, it's not your fault. He hurt you. I don't know what he did to you, but I can see the effect it has on you. If you were thinking clearly at the time, which I doubt you were with the way you're hurting, you would have stopped him. I just know it."

"But what if he comes back? What if he comes after me, and you all are caught in the crossfire?"

"You are like our little sister, even though we've only known you for four weeks. You can ask any of the guys and they'll all say the same thing. We have made it our mission to keep you safe. If this guy comes after you, we won't let him anywhere near you. I promise."

He held up his hand, pinkie out. I curled my own pinkie around his, smiling with tears on my cheeks. I brushed them off with my hand. Lee Know stood up again and wrapped me in another hug. I was careful with hugging back, my eyes catching his bruises. He must have felt how tense I was because he pulled back. He gently took my hand, spreading my fingers, and pressed it against one of the bruises. I looked up at his eyes for any sign of pain but couldn't find any. All I could see was concern and kindness. His skin was cool to the touch and I could feel his steady heartbeat underneath my palm. This time, I was the one who wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tight.

"Thank you. For caring so much, even though you don't know my reasons for acting this way."

"It's okay. I don't need your reasons. And besides, I know for sure you'll tell us when you're ready."

...

After my chat with Lee Know, I got cleaned up and got dressed into my pjs. I walked downstairs and searched for Hyunjin, wanting to ask him if I could borrow some of his detangling spray for my hair. Instead of finding him, I found Chan in the kitchen, making dinner with help from Felix.

"Hey, guys. Have you seen Hyunjin?" I asked.

They gave each other a look before turning back to me.

"No, we haven't seen him, but we were wondering if we could talk to you?"

"Both of you?" I asked. Usually, it was just Chan who wanted to talk to me.

"Actually, we all want to talk to you."

I took in a breath. This is new, I thought to myself. But if they were anything like Lee Know, I would be fine. And I trusted them all.

"Sure. Should I round up the others while you guys finish up here?"

They shared a look again before nodding. I walked into the training area, not surprisingly finding Changbin there. I told him Chan wanted us all in the living room, then left to find the rest. It took me about five minutes to convince Jeongin to leave his laptop, but after that everyone seemed to comply rather quickly. I got downstairs just as Chan and Felix came out of the kitchen.

"How'd you get them here so fast?" Felix asked. I giggled.

"Don't know. Guess it's more intimidating when a girl comes to get them than it is when Chan gets them."

I took a seat on the couch between Changbin and Hyunjin, Lee Know standing behind me.

"I just wanted to ask you-"

"Sorry to interrupt, but if this is about the breakdowns I'm having, I can assure you it won't affect my work. I just went through some things with that guy escaping, but I'll work through it. And it helps having people around me that I can trust."

As I said it, I tilted my head back, looking up at Lee Know.

"That's good to know, but that's not what I wanted to ask about. I wanted to ask if... If you are still sure about... Staying on the team?"

"Of course, I am. What gave you the idea that I wasn't?"

"Well, you've just been crying a lot and you flinch when we touch you. We just want to make sure," Jeongin commented.

"That's just because I was going through some things. I trust you guys. You have all given me a reason to have hope in the men of the world again. Without all of you, I would still be too afraid to let a man near me, let alone touch me."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, have you never had visions of us doing the same things that he did to you?"

My brows furrowed at Han's question. Then I took in a breath. My breathing was speeding up again and my hands were trembling.

"I-I have, but it doesn't mean-"

"How can you be sure we won't turn on you? If you don't trust us enough to have your back, how can we trust you to do the same for us?"

I felt my heart race. Were they being serious? Did they all feel this way? I felt Changbin take my hand, Lee Know gently resting his hands on my shoulders.

"We aren't trying to scare you or imply in any way that we would ever do that to you. We just want you to be sure about your decision. It is something big to think about. We just wanted you to have all the information you needed to finally decide what's right for you."

I slowed my breathing down as Chan spoke. He was right. They were just looking out for me. So, I took a deep breath and spoke my mind.

"You know, I never really imagined you guys doing anything as bad to me as the things he did. But there was a time, in the first few days after we met, that I was unsure of how you would all act towards me. I have to admit, there were times I felt uncomfortable, but that was only because I was new to the whole experience. I had grown so accustomed to men hurting me that I just assumed you all would too. But after I got to know you all, I realized that for the first time, I felt safe around guys again. You all opened doors for me I never thought I would open ever again. So, if you all are willing to deal with my messiness and my breakdowns, then I am willing to stay. I mean you all changed my life. So, I'm in it for the long run, whether you guys want me here or not."

They all smiled at me. I was pulled to my feet and engulfed in the best group hug I had ever experienced. I felt safe. I felt warm. I felt... Like I was home.